to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

A few general points: You can't order someone to love your child. You can't order them to feel affection for your child. You can't order their eyes to light up when they see your child. You can't order people to treat your child with a tenderness that flows from love. You can't order their hearts to swell with pride and joy as they jabber to whoever will listen (and many who don't care to) about your child. You can't really guarantee they will ever feel this way about your child, but one way to ensure they don't, at least not in a hurry, is to disregard the feelings of uncertainty or even nothingness that they feel for your child, and order them to provide presents you think are sufficiently worthy.

A lack of presents is not a major issue in my book because it can be managed quite easily in a number of ways, and without much drama too. The lack of underlying positivity is the major issue for me and it WILL reveal itself in all but the most accomplished and determined actors, and issuing diktats is not the way to address that. Understanding that other people may take much longer to develop affection for your child, and that a relationship needs to be fostered to get to that point is the way to go, because I believe you are doing children a disservice to surround them with people who are polite and superficially pleasant to them but in reality feel very little for them.

And take some responsibility for putting the child in that situation. They didn't get there by accident and usually aren't there for their own sake but to fulfill their parents' desires.

Is your MIL returning home directly after the party? ie Will there be an opportunity to discuss with her on Sunday or next week?

Personally, I'd say nothing to DH, I'd take her aside now and say that DS has picked up on the fact that he has received presents from his grandparents for his birthday and Christmas and that he has realised that his little sister is being treated differently by them. That this has upset him and he is asking awkward questions. That you don't know if it has been deliberate because she is adopted or simply a repeated oversight.

Then I'd say that while it is nice to get 20 on your birthday as a treat from your grandparents, your children don't want for anything and that unequal treatment of them will simply spoil DS's and DD's relationship with their grandparent. State that you would prefer that they just received a card if they can't bring themselves to treat them in the same way.

Then I'd leave. Don't get into a discussion about it, your daughter or her adoption or any excuses from MIL. Just state the facts, that this has happened on a number of occasions now and it needs to stop.

Leave your DH out of it until it is done and then tell him you'll kick him into touch if he makes excuses for you or apologises in anyway. It's easier - the Irish Mammy relationship isn't worth trying to take down. Life's too short.

uni no you can't order people to love your child but you can expect grown adults to treat a child correctly and not be a fucking nob head about it.

It's not the Childs fault so why take it out on the child?!

And take some responsibility for putting the child in that situation. They didn't get there by accident and usually aren't there for their own sake but to fulfill their parents' desires

Are you for real?! They adopted a child, gave a child a chance of an actual family. A chance to have parents and siblings and a home.

How fucking dare the OP do that!

Unicycle - this isn't about feelings - it's about behaviour! It doesn't really matter if she doesn't feel the same about her biological and her adopted grandchildren, so long as her behaviour towards them is equal.

If you think the problem is that the OP wants to put someone who is superficially pleasant to the child in the child's life, then the answer is not to have that person in their life. But as the MIL lives overseas and has to visit the OP's house or the OP take the other grandchild to the MIL so she can see him, cutting her out of the younger child's life will mean cutting her out of both.

That might have to be the outcome, but there's a lot ot be said for giving the MIL a choice. Right now, it's likely she doesn't get that she's making choices that will lead to her losing her relationship with her grandchildren.

Can you discretely take MIL aside and say "I notice you gave DS some money in his card. I didn't want to say anything at the time but I'm now worried the money was stolen from DDs card."

FWIW, I'm utterly disgusted at Unicycle's posts.

Unicycle. It's a shame that the couple of good points you make are totally over shadowed by your complete lack of empathy & your frankly weird insistence that it's ok to treat people badly if your permission for them to exist wasn't sought.

You can't order someone to love your child. You can't order them to feel affection for your child.

No but you can order them to grow the fuck up, start behaving like an adult and treat them with respect and equality.

mineallmine

I'd have a bigger problem with my DH in this situation, because frankly, it feels like in not standing up to her, he's agreeing with her actions. Now I know it's probably not really the case and that he's just being a fucking wimp, but it wouldn't stop my heart feeling that this is a complete betrayal of our DD and making me feel like he too thinks less of her because she's adopted. Head & heart thoughts.

