"She doesn't want to lie down" Aibu to think you bloody get up with him then

[Rantymop]

7 month ds has started waking up a lot in the night. Dont know why.

It's always been me who gets up as my husband works and is therefore too busy and important to be tired.

Last night baby in bed at 7,woke at 11pm - 11.30, 1.30 - 4 and then at 6, I am up for the day now.

Each time I have come into the living room so h can sleep.

The baby wakes at 6 and I am exhausted. Bring him in bed as that sometimes works and h says "he doesn't want to lie down".

I'm on my knees here. I keep telling him I need him to do more. But he WORKS.

I do take him in the living room with me.

If I try to settle him in the cot repeatedly, dh ends up huffing and puffing and getting frustrated with me, so it saves on arguments just to leave the room.

I literally sit in the dark with him.

No lights, no tv.

It's very draining and very boring.

We have no money for extra help sadly.

He's so good at turning everything around though. It's always me that is unreasonable, no matter what. Like I said, he's got an answer for everything.

Ds has been madly trying to draw for two weeks now, throwing himself on his front from sitting and then pushing his arms up, hasn't worked out how to get the legs up yet so is getting frustrated.

He's not doing this in his cot btw, but I did read that milestones have something to do with sleep?

My older ds was always a 5.30 riser until age 3, but he slept like the dead from 12 weeks, so I've not experienced this before.

If I try to settle him in the cot repeatedly, dh ends up huffing and puffing and getting frustrated with me, so it saves on arguments just to leave the room.

Tell him to stop huffing and puffing and either put in ear plugs or he can go sleep in the other room. You're NEVER going to get him to settle in his cot if you keep taking him out into the other room.

OP, you need to basically lay it out on the line to him. This is dangerous - you're going to get run down, exhausted, and end up in hospital. And then where will you be? Can you afford for him to have to take a couple weeks off work unpaid because you're ill in hospital??

He needs to pull himself together and step up to the plate, whether he wants to or not.

I agree with Scarlett - you need to talk to him and some holiday is a great idea - even if he sleeps late you can then 'swap shifts' and you can catch up. Try to make use of your husband when he is there so you can get some rest. Even if its just an hour it will help.
I also think that there may be a confidence issue in terms of your husband looking after the baby. I find it easy to forget that I know our DD better because I'm with her more. The only way to fix that is for DH to spend more time with her, alone or with you there. He will gain confidence and find it easier to deal with. Try not to take over.
And if he doesn't know how serious your PND is, please do talk to him. It is a very misunderstood condition.
Hope things get better soon.

Tell DH that his huffing and puffing is contributing towards the problem by extending it.

If DH is not prepared to deal with the issue then at the very least he needs to let you deal with it without contributing to it.

You cannot help the baby sleep if you are stressed about the huffing and having to take her away from the room

He needs to do a section of the night for sure. He would still get sleep.

In your example, he should either have done the 11pm ish ones and allowed you to sleep though until the middle of the night ones, or got out of bed at 6 and let you sleep until he left.

He doesn't really have an excuse if he doesn't have to get up early to commute. I live similar distance times to work. Would send DW to bed early evening or let her snooze on sofa.

I would do anything up to about 12 and then DW 3-4 and then i would do 6-8 before leaving for work including cup of tea and toast left on bedside.

Friday through to sunday day are 'daddy takeover' where I did everything, to me felt least i could do seeing as she has him all day.

Guys have no excuse for not doing more I don't get why these attitudes still prevail.

He is no help with the PND.

It's a long story but he was the cause of it. He was beyond useless and awful during my (planned) pregnancy and when he was small. He even admitted that he didn't like him until he was three months, didn't k ow how he should feel.

But during that time he was telling me I was coming him out - I wasnt, he just did t care, which he admitted to. The only thing he said about PND was that he hated me being weak and turning to medication.

I think I I would have harmed myself if I hadn't gone on them when I did.

He's so good at turning everything around though. It's always me that is unreasonable, no matter what. Like I said, he's got an answer for everything.

You are giving the opportunity to reply and accepting his answer. Your reply is simply that prolonged lack of sleep is a recognised method of torture. Repeat over and over. Do not engage in a debate with him, as there is no debate to be had here. You need a break. Yes he needs rest and a break too, but not at your complete expense.

The only thing he said about PND was that he hated me being weak and turning to medication.

Fucking arsehole. If your leg was broken, would he expect you to carry on and do everything? Nuff said. Mental health is health. You don't choose to get ill and you are not weak.

Gosh op I think you need to read this thread again and look at what you have written. Do you think he even values you as a person? How would you even want to be with someone like this. He has caused you more pain during pnd, been absolutely awful afterwards, has no respect for you and didn't even like his own child!
Seriously you are settling for so little with this man.

Yeah, he's sounding more and more like a complete arse. Doesn't want you to turn to medication for a medical condition? What a twat.

