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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu big fallout with mil

150 replies

Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 07:59

I'll start by saying I'm pretty messy, my house is clean (we have a dog so floors are hoovered /steam cleaned every day) but def messy, it's big so sometimes we just throw everything in one room so it looks tidy!

Anyway while I was on holiday my m-i-l cAme over and went through ALL my things, bags of clothes for the charity shop were washed and hung up on my wardrobe. A bag of holiday clothes my sister had given me to try on in case I wanted to borrow them were washed and hung up, thing taken from my drawers and hung up, a bag of clothes I had to photograph for ebay (not mine I do this as part of my job) have had the tags cut off and hung up. My bank statements taken out the envelopes and smoothed out A4 and layed out on top of my chest of drawers, medical letters laid out... You get the gist.

I felt sick when I came home from what had been a great holiday, we aren't close at all she'd asked for a key cause she was worried about security while we were away.

I'm maybe being overly dramatic here but I was crying! (I'm not easily upset) I think because she's pretty mean spirited and judgemental so I imagined her thinking badly of me as she did it!

Anyway when I calmed down I thought it best to phone and sort it out, I started off with "I know you were probably just trying to help, but I'm really upset you've gone through my things, I'm really private and..." At which point she started screaming that she's fed up of me being so messy, fed up of her son having to clean up after me (laughable!) and fed up of me wasting his money on all those clothes with tags still on (1. They were for eBay, 2. If I'm being pedantic I earn twice what her son does ;) I hung up as I wasn't bring shouted at. Within an hour though I'd texted and said I didn't want to fall out. I wanted to sort it out could she phone me when she's calmed down. That was 3 days ago.

Have I acted unreasonably? Am I overreacting about her going through my things /my sisters things/ clothes to be photographed? Should I just be grateful? I honestly feel my privacy has been violated and I dunno if I'm being over dramatic. I need perspective! Help!

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2014 08:00

No. I'd fall out with her big time. BIG TIME!

MorrisZapp · 20/10/2014 08:01

What does your dh think of all this?

KoalaDownUnder · 20/10/2014 08:01

Have I acted unreasonably?

Have you fuck.

I would be furious. (And I don't use that word lightly.)

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 20/10/2014 08:02

No, you're not being unreasonable. She was grossly out of order and then wouldn't listen when you called her.
Get DH to take the key back from her and then don't make contact until she apologises.

26Point2Miles · 20/10/2014 08:03

What does your DH make of all this?

Yanbu!

Letthemtalk · 20/10/2014 08:03

Wow! Yanbu. My dmil sometimes tidies our house while we're away, but she would never touch private papers, or open bags etc. Your mil has overstepped the mark. What business is it off hers how tidy you're house is?? Your privacy has been violated on your behalf.

ohtheholidays · 20/10/2014 08:04

No you are not Being Unreasonable not in the slightest.

It would be different if she'd done little things to help for when you got home from your holiday like water the plants,take in your mail,grabbed you some fresh milk and bread for when you got back.Those kinds of things most people would really appreciate and would come from a place of love.

But what your MIL did was well out of order.Has she got form for this kind of thing?

I can't imagine my own mother having ever done something like this let alone my MIL,I would not be pleased.All that extra work she's caused you.

What has your OH said about what they're mother has done?

Rantymop · 20/10/2014 08:04

Bloody hell she sounds unhinged.

Why on earth did she think she had the right to go through your personal belongings.

Fucking hell.

Littlef00t · 20/10/2014 08:05

Oh my days! She owes you an apology big time!

TheCrimsonQueen · 20/10/2014 08:06

I normally roll my eyes at the MIL threads which are normally an overreaction from an unreasonable OP. In your case YADNBU.

A complete invasion of privacy for a start and quite frankly if you want to live in your own shit it is still none of her business. Not that I am suggesting you do. How you spend your money is equally none of her business.

outrageous.

Littlef00t · 20/10/2014 08:06

And money for the ebay clothes that will presumably not go for as much now.

Original poster

Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 08:07

My dh went to talk to her and they ended up falling out when he disagreed that he has to clean up after me and that I spend all his (haha) money! I don't want him to fall out with his mum or have to manage our relationship, her and I are two adults we should be able to resolve issues (so I thought) 2 problems though 1. She never admits she's even slightly in the wrong, 2. She's very mean spirited and always looks for the worst in everyone. I'm getting angrier the longer she's taking to respond to be honest but anger won't sort this out!!

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 20/10/2014 08:08

You are not being at all over dramatic!

Your MILs behaviour was outrageous, and it wouldn't be in a hurry to forgive her, especially as she doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong.

Is there some reason you need to sort it out with her, like do you need her for childcare or something? Because if not, I'd leave her to it and just make sure that DH gets her key back from her.

Dawndonnaagain · 20/10/2014 08:09

I'd be changing the locks and never letting her near the place again. YANBU, she was being extraordinarily rude, how dare she do such a thing!

tertle · 20/10/2014 08:10

Yanbu! I would hate anyone going through my things like that.
I think you did the right thing in calling her calmly to explain your feelings. Her reaction was totally unreasonable; she should be apologizing, it shouldn't be you pleading not to fall out.
Do you normally get on ok ? What does your DH think? Do you think he's been complaining to her?

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2014 08:11

Has your business lost money by her cutting the tags off clothes? She needs to reimburse you if so.

And yes to changing the locks. And yes to telling her to fuck off.

GilesGirl · 20/10/2014 08:11

She was totally out of line. I would definitely cut contract until she apologized.

LittleBairn · 20/10/2014 08:11

YANBU I would insist she makes up the finacial loss from the ebay clothes.

BogStandardOldWoman · 20/10/2014 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/10/2014 08:12

That's outrageous behaviour, I hope you told her you earn more than him.

Changing the barrell on a locks really easy and not too expensive either.

MorrisZapp · 20/10/2014 08:12

Why does she think your dh cleans up after you, and that you spend his money?

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 08:12

Fuck me, I got the massive shits with MIL when she just helped DH move furniture around, move my books around and broke an ornament while I was away with the DSs - I'd have gone completely BALLISTIC over what you have just endured!

And I certainly wouldn't be looking to mend bridges over this at all. Unequivocal apology or nothing.

Your DH needs to take over from you at this point, however, and talk to his mother, explaining her gross invasion of your home and your life. If he refuses to do this then just forget it - and don't ever make contact with her again.

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 08:14

Ok, cross posted, if she's mean spirited and refuses to acknowledge her mistakes then just leave her to herself.

Your DH can go and see her, you don't need to. There are times when people have so massively overstepped boundaries that you just can't be reasonable about it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/10/2014 08:17

She wouldnt be allowed over the threashold again thats for sure.

And yes to those saying she needs to reimburse you for the now lower value untagged clothes.

Original poster

Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 08:18

I've explained to the client there was a "mix up" with the eBay clothes, the tags were left out in a row (presumably to shame me!) the client can reattach so no financial loss although does make me look a bit scatty and disorganised which isn't ideal!

OP posts:

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