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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry in the same year as my sister?

259 replies

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:32

My sister is getting married July next year. The venue is booked etc.

My partner and I have discussed marriage at length and next year would be ideal for us. We plan to ttc our next child from the summer so the year after would be out due to hopefully a pregnancy/newborn.

My sister originally said its fine but has now said she's worried that family from Ireland will only go to one of they're close together, also that my dad might pay less towards her wedding of I were to get married too. Our parents (both remarried) will help financially, they have done so for our brother, my dad is just notoriously tight!

My brother is hoping to emigrate to oz next year with his children.

Would I be unreasonable to also marry next year? I obviously would make my wedding as far from hers as possible date wise.

OP posts:
PowderMum · 20/10/2014 19:53

I can't see what's wrong with a wedding in the Easter school holidays. Your sister needs to get over herself.

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/10/2014 20:04

"If I were to do it before, it would be way before and around Easter as the local venues are 15% cheaper on wedding packages. Hers is end of July."

I think if you were to have your wedding anytime in 2015 before your sister's already booked wedding, you would be risking hurting her very much.

If you were to have it not only before her wedding, but also as close to hers as Easter, I think you could pretty much guarantee hurting her very much ... no risk!

Would hurting your sister in that way be acceptable in your family circle? Is that what you want to do?

I think if you are really intent on having your wedding in the same year as your sister, then October should be the earliest you would consider.

WooWooOwl · 20/10/2014 20:07

Ali, yes, friends are different from family. But surely most people love their family as much as they do their friends and want to share in their happy occasions as well.

Two weddings close together does not take anything away from either of them, and unless your family are going to back out of your sisters wedding in favour of yours, there really isn't anything for her to be hurt about.

So just don't invite family unless they have already committed to your sisters wedding.

browneyedgirl86 · 20/10/2014 20:13

Yanbu to marry next year. Although you would b e unreasonable I think to get married before your sister. It will appear you are trying to steal her thunder and will hurt her.

Itsfab · 20/10/2014 20:18

Only read the OP so far as the solution seems obvious to me.

Joint wedding on the same day.

Guests will appreciate only having to make one trip. Won't be double the costs as mostly same guests.

LadyLuck10 · 20/10/2014 20:20

Have it after hers, definitely not before. You would be a truly awful person to have it before given all the complications with your guests and most importantly your sister has planned well in advance.

CallingAllEngels · 20/10/2014 20:24

I really don't see the problem in getting married the same year or before them. We arranged our wedding in a very short period of time. You can't put your life on hold for other people. And delaying wedding and holding off ttc so you don't upset your sister is ridiculous.

guitarosauras · 20/10/2014 20:31

I find all the talk of the parents paying very odd. I know it's tradition but would you honestly let your parents pay for your wedding?

Frozennortherner · 20/10/2014 20:34

Just from another perspective, my brother had booked June for his wedding ages in advance. Sister booked July of the same year at last minute. As family we were expected to go to both.wiped us out financially that year.

LadyLuck10 · 20/10/2014 20:36

Guitar why do you find that odd? I think it's odd that people find this odd.
If you could do that for your kids why wouldn't you?

Aherdofmims · 20/10/2014 20:38

My cousin got married just after me and it was greats for family travelling as they could do both.

cerealqueen · 20/10/2014 20:39

I wouldn't, you might have the most logical sensible reasons for doing so but when it comes to weddings, logic and sense fly out of the window as soon as the word wedding is uttered. Your sister has mentioned her first worry.Just don't risk it.

FairlyUseless · 20/10/2014 20:44

Just do it after her. Dh were trumped by sil less than 2 weeks before ours and we were engaged and planning it way before. I was a bit Shock but dh was really upset by it.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 20/10/2014 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAMumbutOnMN · 20/10/2014 20:46

I would do whatever u feel most comfortable with. My sister got married in April...when she announced her date I said that we were looking to get married the same year and got married in July and then my DHs sister said she was interested in getting married in the same year and settled on September. We had quite a bit of people travelling so I let my sister contact them 1st so they can plan in advance and settle on hers, and then I contacted people. You have to be ready that not all will be able to travel to both weddings, but if you are OK with that, then go ahead. We really enjoyed planning the weddings together, and had a really great time

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 20/10/2014 20:50

Either do it just after so relatives can stay or do it longer after and expect some relatives can't attend. If you do it a couple of months before in 'cheaper season' you'll find if having to choose between the two weddings most will also probably opt for cheaper travel wise and will go to your but let her down.

