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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu big fallout with mil

150 replies

Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 07:59

I'll start by saying I'm pretty messy, my house is clean (we have a dog so floors are hoovered /steam cleaned every day) but def messy, it's big so sometimes we just throw everything in one room so it looks tidy!

Anyway while I was on holiday my m-i-l cAme over and went through ALL my things, bags of clothes for the charity shop were washed and hung up on my wardrobe. A bag of holiday clothes my sister had given me to try on in case I wanted to borrow them were washed and hung up, thing taken from my drawers and hung up, a bag of clothes I had to photograph for ebay (not mine I do this as part of my job) have had the tags cut off and hung up. My bank statements taken out the envelopes and smoothed out A4 and layed out on top of my chest of drawers, medical letters laid out... You get the gist.

I felt sick when I came home from what had been a great holiday, we aren't close at all she'd asked for a key cause she was worried about security while we were away.

I'm maybe being overly dramatic here but I was crying! (I'm not easily upset) I think because she's pretty mean spirited and judgemental so I imagined her thinking badly of me as she did it!

Anyway when I calmed down I thought it best to phone and sort it out, I started off with "I know you were probably just trying to help, but I'm really upset you've gone through my things, I'm really private and..." At which point she started screaming that she's fed up of me being so messy, fed up of her son having to clean up after me (laughable!) and fed up of me wasting his money on all those clothes with tags still on (1. They were for eBay, 2. If I'm being pedantic I earn twice what her son does ;) I hung up as I wasn't bring shouted at. Within an hour though I'd texted and said I didn't want to fall out. I wanted to sort it out could she phone me when she's calmed down. That was 3 days ago.

Have I acted unreasonably? Am I overreacting about her going through my things /my sisters things/ clothes to be photographed? Should I just be grateful? I honestly feel my privacy has been violated and I dunno if I'm being over dramatic. I need perspective! Help!

OP posts:
Ludways · 20/10/2014 13:10

I'd have hit the bloody roof. Interfering cow!

CocktailQueen · 20/10/2014 13:11

Jesus, she is absolutely barking. Am reading your post like this: Shock

I cannot BELIEVE that someone would do this!!!!!!

aftereight · 20/10/2014 13:20

Bloody hell. If my MIL did this it would be the end of our --already strained- relationship. YADDDNBU!

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 13:30

I am afraid I have had the same thing happen and we have not really spoken since and that was 7 years ago. The difference being mine did it while I was in hospital after birth of first child.

Bank details, letters, all rifled through. I am afraid it sounds like yours was giddy with anticipation on getting her hands on your keys so she could find alll the evidence she knew was right and use it against you,

they are all the same, the bad ones that is I am afraid.

Your DH now needs to contain his mother. You can't move forward after such a huge transgression without some equally huge apology.

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 13:31

You still haven't said how your DH feels about it, Noodles.

And frankly she can still be your husband's mother and children's grandmother without ever setting foot in your home again - she certainly wouldn't get a toe within the garden gate of mine again.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 13:42

Thumb, the problem with that is, and Its happened to ME is that you then get whole family wrath, and being blamed for splitting up family etc. MIl will cry and be the victim of her awful DIL ....

Its what we have done but its hard to bear the in justice if you like...

GiveMeSomethingNiceToEAt · 20/10/2014 13:45

wow, chiming in late here, but I would never trust her again. She sounds like Jackie Florrick.

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 13:51

Amouse - oh I know, tell me about it. My MIL is in no way bad, certainly not by the standards of the OP's MIL, but she still managed to blame me for refusing to have DH's arsewipe brother in my house over Christmas. Yes, that's right, it was my fault that he can't hold his drink and picks a fight with Dh every time over some paranoid nothing, then tries to beat him senseless, in front of our very small son.
We had a restraining order out against his brother for just such an occurrence while we were staying with MIL. Chairs were broken, the police came, BIL was removed. And yet somehow, it was MY fault, and I was "breaking up the family" for not wanting this lout around to MY house at Christmas? I don't fucking think so.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2014 14:27

However.... she IS your mil and part of the family - whether you like it or not!I would try and find a way to forget it.

I bloody wouldn't!

And she wouldn't be welcome in my home either. I'd never want to see her again. If her son wants to see her he knows where she lives.. And I wouldn't have my children see her unless their father was there putting her straight about all her misconceptions.

blanklook · 20/10/2014 14:47

I thought I'd read it all about MIL's but this takes MILMayhem to another level.
I'm literally speechless, in what universe is it okay to do what she did?

Do change the locks if you haven't already done so and make sure she only has supervised contact with your children, she's obviously mentally unstable to have done any of that, who knows what weird ideas she'd try and instil in their minds.

Another vote for making her pay the difference on the untagged-by-her clothes.