As for MIL, DH had his opportunity. He didn't take it, so tough. I would say to her that I simply cannot understand why, when she appears to be interested in DD, appears to love her and appears to be happy to see her, she treats DD differently when it comes to birthdays? Ask her to explain. Start off calm. Feel free to go off on one if you need to.

Unicycle Are you a GP or aunt with an adoptee in the family?

If my DC ever adopted a child I cannot see any reason why I would treat them differently to a 'blood-related- child. They would be the children of my children and therefore my grandchildren. However they arrived.

And any adult that treated them differently could just stay away.

sorry i am not trying to be hurtful .but everyone of her other granchildren are given present,s/ money but the adopted one is not sorry but of course that is the reason .i would tell her i have two children who are both loved equally and if you can,t accept that then fuck off basically .sorry for being so blunt .you will have plenty of helpers regarding the pinning against the wall by the looks of things

I have no helpful suggestions I'm afraid - I have similar issues with my MIL (whose GC are all blood related).

My MIL treats my three kids completely differently to her other three grandchildren (who belong to her adored elder son and elder daughter). She's always treated DH as the black sheep, despite being the one she always turns to when she needs help with stuff.

I get really hacked off with it but DH refuses to confront her about it. My DS has just turned three and received a Poundland card in the post and that's it (she always leaves the price stickers on cards for some reason). Both DDs have gone birthdays without presents either and none of them receive much for xmas. Darling GC from her daughter were given remote control toys and a games console last xmas. A couple of years ago the daughter was given half the garden (in a very sought after and expensive-to-buy-houses-in village) to build a house. For free. Neither sons have been given anything and no provision has been made in her will for this.

God, I hope I'm a nice MIL when my kids get married...

unicycle no you cannot force somebody to love a child when they don't but you can expect them to be a decent respectful human being. Yes presents do matter to a child, it is hurtful to see your brother and cousins getting, but you not, and from adult posters on here who have been in similar situations as children, it can be psychologically damaging.

How dare op give a loving home to a child in need, espcially without consulting the wider family, what the hell was she thinking. And then expect them to treat the child with respect, oh dear . Is there any reason for your lack of empathy Unicycle!

unicycle You are either spectacularly stubborn or astonishingly thick. It doesn't matter a tiny tit whether the MIL loves the children involved equally. Love cannot be ordered and it is normal to have "favourites".

The point is that irrespective of ones personal feelings the children should be treated the same. It is cruel to exclude a child or treat one child in a family markedly different from another.

The child WILL notice as they get older. That is cruel. Do you really advocate cruelty to children??

So whilst waiting for grandma to develop a bond, she will continue to treat dd less favourably than ds. Well a bond is never going to happen, if she does that, dd comes to realise the situation.

stillsquirrelling any chance that next time your MIL asks your DH to help her he will tell to to FOTTFSOFATFOSM?

What an appalling cunt.

How awful stillsquirreling if MIL needs care, her darling daughter can take care of her.

I think something fairly devastating for you must have happened to colour your views and cloud your judgement so radically unicycle It's thankfully fairly rare to read such unkind and bitter opinions particularly attached to children

It's also a sharp contrast with a thread update I read earlier today. From around 18 months or so ago when the OP was thinking of taking in her DS's 16 year old friend who had lost both his parents and whose living circumstances weren't working out.
The update is how, despite the usual teen setbacks etc., the boy has been offered his first choice university and how well he's done despite the trauma of his loss.

I fail to see how love and kindness is perceived to have a negative impact on others. If (big if) anyone is in a position to feel that way it would surely be the OP's DS not the wider family. Thankfully the DS in this case embraces his DSis and so there really is no need for anyone to be negative by proxy.

I'm imagining a scenario where a grown woman invites her adult DCs round to dinner with their partners and then neglects to feed one of them on the basis that she wasn't consulted on the partnership
How rude and bad mannered would that be? how unfeeling. You can't imagine anyone would behave like that can you and yet this is not really any different, in fact, it's worse.

