to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

Sidelining somewhat.
StillSquirrelling
My PILS treated their two DSs very differently. My own DPs used to comment that they wondered if DH was really theirs or if as a child he just showed up at their house uninvited and never left. Yes, it was that obvious.

I was going to say that sometimes you hear of MILs who treat the children of their daughters differently from DILs and their offspring. No excuse but it's sometimes a pattern.
Likewise there are still some bigoted people who are not welcoming towards family members who might be from a different race or social background. They fail to understand the impact that their behaviour has, not only on its recipient but also the wider family and would probably seek to justify it someway.

What seems at odds here is that MIL appears to love DD, but doesn't treat her fairly.
If it was the case that she doesn't know what to buy or doesn't think DD needs any more toys etc. then she could still gift her some money to save for when she does want something.

Whilst I realise everyone is entitled to their opinion I do think that unicycle is being offensive and unhelpful. Plus attention seeking.

I don't think any further posts by UC should even be discussed or responded to as a legitimate part of this thread.

My comments have been general comments about people in similar situations to the OP, not directed at the OP per se, though I don't think that makes much difference.

Regarding the presents, I don't see the big deal. One option is to have a frank discussion with the MIL explaining that you can't control how she feels about your child or how she spends her money but she must understand that it would be detrimental to family relationships for there to be a great disparity in the gifts between children. Ask to receive the gifts in advance so you can make arrangements for appropriate additions/replacements if necessary. This is appropriate if the relationship with the MIL is generally a good one and especially if the relationship with the older children is good and you would like it to continue.

If the relationship is strained then explain that you feel it would be best to accept no gifts for any of the children though cards would be appreciated. I would only be considering restricting contact for more general behavioural issues that trouble me and cannot be resolved despite concerted efforts at least on my part. Unless I was already itching to get rid of the MIL.

Many people have children because it is what is expected of them, but for those who choose to do so, it is a selfish act. It's done for the good of the people having the child, not the benefit of the world at large. And adoption is often no different. It may pain people to hear, but it is true that the majority of children are not adopted primarily because their parents wanted to do some good and give a child a home, but because their parents couldn't have a biological child. That they are giving a child a loving home is by the by.

I am aware that by my comments I am breaking some modern taboos but frankly I think people need to be honest to be able to properly address the issues. Recognising the problems before the decision is made to adopt means people can consider whether and how they can be overcome, headed off or alleviated.

Unicycle, you're generalising wildly and IMO, talking bullshit in the name of honesty. My son was rejected by his birth mother very young. If I hadn't taken him he would have gone into care. He's already had the experience of being rejected by someone who should have loved him and didn't. I expect my family to treat him as my other boys are treated, and if they don't they can fuck off. He's my boy, same as the OP's DD is her girl, and her husband's girl, and her MIL's granddaughter, and the MIL has no right to draw distinctions.

I am aware that by my comments I am breaking some modern taboos

I don't think you're breaking any taboos.
I just don't think many people in civilised society hold the same views as you.

god unicycle .you are either childless .a bloody awfull mother or mentally unstable .can,t actually make up my mind .

You cannot allow this to go unchallenged any longer. Please do not put it off to see what happens at Christmas. You already know what is happening and you need to nip it in the bud.

If your DH won't say anything you need to tell him that you will do it for him and you fully expect him to back you up when you do.

One of you needs to warn your MIL that you won't be allowing your DS to accept any gifts from her for his birthday as you cannot allow her to discriminate between your children. If you do it before the day, she can make sure she has a similar gift for your DD.

So you say "I just want to check before DS's birthday that you won't be giving him a gift so that I can let him know in advance." If she says that she will, say "I assumed that, as you haven't been giving DD birthday gifts, this was something you had stopped. Do you have a gift for DD then? If not, I'm afraid DS won't be permitted to accept one from you."

If your DH isn't brave enough to do this, you need find guts to do it yourself. The longer she is allowed to discriminate, the harder it will be to stop it and the more hurt your DD will be when she eventually realises.

