to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

See that's what I don't understand, when she's with dd, she seems to really enjoy her company so I really don't understand the lack of presents thing. Only way to sort it out is to talk to MIL.

I actually think it'll go ok. I once had to have another 'conversataion' with her when she made a nasty comment about my niece (not her family) and while I guessed at the time that she didn't actually understand the words she was using - she called my dn an 'ornery little cuss' - I was steaming mad about it. She was very apologetic to my face and brought me a bunch of flowers afterwards.

She can be a right cow at times but I really don't believe she's in unicycle's league. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt until we talk about it.

I'll let you all know how the conversation goes.

I'll let you all know how the conversation goes.

I am beginning to wonder whether anyone is actually going to have this conversation with her. You and your DH have had plenty of opportunities during this visit and neither of you has just bitten the bullet and tackled it.

You cannot keep putting it off until the right moment comes along. There is never going to be a good time to have this conversation and there will always be a handy excuse for anyone looking for one.

Please, please stop procrastinating and deal with this swiftly and effectively to prevent your poor DD from feeling dreadfully hurt. You will feel awful if you keep putting it off until it is too late and the damage is done.

You sure she didnt forget to put something in the card and really thought your dd would like the plastic golf set. (Clutches at scraws). Agree with ither a quiet word might be needed.

Yes, you need to talk.

I actually wouldn't pull any punches at all. And I'd speak as if the whole issue was so important that it was out of your hands, so to speak - that the effect on DD would be so bad if there was any HINT of different treatment that there would be no option but for contact to be ceased for the sake of the whole family. No discussion.

I would also say that although DD was at the moment too small to notice, DS had, and so it was already an issue. That she needed to provide a gift for DD and make sure DS knew about it to right the situation this time. Then, let it be clear that if there was another instance of DD not being treated the same as DS, contact would stop.

Still think your DH is beyond contempt as an adoptive parent.

I am beginning to wonder whether anyone is actually going to have this conversation with her. You and your DH have had plenty of opportunities during this visit and neither of you has just bitten the bullet and tackled it.

This conversation will happen and I don't need anyone to tell me that I need to stand up for my daughter. There are no excuses being made. I've seen her twice this visit: last Sunday when I hoped dh would talk to her and then last night at the party where no conversation would be possible because (a) it was my very lovely SIL's party and she deserves a drama-free time after a shitty year and (b) it was too bloody loud to talk to anyone. I needed to wait until yesterday to see if ds was given a present to be sure in my heart that differences were being made between my children. Now I'm sure.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, just handing your DS 40 euros without even so much as a card suggests she sort of forgot his birthday too until someone reminded her on the day so just gave him some cash when she saw him.

Doesn't make it right, and you definately do need to have a word, but ignoring the amounts involved - the effort to go buy a card, write it, go to a post office to send it internationally to get there in time - all requires more thought than handing a DGS some cash from your purse.

It does seem like she's stopped making effort generally. Still speak to her, but after hearing that, it does seem to be less not thinking about DD because she's adopted but more not thinking in general unless she's seeing someone.

Having just read your update where your MIL gave your son $40 this was my immediate thought.

I don't think it is confusing at all that she is all over your DD when she sees her. She can hardly ignore her in public when other people are there, or ignore you when you chat on the phone about her latest new word and her new skill, whereas no money in a card is private as opened at home with just your immediate family or she is relying on your manners not to mention that there is no money in the card if opened with others.

Your DH is a dickhead and putting his mother before his child . Is he okay with her being adopted, does he love her or has it not turned out as he thought?

itsfab he loves her wholeheartedly without question, I have absolutely no doubt about that.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, actually. I think MIL is relying on my manners not to mention the empty card. I'm generally not one to rock to boat- I just sit smiling on the sidelines and try to let everything wash over my head. Except when it comes to my children.

He (and all of his siblings) just have a very strange - to me- relationship with their mother. They're all afraid to say anything to her that she doesn't want to hear. She bitches about one child to another, something my own mother would never do and it means that you always feel that you're the one being talked about when you're not there, IYKWIM. She creates bad feeling and division among her children instead of uniting them. They're all afraid of annoying her.

He is a dickhead, I totally agree.

And the bad feeling and division she has created within her children's relationships she is repeating with her grand children .

IME you never get over not being wanted.

for you.
for your son.
for your daughter.
FA for your husband and NC for your MIL.

