to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

Is it possible MIL is genuinely fond of your dd but equally doesn't consider her family? And has a strong sense of "family money stays in the family" - I've come across a few like that, who saw it as a massive point of principle that family money should not somehow leak out from biological membranes. She could see her as completely adorable, but as your daughter rather than her gd?

Reading between the lines methinks Unicycle has some issues with stepchildren.

mineallmine - do your ILs skype? I think it would possibly be beneficial for facial expressions to be involved in the conversation you have with your MIL, so you can see immediately if she looks shifty or guilty. If not, then a phonecall will still be better than nothing at all - it's a real shame you couldn't address it while they were still over with you though (I do understand why not, just saying)

Unicycle - your words are disgusting and so is your attitude. My oldest niece is adopted by my sister, and she certainly didn't ask my parents' "permission" to do so! Why in the name of fuck should she?! Luckily my parents are sane, compassionate, humane people who realised that this little baby was in need of love and care, and as my sister's parents, they were going to be doing that as the baby's grandparents. They have never once, not ONCE, shown any difference between this niece and her sisters. Shame the same couldn't be said of all our family members - one in specific has the same prick-like attitude as you do - but most of them have always treated DN as one of the family and never differentiated in any way.
I know you won't be, but you bloody well should be ashamed of yourself.

My grandparents did this with my younger brother (he is also adopted). It was the most bizarre thing that they should treat him differently, because one of their own sons is adopted!

It would be things like, all the other grandchildren would get £10/£20, and my brother would get £5. Obviously being kids, we would rip open the envelopes excitedly, and then DB would realise. It got to the point where none of us would open our envelopes in front of him. I remember my mum actually slipping extra cash into DB's envelope on at least one occasion. On another occasion my siblings and I all gave DB a share of our cash. It was heartbreaking to see his wee face upset, and we knew it wasn't because he had less money than us.

I actually don't know what happened in the end, I was a child myself so I don't know if my parents spoke to them about it.

I personally would have found some time to have a 'quiet word' with her face to face. Mabey not at the party, but you did see her before. Make sure you do address it with her soon.

I agree with Devora, this çoukd be the logic behind it. But it's not acceptable.

Any news OP ?

Quick update cos I'm running out the door.

Told DH last night that I was going to phone his DM and gently say presents for both or neither this Christmas. He was really angry (again!! It's his defense mechanism- a whole other thread for a whole other time. One battle at a time) and again said 'It's my family, let me handle it. I wouldn't interfere in your family' (There would never be any need to, my family are brilliant.) So AGAIN I said 'Well, they might be your family but DD is MY family and if you're not going to say anything to stand up for her, then I have to because I couldn't forgive myself if the same thing happens at Christmas.' He said he fully intends to but not on my timetable, he'll do it when he is talking to his DM anyway which is fair enough. He wouldn't tell me WHEN he would talk to her but has promised me faithfully that it will be before Christmas.

And apparently he still hasn't forgiven me for the things I said when we last fought about this. I think he means when I said he was a coward who was more afraid of his mother than he was of letting his DD down. The truth hurts, it seems.

Will update further when the conversation actually happens.

Jesus Christ

I'm sorry to ask this - truly I am - but what are you going to do if the conversation doesn't happen?

I know I've said this before, but it is a shit situation for both your dd and your ds - is he really so afraid of talking this through with his mother that he will let both your dc down?

Some people (although I personally have noticed it in more men than women) think that if you just keep your head down and pretend it's not happening, then it won't be. I think that's what your DH is doing here. He doesn't want the situation to be as it is and is angry at you for repeatedly making him think about it when he's quite successfully burying his head in the sand thank you very much.

You may need to have another talk, and provide some guidance on how this is going to work. Here are some suggestions for that conversation.

1. Stay calm no matter how emotive he gets.

2. State clearly and calmly that turns will be taken to speak.

3. Explain that his family are indeed his family. The situation is that one member of his family is treating another member unfairly, and that you want to make sure the situation is resolved before the unfairly-treated one is old enough to realise. Since the unfairly-treated one is also YOUR family, you feel that you have a right to take an interest in this. Your DS, who is also YOUR family, is also upset and so you're more compelled to set this straight.

4. State that you feel it would be best to have such a conversation well before Christmas, as there's a chance for hurt feelings to have time to be soothed that way. The week beforehand? Not a good idea. There will never be an ideal time to do this and so it's better to forge ahead.

