"She doesn't want to lie down" Aibu to think you bloody get up with him then

[Rantymop]

7 month ds has started waking up a lot in the night. Dont know why.

It's always been me who gets up as my husband works and is therefore too busy and important to be tired.

Last night baby in bed at 7,woke at 11pm - 11.30, 1.30 - 4 and then at 6, I am up for the day now.

Each time I have come into the living room so h can sleep.

The baby wakes at 6 and I am exhausted. Bring him in bed as that sometimes works and h says "he doesn't want to lie down".

I'm on my knees here. I keep telling him I need him to do more. But he WORKS.

The fowl and the pussycat speaks a lot of sense.
to you op. It sounds tough. He needs to realise that he has to step up.

Lady Luck - people do change. You don't know until you're in the thick of it how people will react to the hardest thing you'll ever do, because it is. And what a mean thing to say, honestly.

Ladyluck - I have a much older ds who is from a previous marriage.

His father did even less, used the I work thing.

I was with my husband for four years before ds. He always said what a crap dad ds father was for leaving me to it, I was so exhausted I had pnd. H said he'd never be like that if we had a child.

Well, he is. How could I have seen that coming when he promised he'd do his fair share?

Fwiw, I've been in organ since ds was 8 weeks, as funnily enough pnd hit again.

In organ?? I mean on Prozac.

It may sound harsh but LadyLuck does speak sense, this is a constant theme on Mumsnet that dads are lazy and useless around the house - I can't believe that they all just change overnight when their wife/partner has a baby. Do people really not have an inkling of what is involved before they have a child and what sort of support their partner is giving them already?

A poster further up says Before I even went on maternity leave with #3 I was fed up of doing it all - well, why on earth have a third child with such a useless man as a father?

Doesnt make sense to me to beat people with that when they are struggling and seeking support tbh.

Lots of sympathy op- I've done all night get ups with ds (now 14 weeks) he was a good sleeper then last 3 weeks have been awful- up every hour from midnight-5am then wide awake sometimes not even being able to put him down. If I've been up all night dh has no choice- I wake him at 5 and he has him for an hour feeds him, changes nappy and I get a solid hour sleep before he has to get ready and go to work. I am also going to sleep at 8 to get some sleep. If dh really won't have you friends or family who could take your dc for a walk so you can sleep?

It does sound harsh but I really can't believe that people would have no idea what to expect. If someone is selfish, you would see it even in the little actions of that person. You just do not wake up one day being selfish.

You say that he does Fri and Sat nights but gets frustrated so you take over.

Do you think that maybe that's making him feel a bit useless? Can you try and step back on those nights so that DH has to make it work?

I realise it's not easy but all the time you're stepping in to take over your DH will just be thinking 'well, what's the point, he doesn't want me'.

Let him get frustrated, let him learn to deal with it.

" no ones along you if you've done that bit of work yet".

Has he tried telling a hungry baby who wants his dinner right now that you "haven't done that bit of work yet?"

I used to say to my DH: "If you get something wrong at work, your boss doesn't scream, cry and throw things at you - often humiliatingly in front of others - and make you feel like the most incompetent person ever to do your job. And if they did they would get the sack, no one would claim you just have to put up with it; that it comes with the job, deal with it. And you are not in love with your boss, so you would not be upset by them screaming/shouting at you."

YANBU

If he doesn't have a very physical job or one that people rely on (thinking doctor, paramedic etc) then he needs to step up and help

Even if he did the 5am wakings for a few days at least you would get a bit of sleep

My husband as the sole earner commuted an hour and a half each way, worked full time and still managed to get up in the night on a very very regular basis and do his fair share of housework

Children were virtually thrown at him once he came home

Although I agree that you can't tell for definite how some people are going to act once a baby turns up I certainly wouldn't keep having babies with someone that selfish

This is a phase and it will pass.

I don't think your DH is being massively unreasonable and neither are you. Baby related tiredness is a bastard and I think most people on MN can fully empathise!

I think it's unfair of posters to say that your DH doesn't need to sleep when we don't know what job he does. He does need to sleep if he's operating machinery or driving a vehicle or indeed brain surgery!

But unless you are ebf (which I don't think you are) I see no reason why your DH cannot take charge of your DS before midnight which would allow you to grab some decent kip as others have suggested.