I really would expect my DH to take issue with his DM over this. It's sweet of DS to offer to share, but it really isn't the point. It's not about money or toys at all.

And take some responsibility for putting the child in that situation. They didn't get there by accident and usually aren't there for their own sake but to fulfill their parents' desires.

This is one of the most hurtful things I have read on Mumsnet, unicycle how low of you, how disgusting! These wonderful adopters have given a child in care and need a chance of a loving and caring family. I am disgusted at you, I really am.

My Grandma had form for doing this to me and I did start to notice as I have both older and younger siblings, last straw came one christmas when she handed out presents but apparently forgot mine thats when my mum threw her and the presents out the house. I never understood why she took a dislike to me, maybe because I thought the sun shined out of my nana arse who she also didn't like

FFS Unicycle give it a rest - no-one expects anyone else to automatically feel huge love for their offspring - however they came into the family - but this is about basic consideration, kindness and decency towards a small child (and courtesy towards the OP's family unit). There is NO justification for excluding one (or more) child(ren) from something easily accomplished like gifts because somehow, stupidly and unkindly they offend your sensibilities. How much do you think it would hurt a grown adult to hand over a few ££s, or to buy a colouring book and pens ? It's hardly an extraordinary effort - yet the lack of such a gesture leads to significant hurt and insecurity which could so easily be avoided. Why would any sensible and normal adult choose to behave in such an unkind manner when the alternative cost to them - in terms of effort and money - is so small ? Why create the issue at all ? .... and what would such an adult expect to result from their stance ? Is the OP supposed to "get rid" of her much loved daughter, and/or beg for MIL's "forgiveness" ?? The whole thing beggars belief because it's so unnecessary, so easily avoided - which is why it's particularly upsetting this very misguided woman is behaving in such a way.

I would say something before the party too, OP. It definitely needs doing before Christmas and you may not see them again this visit before they leave. In your shoes I would say to DH, this is his absolutevlast chance to sort this quietly, because if he doesn't I WILLL be doing it for him. And that would not go as well as if he did it.

And as for unicycle - well. I've seen her offensive bollocks posted in other threads too. Doesn't have a clue. She'd have been much happier in 1970s South Africa. They knew how to treat second class people there.

Unicycle - good lord I hope you're a wind up ?

Let me get this straight. If a child is not planned or wanted, but has the cheek to be born nevertheless, then it should take it's chances as to whether anybody else gives a rat's arse about it ? Also, if you adopt a child or give birth to one, don't expect anybody else to behave with any sort of decency towards it any time soon, they weren't consulted as to it's existence ?

I assume your family didn't consult and that nobody gave a rat's arse about you, as this would explain your frankly weird and horrible views expressed on this post.

You and the MIL are a match made in heaven.

Ignoring all the other cuntish comments from unicycle.

I'd speak to DH first but then I'm afraid I would also confront MIL and ask her what was going on (if DH hadn't sorted it before).

One of my BF in USA has adopted 2 Korean DD and I think they had this problem maybe once from a relative - my BF went mad and asked her DH to sort it out... her IL's are great though generally as are rest of family and they treat adopted DDs as bio DDs which is how it should be.

I personally cannot comprehend anyone treating an adopted child in this way, appalling and your MIL should be shamed.

I was also thinking (sounds lame) maybe MIL thought money in a card your DD wouldn't know what to do with it etc... (sounds lame I said so) - BUT in that case (I'm guessing she's given money to your other DC at that age and younger though) - I'd maybe say "DD would LOVE to put the money towards Frozen toys (or whatever she likes)" or "in her savings account".

Unicycle do you have children! If you do, tgat sentence at the bottom of your last post applies to you!

I wouldn't be so sure your DS won't say something himself if he gets a card with money. Might be worth asking him if he does intend to do so - 14 year olds aren't exactly tactful and you might be able to guide him a little if he is determined to say something.