"She doesn't want to lie down" Aibu to think you bloody get up with him then

[Rantymop]

7 month ds has started waking up a lot in the night. Dont know why.

It's always been me who gets up as my husband works and is therefore too busy and important to be tired.

Last night baby in bed at 7,woke at 11pm - 11.30, 1.30 - 4 and then at 6, I am up for the day now.

Each time I have come into the living room so h can sleep.

The baby wakes at 6 and I am exhausted. Bring him in bed as that sometimes works and h says "he doesn't want to lie down".

I'm on my knees here. I keep telling him I need him to do more. But he WORKS.

I was ebf until 8 weeks, but I had to go on antidepressants, I was so scared of how I was feeling, I didn't want to continue bf while on them as I'm on quite a high dose. So h never woke up when ds was a newborn, I has horrendous feeding/supply problems so just fed around the clock.

My DH was ever so tidy up until I had been on mat leave after a few months. I think he regressed to having mummy in the house to his childhood and it took many tears and arguments to get him to see the work load had increased in the house. So pulling his weight meant doing more than before.
He didn't show any sign of that before I was pregnant!

You sound at the end of your tether and I'm not surprised. Of course, in most situations, the non WOHP does the night time care but when the SAHP is clinically depressed and clearly not coping, it would take a real arse to not step in and support.

I think you need to find some time when just the two of you can sit down and talk. He needs to hear it loud and clear, no sugar coating. I understand he needs to work but there has to be some give and take. As others have said, find a slot of time that is your sleep time e.g. 9 pm till midnight and if he gets up at 6, he can do the 5 am baby soothing.

The martyr comment was out of line. It's really quite obvious even to the most unempathetic human being on the planet that you are having a rough old ride. UnMN hugs for you ((( ))) and lots of

Your husband is a lying twat. If he promised to be a hands on dad and now he can't be fagged, you have every right to be furious with him. im an older first time mum too, and iI made it a hundred percent clear to dp I was not interested in having a baby unless he did half of all the work. I also had pnd so at times dp ended up doing all of it.

Don't have any more kids with this man, no matter what he says. He has proved by his actions he wont help you.

if the problems are only occuring since you switched to formula, go to the doctor. My youngest was fine on breast milk, but had awful colic on formula. they prescribed infant gaviscom and he was soooo much better afterwards

I totally agree that your h needs to step up at least a bit - The pre midnight shift is a good one as lots of working people don't go to bed then anyway and he cam still get 6/7 hours post midnight. He also needs to know he can't get frustrated and swear at baby.

However I think a lot of people who are not primary carer (so often dhs) cope better if baby has a routine. So he knows "I will do this when baby wakes" rather than getting confused. I think this would help you both. I think it would also help if you agree when all potential needs are met - so offer feed, change, maybe teething gel or calpol if suspect teething, you put the baby down for a bit to try to sleep. You can both do this and he is much better off putting baby down and maybe staying nearby or coming back to pat now and then than swearing at baby. I remember with dd once putting her down and going out of room to hit my head against wall in frustration - this was an extreme example but much better to go away from her.

The problem with softly softly tactics is they can end up with parent at the end of tether stressing baby out!

I now have 8 month old. The other night he was terrible. But I had to keep just putting him down having sorted all the possible remedies. He can't just get up to play/have long cuddles. I ended up putting a teddy in his cot and having to stay awake to take it out when he was asleep but at least I was lying down and so was he!

Oh I'm right there with you OP. Its been about 19 months since I last had a decent nights sleep. DS is still breastfed so of course I do all the night time waking up. For the past couple of months he has started waking almost every two hours or worse waking up at 2am and just refusing to go back to sleep at all until about 7am. Instead he wants to climb, growl, screech and play. DP has had a few weeks off from work and has taken to saying "but you're awake, you do it" when I nudge kick him in the morning at 7 to take DS downstairs for breakfast. 3-4 hours later he strolls downstairs complaining how tired he is

When he comes home from work tonight, hand him the baby and walk out. Go to a friends, your mums, wherever you can, just go.

Take your pillow and a blanket. Don't take yr phone.

And return at seven am tomorrow.

If you do that twice a week, you will feel much better! And if your husband doesn't like it, we'll he should have helped you when you asked.

Oh OP

Yes DP is being a bit of a princess. What stands out in your posts as the biggest priority is how tired and down you sound. Do you feel your treatment for PND is having much effect? Is that something you need to feed back to your GP? I do get that being totally exhausted is going to make coping with PND infinitely harder.

If negotiating with DP is going to be a longer term goal, is there any chance of either of your parents visiting or staying over for a weekend and looking after ds so you can have a couple of full unbroken nights asap? Your local Sure Start children's centre also might have support or resources they can offer you for sleep and for coping with PND, you can drop into any centre and ask to talk to the information officer or manager and see what they offer in your area. Is your health visitor any good and do you like them? Can you get some support there? (and would she say to DP how tired you are and that you need some of the load lifted?)