5. Pick a date that you consider to be the absolute limit and state that if he has not been able to have a conversation with her himself by that point, you will feel it to be necessary to do it yourself. As a gesture of respect towards your partner's feelings, you will give it as long as you can before wading in yourself.

He probably won't like that point but at least he won't be able to say he hasn't had fair warning.

6. Make the point that if your DD does not receive some equal form of acknowledgement (equal to your DS's) at Christmas, you will politely enquire as to why not. In front of everyone.

That way your DH will actually have to have the conversation and won't be able to fudge it by telling you it's all sorted when it isn't 'cos he's chickened out

Alternatively, could you have this conversation by email? I find it much easier to deal with my DH when we both have to take turns by default, in the form of written correspondence

If you do discuss in person, the morning isn't a great time as everyone's rushed IME.....

Good luck!!

I almost sounds like he's digging his heels in to prove a point that you can't tell him what to do. Missing in the process that he's just making himself look like a bit of a dick.

I'm sorry its not an easy situation for you to deal with.

OP, You KNOW he is NEVER going to raise a peep with his mother. Why are you allowing him to stall and stall and stall ?

DD is his family though - and I'd say that once you have children (however they come into your life) they are, arguably, more "family" than extended family (including parents, however much you love them) because you have far far greater responsibility towards a child.

In other words, except in life or death genuine emergency situations, children take priority over your parents .... which means that he should have spoken to his mother about this a long long time ago when you first raised it. In fact, unless he's rather thick (sorry, OP), he should have clocked what was going on anyway and have taken matters into his own hands straight away without any prompting from you!

Plumping offers some very good advice. I really do think, as she suggests, that you do in effect have to give him an ultimatum (as in, you WILL have the conversation yourself unless he does so by a particular date) because Xmas is creeping ever closer.

I'm very sorry he gets so angry and defensive with you - it's clearly not something he wants to do, and I shouldn't think you do either - but this is about stepping up and protecting his daughter, a child, from the thoughtlessness (at best) or downright nastiness (at worst) of a so-called adult who should know better.

I really hope it doesn't come to this but if it did I suspect you would choose your children over your DH, OP, whereas he might possibly choose his mother over his children.

My mother chose her boyfriends over me, it is really shit and I am still bitter and really hate that she has done this to me. Don't let another child live there life feeling second best .

It's a pity you told him you were going to ring.
I couldn't feel loving towards him while that was hanging over us.
How long can you go without the resentment building up op?

Sorry if this has alrady been covered but what does your DH actaually think of the situatuion, Mine? I don't mean the having to deal with his mother thing but the fact that she is treating your children differently.

This kind of thing is really common. After MIL's death a few years ago, PIL started seeing someone else immediately and they are now married. Their house is full of photos of step-MILS only dgd, she has her own room there for when she stays, they pick her up from school, etc. Our kids don't get a look in - no photos up, they have never been invited to stay or asked for tea after school.
The dd/ds see all this and I never know what to say to them. It's actually turned into a joke now - granddad is is always 'busy'.

DH has tried to point this out to him many times but it doesn't change anything.

The frustration is not knowing if this type of bias towards one grandchild is a deliberate snub designed to be offensive, or are they just stupid?

Either way it is very sad for the kids who miss out on all the fun stuff that they are supposed to do with grandparents.

Op is anyone going to stand up for this child! Its ok to talk, but nobody is confronting this woman about her behaviour. Why did you not just ring her, you know what your dh will do and is like. You know that he won't say anything to upset his dear mother. If it does come to Christmas and there is a discrepancy over presents, funny how ds presents have come and not dd? Don't tell your dh, pick up that phone and tell her yourself. It sounds as though you are both trying to ignore this and not confront the situation. DD is his as much as she is your dd.

Thanks for all the feedback.

Plumping Great idea to have email conversation. I'll use this in the future. DH is hard to deal with at the best of times. He's a shouter and I can't bear that. I pretty much did as you suggested last night. I had two conversations and I kept very calm in both. After the first, he 'warned' me not to phone his mother but wouldn't answer me directly about how he proposed to handle the situation himself. I left him to calm down - dd had noticed the words between us and said 'Stop it, you two' so I let it go then. Later when the two dc were in bed, I said 'I want to have one last conversation about this' and he said he wasn't going to talk to me about it any more. I asked him 'Do you thing there is a situation to address here or do you think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill?' (a favourite accusation of his.) Then he said 'Of course there's a situation and I'm going to deal with it but you're not going to push me about it.' SO I said just tell me roughly when you'll tell her. He said to stop pushing him. So I said the same thing will happen at Christmas and he said, loudly, 'Well of course I'm going to do it before Christmas, there's no point otherwise.'

