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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry in the same year as my sister?

259 replies

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:32

My sister is getting married July next year. The venue is booked etc.

My partner and I have discussed marriage at length and next year would be ideal for us. We plan to ttc our next child from the summer so the year after would be out due to hopefully a pregnancy/newborn.

My sister originally said its fine but has now said she's worried that family from Ireland will only go to one of they're close together, also that my dad might pay less towards her wedding of I were to get married too. Our parents (both remarried) will help financially, they have done so for our brother, my dad is just notoriously tight!

My brother is hoping to emigrate to oz next year with his children.

Would I be unreasonable to also marry next year? I obviously would make my wedding as far from hers as possible date wise.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/10/2014 08:20

I can't get over you putting that your dad is "tight".

He helped with your brother's wedding & will help with yours & your sisters!

How desperate are either of you to have relatives from Ireland there?

I mean is that the only sticking point, that they might struggle to come to both?

MaidOfStars · 21/10/2014 08:27

As long as they don't book the wedding for the same day I don't understand the problem?

Certain details may be dramatised
Girl gets engaged, feels all like a pirincess. Starts to plan wedding, finds dream venue, spends days doodling invitation wording, cries when she finds a dress, daydreams about grand halls and excited chatter and bringing family together and all her loved ones beaming on as she says I Do.

Sister announces that she's also decided to get married. Before her. And that some of her guests may now not come because they will already be attending sister's wedding, and can't afford two visits. And that it will actually be her, the sister, who gets to bring family together first, who gets to set the standard, whose dress/food/service/entertainment will be compared to.

You may not think it matters, you may actually believe anyone who thinks it matters is a twat. But that doesn't matter to the OP's sister - they are her feelings and you don't get to dictate. This is not a time for 'I'm sorry you feel that way but....'.

MaidOfStars · 21/10/2014 08:34

I would add that I don't see that anyone here has seen a problem with the OP marrying after her sister. That isn't what the OP's planning, of course - she's already looking at Easter prices, conceiving in the summer, and getting her child off to school in September with a new surname. And has studiously elected not to answer questions about whether she's planning on scooping her sister....

This means she's aiming to do it first. This is what most people are objecting to. To suggest that means they are opposed to the wedding happening at all in the same year is a straw man.

thegreylady · 21/10/2014 08:35

Are you sure a double wedding isn't possible? If not then I would have yours in May or October. Remember, it is the marriage not the wedding that is important.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 08:41

You seem to have mapped out a small window to get in first anyway....cheaper prices....not wanting to Marry in the winter incase there's a gale and you don't look as good....Hmm

Sounds as if you have ttc all very mapped out with timescales....

If getting married is the most important thing weather wouldn't really figure.

Patienceisapparentlyavirtue · 21/10/2014 08:57

It's a sister thing. Unless you are remarkably uncompetitive, marrying before her will feel like a slight, especially if she's planning a big thing and now family won't visit.

I think weekend after sounds very sensible, as lots of people have suggested here, or a romantic winter wedding.

What does your mum say? She might have a good sensible view on the sibling rivalry vs practicality issue here.

Maryz · 21/10/2014 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 09:02

Sorry I was out last night with FMIL for her birthday.

Sister is very laid back, we get on fine, her DP will be our sons godfather in 2 weeks, all nice and friendly.

If we went for Easter holidays the weddings would be 4 months apart so enough time between that our grandparents could travel for both (Irish), money wise they can go to both, it may just be too much for them to do all the travelling if they were close together. As I mentioned before it's also 15% cheaper in the first three months of the year and money is a factor.

Only my mum/stepdad, sister/partner and now me and DP know they're getting married. It's s bit of a weird one. Her DP said he was going to propose this year but hasn't so far. We started talking about us doing so, asked sister if she minded to which she said no, then a couple of days later said actually we booked the wedding back in May. No one apart from the people mentioned knows this. He still wants to do a 'proper' proposal and she is waiting for him to do so, then it will become public. Told you it was strange!

DP won't get automatic PR but once we're married he can apply for it, not sure if we're going that route or formal adoption, (bio dad has agreed to both).

I promise you my dad is tight. He cooks pasta by boiling the kettle and leaving it to sit in the water for donkeys so as not to use extra gas! He has plenty of money set aside, I know he's want to contribute and would prob double his part if it meant he didn't have to do a speech!

My brother has 11 months to move over from when he gets his visa.

OP posts:
parakeet · 21/10/2014 09:05

SOLUTION: Get married this year.

It can be done - as long as you don't go all Bridezilla about it. I organised my wedding within two months

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/10/2014 09:14

I was in the same situation and decided to wait til after my sister - though only a couple of months after (we had a much smaller, lower key wedding and there was no duplication of guests except my parents and siblings) she'd been planning for 2 years, DH and I just decided one evening we wanted to get married and would have been happy to do it the next day at a registery office if that had been legally possible and not inevitably likely to lead my mother to lay on the "hurt" weepy act for ever more...

