"She doesn't want to lie down" Aibu to think you bloody get up with him then

[Rantymop]

7 month ds has started waking up a lot in the night. Dont know why.

It's always been me who gets up as my husband works and is therefore too busy and important to be tired.

Last night baby in bed at 7,woke at 11pm - 11.30, 1.30 - 4 and then at 6, I am up for the day now.

Each time I have come into the living room so h can sleep.

The baby wakes at 6 and I am exhausted. Bring him in bed as that sometimes works and h says "he doesn't want to lie down".

I'm on my knees here. I keep telling him I need him to do more. But he WORKS.

He. I am overtired, I said I'd worded the title wrong, sorry!

I thought a letter was the way to go with the neighbours. I rarely see them in the street, they all work long hours, although one side are both teachers do are around a lot in the holidays.

I know it must be frustrating for them when he cries.

Right, so I am going to stop taking him out of the cot. I know that is a ridiculous thing to keep doing. I've been reading up on how to try and help him this morning.

H can go and sleep on the sofa.

I can actually take 5 mins or so of crying/whinging. Sometimes he's done that and nodded off again.

Next door sound awful. I mean how is banging going to stop a baby crying.

To play devils advocaat..

Imagine what the outcome of your DH being too tired to do his job properly would be. That could well be the beginning of a whole load of financial strife, and he will no doubt be feeling the pressure of being the only breadwinner.

That said he should be able to cope with 6 hrs sleep, so it's not unreasonable for him to take the 7 - midnight shift presuming you arent b/f.

and to all those 'leave the lazy bastard' posters. They have just had a baby together - do you think this is a great time to be suggesting a marriage breakup?

I thought we were safe with the nighbors not hearing until last night, teen ds sleeps in the next room and never stirs, says he never hears a thing. I guess I underestimate how soundly he sleeps!

One Friday night I left DH with DS to go to a friends house for the evening. I had however made a plan to stay there for 2 nights because I was exhausted and effed off with DH and his lack of help. For me it did the trick as I turned my phone off and he had to cope. When I returned his attitude did change, I'd had some rest, (she had a cleaner who folded my clothes up nicely) so I then got myself a temporary cleaner for a few months to help out. However the more he did start helping out the more irritated I got that he wasn't doing it properly but I guess that's a whole other thread.

The odd broken night would not make him too tired to do his job properly.

They haven't JUST had a baby. The baby is 7 months old. Long enough for daddy to get his act together and be of some help.

Can you put the child in his own bedroom? He is old enough now surely?

We have no other bedroom! Ds room is tiny and I couldn't put a baby in with him anyway, we have our bedroom and that's it.

Living room is open to the kitchen and not actually wide enough for a sofa bed to pull out, some people have previously suggested we do that (it's actually a one bed flat, but we use what should be the living room as our bedroom and the dining bit of the kitchen as the lounge, like I said, it's tiny).

To those asking how someone can't know how their partner will react to becoming a dad - its a lot easier to share the workload fairly when there isn't too much of it. (and finances when there is enough!). Having kids creates extra work - my youngest vomited several times a day until 6 / 7 months, so it wasn't just a bit of extra baby clothes, it was mine (and sometimes dhs) as well. Ops dp may not have realised that babies don't sleep! There is an image that its only newborns! We work on a system of trying to make sure we are both functioning equally tired when sleep is a problem, but it only works because we are honest and look after each other. My dh is one of those people who needs a plan, so we decide each evening who get what shift. Its not perfect but we now are getting enough sleep to enjoy life, and it feels fair. We also know we can negotiate (if poorly / job interview / whatever). With pnd you will need support to enjoy life. Sleep will help everything feel better but I can understand not wanting to leave your baby in the care of someone who gets easily frustrated with them. If you trust him, give him a night or a shift and sleep on the sofa / camp bed in your teens room. He has a baby whose other parent is ill and being very strong by dealing with it instead of getting frustrated with the baby. He needs to step up, and its hard. Its easy to say LTB but actually just focus on a day at a time.

