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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry in the same year as my sister?

259 replies

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:32

My sister is getting married July next year. The venue is booked etc.

My partner and I have discussed marriage at length and next year would be ideal for us. We plan to ttc our next child from the summer so the year after would be out due to hopefully a pregnancy/newborn.

My sister originally said its fine but has now said she's worried that family from Ireland will only go to one of they're close together, also that my dad might pay less towards her wedding of I were to get married too. Our parents (both remarried) will help financially, they have done so for our brother, my dad is just notoriously tight!

My brother is hoping to emigrate to oz next year with his children.

Would I be unreasonable to also marry next year? I obviously would make my wedding as far from hers as possible date wise.

OP posts:
MackerelOfFact · 21/10/2014 12:39

Could you maybe have your wedding in Ireland so each set of guests only has to travel once?

SuperScrimper · 21/10/2014 12:42

I think getting married at Easter would be very, very wrong.

It seems very much like you want to steal the attention. Both you and your boyfriend seem to have been married before or at least already have children. Is not like the world will end if you don't get married next year.

Your poor sister has booked everything already.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/10/2014 12:43

It does all sound a bit complicated and the fact your DSis is quite so central in the year does make it tricky to have both good weather and a few months distance from her wedding date. If the first you knew of your sister's wedding date was yesterday when you said you were marrying then I think you can go for either Easter or October hols without too much difficulty.

KatelynB · 21/10/2014 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 12:55

Yep yesterday was the first I heard they'd booked July.

Neither of us have been married before.

The first three months of the year are cheaper for local venues, hence end of March to try and get the warmest possible whilst tying in with school dates.

The world won't end if it's not next year, but my brother won't be able to attend with his family, God willing my grandparents will still be around, we aim for me to be pregnant or with a bf baby next year so not ideal which puts it then at 2017. We also wanted DS to start school with his new name (at least not several years in).

Unfortunately over the net you don't know us. My sister will be in her element and will focus on every detail, I hate shopping and will have everything sorted asap. I'll enjoy the people I love being there, but frankly them watching as we marry, first dance etc will leave me blushing and nervous. I'm fine not being the centre of attention!

OP posts:
Boleh · 21/10/2014 12:58

Yes it would be unreasonable. Yours sister has but lots of time and money into her wedding already and arranged it with lots of notice. She is probably quite right that people won't travel from abroad twice in a few months so you are effectively going to poach her wedding guests if you have yours at Easter.

I would suggest that you either do it ASAP (before Christmas this year), ask her very nicely if it would be OK to have it on the Monday after hers assuming hers is weekend so the guests can stay on and attend both or wait until well after her wedding when people have saved enough time and annual leave to travel again.

If it's very important to you to get married next year could you literally just sign the paperwork at a registry office (maybe immediate family only if they wouldn't be travelling) and then have a blessing / anniversary party or similar in a couple of years.

I would like to have got married sooner but it was DP's sisters wedding two weeks ago and I wouldn't have had ours any sooner than the following late spring/summer - at least 6 months and a calendar year for annual leave purposes.

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 13:05

It's cheaper in the first three months of the year, I've stressed this many times, money is tight. That's why we would go earlier.

My sister isn't engaged officially. Her DP has been promising a proposal for a long time and it still hasn't happened. The first I heard that they had a date was yesterday after i'd already said about our plans.

Yes the marriage is more important to us than the day, hence making do on a small budget, that doesn't mean we dont want a wedding celebration and I can't believe some people think it is unreasonable to want one!

We've only realised now that's its financially doable this why it hasn't happened before.

My grandparents and one uncle live in Ireland so a wedding over there wouldn't work.

I honestly couldn't care less if everyone ignored my wedding completely bar the actual day and my hen do.

OP posts:
Boleh · 21/10/2014 13:05

Sorry - X-posted, I hadn't realised you had only just found out the date. Talk to her, talk to potential guests, see if they would be able to do both.

If not I'd revert to my final suggestion, small ceremony ASAP - big celebration in 2017 organised way in advance and with your brother so he can make it a trip back to the UK where he sees the whole family all together (instead of also having to travel over to Ireland). Could be a win-win?

MsCoconut · 21/10/2014 13:08

Fifi, yes, I can see that must have been a bit of a surprise buzz kill. I think speaking with your sister and the rest of your family to find out when would be a suitable time of year without treading on her toes is a good idea. Who knows? She might prefer you to to pick a date closer to her wedding (May? August?) if it works better around the plans she has already made.

