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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

758 replies

Littlefrenchmummy · 25/10/2014 21:25

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 19:42

Var someone asked us to explain stuff. In fact more than one person did.

Plus..in a discussion about behaviour people are allowed to mention SN.

Plus. .

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 19:44

I guess people with kids with SN need to draw.lots to find out which one is allowed to join in the discussion eh.

var123 · 30/10/2014 20:01

If that's the only way you can imagine it Fanjo..

NickiFury · 30/10/2014 20:02

Var123 in answer to your question, it's because SN are far more prevalent than you might imagine with many cases going undiagnosed. Tell me, what do YOU, personally know about e.g high functioning autism and how it manifests in a child? Please feel free to insert a SN of your choice there. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing before I had dc, yet now I have two with ASD. With my first child I was clueless until school raised it as a possibility and he was diagnosed aged five. As a mother I did not know my own child had ASD for three years. Don't you think it stands to reason that with the increasing numbers of children AND adults being diagnosed that it should be an immediate consideration when witnessing so called bad behaviour in a child?

A question for you, why would YOU not immediately consider SN when seeing challenging behaviour in dc? It's my FIRST consideration when I see it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 20:05

Err no.

I imagine also that people woth all sorts of experiences are free to contribute on a talk forum if they wish and shouldn't be silenced for mentioning disability too.

var123 · 30/10/2014 20:34

I know a bit more than most since I have a child with SEN myself (albeit not the behavioural type). But that's not the point.

var123 · 30/10/2014 20:35

Anyway we appear to be digressing into SN talk yet again...

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 20:37

Its not 'digressing' nor is it a separate subject.

Shocking point of view IMO

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 20:39

Thank goodness MNHQ agree and your initial post was deleted.

var123 · 30/10/2014 20:42

That's a first! I've never had a post deleted before. I merely asked why threads keep getting hijacked?

farewellfigure · 30/10/2014 20:42

OK thanks for the responses. I was talking specifically about when the child I know to have autism is behaving badly. Not when he's having a tantrum due to being threatened or in a unfamiliar situation. For instance (and there are many many more examples that this on) there was a party when all the children were listening with rapt attention to a magician. He was smacking a rubber sword repeatedly onto the floor, and making a terrific noise to the extent that the other children couldn't hear. His mother went over and said, 'Stop that. I'll take it off you.' He smirked at her, swapped hands so she couldn't reach it, and carried on smacking the floor. She shrugged and walked away. What are your views on that? Is she 'letting him get away with it' because she didn't want to cause a scene? Is he doing it because of his SN or just because he was behaving badly? And surely if your child has SN you still have to discipline them consistently so they learn what's acceptable?

And I do apologise if I'm just getting this totally wrong. You're probably right and I DO need to read more about it.

Just curious really.

NickiFury · 30/10/2014 20:42

Confused No we are not digressing, it's all part of the same discussion. Why so resistant? Why so eager to label kids badly behaved brats and their parents useless?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 20:44

Well err yes you did var, and that's why it was deleted.

NickiFury · 30/10/2014 20:45

If I would have removed the sword from either of my dc at certain times I would probably have been attacked for it. That's the reality.

Maybe she didn't want the even bigger scene that removing the sword might have provoked? Maybe she actually knows her child and did the myriad of calculations required in ten seconds when parenting an autistic child?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 20:45

Yes farewell, please do read more about it,

My daughter smacks things and makes loud noise and not once is she doing it to be naughty.

Please read about 'stimming' for starters.

And I don't think kids with ASD tend to 'smirk'

NickiFury · 30/10/2014 20:46

It's because you're being disablist. Discussions about SN and them being a possibility should not be referred to using such derogatory language.

RabbitSaysWoof · 30/10/2014 20:49

Moving back to parenting styles for a minute, when my child was in he's tantruming stage I felt judged for not quickly pacifying him with bits of food/ toys/ suddenly finding something interesting to point out.
As far as I was concerned toddlers tantrum, I dont mind my dc learning to deal with minor disappointment/ envy/ waiting for something/ the word no. But I have friends who when visiting or meeting up would feel the need to offer compensation in the way of toys waved at him/ food offered to him. I genuinely felt my parenting was being criticised and my ds pitied for landing me as a mum. In the end I socialised less because I genuinely felt not being indulgent was un acceptable.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 20:57

That is the whole point.

We didn't move away from parenting styles.

NickiFury · 30/10/2014 21:03

I am not surprised at the raging ignorance being shown on this thread, I wish I was though.

farewellfigure · 30/10/2014 21:07

He wasn't stimming. That is one thing I do know about as my DS is a hand flapper and I have read copiously about it. The child who was slapping the sword could, I suppose, have been doing it to comfort himself, but I honestly don't think he was. And he did smirk. Honestly I saw him. I have seen him on countless occasions get the upper hand over his mother who is totally incapable of managing him. And yes she has told me that he can be violent, but surely she needs to set boundaries? Surely he should have been taken outside? Should his behaviour, for whatever reason, have spoiled the magician for the other 29 children who were trying to listen?

RabbitSaysWoof · 30/10/2014 21:15

Should his behaviour, for whatever reason, have spoiled the magician for the other 29 children who were trying to listen?
I was wondering the too farewell, but too scared to ask. I thought the same about the restaurant situation in the op.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 21:23

You asked if it was naughtiness. I said why I thought not.

No idea why people are bleating about 'should his behaviour be allowed to spoil things for others'

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/10/2014 21:24

It's very sad to see you judging someone who is incapable of managing her violent child with autism.

Because it's so easy after all, isn't it.

RabbitSaysWoof · 30/10/2014 21:31

No idea why people are bleating about 'should his behaviour be allowed to spoil things for others'
Because others are important too.

farewellfigure · 30/10/2014 21:31

No obviously it's not easy. Not easy at all and I am aware I am very lucky not to have to face that situation. I'm not judging, just asking for people's opinions because I don't know the answer. I said to a friend the other day that I feel so desperately sad for the boy's mother after she apologised on FB for her son injuring another child in the class. It's not the first time. My friend said she didn't feel sorry for the boy's mother in the slightest because she truly thinks that she just doesn't even try to manage his behaviour... not one bit. We've seen countless situations where he is causing trouble, hurting other children, being generally disruptive, and the mother steps in to say something, then backs off. She doesn't even try.

OK maybe her intervening wouldn't make any difference because if what I'm hearing is right, he in incapable of behaving. I should probably just back off.