OP, I've been there. DH was out the house 7-7 Mon-Fri and Saturday Afternoons for sport. No other support which was a bit sucky. Things that helped;

Going blonde - 3 hours plus in the hairdressers every now and again was bliss.
Exercise - good excuse for me time.
DH taking DS out on Sunday mornings to do the food shopping. I would have
DH doing Friday nights and Sunday mornings - I slept on the sofabed in the lounge with ear plugs in. He coped. We STILL do one lie in each at the weekend.
Going back to work at 6 months - every other night on night duty as then working so it was fair.
Sleep training

Re your DS's sleep, mine wasn't a sleeper but it sounds as though you're in a bit of a regression due to milestones - crawling, pulling up, babbling, sitting up - they're all around now. I left DS to cry it out after too many middle of the night parties. If he's gonna wake up for no good reason he can entertain himself. A few nights of me checking that there was nothing wrong and leaving him to it spoilt his fun for that particular regression. Teething etc obviously still disturbed things.

I would take it out of your DH's hands, if he isn't going to sign up for things get ready and go out for a bit. He'll cope and get used to the idea.

Don't worry about the neighbours. Young and child free? A couple of wake ups in the night won't harm them. Also, what are they going to do? It's not like you are playing loud music and they might call environmental health!

Op I haven't read the full thread but I would try feeding him again. I know you say you have tried previously but babies change! my 14 month dd slept through at 8 weeks but since teething kicked in again this week that she has started waking every couple of hours screaming. some times she will snuggle and sleep and others she needs a top up if only to calm her and settle. don't dismiss it out of hand!

as for the sleeping, unfortunately I agree with your dh that while he is working in the week his sleep trumps your. however when he is home at the weekend he needs to step up and help and rather than his 40 mons wind down when he gets in he needs to take ds off you so you cam have a nap, soak in the bath with a book or at the very least he needs to cook dinner.

as for ladyluck and her bs about knowing before you have kids...err not always love. my dp is a fab father, very hands on with his older kids but absolutely bloody useless at waking up at night! he could sleep through a bomb going off. he does however take over in a morning so I can sleep in.

talk to him, have an idea about what tasks you need help with and tell him he shapes up or ships out

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I am a mother who returned to work when my baby was 2 1/2 months old and DH is the main carer. I underestimated how hard it was to have a full on day at work then come home to a crying baby and husband in need of respite of his own! DD is currently 4 1/2 months and we've moved into teething territory.

I have bipolar so my need for sleep is paramount, yet at the same time I always wake when she wakes and sometimes even not as she's sound asleep - I just want to check on her. Also DH sleeps like a log so I have to kick him awake sometimes DH insists on doing the nights but what we have found is that if we all bundle into bed at 8pm then he gets enough to cope at night and I am up with here from around 5.30 to 6am to enjoy some precious time with her before I have to go to work and DH grabs an extra hour or two of sleep. Or I will take her and the dog for a walk after work so he can have some quiet time. I also do all the laundry and tidying up and he does the floors is about our split of housework.

Sometimes I am not well enough to do it all and he is amazing at looking after all of us. It's bloody hard work and we do get snippy sometimes but we realise it is due to tired. We wouldn't change anything.

I was so sad to read that your DH leaves so early in the morning. That's the best time ime. Completely agree he can sleep on the couch if he's not going to be helpful at night. Or start to think about your long term future - can you move somewhere bigger, closer to family if you need support etc. I hope you get some sleep soon.

This husband isn't "just" lazy though. He is abusive and his treatment of rooty chills me to the bone.

I know it isn't the done thing but it's all there in previous threads.

In the short term rooty you need to get a decent wedge of sleep.

In the longer term you need to work out a plan to get out of this abusive relationship.

Yes, I thought ladyluck's comment was horrible. When you're sleep-addled and living with a selfish bully, a sneering comment from the 'told you so' book of wisdom, that must be pretty hard to read.

Corabell is right ranty. Divide things in to short term and long term.

