Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry in the same year as my sister?

259 replies

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:32

My sister is getting married July next year. The venue is booked etc.

My partner and I have discussed marriage at length and next year would be ideal for us. We plan to ttc our next child from the summer so the year after would be out due to hopefully a pregnancy/newborn.

My sister originally said its fine but has now said she's worried that family from Ireland will only go to one of they're close together, also that my dad might pay less towards her wedding of I were to get married too. Our parents (both remarried) will help financially, they have done so for our brother, my dad is just notoriously tight!

My brother is hoping to emigrate to oz next year with his children.

Would I be unreasonable to also marry next year? I obviously would make my wedding as far from hers as possible date wise.

OP posts:
amyhamster · 20/10/2014 17:34

I think it's fine although I'd do it ASAP in the new year maybe
Or a December wedding

TheWitTank · 20/10/2014 17:38

I don't think I would. Your sister has hers all booked so it's not like she can easily change and she has got a point with the family travelling.

DrSethHazlittMD · 20/10/2014 17:38

I can understand your sister's concerns.

Is there a real need for you to marry next year? I notice you already have at least one child together, so why do you need to marry before your next one?

If you do get married next year, I absolutely would NOT get married BEFORE your sister's wedding. That would be extremely bad form and steal her thunder.

Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:46

My first child isn't his although is raised as such. He can obtain PR once we're married.

His child's mum is going to change her surname to hyphen their surnames. Luckily we have the same maiden name so will all change to the hyphenated form after we're married.

The eldest starts school next September so it would have been good to go in with his new name as opposed to change once he already has friends.

Quite frankly we love each other and want to make this declaration before all and sundry!

As I said if it's not next year, my brother, wife and children won't be able to attend.

OP posts:
Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:48

It's not a case of we want to be married before the next child, we want to get married and we want another child, it just trying to get them both in!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 20/10/2014 17:50

Sounds as if she's worried family won't travel for both....I can see her point....

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 20/10/2014 17:51

I don't think one person can bagsy a whole year!! Of course you can get married next year. But be prepared for some of the family not making it and for some of the other consequences.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/10/2014 17:54

I was faced with this dilemma, my older DSis had a wedding booked for the following July when I got engaged in October, I waited until the following February.

Charitybelle · 20/10/2014 17:55

Yeah, do it. I got married same year as my sis, hers was planned ages, mine was last minute. We also wanted to have dc straight away, so didn't want to wait. My sis was fine with it, but we did get married after her (v impt I think), and I was fine with the fact that a lot of my family couldn't travel to my wedding as they'd already shelled out for travel to hers. I think as long as you accept hers should take precedence re: relatives attending, money from dps etc, then YANBU.
If however, you want to compete for any of those things, or your wedding will 'take away' or diminish her celebration in any way, then YABU.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/10/2014 18:00

I would do.it the same year but after hers. Itd be a bit shit if the family travelled.over for yours and then couldnt come for hers. You may need to accept that family might not travel.over for yours.

DoughnutSelfie · 20/10/2014 18:01

I am sure all will be fine if you wed in the same year

Don't scoot in front of your sister's wedding date though

OhFrabjousDay · 20/10/2014 18:01

Do you want the big wedding or do you just want to be married? You could just have a small wedding that doesn't involve extended family travelling? I understand if you want a big wedding, but it should be easy enough to have a small do without treading on any toes.

BookABooSue · 20/10/2014 18:04

It's not really unreasonable but it seems a bit mean.

Your DSIS has already booked her wedding and for no reason it seems like you're trying to steal her thunder. Plus you are putting relatives into a position where they will have to choose between you both if they can only afford to travel to one, and that's not very pleasant for them either.

If it could be avoided (and it obviously can be) and I liked my DSIS then I wouldn't get married in the same year as her. It sounds as though she felt she had to agree when you first asked her and she's now told you that she's unhappy about it. I'd pick a different year.

Teeb · 20/10/2014 18:06

I think if you were to have a smaller wedding after hers that would be okay, I'd also try not to plan too much while her wedding plans are active.