No sleep, or broken sleep is probably the single most debilitating thing I have ever experienced - it ruins you mentally and physically.

You just sound so defeated in your posts - you have to take action now, or you will get worse.

Do you see a cpn as well as being on the anti-d's? I found that having someone completely impartial to talk at, who was able to point out the good bits to me after I'd spilled all the bad bits, was hugely beneficial. Speak to your gp about access to a cpn or similar if you don't already.

Talk to your husband - really talk. Tell him you need to really talk, and that you don't want to argue, are not attacking or blaming, do not want to slip into usual roles, but just want & need an honest discussion with him.
Tell him what you've told us - you're at breaking point and are too exhausted to think straight. Tell him you need him; you need him to take over from 7pm (when your son goes to bed) until midnight, every night (that means you will have 5 hours uninterrupted sleep every night), on weekends you need him to do 7am onwards (he will have 7 hours unbroken sleep, midnight to 7, you then get to rest on weekend mornings).

Controlled crying in the evenings really is the way forward - at 7 months old an otherwise typical baby shouldn't need night feeds or to be awake in the night, you need to break the habit. Offer water from a bottle, dummy, hair stroke and retreat - repeat all night as necessary. It may take a few nights and you will feel horrendous during it, but it really is short term pain/long term gain. (Ignore any suggestion of cruelty - it's not, it's cruel how you're feeling at the moment).

Hopefully he'll get the crawling thing soon, too - and he can wear himself out during the day; in the meantime, be good to yourself and try to take action (whilst ignoring housework).

He could get up at 6, and leave at 8.50 and be at work on time! You would then have 3 solid hours extra.

Tell him to shape up or fuck off, he's being a massively selfish arse. You may as well be alone with your baby for all the help you're getting.

Aaah, just cross posted lots, sorry.

Agree with redtoothbrush re mental health. Pnd is fucking awful, as are all mental health problems - what he said to you about being weak etc is disgusting.

Talk to him, tell him you can't go on, tell him he has to start pulling his weight, tell him he was part of the baby decision & baby making process so he has to be part of the baby-rearing too. He is his son too, and he needs to be an active part of that.
As your husband, partner and team-mate he needs to be on your side and helping you wherever possible.

OP - I wrote a long reply about speaking to your DH, but after seeing your last post I deleted it, as it's pointless. Your 'D'H sounds vile at best and abusive at worst. What he said about your PND and medication really beggars belief. Please speak with your HV - amongst other ways they can help, they may be able to put you in touch with organisations like Homestart that can provide assistance.

As for your H - personally, I would tell him to grow up and act like a husband and a father, not a third child and, if he couldn't, not to let the door hit his arse on the way out. I appreciate you are not in the right place to do that, but I wish you all the best in getting better and getting to a place where you can

Rantymop,

Is your husband the one who left you to go to a funeral when you were very poorly? Your name rings a bell.

I think you know deep down that family life happens on your H's terms only. He doesn't want to support you or put himself out, does he?

In the short term go to sleep when your DS does, ignore your H's huffing and put him last .

Yep Cora. That was me.

On a side note, next door were banging on the wall at 3am when ds was crying.

We are in a ground floor flat of a victorian terrace, both sets of next door neighbours have the whole house, therefore our bedroom is on the ground floor and theirs were upstairs so I was hoping they wouldn't hear. (Upstate is fine, he's a noisy bugger at times too so he said he doesn't care!).

Am about to write a not to both sides, just to explain that ds is teething/ having a hard time sleeping, saying I am trying to rectify it and apologising for it. Is that the right thing to do?

I don't know the neighbours, they are youngish without kids.

My sympathies. Tell him you are going away for the weekend because you need to sleep. Pass him in the hall on Friday night and come back at 8am Mondayy.

That'll learn him I know you've had better more practical advice than that but my x was the same. At one point I was up half the night with two of them. He would still sigh with frustration when they woke up even though it was me that had to get out of bed. I tried not getting out of bed, but I diddn't have the energi for fights at 3am every night.

Ranty mop I remember great deal of your back story as your husband has behaved so awfully towards you it makes me extremely angry.

He is abusive and narscissic. You can't reason with him, make him see sense, persuade or cajole him to do things differently.

I think you need to form an exit plan. He has failed to support you and bullies you in your own home.

His comments about the baby that you lost show you who he really is.

I wouldn't write to the neighbours if I were you. When you see them just smile and nod. If they bring up the children crying just stand there and nod and agree. My neighbours have dogs and the dogs will never grow up.

Also don't apologise to your gobshite neighbours! Ask them for their tips on how to prevent a baby crying. FFS

Stop getting the child up and taking him into another room, no wonder he keeps waking up.

I don't understand the title though, who doesn't want to lie down, She, he?

Oh, it's that soab is it? oh poor ranty. I read your other thread. He's a selfish entitled dickhead. He's never going to change. He doesn't CARE if you're wrecked tired all day long. You have to start caring about you.