And I don't think you should be getting up with a 7 month old baby in the night. I definitely don't mean leaving him to scream but at that age, I would offer milk or water in a bottle (or bf) and then settle him down again. He may well not sleep but he needs to learn that nighttime is for rest and daytime for play. Even if you don't sleep yourself, you will feel better if you are lying down and at least resting rather than up and about in the middle of the night. Co sleeping may very well be your friend here. I know you haven't asked for parenting advice btw so apologies in advance.

Urgh - hugs and sympathy OP.

IMO there's work and there's work. Is he a surgeon? Operating dangerous machinery? Working extraordinary hours or under extreme stress? My Dh fits one of these categories and I felt absolutely no resentment when he said he wasn't able to help on week nights due to his work. If he'd had a "normal" job I would not have been so forgiving!

icklekid asked if there are other people who could help and I really think you need to explore these avenues. You may be surprised how helpful people will be?

If you DH has a "normal" type of job then he really needs to try to be a little more supportive. A lot, even. Does he have a "reason" why he chooses to go to work so early rather than be helpful?

He has said he wants another.

I laughed. There is now fucking way. I'm getting on a bit so it would have to be in the next year or so. No way on earth am I dealing with two babies and a teenager! (He's good with my teen, always helping him, gets involved in everything. But I suspect it helps that teen ds sleeps like the dead).

He works in finance, I get that he can't make mistakes, but I am on my knees.

When he gets frustrated I mean he'll say "fucks sake, what's wrong with you" etc to ds, I can't hear him talk to our baby like that. To be fair, I've called him out on it and he's got better, but I worry.

x posts there Tryharder - totally agree! Except for night feeding - I would avoid that at all costs.

Does he come home early if he leaves at 7:30 or does he do extra unnecessary hours?

I'd start with that. Unless in a v new job and needs to make a good impression (probation period or similar), I'd be making sure he didn't do any more than contracted hours as he needs to support you.

What really helps me is when DH gets home he gets changed and immediately takes dd 7.5 months off my hands for at least 30 mins. I usually just go to bed with the iPad but gives me my only non-mum time in 24 hrs.

I also sometimes get a lie in on a Sunday (bit hit and miss at the moment).

Mornings are busy here, ds can be a stroppy bugger before school, at the mo baby ds screams as he's so overtired.

To be honest, if I could bugger off at half seven I would too.

His excuses vary from neededing to find a car parking space to having extra work to do. He trips himself up and can't settle on one.

When he comes home he says he needs to wind down for a while, usually 30-45 mins. Drives me insane.

Surely the person who is nt working should do the late night night shift ? If late night wakings are shared then both parents should work, I accept the op is tired but I wonder if she is enjoying being a maytr.

Have you tried giving him a bottle in the night? Ignore what the books say he should be having, he may be hungry.

Is he teething? My DGC suffers terribly with her teeth and they seem to be taking forever to come through. Until they actually cut she is in lots of pain.

Give yourself a break and nap when the baby does during the day. All your jobs take longer anyway when you're exhausted.

Your husband must take over at weekends to give you a break. Non-negotiable.

And point out that there will be no more children, a) whilst you're in a small flat - where would you put another one? and b) until he realises what being a parent means. And even then, probably not.

Yeah I love being on my knees with tiredness and tRying to cope PND with no support from anyone. It's great fun this martyrdom.

Being at home with a baby is not "not working".its not like she can sleep all day and ignore the baby.

Northernparent68 She still needs a break at weekends, even if people accept your argument (which I don't). Her husband could definitely at least do the 11-11.30 wake before he goes to bed. He should also do weekends.

She's probably existing on 5 hours broken sleep every night. I'd be on my knees too.
In fact, my eldest was similar and trust me, my DH was up too. He never left it all to me. And that went on for two years! (sorry OP!)

He's not hungry. I've tried feeing in the pat but he just spits it out and cries.

The thing is I can't tell when he will wake up. It's so random at the moment, so there could be no, you do from x time to x time.

From 10 weeks he slept from 8 until 6.30 with a quick feed at 4am and then right back to sleep. Since no bottle, he was waking briefly at 4/5 for dummy to be put back, then right back to sleep.

This period of being up all night is new - about 4 weeks.

If someone is waking up several times a night for montgs on end then the other person should want to help abd give the other parent a break.