If its a big deal to your sister you would be mean - and look mean to all the guests who presumably already know your sister's plans - to get married before her without a much better reason than theoretical plans for when to ttc! Unless your DP is about to go off to war or you are pregnant and for old fashioned reasons feel compelled to get married before an already conceived baby is born, you don't really have an excuse!

If you want the big, fancy, expensive wedding with all your distant friends and relations I guess you have to wait a year, or have a smaller wedding at the end of summer and accept that the more distant relatives won't be able to come.

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 09:15

Marriage is very important to us. We are both Christian and like many others have made mistakes in the past and want to be an official family unit in the eyes of God and legally too.

Just because the marriage is the more important aspect doesn't mean we want a shit day though! We only want to do this once and we want to do it properly, just on a budget. March was due to being cheaper and 4 months ahead of hers. I don't think she'd be happy with August even if we took the hit with my grandparents not coming. October half term runs into November which is tight with my brothers emigrating plans. So sue me but yes it is cold, wet and rainy at the end of the year so it wouldn't be my ideal time anyway! That said if it were the only option we'd have to take it, it just wouldn't be my preference.

My mum said not close together, then said sister did have reservations and to do another year.... Which would mean brother couldn't attend so I don't thinkshe's thought it through.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 21/10/2014 09:18

So you'd already made up your mind about scooping her before you trued to what? garner sympathy for an unreasonable sister banning you from anytime in the year? which isn't true, is it?

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 09:19

This year would mean grandparents def can't come unfortunately. They don't like to travel in bad weather so have already vetoed Christmas this year. (They normally come over). Plus our parents might wish a bit more warning if they are going to contribute.

As I posted just a bit ago, no one except the couple, my mum and step dad and now us know she's getting married next year!

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/10/2014 09:19

Cross posted about guests knowing the plans - but your immediate family do.

Have a smaller wedding in October half term - smaller wedding is cheaper, money factor is sorted.

petswinprizes · 21/10/2014 09:21

Oh bloody hell, just when did weddings become so bloody precious? Just get married - you want to - she wants to, just do it. It's really not that difficult, it's one day. Pick one. Really no need for all of the silly angst on this thread!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/10/2014 09:25

Pets some people have been angsty about weddings since time immemorial, not everyone, but some people.

Lots of families didn't used to let a younger sister marry until the older sisters, in age order, were married - its one of the reasons my paternal grandparents married in their late 30s though they had been "courting" (my grandmother would be 104 if she were alive) for 20 years!

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 09:25

I'm not sure when would be acceptable with her tbh. Obviously not right before. I don't know if Easter (4 months earlier) would be a no go. I don't know if August would be too soon after. October/November may be too late for my brother and family. It's all a bit of a mess.

I'm not the type of person that feels the need to trump others, I have no intention of scooping her day or whatever. A joint wedding would def be out of the question! We just want to get married.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 09:28

Then just do it....

All this intense planning sounds tiresome before it even gets started....if you are expecting family to pay though they may be all spent out for next year....

Maryz · 21/10/2014 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 09:30

You really actually don't sound like you 'just want to get married' at all

diddl · 21/10/2014 09:31

If you just want to get married then do so.

sounds as if you want a wedding though, otherwise why all the angst?

LittleBairn · 21/10/2014 09:31

fifi I had a small wedding during the Winter arranged within 4 months it was brilliant and every bit as meaningful and beautiful as large fancy wedding that took months.
If you are planning to marry outside of Summer months you will find there is a lot more availability and people like photographes charge less.

I wonder what people of our grandparents age would think to this attitude of having their own wedding year. Pretty much all couples got married, my granny said in her late teens and early twenties all they ever did was go to weddings.

Her DP hasn't even proposed yet!

Original poster
fifi669 · 21/10/2014 09:31

My sister is younger, gorgeous and a size 8 with a huge budget. I'm older, had two children (and you can tell), and a size 18 with a very small one. I couldn't upstage her even if the pope came to bless us himself!

OP posts:
AliceLidaaagggghhhhhl · 21/10/2014 09:32

Do March (although be aware, my DS's birthday is March and he hasn't had a party yet that hasn't taken place in gale force winds, so you're not guaranteed better weather at easter).

It's clearly what you want and when you want it to be.

Your sister's currently secret wedding can't take precedence over yours if nobody even knows about it.

They may be worried that their 'big proposal' will now look like them jumping on your bandwagon but to be honest if they've had a wedding booked since May and kept it secret because they want to do a 'proper' proposal, but still haven't managed to do that by October, they can't really complain.

What do they mean by 'proper' anyway? Are they planing some big public thing that makes a better story than the real conversation and decision to book the wedding?

When you started talking about booking your own wedding, you didn't even know about theirs, and nobody else knows even now.

I think you should just do yours as you want it now.

DaisyFlowerChain · 21/10/2014 09:32

"We just want to get married"

Then pop down to the registry office and do it. It does sound like you want to ensure she doesn't get any spotlight and you want to get in first. If you just truly want to get married, then it takes minutes to book and an hour or so to actually do it.