Allthefours · 20/10/2014 18:07

I don't suppose it should make any difference whether you get married in the same year or not. My sister got engaged oct 2012, my SIL got engaged sept 2012 and I got engaged in sept 2012 (but we didn't announce it til not 2012 a lack of ring!!). So in theory I was last to be engaged. SIL set her date very quickly for June 2014, when choosing a date for our wedding we didn't want to be too close to SIL, but did choose to get married before her and went for April 2014. My sister got married July 2014, all 3 weddings were very different and I didn't think that anyone stole anyone else's Thunder particularly.

AliceLidl · 20/10/2014 18:08

Could you possibly have a small ceremony at the time you want it and then a big party/blessing type thing later on with the wider family?

Then say you don't expect everybody to travel twice so close together so they are welcome to the small ceremony if they wish but you understand if they want to wait until the bigger party at a later date.

Your brother could be at your actual wedding then, even if he went on to miss the big party.

Bowlersarm · 20/10/2014 18:10

It's a bit mean. Only reasonable if you get married much later on in the year.

I can understand her worrying about it.

Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:16

It would have to be next year if my brother and his family could come at all. So there is a reason it really does need to be next year.

We'd have to wait til 2017 if not next year and in all honesty with my grandparents health I'm not sure they'd all be around.

The budget she's set herself is twice ours, they won't be similar in occasion. Ours will be church and reception, hers country house.

I know my mum will pay out twice, I've already spoken to her and there aren't any money issues in my family at all (except me!).

OP posts:
Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:19

Getting married then having the reception months later sounds very bizarre!

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 20/10/2014 18:19

It is a wedding day not a wedding year.

merrymouse · 20/10/2014 18:21

No YANBU. The point of getting married is to get married, not to spend or receive X amount of money.

Original poster
fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:21

Oh a lot of family are teachers so we'd have to bear that in mind when booking a date as we'll only be able to marry on a Sunday as DPs ex won't change days for our wedding. In fact we can't even tell her as Their daughter would suddenly be 'ill' that day. Long and complicated backstory to that one.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 20/10/2014 18:24

I don't see why its mean at all, how precious. I agree don't marry before her but there so no reason for you not to get married too.
Especially since your DB and family would be unable to attend if its held any later.

AliceLidl · 20/10/2014 18:25

I should say, DH and I met and married very quickly, was about seven months from meeting him to marrying him.

He is in the armed forces and was being sent away for six months so when we decided to get married we had to either act fast or wait until he got back.

We chose to act fast and that meant we ended up getting married about 2-3 months earlier than his cousin, whose wedding had been planned for well over a year.

I suppose we jumped in without really thinking about them and how they would feel about another big family wedding right before theirs.

DH's brother had married in the September, we then met just before Christmas and married in the July, his cousin's wedding was planned for early October.

So instead of over a year between family weddings, there was ten months between BIL's wedding and ours and then only 2-3 months between ours and DH's cousins wedding.

Luckily, they were very generous about us 'pushing in' and understood that our wedding wasn't in competition with their wedding. We had two very different days and both were lovely.

I think if everyone can remember that it's not about anybody stealing anybody else's thunder then it shouldn't really matter. It would be a shame if the Ireland guests can't travel twice, but more important that your brother gets to attend before he emigrates, as he's unlikely to be able to fly back so soon. The Irish guests have more chance of traveling twice than he will for travelling back once so soon after emigrating.

TheWhispersOfTheGods · 20/10/2014 18:26

I would, in autumn or winter (oct is a great month for weddings, not biased oh no). Yours is smaller, and there are time pressures - you might get to bagsy a month max but not a year! Would you even be inviting all the family if it is smaller? My cousin got engaged after me and asked if i minded her getting married first ( not on the slightest was my answer btw) and her wedding ended up being smaller anyway, amd i think saved her money as people were able to come to mine and still see the family, which worked for everyone involved! Especially if they are different styles of day.

It's lovely going to a wedding after yours anyway, you can appreciate it more!