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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry in the same year as my sister?

259 replies

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:32

My sister is getting married July next year. The venue is booked etc.

My partner and I have discussed marriage at length and next year would be ideal for us. We plan to ttc our next child from the summer so the year after would be out due to hopefully a pregnancy/newborn.

My sister originally said its fine but has now said she's worried that family from Ireland will only go to one of they're close together, also that my dad might pay less towards her wedding of I were to get married too. Our parents (both remarried) will help financially, they have done so for our brother, my dad is just notoriously tight!

My brother is hoping to emigrate to oz next year with his children.

Would I be unreasonable to also marry next year? I obviously would make my wedding as far from hers as possible date wise.

OP posts:
BookFairy · 21/10/2014 10:01

My family would definitely travel for a family wedding in March and another in July. As another poster said earlier "it's a wedding day not a wedding year".

NewEraNewMindset · 21/10/2014 10:02

What is wrong with August btw? You can get lovely weather in August, the kind of weather that won't mess you hair up Smile

BorisBaby · 21/10/2014 10:04

When me and DH got married I suggested my Dsis and BIL that we could have a double wedding, They've been engaged forever and I wouldn't have minded one bit if the "stole our thunder".

BIL is planning a surprise wedding next year for them or they'll never get married! Dsis will love it BTW Grin

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 10:05

Nancy ....well exactly.

Your parents would be so upset if you didn't have a church wedding for them to pay for?

I don't get that ....I don't mean to be rude but your hardly the blushing bride ....are you very religious is that why it has to be a church.....

I'm quite confused to be honest

MsMsMsNOTMRS · 21/10/2014 10:09

Doesn't matter what we think is reasonable. If you want a good relationship with your sister, sit down and talk to her and encourage her to talk honestly, not just give you the right answer.

A Wedding day is just a day - but your relationship with your sister lasts until both of you are gone.

diddl · 21/10/2014 10:30

you want to marry before TTC.

But you don't plan to ttc until late next year?

So there really is no rush to marry before your sister imo.

Two or three months after would suely be fine?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/10/2014 10:45

Ah but diddl it might be windy 2 or 3 months after and mess up OP's hair (its never windy at Easter, ever). Also OP argues that her grandparents can travel in spring rain, but not autumn rain. They will not come to her wedding 3 months after her sister's as that is too close together, but would go to her sister's 3 months after hers, if she goes first...

diddl · 21/10/2014 10:48

Silly me trying to apply logicGrin

coasttocoast · 21/10/2014 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BookABooSue · 21/10/2014 11:06

It sounds as though you've decided and you're trying out reasons to justify your choice. You don't need to justify your choice.

You just have to put on your big girl pants and tell your mum and sister that you're getting married first (despite not having married prior to now, and despite not having felt the need to marry before having your other dc) and ultimately that getting married first is more important to you than hurting their feelings.

tbh if a percentage of random strangers on the internet think you're offering a variety of excuses (rather than reasons) for your decision, and think you're being unfair to your sister then it's likely that at least some of your family will feel the same way about it. They're entitled to feel like that. You're entitled to get married when and how you like. You're not entitled to tell everyone how they should feel about it or to pretend you didn't know it was important to your sister when your mum has already told you it is.

I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/10/2014 11:08

Coast I haven't been proposed to, but I've been married nearly 11 years :o

They've decided to get married and booked the venue 5 months ago. For some reason they want to do a ridiculous big "event" proposal, but they have decided to get married andbooked a venue, so the proposal is just a stunt, or a short to tell... Its a red herring, surely - agreement to marry on X date, which other people know about, and booked venue are the point!

AliceLidaaagggghhhhhl · 21/10/2014 11:22

Other people don't seem to know about the sisters wedding though.

The OP's sister told her parents only.

The OP didn't even know the sister had booked her wedding until after she spoke to her mother and said that she was thinking of marrying next year.

That's when she was first told about the sister's plans and found out a wedding was booked.

So far it seems like only the sister and her fiancé, the OP"s parents and now the OP have been told. No guests have been invited, nobody knows about the July wedding, because they are waiting for the 'big proposal' which hasn't yet materialised. The sisters partner said he was going to propose this year but we are ten months in and he still hasn't, so it was reasonable for the OP to think that her sister's wedding wouldn't be happening any time soon.

It was only when the OP told her family that she and her DP had decided to get married and were thinking of Easter that they were told there's a secret wedding already booked which apparently writes off the entire year of 2015 for her and her DP's wedding.

And if the sister doesn't announce her wedding soon she might find out that her guests have already booked holidays or accepted other invitations that have nothing to do with the OP.

I don't think it's fair that the OP has to put her plans on hold or change them significantly to fit in with all this secrecy just because the sister and her partner want to make some big production out of the proposal and surprise wedding and ensure they get the most money they can out of the OP's father (which is a concern the sister raised, not one the OP has said she is concerned about for herself).

guitarosauras · 21/10/2014 11:28

Can you not just have a conversation with your sister about it instead of guessing her reaction???