You can do this because your DD really needs you to. If you chicken out, your DD will be very hurt in the future.

As for your DH's comments about not causing bad feeling - you aren't the one doing that. His mother is and she needs to be stopped.

unicycle yes you have said some valid points, but which have been ruined by your horrid attitude towards adoption. Yes like most people, people adopt for a number of reasons, not just one. It may because they cannot have a biological child, but in the same vein it might be because they want to give a child in care system a loving home, and yes that is what they are giving to these children, whether you agree or not. Not all couples who cannot have children go onto adopt, so your theory is pointless.

You have insulted those who have been adopted, those who are adopters. What would you prefer, that children remain in the care system until they are adults! How cruel, if a child can be adopted than it is far better.

You need to just have a calm conversation with her. Some older generations are funny about things like this and just see it in a different way from us. She really may mean no harm or have really thought about it - have the conversation and give her a chance to see the light and put things right. You say she seemed happy about the adoption and is lovely to your daughter apart from this when she does see her - so I wonder if this is more a weird not thought about generation thing. Just speak to her, not easy bit you know it has to be done. Hope it all works out.

As an adoptee, I've been reading (& posted once on) this thread with sympathy for OP and interest to see how it turns out with MiL. OP, I wish you well and hope for the best for your DD.

But at this point I must bow out. Unicycle's posts are just too painful to read. I know that it's ignorance, arrogance, or some internal pain or perceived 'injustice' on his/her part, but it's just too much. To insult and cause pain in the guise of 'personal opinion' is, well, I don't really have words. But I can't deal with those posts without becoming angry and upset. Before long, I'd probably say something that I would regret.

Unicycle, I don't know if you have an adopted relative whom you resent because you think that they were treated better than you, a 'blood' relative, or if you yourself for some reason are treating an adopted relative (or perhaps a step-relative?) differently and are just trying to justify yourself, but I feel very sorry for you. Anyone with such a bitter heart is to be pitied.

Completely agree with Goldmantra

Just to add though, this may well create a great deal of bad feeling with your DS. I grew up as the "favoured grandchild" over my sister (there were only the two of us on either side of the family). My sister is a far better person than me in every way, shape and form, yet my dad's mother treated her like shit because she looks like mum's side of the family.

I never forgave my grandmother for that, and I still feel immense guilt hat my sister was treated like a second class citizen.

I agree with Goldmandra too.
As for your DH's comments about not causing bad feeling - you aren't the one doing that. His mother is and she needs to be stopped

Acrossthepond you may not read this for the obvious reasons, but to counteract the painful comments can I say that IMO, which I share with my adopted friend, most of us love and cherish our pot-luck children that we conceive, adopted children are chosen for who they actually are

After reading all your posts last night, I tried to have a discussion with dh about it. He got really angry when I said that if he doesn't undertake to talk to his mother, that I will. He said words to the effect of 'it's my family, let me deal with them' at which point I said that no, in fact dd is MY family so I won't allow it to be swept under the carpet and it needs to be said out loud. Anyway, he got madder and madder (as he always does when challenged about something) and it didn't help that I told him he's a coward and is afraid of his mother. He said he will say it but in his own time. So I said if he doesn't do it before they go home, then I will.

So it'll be me, I've no doubt. I'll say it nicely. I have no desire to upset anyone or make an unpleasant atmosphere but I just can't leave it go. I loved the way Devora phrased it upthread. I don't really do passive aggressive but get emotional in difficult conversations unless I have rehearsed what I need to say so I'll have it practised and say it without getting upset. It may well (and I still hope) have nothing to do with the fact that dd was adopted and be just her general tightness but as Devora said, it's more important for dd to have no reason to feel that she is anything but the same as all the grandchildren on dh's side of the family.