Itsfab It would be my children over anyone in the world, no contest!

Aeroflotgirl I hear your frustration and please believe me, I won't rest until this conversation is had. DD is unaware of anything so it's not like she's sitting sadly feeling undefended. My dc are the most important thing to me but I have to give him the chance to defend his dd himself. He says he'll do it and that it will be done before Christmas and I'm going to give him that chance. If he doesn't and there's a repeat at Christmas, then I won't for one second hesitate to phone her myself and he can go and fuck himself. And take MIL with him. He will also go very far down in my estimation if he doesn't do it. I just can't understand what the big fucking deal is. If this was my mother, I would have said then and there 'What's the story here?' but they all pussyfoot around MIL.

Sorry but I find this disgusting! I hope the child never cottons on that this is happening and I think your husband needs to have a word before she starts to realise what's going on. YANBU you are actually being really reasonable!

OP are you intimidated by your DH at all? It seems that he has told you to back off and you are- which I think you have done for long enough. I think he needs to see that his mother's behaviour towards your DD is causing marital strife and at this point he needs to realise that his family are you and the DC and you are the ones who deserve his loyalty and focus.

I appreciate his mother is an indomitable force but (I hope this doesn't offend) I am staggered that the pair of you have allowed this to go on for so long. You have pussy footed around her, fallen out with each other and seen your DD treated unfairly without saying anything to this woman. I understand it hasn't felt right to say things to her at a particular time but I imagine it will never feel right.

For me (and I admit I'm not one for backing away from a fight) I would have had it out with MiL as soon as I had seen her and got the issue resolved in whatever form. I simply couldn't imagine allowing someone to treat my child unfairly, whether the child understood or not.

Your DH has had ample time to speak up and he hasn't. I understand you wanting him to have this conversation in his own time but aren't you looking at him with disgust that he hasn't done so already? I hope he develops that backbone soon (as pp have suggested) and you aren't left telling him to fuck himself taking MiL with him.

I appreciate his mother is an indomitable force but (I hope this doesn't offend) I am staggered that the pair of you have allowed this to go on for so long.

Xena I think you're being a bit unfair there.

Look at it objectively: op's DH has got a 'difficult' mother, to put it mildly. Like many other children of difficult parents, he sounds like he's mired in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and would much rather just do whatever he needs to do to keep Mummy happy. If he grew up in a world like that, it will practically be second nature.

Then he marries op, and op (like most spouses) will follow her DH's lead wrt his relatives, albeit with the occasional in private. Thus the op gets sucked in.

When the difficult mother's behaviour crosses a line, op notices and reacts first, while putting pressure on her DH to sort it out. He, in response to all his training, is very confused - one the one hand his daughter is hurting, on the other Mummy must be right. He gets angry at op in response as she is the face of the need for change.

The situation DOES need to change, there is no doubt, but some compassion wouldn't go amiss. Note that I am fully in favour of him manning up and facing his mum though!

OP, plumping and others gave some sound advice.
I would not stand for this.
My DBs wife has a child from a previous relationship .
My DM treats that child the same as all her other grandchildren .
I get angry when I hear stories such as this and u bet your df is aware if what is going in
Your dh better grow some balls as he is supposed to protect his child .

Btw, I agree that they should not have let it go on for so long.
This involves a child not an adult.

Plumping I understand it must be terribly hard for the DH to speak to his mother because you're right, I imagine he is consumed with FOG. However I am of the belief that at some point the conversation will have to be had and for everyone it would be better to have this sooner rather than later.

The longer things are allowed to fester the worse they become in my experience. Speaking up against a parent, even as an adult, isn't easy and with a difficult DM as this it will be all the more harder. I'm not unsympathetic but for me there comes a time when enough is enough.

The longer things are allowed to fester the worse they become in my experience.

Oh, I completely agree. Unfortunately people generally learn this the hard way though as they don't want to rock the boat; they don't realise that the boat will eventually be rocked anyway and so it's better to have a little rock now than a massive rock later....

I may have over-extended that analogy but you see my point