1. Get some sleep
2. plan
3. look after yourself. Have some orange juice, vitimins, broccoli. It just makes you feel like you're looking after yourself which is good mental energy. You know how they say that smiling for no reason can increase feelings of happiness, well for that reason, look after yourself in the small ways because it sends the message back up to your self-esteem that YOU are worth caring for.

In a relationship like yours, you're trained to feel the weight of all of the abusive partners needs and wants and you begin to feel guilty for even identifying (but never meeting!) a need of your own.

Start with small steps to take control.

My 4th was awful once we started weaning, sleep went to pot, think some of it was developmental too. It wont last forever.

Ive had two that once they were awake and showing no signs of dropping back off I had to get up at ridiculous times of the night or they would have just screamed. It doesnt last and once they start being more active they tend to get better.

Agree you need to get some sleep short term and work on a long term plan, he isnt just lazy hes abusive

I'm sorry, the 'I go to work and therefore I must have unbroken sleep' thing is rubbish. From when DS was 7 months old, I was at work at DH was on pat leave. I still did at least 1 night waking as I was still BFing.

His worst sleep phase was from 11-14 months when we were both back at work. It was often utterly grim, but we both pulled our weight, alternated nights (we started by alternating wakings but that turned out to be immensely silly), and we still managed to function ok at our high profile, high pressure jobs.

OP, you have my extreme sympathy. I worry that taking the baby out of the room is getting him into a cycle of wakefulness - do you feel strong enough to deal with your DH quite firmly at night? Statements like 'I am choosing to prioritise DS and sorting out his sleep.' 'If this is disturbing you, you can sleep on the sofa or use earplugs.' 'DH, you are now keeping DS from going back to sleep. Please go into the living room if you want to make noise.'

I wonder if you make it about his impact on your son, rather than his impact on you, it might change the conversation. He does sound fairly awful, though. I think you need to 'win back' one of the weekend days - tell, don't ask. 'I'm having Sunday in bed. Can you arrange to go on an outing with DS for part of it please?'

I really feel for you OP. Awful of your DH to reneg on all these promises of being fantastic father. It's so hard feeling powerless to change that.

Re the sleep I think you've come to the same conclusion but your H really needs to go in the lounge if he wants to get back to sleep. Wrt to getting DS back to sleep I agree he needs to stay in cot or at least in the same room.

Re the washing and weaning I remember it all getting a lot harder at that stage and having a bit of a freak out. The extra workload of the cooking and cleaning up after meals and the resulting extra washing was a bit of a shock and I remember telling my H I was struggling. I did a lot of spoon feeding purely to avoid the mess.

What time does your H get home? At that stage I got H to do the bath pretty much as soon as he got home. He does no nights but doing the bath has become his thing now and I think it is kind of his wind down time now.

Sorry you are going through this.

There is another thread I am on in "behaviour and development" about babies getting really disturbed sleep when they are just starting to crawl, so yes this is a thing.

There was another thread on here a while ago about how op was really unreasonable to complain to neighbours about their baby crying, although it turned out the neighbours were contributing by shouting at their child who was in another room, so perhaps she was not so U! In other words, don't worry about them.

BUT I do agree from reading your later posts that you have a much bigger problem in the shape of selfish DH. YOu need to tell him that baby is going down in his cot and that's that. If anyone is going into the living room it is DH to sleep on the sofa if he so badly needs this rest. However, I agree with lots of PPs that he could easily fit some sleep for you into his schedule - late eve, early morning and/or taking some of the nights.

I also strongly agree that it is dangerous for you to be this exhausted in charge of a baby - you really do have a job where someone's safety is at stake. Also I'm really concerned that you fear he might be a danger to your baby when he gets frustrated - if this is the case we are getting into LTB territory...

Oh yes - imp info - I am working as well as dh and I cope with broken nights and work.

I am not a surgeon but I do have a high stress jobs where any mistakes of mine could have a v big impact on other people's lives.

We have to cope.

My Dh is pretty good - division of labour slightly depends on what I am actually doing the next day - but he is much more of a "put him down and leave him" advocate than I am. We have had to compromise!

just wondering ..where did you plan for your baby to sleep if you have no other room??

and you said he wants another..so where does he think that child whould sleep?