Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To think she should have told the father about christening?

184 replies

Zippylovesrainbow · 20/10/2014 18:16

My friend had her son christened at the weekend... And didn't tell his father.
She says it's because they are in court over access.

I can't believe a vicar would do a service without the father present either! He isn't on the birth certificate, but he has rights as he applied for them via court.

It was a lovely day, but this has just ruined it, for me anyway. I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I just feel that her sons special, religious day is now tarnished by a lie and deceit.

OP posts:

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 20/10/2014 19:42

I think it's fine as long as she accepts he's free to do the same thing in whatever religion he chooses

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 19:45

Is the father deeply religious or an active church goer?

To turn that question on it's head - Is the mother also deeply religious or an active church-goer?

Again, interested to know.

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 19:46

Friends support each other. Good and the bad. There is nothing immoral about what her friend has done so not sure why she's on here slagging her friend off for her choices. Getting a child christened without the father present is hardly the crime of the century.

SpidersDontWashTheirHands · 20/10/2014 19:50

I think it's none of your business OP and, if you had objections, you probably shouldn't have goe to the christening.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 19:50

So if you are a friend of both parties, then you would be less of a friend to the Dad, surely, in that scenario. OP hasn't "slagged off" her friend - she's asked a question.
Getting a child christened without the father present is not the crime of the century, agreed - however, it is incredibly hurtful to the father if he features largely in the child's life and actively wants to be involved. How would the mother feel if it had happened the other way around, I wonder?

KatieKaye · 20/10/2014 19:53

Err - the website link does say Church of England.
Being the major non-Catholic denomination in the UK, that was the one I copied the link to, although not C of E myself.

Houseteen converted to Catholicism 6 years ago. As she was already baptised(Congregational Church) the priest said no Catholic baptism was required because she had been christened. I guess it can vary from parish to parish (or even priest to priest)

In scotland can have a reaffirmation of baptismal vows with an ecumenical liturgy agreed by Church of Scotland, Episcopal and Catholic churches. www.churchofscotland.org.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0011/3116/baptism_liturgy.pdf

At a confirmation (Episcopal) I attended two ladies in their 50s reaffirmed their baptisal vows before the confirmation service. But this is about the person taking the baptismal vows themselves, which is quite different from actually being baptised, when the congregation take the vows on behalf of the baby.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/10/2014 19:53

I asked the question because me thinking its acceptable or not is dependant on the answer.

I have quite an interest in how this thread goes because I've done it myself,I had 4 of children baptised with the other parent having no knowledge of it.as far as I am aware they are still none the wiser.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 19:55

Err - the website link does say Church of England.

Err- thats why i asked does it cover just CofE or all others.

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 19:56

Well if he's that bothered he can air his views to ops friend then. Still don't see why she needs to bitch about it on here instead of to her? Let's face it if she's good friends with both and didn't want the ex knowing why on earth would she invite op?! Surely she would go back and tell the ex? No one is that naive surely? Either ways I think you need to mind your own business op. You might not agree with what your friend has done, but it's her business not yours.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2014 20:00

Yabvvu you have no idea why she does not want the father to know, and there might be issues you do not know concerning the father. The fact that he us not on the birth certificate,it's going through the courts is quite telling. Nine of your business you are right. Are you his friend, because if you were her friend you would know her reasons as to why the father was not invited, and be supportive.

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 20:09

What Aero said with bells on!

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:10

I wonder what the reaction would be if a Mother posted to say she was upset as she had just found out that her ex had got their child christened at the weekend and she wasn't invited/told about it/it was done behind her back

Would it make a difference if there was a difference in religion?

Would we be saying tough mum you can do a naming ceremony or a blessing - its almost the same thing

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 20:13

My opinion wouldn't change if he had custody and the ex was going through court.

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:14

and if they have shared care?

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:16

Maybe they are going through court because of contact blocking if mum is stopping the child from seeing the father than the father is acting in childs best interest to get contact set up through courts - so a parent going to court isnt a bad thing you know

whycantifindaname · 20/10/2014 20:17

I think you are getting a hard time OP. I see your point. We can't possibly know whether the mother had a good reason to exclude the father.

But, I agree that in the absence of a good reason (i.e. abusive relationship), where Dad is actively trying to be involved in the child's life, he should have been invited.

The christening is about the child, not the mother. It can only occur once.

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 20:19

They don't have shared care. And maybe the mother isn't keeping the father away maybe he cba in the beginning. Not all mothers purposely stop fathers from seeing their kids you know. Maybe he was a shit to her. Told her he didn't want the baby. You don't know anymore than me so leave off that old chestnut. It's tiresome.

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:27

you dont know either which is my point why assume the mother is perfect and the father terrible?

From OP posts it does come across as the mother is deliberately being difficult hence the OP frustration upset as being good friends with mother she is probably aware of mothers games

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 20:27

if a Mother posted to say she was upset as she had just found out that her ex had got their child christened at the weekend and she wasn't invited/told about it/it was done behind her back

If christening was important then the mother would have had it done herself surely? If not important then why upset about not being invited?

Difference in religion- then the baptism would bear no importance to the parent who wasnt there.

My mum had my dcs baptised. I didnt attend. My involvement began and ended at signing the permission form. Baptism wasnt important to me as an atheist. Youngest was 3 when baptised- plenty of time for his father to have had it done if it was important to him.

Polyethyl · 20/10/2014 20:28

I agree that it is a mean thing to do. Baptism, marriage and funerals. They are the main ceremonies through a life, whether you are religious or just doing it for the traditional party. Being intentionally excluded from a loved one's event is just mean. (Unless there is a very good reason.)

I can understand why the OP thinks less of her friend for having done this.

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:29

So if father during his contact with child gets child involved in the sikh faith without letting mum know - that would be fine llargies?

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:30

Dia maybe mum was planning one but dad got in their first is what i meant.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 20:33

So if father during his contact with child gets child involved in the sikh faith without letting mum know

What is wrong with the sikh faith?

Dia maybe mum was planning one but dad got in their first is what i meant.

Would mum have been doing that without dad's knowledge? Otherwise surely dad would be aware of her plans and not have any need to arrange a christening.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 20:36

You are also making assumptions, LLARGIES. You are right - we do not know the reasons - on either side! Maybe the Mum is simply being mean against the Dad, who may have done nothing wrong, whatsoever. We don't know, as we haven't been told. Therefore, wrong to make assumptions, either way.

Son's friend, for example, doesn't have shared care, simply because he has been denied it. I know the lad - he has been a good partner, a bloody fine Dad. He is the one to have been pushed out (he really, really loved the Mum and is so proud of his daughter). Pays maintenance, has baby two or three times a week and every other weekend - whenever he is allowed, really. He's been shat upon. Not all Dads are in the wrong, whatever some might think. They are often treated badly, and it is not fair. His daughter was christened deviously, and he was upset. I can see that possibly OP's friend, from what she says, has done the same.

None of us can make assumptions - we can only ever pass opinion on facts that are presented to us.

bf1000 · 20/10/2014 20:37

Nothing is wrong with the sikh faith - it was just an example of a father going behind the mothers back (like the mother has in OP post)

Maybe dad wanted to get in first

just trying to reverse OP situation to see if people still think the parent was right to do it behind dads back

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8