Flowers and Wine and Cake for you for even trying to maintain any sort of contact with her, I'd have been so incandescent with rage I'd have illuminated the nearest town for a week and incinerated her to a crisp

aprilanne · 20/10/2014 14:55

no yanbu ..i know how you feel .once my MIL looked after the children one night for a couple of hours .she then tidied my not perfect house .slung out everything in my small bathroom bucket .but the bloody bucket was not for rubbish .it had ladies products .condoms .the pill .that sort of thing .when my hubby .phoned to ask her what she was playing at .she said well i can,t help if i,m tidy .when he pointed out the bucket ..the silly cow said .I DID,NT REALISE YOU WOULD NEED THAT ..with three sons under 6 of course i needed them ..don,t give her your key again .bloody ignore her until you get an apology .

MrsLindor · 20/10/2014 15:10

I remember before DH and i got married, one of his cousins got married and a whole gang if aunties and cousins went over uninvited while she was on honeymoon and spent the whole day in her house cleaning and tidying.

I made it clear to my future MIL i would be furious if anyone invaded my privacy like that.

Shocking behaviour.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 15:14

thumb Yours is the extreme example of what mils will do to twist....anything except lay the blame where it truely belongs

GiveMeSomethingNiceToEAt · 20/10/2014 15:20

I think going NC is too extreme and would make the OP look bad which is not what you want.

I'd have handled this with a shouting match and looked like the hysterical one in my youth, but now, when somebody oversteps a boundary like this (and oh boy has she) I'd punish them with a chilly civility that was never actually rude per se, but at least three degrees below cordial. I'd never share a confidence, never go out of my way for her, never ask her opinion, never let my guard down. She'll feel demoted.

aermingers · 20/10/2014 15:57

I think the OP needs to go NC and so do her family for some period of time. Because she needs to understand what she did was wrong and things cannot just carry on as normal after behaving like that.

Some in laws of mine have recently been over and very kindly sorted out and redecorated my kitchen and bathroom and did a lot of cleaning round the rest of the house (I am also mess) however they did it without opening an envelope, moving a letter, and they did not go in my bedroom at all.

MIL could have come in tidied up and made a point without going through the OPs personal effects, the fact she did just shows that she's got no respect for the OP or her privacy. I think she needs a shock in order to learn some.

captainmummy · 20/10/2014 16:08

This reminds me ofthe OP whose MIL used to come round and 'tidy' drawers and wash stuff, put things away - the advice then was to leave a few 'rabbits' around in drawers and cupboards, the bigger, the better. With plenty of lube bottles...

DollyDreamboat · 20/10/2014 21:33

My ex mil used to do this shit. One day, I left a massive dildo on top of a pile of laundry in my bedroom. I know she saw it. I just wish I'd seen her face Grin

Penfold007 · 20/10/2014 21:39

Please tell me you've taken the key away or changed the locks?

maddening · 20/10/2014 21:45

I hope your Dh has put his mother straight on a few points she raised!

Icimoi · 20/10/2014 21:52

Even if she did genuinely want to tidy up, that cannot conceivably justify reading through your bank statements. I'm amazed you even contemplated trying to sort it out with her, if my MIL had done this I'd be going no contact.

WitchWay · 20/10/2014 22:03

She was out of order. Do the dildo thing if she comes in again.

wanttosqueezeyou · 20/10/2014 22:18

How utterly disrespectful and rude. She needs some clear boundaries.

Change the locks. I hope you'll be able to move forward with a relationship of some sorts but don't ever forget what she did and make sure she never has the opportunity to repeat.

I think you need to have a zero tolerance approach to her behaviour in future if this is part of a series of incidents.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/10/2014 08:02

Just wondering if there has been any attempt from the MIL to make an apology yet?

outofcontrol2014 · 22/10/2014 08:13

YADNBU.

I think your MIL probably did this out of kindness, thinking that it would be lovely for you to come back to a tidy house and expecting a bouquet and a thank you.

However, it is clearly intrusive and I am not surprised you are upset. My MIL once started going through my fridge throwing things away and I almost couldn't breathe because I was so upset and angry! It felt like a real violation, and very judgmental. I was particularly annoyed because actually I am much cleaner and tidier than my inlaws and they had no idea what they were doing (they were chucking out stuff that they thought was 'off' but wasn't).

I have to admit, though, if my own mother had done it, I would probably have gritted my teeth in annoyance but got on with it. It is because relations with MIL can so easily feel like you are being judged as untidy and not worthy of their precious son that this is hurtful. It is such a delicate relationship to build.

I don't think it's worth ending the relationship over, though. I would mend fences when you're ready, but enjoy a few months away in the meantime!

captainmummy · 22/10/2014 08:26

outofcontrol - you felt 'violated' when your MIl went through your fridge? How do you think you'd feel if she'd gone through your bank statements and papers when you were away?

Oh and then commented on them, to the effect that OP is spending too much (of her own money![anger]) and that she shouldn't be buying too many takeouts, in fact should be losing weight.....

You couldn't 'breathe' with anger at a fridge? I think you'd explode if your MIL had done these things.

Op is SOOOOOOO NOT BU!