In this instance, I agree he should step up- 6am onwards is fine if you've had a good night's sleep yourself, and he can also do weekends as well.

However, I don't agree that it is obvious the out of home working parent should also share all nights- first time around me and my husband shared nights (I used to wake him for company when breastfeeding)- madness. He was exhausted, unable to work effectively. Second time around he slept in another room/sofa with ear plugs on, so that only one person's nights were disturbed- he was fresher and more importantly able to work (as in pay the bills!) and help me more, so taking the children out on weekends for activities to allow me to sleep.

My own experience of SAHM with two children was that it's busy but not cognitively stretching and nothing bad happens if you are a bit under par through sleeplessness. I used to doze on the sofa while the children watched TV for an hour, they also both napped at the same time (on purpose) for an hour or two a day so there was plenty of time for me to catch up.

Some jobs out of the home are cognitively or physically demanding, I really don't think it is just operating heavy machinery! I don't think I did my academic job properly for about three years when the children were young, luckily I was in a job without much supervision and no-one noticed.

I am talking about night-waking though, not the 11 o clock feed or indeed up at 6 if the kids are- he can do those if he has had a 6/7 hour uninterrupted sleep!

Full sympathy op.
We had a nightmare with the dummy from about 7 to 12 months- ds woke repeatedly for the dummy. I wish I'd got rid of it.

Can he take the baby out, as in out of the house on weekends to give you a chance to catch up? That's what my husband did- with both children, I would pack them up a packed lunch, shove them out of the house and either work or have a nap or both. Bliss! I have found some dads lack confidence though, so I think you have to push them into sole care on occasions, I have friends whose husbands never take all three/two or even one child on their own as they seem to think it is too much for them (but not mysteriously for their wives).

And- give you are feeling down, he should be doing this as an absolute priority. I expect you feel pretty unsupported by his whingeing when you are doing nearly all the baby care.

OP, you give him two choices. Either he steps up to the plate and helps out so you can get some sleep, or you're hiring a part time cleaner/nanny person to help out so you can get some sleep. One or the other. That's it. And stick to it.

Even if it's one or two days a week, or a few hours 3-4 days a week, even on a temporary basis, it'll be worth it's weight in gold for you. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse. And yes, he is being unreasonable. Parenting should be a partnership.

You have my sympathy OP.

Many many men regress when 'mummy is home all day' and become child-like in their behaviour. Mine H did (for some years) and I found myself without an adult partner but with someone stuck in a needy state for much of the time. It's not always possible to see that beforehand. OP had a man who was criticising former partner for this and now has proved to be exactly the same. OP, don't consider another baby whilst this is unresolved.

I can see that it might be easier for the OP to 'do' the weekdays/nights, although there are lots of practical suggestions above which might make that less painful.

What I don't accept is that OP's H should 'get out of' doing Fri/Sat nights and sleep away the weekend. That should be YOUR time to catch up on sleep and a few hours of time to keep you sane!

I am also concerned about him saying to the BABY: 'for fuck's sake, what's wrong with you'. It is hard to tell the 'tone' or intensity of it, but as language goes, I think this worrying.

DH has the kind of job where if he makes a mistake it could result in people being injured or even worse. Therefore we took the view that during his working week he should get adequate sleep.
However, this was on the basis that if he couldn't do MORE then I would need to do LESS to enable us to get through the difficult times.
A lot of the heavier housework (ironing, floors, bathrooms) was farmed out to reliable teenagers, if we had a cooked-from-scratch meal a couple of times a week we thought we were doing well, we had pillows and quilts hidden in every room so I could whip them out and take any opportunity for rest.
I remember one night dishing up microwave rice with a pot noodle on top and both of us falling about at the sight of our 'Chinese' dinner.
At weekends he would do the nights. If he felt something really needed doing (bed sheets changed?) he just got on and did it, usually while I snored on the sofa.
We also had beds made up in every bedroom, as it didn't matter where people slept as long as they managed to!
Of course there were times we quarrelled due to the tiredness/disturbance/lack of routine/lack of sex. But luckily we always both felt we were in it together. And kept believing that it would change one day.
Now the children are much older, we go to bed before them and leave them to it!

I tried to explain to my stbx that taking care of a small child is also the kind of job where if you make a mistake it could result in someone getting injured or even worse. If I'm too tired, I might leave a safety gate open, set something hazardous down without thinking about it, not notice them picking up something unsafe, slip and drop the child, not see them getting too close to a hot drink... all sorts of things.

Just because someone is in a job where mistakes can cause disastrous results, that doesn't mean their partner draws the short straw and has to go round the bend struggling to cope. It means you find other solutions. Again, it is a partnership - you both work together to find something that BOTH of you can cope with, without one taking on overwhelming responsibility or doing it all.

