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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu big fallout with mil

150 replies

Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 07:59

I'll start by saying I'm pretty messy, my house is clean (we have a dog so floors are hoovered /steam cleaned every day) but def messy, it's big so sometimes we just throw everything in one room so it looks tidy!

Anyway while I was on holiday my m-i-l cAme over and went through ALL my things, bags of clothes for the charity shop were washed and hung up on my wardrobe. A bag of holiday clothes my sister had given me to try on in case I wanted to borrow them were washed and hung up, thing taken from my drawers and hung up, a bag of clothes I had to photograph for ebay (not mine I do this as part of my job) have had the tags cut off and hung up. My bank statements taken out the envelopes and smoothed out A4 and layed out on top of my chest of drawers, medical letters laid out... You get the gist.

I felt sick when I came home from what had been a great holiday, we aren't close at all she'd asked for a key cause she was worried about security while we were away.

I'm maybe being overly dramatic here but I was crying! (I'm not easily upset) I think because she's pretty mean spirited and judgemental so I imagined her thinking badly of me as she did it!

Anyway when I calmed down I thought it best to phone and sort it out, I started off with "I know you were probably just trying to help, but I'm really upset you've gone through my things, I'm really private and..." At which point she started screaming that she's fed up of me being so messy, fed up of her son having to clean up after me (laughable!) and fed up of me wasting his money on all those clothes with tags still on (1. They were for eBay, 2. If I'm being pedantic I earn twice what her son does ;) I hung up as I wasn't bring shouted at. Within an hour though I'd texted and said I didn't want to fall out. I wanted to sort it out could she phone me when she's calmed down. That was 3 days ago.

Have I acted unreasonably? Am I overreacting about her going through my things /my sisters things/ clothes to be photographed? Should I just be grateful? I honestly feel my privacy has been violated and I dunno if I'm being over dramatic. I need perspective! Help!

OP posts:
Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 20/10/2014 11:23

I have a similar mil. I can assure doubters that people like this really do exist.

realitygone · 20/10/2014 11:26

If my MIL or even my own mother did this I would be having some seriously cross words with her.

Do it to her. See how she feels.

Is your dh bothered by how messy you are?

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/10/2014 11:26

I'd have gone ballistic if anyone had done this and they would not be setting foot in my house again.

Glad your DH put her straight on a few things.

I am more concerned though, about why you are trying to brush over it?

Hopingforpeace · 20/10/2014 11:26

My goodness, I didn't realise my mil had another dil. This is exactly the kind of crap my mil has done previously. She sorted my recently deceased mother's clothes into my wardrobe. They were in bags to go to different charities. AngrySad
She also chucked out a pile of dd1's clothes that I was planning on dd2 wearing as she thought it was awful dd2 would have hand-me-downs. Confused
I now don't let her in my house. I realised that no good can come of her being here. She just makes me feel bad. I suggest you put up boundaries to stop her from getting access to your belongings again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/10/2014 11:26

There are some cases where maybe those who've interfered were misguided but genuinely just trying to help ...this isn't one of them

MIL's sheer insolence beggars belief, with the cruel and offensive remarks on top of all the rest. It's fortunate that your OH is onside, as without that you could have had an even worse problem - and she fell out with him too over it?? Tell her a full and genuine apology is needed, then leave her to stew until you get it

BendyMum15 · 20/10/2014 11:32

My MIL is similar, have a list as long as my arm of things she has said and done. Luckily we live a 3 hour drive from her and to her that is like going to the moon and back so she can't come snooping.
She has however jumped way way over the line on many occassions so I have no contact and DH has limited (texts them on special occassions) contact and life is so so much easier. We have told her and FIL that we will start building contact if they apologise but she denies having said/done it all so I figure its their loss!
Am fuming on your behalf btw!

OwlWearingSunglasses · 20/10/2014 11:33

OP, in your situation, I think I would be tempted to print out this thread and post it to her.

I wouldn't actually do it but the temptation would be very strong.

Original poster
Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 11:38

Yeah I'm sure she has no idea I earn double what he earns, the fact is I've ALWAYS earned more than him, but we sHare everything, I'm prone to splashing out on the odd expensive pair of shoes (like once every year) when I get a big contract etc. my m-I-l is always very very careful with money, even though they are very very well off, and it upsets her if we get a takeaway or take the kids to Burger King, she thinks that's frivolous.

OP posts:
gotthemoononastick · 20/10/2014 11:39

I am a Mil. and would not dream of doing this.She really does not sound well.

I would not even go upstairs in their homes if they ask me to do an errand.That strange feeling of being in someone else's territory and respect for my Dil's. As for fiddling with washing!!!!!

I would very obviously change the locks now...no admittance by herself ever after. She will jolly well know why!

Xenadog · 20/10/2014 11:42

I think everyone has summed up how I feel. OP I would just wonder what you expect/want to happen now? What about your DH? How does he feel about this?

For me this is a deal breaker. I would feel so violated I don't think I could ever clap eyes on the woman again let alone allow her into my home.

