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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should have told the father about christening?

184 replies

Zippylovesrainbow · 20/10/2014 18:16

My friend had her son christened at the weekend... And didn't tell his father.
She says it's because they are in court over access.

I can't believe a vicar would do a service without the father present either! He isn't on the birth certificate, but he has rights as he applied for them via court.

It was a lovely day, but this has just ruined it, for me anyway. I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I just feel that her sons special, religious day is now tarnished by a lie and deceit.

OP posts:
Poppies26 · 20/10/2014 18:31

My son was christened in a Catholic Church, his dad wasn't there and I didn't tell him. If i remember rightly he didn't even want it to happen. He had agreed when we got married to bring kids up in the catholic faith. He knew it was going to happen but not date place etc.

youarewinning · 20/10/2014 18:31

My son was christened without his father present. And chose school, started school, attended every hospital appointment etc.
I've told his dad (or rather his fathers wife) via message but if he doesn't make effort to even ask, or even show he cares should I really not do anything for DS - ever? (Just in case it upsets his father)

Having said that if a father had 50/50 contact and child spent half time there I would think it strange to be kept a secret. But in that circumstance I doubt it would be iyswim?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 18:32

And how on earth do they do that when father isnt named on birth certificate?

Oh - did I miss that point? Did OP say father wasn't named on BC? Father in my tale was named on BC. If father isn't named, then that would quite clearly be a completely different scenario.

Original poster
Zippylovesrainbow · 20/10/2014 18:33

I am her friend, but I know him too

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 18:34

Yes father in OP is not named on BC. OP says he has applied for rights but not sure whether he has them or not.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 18:35

Regardless of whether he is on BC or not- priests dont need both parent's permission.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 18:35

Yes, Dia - I see that now, apologies! I did miss it.

Original poster
Zippylovesrainbow · 20/10/2014 18:41

I know he has rights cause she was raging about it months ago to me.
He wasn't on birth certificate, but I've just googled that he could of added himself since he got the pr?

I've told her to be careful, because I'm not sure what the law is.
I don't agree with it though, he obviously wants to see his son from applying to court twice and all she's told me.

Friend or not, I have morals

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 18:48

Interestingly enough, you dont have to agree with it. As i said- it's between to two of them. You sound like you are trying to scare her with talk of 'being careful' and 'the law'. She is free to christen her own child FGS! There is no law that she must invite, include or inform the child's father. If anyone were to get in trouble over it, it would be the vicar- however i dont think there is any law that states they must get consent from someone who isnt named on the birth certificate. Tbh you dont sound like a friend at all- keep your neb out.

DoughnutSelfie · 20/10/2014 18:49

Why did they split up, out of interest?

Original poster
Zippylovesrainbow · 20/10/2014 18:58

She left him for someone else

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 20/10/2014 19:00

YABU

It's church law not civil law. And church law says only one of those with parental responsibility need to give permission or be there.

MaidOfStars · 20/10/2014 19:05

I don't see that a christening is a legal thing? Why would there be laws about who can, who can't, who attends, whatever?

FamiliesShareGerms · 20/10/2014 19:11

It might not be actually illegal, but I agree with the OP that it is morally dubious to not tell a dad (and therefore lie by omission) about something as important as a christening, especially when he is involved in the DC's life and presumably the mum would be pissed off if he did the same without telling her.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 19:15

Christening's arent important to everyone. As i said- my exp has never asked if our Dcs are christened. If a christening is important to this guy there is nothing stopping him arranging his own- if he has PR.

Sparklypants · 20/10/2014 19:18

Tbh I don't see why you're getting your knickers in a twist over this.
Yes it would've been nice if your friend had invited/told her ex about it, nice for him and the child, but quite frankly it none of your business.
Quite why it ruined your day I don't know.
It's not like it was YOUR day in the first place.

Why did you go in the first place if you felt so strongly about it?

KatieKaye · 20/10/2014 19:20

However, I think in most churches the christening is about welcoming a child into the church community. Baptism or confirmation is the more important event.

Baptism is exactly the same thing as christening

"What is the difference between a Baptism and a Christening?
There is no difference between a Christening service and a Baptism service. Some churches will use the word 'baptism' and some the word 'christening'. Babies are Baptized during a christening service just as couples are 'married' during a 'wedding' service". www.churchofengland.org/weddings-baptisms-funerals/baptism/christening-faqs.aspx

Ex-H was christened without his DM being there - she was still in hospital recovering from the birth and ex-FIL took baby off to church, had him christened and then took him back to the hospital. I thought it was rather strange but was assured this was perfectly normal back in the 50s and 60s for Catholics who wanted their babies christened within a week of birth.

KatieKaye · 20/10/2014 19:23

If a christening is important to this guy there is nothing stopping him arranging his own

Yes there is. From the same website; Can anyone have a Christening service? Yes, so long as they have not been Baptized already.

It's a one-off occasion.

DiaDuit · 20/10/2014 19:28

Well he could have a blessing done on the child. No law against that.

Is that website just to do with CofE or does it cover all?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/10/2014 19:31

Is the father deeply religious or an active church goer?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/10/2014 19:32

You can get a child baptised more than once you just do it in different faiths.

Being baptised COE does not prohibit later RC baptism

HairStylistToBoris · 20/10/2014 19:36

My dsd was baptised without my DPs knowledge just very recently. My dp found out after the fact from his DD. he was devastated. Both he and his ex are regular church goers so it was a big deal to him. It makes me sad that he wants to be as involved as possible in his daughters up bringing but is blocked at every turn. It's still hurts our whole family that we can't be more involved to support DSD as she grows up. He has PR and is on the birth cert for what it's worth.

LLARGIES · 20/10/2014 19:38

You're no friend!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 20/10/2014 19:41

LLARGIES - You're no friend

Why do you think that?
Truly, just wondering why you think it, no hidden agenda.

missymayhemsmum · 20/10/2014 19:41

On the basis that someone who chooses a christening for their child should be choosing a life based on values of forgiveness, YANBU.