.

Maybe your son can help .... by raising it but with a touch of humour.

My grandma always announced in toasts about her only grandson (who smirked happily with his own self- importance) .... She had two .... Only the second was adopted. I can remember asking her if she could count and doing it slowly for her, in front of her entire family (around 30) aged about 11. By keeping turning her inability to count into a joke, eventually she learned to keep her mouth shut, and was actually close to the adopted grandson. I think it was something to do with carrying on the family name.

I don't think he felt as bad as it could have been, because most of the cousins treated her behaviour as her being a silly old bat, and two of us openly challenged her! I think other people's reactions to your MiL's behaviour will affect your DD's self esteem in a positive way, so please don't sweep it under the carpet.

Incidentally dear grandma gave everyone the same re presents.

Here is a thought: buy her a new calendar for Christmas and write in all important dates for her. That way she cannot possibly claim to have forgotten. Though, not sure of her age, things like this may slip her mind. I would still mention it though. Show your DH that your are not a pushover and your daughter comes before his feelings of 'embarrassment' or whatever might be the reason for his delay.

This conversation will happen and I don't need anyone to tell me that I need to stand up for my daughter.

OK. That's good

I appreciate your comments, Goldmandra. The more people on dd's side in life, the better.

Apologies for asking but what exactly was the comment your mil made to your niece? I'm reading it like "an honuary little cousin" or did she actually mean "a horny cuss"?

In regards to the gifts is your dd the youngest grandchild, I have seen it happen where the first initial grand children get spoiled and then as the years go on the younger ones get less as they're deemed to not really need anything.
For what it's worth I'd prefer the interest in the child over generous gifts but I don't think kids should be treated differently.

Deemail, she asked how my dn was and said 'I always wondered how she'd turn out.'(DN was only around 5 at the time.) 'She was such an ornery little cuss.' DN had selective mutism and MIL never heard her speak so I guessed she was referring to that. Ornery and cuss both mean contrary, bad-tempered etc which dn is not, she's just painfully, horribly, worryingly shy. When I spoke to MIL about it, she 'Didn't mean that at all etc etc' which she probably didn't but my point to her was that unless she had something lovely to say about dn, she shouldn't make any comment when she had only met her once in her life.

That makes sense, I knew cuss was bad tempered but hadn't realised ornery did too, I was cringing thinking it was horny, lol.

Of course she was speaking out of turn, I find older people often lack a filter.

I'll be honest if it were me I don't think I'd broach this subject until Christmas, I'd wait and see what happened then and if occurred for a second year running then I'd broach it. In my opinion at the moment it's all to easy for her to say the empty card was a mistake or that the money had been taken in the post, that the Amazon gift never came or that she was saving it for this year as shed got something else at the time.

It does sound as though she enjoys your dd and it'd be awful to spoil that, the lack of a card for your son makes it sound as though she's the type of person who doesn't propoerly do niceties and doesn't realise how thoughtless she's been.

You have to mention it before Christmas or it will be eating away at you.

and me

Yes, I can't wait to do it until Christmas. It's already eating away at me. The ILs are travelling home tomorrow but not staying with us before they go. So I'll give them until Wed to settle back at home and then phone.

good luck op.

Op an advert for Vistaprint calendars just came on and I thought of you. You can get it printed with reminders for birthdays; you could have pictures of both DC on every month except for their birth month when it could just be either your ds or dd.

Marceline

I'd love this present from my nieces and nephews; I bet your dps would love it too.

What it's Fab said... FA

Wow, just read this start to finish. Hats off to you OP, I really hope this conversation goes well and your MIL is ashamed when it's pointed out to her that it's been noticed.

I've also decided that unicycle is a twunt of epic proportions who's obviously got some hang ups that this thread has somehow brought to the surface.

The more people on dd's side in life, the better.

If I had half a chance I'd say it to your MIL myself.

I think this has touched a nerve with me because my DH's family seem to have a long tradition of this sort of appalling behaviour in circumstances involving adoption and other, more complex, scenarios and I can see how many lives it has really messed up. MIL has tried to do similar with my own DCs and I had to jump on it to prevent a very vulnerable child being badly hurt.

I am so glad you won't be leaving this until Christmas before you tackle her. You certainly don't need any more evidence. I hope you get another good response to your foot being put very firmly down.