to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

Tell your DH the conversation with his mother won;t be anything like as hard as the conversation he'll be having with DD in a few years if he lets it continue...

"why did you let Grandma treat me like that when it hurts my feeling Daddy? Didn't care enough?"

Mnhq - MrsDeVere's post is the reason we need a "like" button

Four years I have been in mumsnet, and never have I come across someone who manages to blend such an unless any view with such astonishing stupidity, as unicycle. When you peel away the frankly sickening comments she makes, there lies the bones of her arguments... Utterly Illogical and daft.

Awesome post Mrs d

In total awe of Mrs DV now. Its important that we don't let idiots like Unicycle think they are brave, or even worth listening to. he or she is obviously getting off on our reactions.

The OP is riveting enough, desperately want to know that she managed to get the bitch up against the wall sort it all out. But frankly compared to our ickle brave pal Uni, MiL is the Fairy Queene.

I totally agree MrsD, you found the words I could not. I am not an adopter or an adopted child so no experience, but you are, and you said things through the eyes of an adopter.

I bet Unicycle is just shit stirring, if she is, that is really nasty.

hope you get things sorted op and this get nipped in the bud

OP - you sound like a wonderful mum, and both your DC are lucky to have you.

Oh dear, it doesn't look good does it. The judgemental person in me would say she is singling your dd out, actions confirm that

What a horrid woman

Yes to pinning her up against a wall please

Unicycle you use words like control and selfish — both words immediately came to my mind about the kind of person you must be when I first read your first post. You must be a hell of a selfish, inhumane and miserable person to be around.

The majority of the posts on this thread show everyday humanity and empathy for the situation — notions that are clearly not part of your psyche.

Yes I advocate pinning Unicycle against a wall too

Your DH should be absolutely ashamed of himself.

Good dad? No, it's not enough to be a great dad if when the going gets tough, when he has to REALLY do something he doesn't like for his child's sake - he wimps out.

Good dad? No, only playing at being one.

Not good enough for any child.
Not good enough for your DD.
Not even good enough for your MIL - who, by the sound of it, is not all bad, and needs pulling up straight for the sake of her own relationship with her granddaughter.

He should be the one to step in here, I'm sure you're right and he won't - more fool him. It's not easy to get respect back when it's been lost.

There will be many more challenges in parenting than this, is he really not up to it?

Shame on him.

can't say I considered anyone else's responses when I decided to have either of my sons, nor the baby I'm gestating. except their fathers. Don't see why adopting should mean anyone else's views matter either.

good luck, OP. Hope your husband finds his backbone and stands up to his mother, or that it goes well when you do it.

Mrs DV, that is a great post.

Unicycle - however you try to dress it up, you are defending a position whereby a child is punished because an adult disagrees with decisions made by its parents.

I agee Castle, being a parents is also about the bad bits too. He should be addressing this with his mum and ejecting his anger towards her, not op!

OK, just back from the party. MIL gave ds €40 - no card, just the money. It's confusing though. She seemed delighted to see dd. As soon as we arrived, she took her out onto the dance floor and danced away with her and dd loved every bit of it.

I'll hopefully see them in person before they fly back so I'll get my chance to say it then.

How odd. Do you think DH had a word after all?

She's an odd one isn;t she

Would casual passive aggressive work better?

"You know MIL, DD is too young to notice that you give DS more than her. But she will notice soon and she's loves you so much I wouldn't want you to look bad in her eyes"

Tread I think it was the DS that was given the €40, not the OP's DD.

She's definitely an odd one! Good luck with 'having a word'!

Sorry, but she's adopted. There's your reason.

DH is adopted, and while you cannot force someone to love your child, you can certainly cut those types of people out of your child's life. There was "family" that was against DH because he is not white, they were cut from his life and not allowed near him, as they should be.

She doesn't have to love the child, but she damn well better treat her the same as all the others. Singling a child out like that is shitty behavior. It's not about the gift it's about the message that "You're less important than the rest".

Uni, I sincerely hope you are using an effective form of birth control.

Wtaf?

Is there any reason to believe that mil has, perhaps, lost a few marbles?

Or is it possible that she didn't want to make it seem like the €40 was a birthday present for ds? Hence the lack of card?

Utterly bizarre

Gah, reading iPhone with no glasses on always goes well.
OP, I'd be livid, absolutely livid. Not unusual for older children to be given a bit more cash but there is a v clear lack of effort despite a good personal relationship