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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry in the same year as my sister?

259 replies

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:32

My sister is getting married July next year. The venue is booked etc.

My partner and I have discussed marriage at length and next year would be ideal for us. We plan to ttc our next child from the summer so the year after would be out due to hopefully a pregnancy/newborn.

My sister originally said its fine but has now said she's worried that family from Ireland will only go to one of they're close together, also that my dad might pay less towards her wedding of I were to get married too. Our parents (both remarried) will help financially, they have done so for our brother, my dad is just notoriously tight!

My brother is hoping to emigrate to oz next year with his children.

Would I be unreasonable to also marry next year? I obviously would make my wedding as far from hers as possible date wise.

OP posts:
FluffyMcnuffy · 20/10/2014 18:27

I think YAB a bit U unless you do it very late next year. You don't seem that bothered about being married before having a child together so why not wait until 2017 or just go for the legal bit?

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 20/10/2014 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 20/10/2014 18:31

Did you want a big everyone attends do? maybe you would prefer a quiet one ....why would next opportunity be 2017??

HaPPy8 · 20/10/2014 18:31

I think its only ok if you do it after your sister with a reasonable amount of time between, so autumn/wintertime, as others have said above.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 20/10/2014 18:40

Oh, ffs, YANBU at all or mean. If you want your brother to attend then it will have to be next year. Just do it after your sister's wedding rather than before.

BookABooSue · 20/10/2014 18:43

I think the important part is that your DSIS has expressed reservations about it to you. Two of my siblings married in the same year but neither of them minded. Your DSIS does seem to mind so I can't understand why you'd want to cause her any upset or concern.

Also, and I may be reading too much into your OP, but you started by mentioning your sister's wedding plans not that your brother was hoping to emigrate. That ordering would imply your sister's wedding had more impact on you choosing a date than your brother's 'hopeful' emigration.

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/10/2014 18:45

Same year as your sister is maybe okay, given that your brother will have left the country and you would not want to postpone until his return (although I think your sister's worries, that people who have to travel a distance may not attend both, may well be valid)

But when, next year, fifi669?

I would think it would be rather unkind to now plan your's in the months ahead of her's (especially as she has booked her venue and presumably couldn't easily change her date). Please tell me that your not planning on doing that, OP?

So that leaves the rest of the year. I think it would be unreasonable to expect the same group of friends and family to gather for a second wedding within weeks of the first, or even within a couple of months of the first.

That leaves October, November, December.

Would you be okay with that?

Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:48

My immediate family, parents, siblings, step siblings, partners, children is fairly big. Grandparents, aunts and uncles are nothing numbers wise in comparison so it won't be smaller in that sense but a lot less extravagant. I'm prob getting my dress off eBay for example, My sister will spend £1,000+. I'll get a friend to do the photos, another to do the cake etc.

2017 would be the next opportunity as we plan on ttc next year and don't want me to be pregnant or have a newborn.

How far into the autumn would be fair? I'd prefer not to get married in a gale if possible! As I will be marrying at church there will be transfers from home to car, car to church, church to car, car to reception and I'd quite like to not look hideous!

OP posts:
Icedfinger · 20/10/2014 18:50

You should suggest a double wedding. Wink

ThereMustAndShallBeTea · 20/10/2014 18:52

Is everyone responding on this thread an actual grown up? Confused

Have it the following weekend so people can stay for both.

TipseyTorvey · 20/10/2014 18:53

I don't think this will end well if you go ahead. You'll both be planning hen do's, dress shopping trips, rehearsals and all sorts at the same time. There's bound to be clashes and resentments will start to form and by the time the weddings actually come around things may have been done or said that will fester. I'm basing this on experience - friends (or ex friends now) rather than sisters, but it all started with sweetness and light and didn't end well.

Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:54

I mentioned my sister's wedding before my brother moving as it is her I could upset. He only got word that he was eligible to move over Friday, the family still hope he won't but he's applying for a visa in the new year. He passes the criteria so it's just a medical in the way I believe.

If I were to do it before, it would be way before and around Easter as the local venues are 15% cheaper on wedding packages. Hers is end of July.

OP posts:
Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:55

I don't have any idea of availability anywhere by the way!