Endless washing (got to do loads of small loads as tiny flat and no where to dry)

Is there a laundry nearby you could use? I sometimes resort to dumping loads off when things are getting on top of me. It's not that expensive and it gives me a sense of lightness that is disproportionate to the actual work it saves me. (I did it today and practically skipped out of the joint! It will be ready tomorrow, washed, folded and sorted into adult/childrens clothes).

Totally understand where you're coming from. You're shattered. However I work in finance and it's mentally draining and very hard to concentrate if you haven't had a proper nights sleep. If his work isn't accurate enough then he will get the sack because it's all about accuracy. Have a think about how you will all cope if that happens. It is a hard time at 7 months with the teething and weaning etc. Don't fight or turn on each other just work out a way to cope with it together. So you are less exhausted and he can do his job. Hold it together. You'll get through this. If it's teething then I would suggest calpol for a few nights and give him a night time feed at 11pm where he's hopefully still asleep, so he wont wake up at some ungodly hour. Sleep becomes your most precious commodity, lack of it drives us all insane tbh.

I've not read the whole thread, but I've been where you are. The danger is, you get angry, he gets defensive and you row. Solving nothing. You both have very valid reasons as to why you need your sleep. You need to think of a compromise that will make things better. For me, I went to bed at 9 pm, DH did the first get up at 11. Meaning I slept 9-2 and DH slept 12-6. I got up at 2, then 4, then 6, which was hard. But on five solid hours sleep it was doable. My SIL got her DH to do the early get up so that she could sleep in a little longer. You have to do what is right for you. Good luck. It doesn't last forever, dd didn't sleep through until she was 2, but from 10 months 3 wake ups became 2, 2 became 1 before she slept completely and each time it got a little easier. Also, at the weekend make sure DH gets up early and you get a lie in on one if the days.

You need to let him do Friday and Saturday nights. Get some earplugs and leave him to it. It will not hurt your ds if his father is exasperated with him at 2am - most children experience this. Of course if you think he'd actually harm your ds that's different but then you'd have a bigger problem.

When DS wouldn't sleep as a baby, DH and I alternated days so that every other night, one of us would get a full night's sleep while the other sorted out the baby if he woke.

I agree with those saying that, if he won't do more, you must do less. If that means paying for help, then so be it. If he objects, well he knows what to do then, doesn't he?

If you carry on as you are, you're risking a complete breakdown. How does he fancy all the childcare, housework responsibilities etc. while you are in hospital, recovering??

You said in your op that the baby was awake most of the night (1:30 til 4) and you went in the living room so as not to disturb your husband.

Am I right in thinking that the baby was actually up, with you in the living room? Or was he just grizzly in his cot for all that time?

If you are getting up with him and taking him out of bed, then he is getting his day & night arse about face probably.
When he wakes up in the night, just give him a bit of water (from bottle) and put dummy back in (making the usual shushing noises etc). Do this repeatedly until he falls back to sleep.
It may take a couple of nights, and you will be absolutely fucked, but it will be worth it to break the habit of him getting up in the night.

Wrt your husband, tell him you are on your knees tired and are at the end - get him to put a week's leave in if poss, so that he can give you a rest. It will benefit both of you if he does that - make sure he really understands just how close to breaking point you actually are.

And let the housework slide for a little while - it's not the end of the world if the ironing is not done; go a bit easier on yourself - nobody is superwoman.

Wasn't there a thread recently with a mum in a similar situation, and even though the dad was doing the weekend nights, she found herself getting up and 'taking over'.
I believe she took herself off to a Travelodge or something just to be able to go to sleep when she first felt tired and then sleep until she naturally woke up.
If I recall properly, when she went back she felt much more able to cope and discuss the issue and the dad had had the 'true' experience and was much more willing to listen.
I would say try that strategy, however the 'he gets frustrated' bit concerns me with it.

I could have written your post scarlett

Op don't bother with arguing the Toss over who is the most tired. It's pointless.

Honestly cc quite literally saved my sanity.

My 4 were awful sleepers and I did it with them all at around 7 months or later. Paradise.
Ignore all the negative shite that will follow if you mention cc.

You need sleep to function. Please do it. It's a miracle.

If you take over because he is huffing and puffing, then you are making a rod for your own back and he is taking full advantage of you. I wonder if he is doing it deliberately so he doesn't have to do it because he knows you will cave in. Thing is, if he is struggling this much when he does do it, he really is a gigantic arse in expecting you to do it all the time when he knows just how hard it is.

The fact that he works is irrelevant if you are in this state. He has a responsibility to his family - which doesn't just begin and end with bringing in an income - and he needs to step up. Even if its once or twice a week. Plus he needs to stop all this bollocks of needing to wind down, is just that. And you are letting him get away with it. You are not getting time to wind down, and this is now affecting your health.

You can not carry on as you are. The bottomline here is you need to stand your ground and stop letting him get away with it. He is walking all over you, but that is in part because you are letting him I'm afraid.