I have to say, to be fair to MIL, that she was lovely with DD on Sunday and played with her etc. DD was very happy in her company and gave her a big hug on departure which she doesn't do for everyone. Of course there was the comment 'She's getting very pretty' to which I immediately answered, 'She's ALWAYS been very pretty' (In hindsight she possibly wasn't very 'pretty' when she came first because she was quite undernourished looking but we thought she was the most beautiful girl toddler ever!) because the comment was made with dd sitting beside her on the couch. They're the kind of comments that always make me bristle, probably unreasonably. My parents in comparison think there's never been another child like dd. When I talk to my mam about my concerns about her speech, she won't entertain that she could possibly be 'behind' in anything.

Unicycle, I don't know what to say. One point you made I can agree with. We absolutely adopted dd to fulfill our own desires to have a second child, not to 'do good,' just as we had ds biologically because we wanted a child and not because we thought the world needed another baby. That's what make the human race go forward, it's a natural desire felt by most. Neither of our children will ever have to be grateful to us for doing a good thing. Whether dd was born to us or born to another mother in another country is 100% irrelevant to her place in our family. And shouldn't be for anyone else. I almost feel protective of MIL now in case people think she's as unfeeling as you.

Perhaps your DH needs to hear that one of the commitments you make when you become a parent is too advocate for your child. His DD cannot stand up for herself and reinforce her own position in the family. She relies on him (and/or you) to do that on her behalf.

He doesn't have the right to succumb to his fear of conflict with is mother if it results in his DD's security in her place in the family being undermined.

He should be more worried about his DD's feelings than his fear of causing bad feeling with his mother.

Unicycle, you moose.

Are you the hospital nurse who, some years ago, asked me why I wasn't having my (very sick at the time) baby adopted? You seem to have about the same level of empathy and comprehension.

I am glad you talked to your DH about it, but yes it seems as though he will do nothing about it, this own time nonesense confirms that, so it is down to you I am afraid to have a polite word with her. How your DH takes tgat, I don't know, but it has to be done. I am sad your DH is spineless, and refuses to defend his dd. You sound like a wonderful mother, and your ds and dd is testimony to that.

You really DO have to get this dealt with now. It is so crap growing up in a family where some people don't love you. The effects are lifelong.

One year DD got markedly less than DS1 for Christmas and even DH noticed. Nothing was said but the next occasion I remembered and she was given appropriate to what her brother had got. My children are older than yours and wouldn't notice or mind if they did but I would be lion with my cub.

Tell him to talk to her now or you will. --put the fear of God into him then we'll all help pin her -and unicycle - the wall.

mineallmine - I replied before reading your latest post. You are a wonderful mum and BOTH children are lucky to have you.

If you are worried about your daughter don't be swayed by your mother. You know your DD and if you have concerns have them checked. It is hard when no one listens bitter experience but the sooner any difficulties are discovered the sooner your daughter can get the help and support she needs.

My MIL looked all cats bum face when I told her we might adopt. No way would I allow any differences between the children but I can totally see how hard it is to pull someone up on their behaviour.

Well said MrsDeVere

mineallmine

I typed all my comments before your update.
From things that you've said now it sounds to me that your MIL loves DD but for some reason didn't bond in the same way as with her other GCs.
Her cackhanded comment about getting pretty seems to give the game away.

On reflection I wonder if a quiet word is the way to go, woman to woman, pointing out that she might not even be aware but that the rest of you have noticed and it's hurtful to feel there's a distinction made between them.
With any luck she'll be mortified.

Still think DH should speak to her though.

Recognising the problems before the decision is made to adopt means people can consider whether and how they can be overcome, headed off or alleviated.

Thank you so much unicycle for pointing that out [solemn po-faced emoticon]. Thats the problem with adopters generally, they rush into thing frivolously without thinking things through.

Dang it, if only I'd had more than 3 years and a preparation course and a home study with a social worker who quizzed me on virtually every aspect of my life (including how those close to me would react). If only I'd had to be questioned in front of a jury panel of 10 people before being allowed to join a long list of people who are considered half way sane enough to deal with a new child.

If only I had done all of that, then I'd be better prepared for twat faced people making twat faced comments.

No wait... it was me that did that... it was you that didn't.

Silly me.

Is DH embarrassed by it all, is that why he won't discuss it with her. I'd have to have it out with her just to clear the air. Good luck x