OP posts:
Roseformeplease · 20/10/2014 19:00

As long as it is well after her and you don't begin too much noisy planning until after hers, I would have thought it was fine. Not sure you can marry in church on a Sunday, though.

ZenNudist · 20/10/2014 19:03

I would. My dsis got married the same year we were planning to although we eventually put it off to the following year. She did 'check' with me beforehand but I would never have said no. Mind you she had no hen do and a very low key wedding.

I think it's also fine as you won't be planning to outdo her as you're going for a more intimate do. I vote a Christmas wedding! Or Easter works too. It might help weed out distant family who only want to travel to one. If you do an Easter wedding allow your dsis to send invitations first.

MaudantWit · 20/10/2014 19:03

I agree with those who say you can't bagsy a whole year and, as long as your wedding is after your sister's and you are tactful about making your plans, it ought to be fine.

But are you sure you will be able to marry in church on a Sunday? As far as I know, most priests will decline to hold weddings on a Sunday because the day is quite busy enough with services.

summersover · 20/10/2014 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 20/10/2014 19:09

YANBU, and I really can't understand anyone who sees something like this as an issue.

One of our closest friends had to get married a week before our wedding because of a complicated set of circumstances, and it was lovely. I wouldn't have dreamed of being anything other than delighted for my friend, and both of us having our very different but equally lovely weddings so close together just added to the specialness of the time for us and our mutual friends.

It's a wedding FFS, it's a nice occasion for families to share in and be part of and it doesn't make any difference when they happen. It's not going to make a difference to either of your marriages, and the marriage is kind of the point.

MaidOfStars · 20/10/2014 19:13

Even though your reasons may be perfectly rational, you have to consider how this will look to your sister.

Two months before is a no-no - you look like you're trying to steal her thunder.

What's wrong with a winter do?

RoLoh · 20/10/2014 19:13

Why don't you speak to your sis about having your wedding the weekend after hers? The relatives may be happy to stick around for a week to celebrate both and you can both benefit from a more protracted celebration where you actually get to spend time with your family. At most weddings the couple end up feeling guilty if they don't spend enough time with guests who travelled, particularly family. I guess it depends how easy going you sister is

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/10/2014 19:18

You cannot get married before her, you just can't. People who she will have been expecting to attend hers will come to yours and then find they've run out of money or enthusiasm for attending hers.

WooWoo friends is a different thing entirely, a totally different thing.

specialsubject · 20/10/2014 19:19

I agree, how terribly childish. 'waah - you're getting married too. Waah!!'

the travel thing is the only possible real issue, and the consecutive weekend thing is a good idea to solve that.

Momagain1 · 20/10/2014 19:23

Why not get married over the coming holidays, anyone that can travel twice would be more likely to do so then, and it is well out from your sister's wedding, it isnt even her year yet! Your brother's emigration plan is reason enough, nobody needs to know any TTC details. Since you have to keep things on the down low due to his DCs other parent, it seems the whole thing will have to be so low key that your sister really needs to not complain.

Your other option is just before your brother leaves. But coordinate with him, the last couple of weeks before an overseas move can end up very tightly scheduled even before undone things keep coming up and having to be fit in, that includes numbers of people wanting to get together for a meal or a drink (nobody ever wants to help pack or finish DIY before the house is sold!) A month before shouldnt stress him and his DH, giving up an entire weekend day any closer yo the move might be stressful for them. In fact, any family that can travel to your wedding gets the benefit of one last visit with your brother. Factor that in.

minipie · 20/10/2014 19:42

My rational head says nobody can bagsy a year.

My emotional head says that if your sister has planned her wedding for next July, booked everything etc, it's pretty off for you to now decide you're getting married next Easter. Two months before is Not On IMO. Relatives might decide they'll travel for yours but not hers and that would be pretty unfair given she's planned hers for a lot longer.

Two months after would be ok. Why can't you delay your TTCing for a couple of months? I get that your brother's move is not your choice but your TTC plans are. When is your brother moving (if he does)?

I'd aim for an autumn wedding. I don't think you can prioritise "not wanting to get married in a gale" Hmm above your sister being hurt. (By the by, you do realise Easter can be just as wet and windy as autumn right?

Momagain1 · 20/10/2014 19:43

whatever you plan, your sisters invites have to go out first, so she gets dibs on those one time travellers!

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