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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should have told the father about christening?

184 replies

Zippylovesrainbow · 20/10/2014 18:16

My friend had her son christened at the weekend... And didn't tell his father.
She says it's because they are in court over access.

I can't believe a vicar would do a service without the father present either! He isn't on the birth certificate, but he has rights as he applied for them via court.

It was a lovely day, but this has just ruined it, for me anyway. I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I just feel that her sons special, religious day is now tarnished by a lie and deceit.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 20:41

Nothing is wrong with the sikh faith - it was just an example of a father going behind the mothers back

There is a difference between not letting mum know and going behind her back.

From what the OP has said there has been no 'going behind his back'.

TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire · 20/10/2014 20:43

I agree with bf1000 had this been reversed most posters would have been up in arms about the fathers behaviour. Like shit would they have 'well if it was that important you'd have done it before'.

Deliberate exclusion of a none violent parent is a horrid thing to do and is just setting up problems that don't need to be there. Quite frankly it's nasty behaviour.

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:43

Ok maybe the father just doesnt let mum know then

I dont really know what the difference between not letting know and going behind back through

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 20:43

My friend had her son christened at the weekend... And didn't tell his father.

That sounds to me, like going behind his back

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 20:47

My friend had her son christened at the weekend... And didn't tell his father.

That sounds to me, like going behind his back

Or maybe a woman just christened her child and knows her ex has no interest in being there or being involved. Much like i know how unbothered my exp would have been so i didnt involve him. As i said- if it was important he would have at the very least asked what the christening plans were. OP has said that she didnt tell him, not that she told him it wasnt happening.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 20:50

Going behind his back would be lying about it. Saying it wasnt happening knowing he wanted to be involved and then doing it.

OP hasnt said once how the father feels about baptism, she has talked about how she feels about her 'friend's decision but nowhere has she said that she knows he will be upset/angry/gutted/heartbroken/unbothered

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 20:51

Dia - and just maybe, this particular ex does have an interest in being there or being involved. Hence Zippy's post. It seems he wasn't given the opportunity of either knowing about it, or being invited to his own child's Christening. That is very poor behaviour, on the part of the Mother.

In my opinion

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 20:54

Okay, fair point

Zippy - have you spoken to the Dad, and ascertained how he feels about the Christening? Is he upset, or not bothered at all?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/10/2014 20:54

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one on this thread who has admitted to doing the same thing and my thoughts on if I would feel differently if it was the dad who had done it are, nope wouldn't bother me in the slightest apart from child protection concerns or significantly inappropriate parenting what my children's other parent does during contact is not my concern.

If he wants to get his child baptised and have a party during his contact that is totally up to him he is under no obligation to invite or inform me.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 20:56

I would hazard a guess that the mother in question would know her ex better than any of us, including the OP. and again- if he was likely to be bothered i am very surprised that hasnt once been mentioned in OP's posts- in amongst how she feels about this thing that has nothing at all to do with her.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 20:57

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one on this thread who has admitted to doing the same thing

me too.

AlbaGuBrath · 20/10/2014 21:04

I think there are too many variables that could be taken into account to say whether it was unreasonable of her or not.

Personally I don't really see it as that big a deal but then I was christened and I'm not in the slightest bit religious.

merrymouse · 20/10/2014 21:14

I meant baptism in the sense of the kind of baptism you have when you join a church as an adult or confirm your faith as a child.

Christenings and baptisms of babies are a church and/or social occasion.

From a legal point of view you might as well have a ceremony welcoming your child to the local football club.

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 21:19

Bf I already said I wouldn't change my opinion. Don't get why you're still banging on about if the roles were reversed when they aren't so can't see why that's even relevant? And yes I am assuming as are you. But can only go on what the op has said and none of us know the reasons why the mum didn't tell her ex. There are always two sides to every story, but i hate when people bring up the poor fathers rights routine. Not every mother keeps their kids away on purpose.

PiperIsOrange · 20/10/2014 21:23

I would be fuming if I missed this mile stone, I am not religious at all.

The reason I would be fuming is that it's an important event in a child's life and even though I'm not religious I would go with my DC to support them if they was religious.

Unless there is a history of abuse or the NRP is a dire parent then it should have been discussed.

If a decision couldn't be reached then the child could always choose for themselves when they are older.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 21:24

i hate when people bring up the poor fathers rights routine.
Not every mother keeps their kids away on purpose

Why do you?
Equally, not every father is a bad'un, not every father stays away from their children on purpose. Confused

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 21:33

Evans are you going to nitpick every fucking thing I say? Im not going to explain my opinion to you. If you want to fight for fathers rights and nitpick others opinions that differ from yours f4j is just a google away. Crack on.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 21:34

The reason I would be fuming is that it's an important event in a child's life

Not necessarily. Many children arent even conscious of what is happening, it's only really important in the child's life if the child has chosen it knowing what it means. Many get baptised and only set foot in a church afterwards for family weddings/funerals/other baptisms.

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 21:38

Llargies if you are going to get your hair off when someones view differs from yours why dont you avoid AIBU as this thread does tend to get lots of different views. crack on yourself if you cant handle discussion

starlight1234 · 20/10/2014 21:40

My DS was baptised .. His choice when he was an infant.

His Dad was not informed as he has had no contact for years. He is on BC and we were married at the time of birth

No one knows the situation here. Because it is in court chances are mum and Dad are not in speaking terms.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 21:40

Charming!

Not nit-picking, simply asking you to justify your statements.
How can you say that you 'hate it when people bring up poor father's rights' if you are not able to back it up? How can you hate a perfectly reasonable question?

It's not at all unreasonable to query it, within a reasoned debate.

LynetteScavo · 20/10/2014 21:42

If the father is religious he should be pleased the child has been christenend whether he was there or not.

If he's not religious, he shouldn't really care if water has been poured over the child's head or not.

Would it still have been a lovely day if the father had attended, or would tensions have run high?

I think having the birth registered without the father is more of an issue.

blanketyblank100 · 20/10/2014 21:45

If the father is religious he should be pleased the child has been christenend whether he was there or not.

Ha! Classic case of mumsnet insanity.

pennefab · 20/10/2014 21:47

I'm trying to understand why the day was ruined for OP? What does it have to do with your happiness? I do think YABU if you think other people will or should make choices for their children based your happiness.

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 21:49

Who are you to tell me to justify my comments though ? And bf sod off. I'm not questioning either of you for your opinion how about you wind your neck in and don't post to me anymore.