YANBU to think no one can bagsie a year but your sister has legitimate concerns and given that her wedding date was decided first, it would be unfair if people then choose yours over hers purely because yours is first or because of costs.

guitarosauras · 20/10/2014 20:50

Ladyluck10- I love that we've confused each other.

I just find it strange when it is expected. I would of course want to pay towards my dcs getting married but I would hate for it to be expected because it is 'tradition'.

I also can not imagine as a thirty something asking my parents to contribute towards my wedding.

I am a soon to be divorcee so could possibly just be bitter Wink.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/10/2014 21:01

This time next year in the October half-term could be lovely, and eminently reasonable I think - and suit all the teachers in the family?

TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire · 20/10/2014 21:04

My god really? You can't get married in 2015, despite wanting to, because your sister is also getting married that year??

Your sister is being ridiculous. It's going to be very different weddings and if anyone has to compromise on overseas guests then yes it would be polite for you to concede that but not get married at all is silly.

Taking about how the sisters dreams of wedding dress shopping and hen nights ruined all because you may also want to do those things seems wholly selfish and slightly superficial. Is your sister one of these types that wants all the fuss on her from the start of 2015 until after the honeymoon?? Hmm

Whyjustwhyagain · 20/10/2014 21:18

My (now) SiL got engaged 3 months after us, & then set her wedding date 8 weeks before mine.
DH & I had planned and booked our wedding before his sister got engaged. She never asked if we minded (yes we did) and I still feel that the only reason she finally got engaged (after dating for about 7 years) was because we did.

DO NOT BE SO SELFISH AS TO GET MARRIED BEFORE YOUR SISTER

Hmm, twenty years on I still feel sad that SiL sneaked in ahead of us

rattlesnakes · 20/10/2014 21:28

whyjust that's madness. I just don't see the problem with booking in a wedding before one that is already known about. It's one day. The only people spending the whole year talking about the bloody thing are the bride and groom. The whole world doesn't stop just because a couple of people decide to get married.
FWIW my sister had been engaged for about 5 years and her wedding was booked 2 years ahead. I met my DH around the time she booked her wedding, we decided to get married, and married in the same year as her, about 6 months earlier.
We wanted to get married, so we did, several months after making the decision. That was just the natural course of our relationship. It never occurred to me that she might mind, and it never occurred to her either!

rattlesnakes · 20/10/2014 21:29

I also wouldn't have been even slightly bothered about any family members nipping in there before me. All this "stealing her thunder" stuff is really childish.

Purpleroxy · 20/10/2014 21:32

Have a small wedding in December.

HappyYoni · 20/10/2014 21:32

You sound like you're desperate to get married before your sister op. Whatever anyone says you keep coming up with reasons why you should have yours first. I agree with other people who have said do it afterwards, if you really want to find a way to make it work getting married after your sister then you will find a way. If you don't you won't.

batgirl1984 · 20/10/2014 21:47

Three of my cousins, who were siblings to each other, all got married in the same year. I attended all three, it was lovely to see so much of my extended family that year. They all have their own lives and it just so happened that they all hit this stage at roughly the same time. I really don't remember anyone thinking that any of the weddings were devalued due to any of the other weddings. More a case of share the joy. Two other cousins who are also siblings (to each other, not to the first lot) got married in the same venue - church, then a venue round the corner. They were marrying different people, had different entertainment and food. Also lovely and neither wedding devalued by the other. Why would your sister be anything other than pleased for you? Oh, your dads money? Has anyone asked him if she's even right about that?

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