Would that not make perfect sense?

squoosh · 21/10/2014 11:30

Quite!

Talk to your sister, have a conversation, see how she feels.

KatelynB · 21/10/2014 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 12:12

It may be outdated but it's the way our parents wish to do things and also without their help our wedding couldn't take place and my sisters would have to downscale dramatically. Hers really will be a classy affair. I don't have my own home, I rent, we're both employed but money is tight. My sister lives at home currently.

My grandparents are coming over next week for my son's christening and to see an ill relative, they don't like to travel in bad weather. That's not an excuse, it's a fact. If it were any later they wouldn't have come.

Easter holiday suggestion was only due to costing less and agreeing with the school timetable. Any other school holiday I understand may be too close before. We can do after, I'm currently texting my sister to see what she would see as a reasonable time after. She says she understands with our brother leaving that I would want it next year.

I have no issue having children out of wedlock, I'm not super strict, though I do believe in marriage and it is important to us.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 21/10/2014 12:14

fifi could you get married at the end of this year?
This way you get married on a different year to your sister.

Do you really need ALL your family there surely as long as parents, siblings and grandparents can make it that's the most important thing?
If you really want to get married without skipping in front of your DS then your going to have to compromise somewhere.

Small venues will likely still have rooms avalible, florist and photographers will usually have space in their diaries at this time of year.
You will need to buy a ready made dress.
Speak to your priest/Vicar and find out when the church is free.
You will be suprised how fast you can pull a wedding together outside the usual wedding season.

The not wanting to have a baby at the wedding is a bit silly when all your family know he's both of yours!

MsCoconut · 21/10/2014 12:14

Did you not know about your ds's wedding and engagement until you told your mom you were planning on getting married? I may be reading more into it than there is but I am imagining a conversation like this:

OP: hi mom! I have some big exciting news. DP and I have decided to tie the knot. We are thinking about having a church wedding next Easter. How does that sound to you?

[dead silence]

Mother dearest: ah, well, umm, that could work but, hmm, I really shouldn't be telling you this, but six months ago your sister booked a wedding for her and her partner next summer, and well, I know they are not engaged yet, but it would be hard on your grandparents to travel twice in one year, so yeah maybe, um, you shouldn't get married next year.

If this conversation or one similar happened, then maybe I am hard hearted, but I think you are well within your right to go ahead and book the wedding for next Easter. Having been told weddings were booked only to have then had them cancelled due to various reasons in the past before invitation cards went out, I'm also imagining how unhappy it would be you putting your plans on hold for either your sister or her DP to get cold feet and cancel before announcing officially the wedding was going ahead!

MaidOfStars · 21/10/2014 12:15

OP, thinking about your plans, I wonder if this time next year would be a great time to get married. Clearly, it could include your grandparents as they are willing to travel towards the end of October.

If you are having a small do on a budget, a cosy reception room with lots of candles and tealights, roaring fireplace, delicious warming food, would be wonderful.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/10/2014 12:22

When does your DBro leave the country? That to me seems perhaps the more important question in all of this. If you booked your wedding for Oct 2015 could he ensure he didn't leave until after that?

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 12:30

Brother needs to be gone by November I think.

October is doable, I would have preferred a warmer month obviously as it won't be in one place there is the risk of hair/make up/ dress messing up.

I will be getting a cheap dress regardless of when it is! The only family coming is siblings, parents and grandparents, the grandparents wouldn't be able to come later this year.

I don't have an issue with s newborn being at the wedding other than I don't particularly want to get my coins out for a feed mid service etc. I think that's a normal thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 12:31

Coins= boobs. Stupid phone

OP posts:
Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 12:35

mscoconut that's pretty much what happened! My sister then confirmed to me yesterday it was booked. She wasn't gutted but was a bit anxious of our plans. Today she had chilled out a bit more again. Her DP has been promising the proposal for months, now that it is apparently imminent she felt like she was losing something. We can hold off with announcements etc, that's no big deal.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 21/10/2014 12:37

October is doable, I would have preferred a warmer month obviously as it won't be in one place there is the risk of hair/make up/ dress messing up

But you're trying to justify March. You don't seriously view March as reliably better weather than October, do you? The average max and min temps in October are much higher.

Essexgirlupnorth · 21/10/2014 12:38

Nope I got married the same year as my sister 6 months apart. They got engaged a year before we did (she is my younger sister) but booked their wedding for 3 years time. When we got engaged thought it would be too much of a rush to get married the next year and didn't want to wait three years so ended up getting married in the September after my sister was married in the march. We have a really small family and most of them didn't bother anyway Hmm
If it's what you want and your sister won't be too upset then go for it.