Original poster
Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 11:51

My family is very close, and I suppose I know how upset if be if there was a rift with my mum and I don't want my husband to have that?

I can't trust her now, and she's proven that she's been silently (wrongly) judging me for some time.

I've said to my husband she is his mother, and my children's grandmother, she will always be welcome in my home, but from now on only while we are home, and ou if she has her tongue

She's left it too long for me to resolve amicably. At this point I can be civil but no more till she rebuilds the relationship. If she doesn't wish to, I'll live ;).

I can't control what she thinks /says about me but I can control how she makes me feel. She'll be outraged when she realises the locks have been changed. But I can live with that too. It's a shame, I have no time for negativity and bitchiness. It achieves nothing. I'm partly to blame for letting this fester, there's a couple of things I've probably never really forgiven her for but not had out with her and if I'd stood up to her earlier this would probably never have happened. Still, better late than never.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 20/10/2014 11:56

My mum did similar but nowhere near as bad. Just came round when I was out and then blew up saying my House was a mess. Didnt poke round, reading letters, etc.

I didnt let her back in for over a year.

RedToothBrush · 20/10/2014 12:04

Bill her for the cost of changing the locks for security reasons.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/10/2014 12:09

At this point I can be civil but no more till she rebuilds the relationship. If she doesn't wish to, I'll live ;) ... It's a shame, I have no time for negativity and bitchiness. It achieves nothing

I don't see how you could be fairer, OP - and FWIW I think you sound incredibly well balanced Smile

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 20/10/2014 12:10

I think a word with your local pcso as even though she had a key (for emergencies) letting yourself in cutting labels out of a clients clothes must be criminal damage

No matter how much she thought she was in the right i would want them to have a quiet word in her ear with a threat of arrest and criminal record if the client chooses to press charges after they have taken a statement

And then let her stew in her own crap afterwards, i would have been absolutely fuming in your position

GrannyGoggles · 20/10/2014 12:14

I'm a MIL. No way ever, ever would I do what yours has done. I will ask if there there is anything I can do to help chez DD & DSiL or DS & DDiL and not exceed the brief. Your DH needs to sort this, not you. My own MiL was a bit of a 'mare, before we got married DH told her to keep well out, having observed her causing no end of bother for his younger brother and wife. And change your locks. Today.

Castlemilk · 20/10/2014 12:14

Um, don't be civil.

Stop and think for a moment the level of respect she must have for you in order to think she had the right to do this. Can you imagine doing similar to her, and how unimportant she would have to be as a person to you for you to think it was acceptable?

She has zero respect for you, your place as a person with your own family. She thinks she's more important than you and doesn't have to treat you with basic decency.

She knew what she was doing.

This is your chance to stamp out this behaviour RIGHT NOW.

Your DH is clearly on side.

Tell him she's not welcome until she apologises, and it had better be good. Otherwise she can count herself out of YOUR family.

When she does, look her in the eye and say - I'm just going to clear a couple of things up RIGHT NOW. Firstly, I earn MORE than your son and always have done, not that we keep a count - unlike you. Secondly, how we organise OUR lives, OUR home, OUR belongings, is a matter for our immediate family and nothing whatsoever to do with you. I wouldn't dream of invading your privacy in the way you've done to me. Do it again and it will be the last you see of us.

Nip, nip, nip in the bud.

mummytime · 20/10/2014 12:18

Is this the kind of behaviour you want your DC to think is acceptable? To snoop around other peoples private belongings, and interfere with them?
Or that they need to conform to one persons idea of what is right?

Just be careful as what you do teaches a lot more to DC than what you say.

Protego · 20/10/2014 12:19

I think everyone is on the same wavelength here! You have been amazingly restrained. Personally I would draw a line and move on and always keep her at a safe distance from now on... Oh and now you have to see whether your DH passes the test.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 20/10/2014 12:36

OMG! I honestly think i would involve the police. I would feel violated. The judgemental hesp (v strong country word lol)!

wowfudge · 20/10/2014 12:53

Yikes - that's just wrong: what on earth was she thinking? How would she feel if you went into her house and messed it all up - i.e. imposing your standards on her?

Get the key back immediately.

Her reaction was because she expected you to be falling over yourself to thank her. What a cow.

Leave it - you've tried to be adult about things and she has behaved appallingly. She needs to apologise so don't go chasing after her to sort things out - she has to come to you.

hillyhilly · 20/10/2014 13:03

I think you have dealt with it brilliantly, her actions were totally inexcusable.

KirjavaTheCat · 20/10/2014 13:03

I'd have fucking exploded.

This woman thinks you're a timid fool if she thinks she can shout at you for confronting her.

She did that so you'd back down and give her the highground. Now you're waiting around for her to 'calm down' and call you back? Tell her to get fucked!

GilesGirl · 20/10/2014 13:06

I agree that the time to be civil is over. But I think it's really your DH's call if he wants to cut ties.

It would be a step too far for my husband and me if one of our parents did this.

hhhhhhh · 20/10/2014 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.