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 13:10

Seriously, who gets married and has the party years later???

If I got married immediately after she couldn't be at my wedding! I think she'd also feel she's sharing her wedding time.

Annual leave wise, DP and I are employed but could obviously sort dates, a lot of family are teachers hence needing school holidays (as wedding will have to be a Sunday), a lot of people are retired.

Money isn't the issue with travelling, it's that my grandparents are old and coming over twice too close together may be too hard on them.

OP posts:
SuperScrimper · 21/10/2014 13:11

Lets be honest now, you don't give a crap what we say or what your sister says. You want to get married in March and no doubt you will do.

I d ind it quite funny you both have children with other people you didn't marry but it's now utterly critical you get married next March Hmm

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 13:14

May is too close, she had said that. I've mentioned March and asked if it were after how long after would be ok. I've said she can announce her engagement first and her wedding plans so that my grandparents commit to hers before they even know about mine. I've said the same re my dad helping out financially. I'll wait til she has sorted out what help he'll give before I tell him about our plans. I don't really know what more I can do except not get married at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 13:16

It's not critical we get married in March, it's just cheaper. Cheaper is good. I don't even know if it's available its just an idea. I don't know how many times I've written that now. After that would be a no as any school holiday would be too close to hers for her to be happy with. I have asked about after hers and have no reply as yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 13:20

If I had my pick of dates I wouldn't even be thinking of March, I'd want August! I don't think she'd like that. Super early September or October halfterm are possibilities

OP posts:
slimytoad · 21/10/2014 13:22

Why does it have to be a Sunday? Will your church do Sunday weddings?

NancyJones · 21/10/2014 13:25

I don't really understand why you keep saying that you're not married due to finances. Doesn't it cost about £50 to get married? It was something like that when I did it so maybe a bit more for inflation. Get married in church and then have dinner at your parents of something. It can be done for a couple of hundred quid at most.
Hey, if you want the big wedding fine but you keep saying you just want to get married. Plus keep saying the importance of the names for school etc. just get a licence and speak to the priest (I'm assuming you're RC, apol if not)

cerealqueen · 21/10/2014 13:25

If you don't like shopping, parties, being the centre of attention, worry about people attending or nor and the expense but want to do it next year for surnames, TTC, doing it cheap, marriage more important than the wedding why not Elope or just do it on the quiet?

soupey1 · 21/10/2014 13:26

Personally I think YABVU, she has planned and organised hers first and now you want to potentially spoil that by insisting on having yours before hers but within months.

I appreciate I may be looking at this with a skewed perspective since many years ago my dear brother suddenly announced his wedding to be a few weeks after my 21st birthday for which a family party (just as he had for his 21st) was planned. Quite a few relatives weren't willing to travel twice in a short time and it was my birthday they missed even though he had a choice of when to get married but my birthday had been set in stone 21 years before!!

PrivatePike · 21/10/2014 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2014 13:32

No I don't think this is a very good idea at all if your sister isn't happy about it. Her wedding has been planned in advance. You should either postpone it or have a witness only wedding.

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 13:35

I only found out about the wedding, which no one else knows about, yesterday, after I'd already spoke about our plans.

It has to be a Sunday due to contact time DP has with his daughter. There is absolutely no chance his ex would change the day, if she knew we were getting married she'd say she was ill or something when we went to pick her up as it is. According to the CofE website they do weddings everyday. My friend was married in church on a Sunday in July.

Mine and DPs family wouldn't forgive us eloping. Who doesn't love a good wedding? Our mums in particular would be devastated. There isn't a chance my mum would be happy with having a simple tea afterwards, not that I want it either. I like the party element, just not when a eyes would be on me! I can mingle etc.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 21/10/2014 13:38

a lot of family are teachers hence needing school holidays (as wedding will have to be a Sunday)

Can you explain the reasoning here? Why can't teachers travel on weekends outside the school holidays?

And why does your wedding have to be on a Sunday?

MaidOfStars · 21/10/2014 13:39

Sorry, cross-post on the Sunday thing.

merrymouse · 21/10/2014 13:41

I think your parents should just put you in a room together and say "I've had enough, nobody is watching any television until you sort this out between yourselves".

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 13:42

The Christian thing isn't an excuse. I'm saying we want to be married before God, we want it in a church. When we get married we want to do it properly. We don't want a registry office followed by tea at the inlaws. No we aren't bothered by children before marriage, that's irrelevant.

If my brother, wife and children are going to attend it has to be next year before try go which has to be before November.

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