Aibu big fallout with mil

[Noodlesg]

I'll start by saying I'm pretty messy, my house is clean (we have a dog so floors are hoovered /steam cleaned every day) but def messy, it's big so sometimes we just throw everything in one room so it looks tidy!

Anyway while I was on holiday my m-i-l cAme over and went through ALL my things, bags of clothes for the charity shop were washed and hung up on my wardrobe. A bag of holiday clothes my sister had given me to try on in case I wanted to borrow them were washed and hung up, thing taken from my drawers and hung up, a bag of clothes I had to photograph for ebay (not mine I do this as part of my job) have had the tags cut off and hung up. My bank statements taken out the envelopes and smoothed out A4 and layed out on top of my chest of drawers, medical letters laid out... You get the gist.

I felt sick when I came home from what had been a great holiday, we aren't close at all she'd asked for a key cause she was worried about security while we were away.

I'm maybe being overly dramatic here but I was crying! (I'm not easily upset) I think because she's pretty mean spirited and judgemental so I imagined her thinking badly of me as she did it!

Anyway when I calmed down I thought it best to phone and sort it out, I started off with "I know you were probably just trying to help, but I'm really upset you've gone through my things, I'm really private and..." At which point she started screaming that she's fed up of me being so messy, fed up of her son having to clean up after me (laughable!) and fed up of me wasting his money on all those clothes with tags still on (1. They were for eBay, 2. If I'm being pedantic I earn twice what her son does ;) I hung up as I wasn't bring shouted at. Within an hour though I'd texted and said I didn't want to fall out. I wanted to sort it out could she phone me when she's calmed down. That was 3 days ago.

Have I acted unreasonably? Am I overreacting about her going through my things /my sisters things/ clothes to be photographed? Should I just be grateful? I honestly feel my privacy has been violated and I dunno if I'm being over dramatic. I need perspective! Help!

Just read the bit about the business lunches!!! OMG, what a cow. I'm sorry, but that's incredibly OOO.

YADNBU in any way shape or form. I don't know which part of what she's done is making me more outraged!

Do not let her get away with this!

I am a mil and I would never ever open a drawer or look at papers in my dil's house. I asked before I opened the wardrobe to hide a gift for dgd. With my own dd I have limits regarding paperwork, bags and drawers though I might dry wet washing if I was there babysitting and I would do washing up, pick up toys etc but no more. Your mil is guilty of a serious invasion of your privacy.

Go over to her place.

Rifle through her clothes for no reason.
Start putting stuff you don't like or think is unflattering to her in a black sack as if to throw out.
Go through her papers, her mail etc.
Comment on what she spends her money on.

Then say "That wasn't very nice to have done to you now was it, so back the f*ck off!!!!" and walk out of her house.

Alternatively, ignore her completely. You married her son, not her, so you don't have to have anything to do with her if you don't want to. Unless she makes a full apology for everything (going through your papers, your clothes and the comments she made etc.) then you're not interested. Good luck to her when she really needs your help as it wont be forthcoming!

Tbh I woukd be tempted to call the police

Surely thats criminal damage

Make her realise how out of order she is

Plus petty I know
Make sure she knows you earn double what he earns

Why she acting like the house being messy is all your fault
Its nkt even any of her business

The woman wouldn't be coming into my house again until she'd given an unequivocal and grovelling apology.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I think you need to look at why you're being so conciliatory about this and whether you could do with being a lot bit more assertive. For a start, your DH's relationship with her is not your responsibility. Her behaviour is so utterly unacceptable that she needs to realise how very far over the line she's gone. If I were you, I would write her a letter detailing all of what she's done (including what all the bags of clothes were for), how violated, insulted and angry you feel, and that she's not welcome in your home for the time being, and won't ever be again without an acknowledgement of what she's done and a genuine apology.

I am so on your behalf!

Mine is like this. She does not believe that she is U in the slightest - she believes that it is her right.
She believes that IABU for questioning her interference - as my elder I should accept her word as law on all things and be nothing but grateful when she sticks her oar in. Really.

After years of me trying with her, I am now minimal contact with her.

I would detach. YANBU.

This woman is has been a controlling busy body. What nasty behaviour. She isn't sick of her son clearing up after you, she is sick of you not coming up to scratch. And fuck her and her show home of smug sterility.

Do you have a key to her house? Get one. You know what to do.

What she did in your house is rude and annoying but forgivable. The nastiness is not. If she can't accept she was out of order and owes you an apology to clear the air I'd be steering clear. That means no to dh and the dc pissing off to family things or to visit her without you all the time.

Keep in touch with her via text and say that you will be keeping your distance as she has such a problem with you but when she is ready to come round then you're here to talk.

Ooh and suggest she get counselling for her anger issues and paranoia.

She's nuts.

Detach, change your locks and never let her have access again.

It's up to your dh to do what he chooses but you don't hVe to have any contact after her outrageous behaviour.

There's only one man who can solve this problem

well, as i was reading the first paragraph i thought itsnt that lovley... she is helping and she just didnt understand your system. how was she to know it wasnt all just dirty washing? that could have been an innocent mistake

But the paperwork thing... doesnt sit quite right with me. thats like having a proper snoop then rearranging your paperwork to cover her tracks.

However.... she IS your mil and part of the family - whether you like it or not!
I would try and find a way to forget it.

Of course YABU.
To have texted her within an hr saying that you didn't want to fall out

I'd want nothing more to do with her.

Although why can't she be made to sew the labels back on.

And wtf did she cut them out for?

And why just those labels??

YADNBU.

This wasn't just a quick tidy up for you to help you out or something this is way over the line.

I'm angry for you, and I don't even know you! I would be raging about this for weeks if it happened to me (my not-mil would love to do the same here but doesn't... I'm messy, and know it)

I don't think it's forgiveable, tbh

There is NOTHING not ONE THING about her actions that is reasonable or excusable.

My MIL gets shit from me just from putting things into my suitcase when we're staying in the guest room. She might have packed suitcases for her 10 year old son, but now he's married and sharing a suitcase with his wife, she has to back the fuck off. Sounds like your MIL is suffering from similar delusions of omnipotence.

However, I wouldn't say it's unforgivable. She's clearly a PITA but if you decide to continue the relationship you just have to change the locks and pretend to yourself that this never happened.

Nothing she did was "lovely" FFS.
I hope you have a key to her place and can go and give her similar help.
Seriously, I'd disengage completely and let your DH sort his relationship with her. I'd not even let her go to the loo in my house again without an escort.

Wow, this would result in me cutting all contact especially after the way she spoke to you.

My dh would be visiting her by himself in her house from now on. That's if he wants to maintain a relationship with her. My relationship with her would be over for good.

YANBU, but I would suggest this is a symptom of a much bigger problem, if she feels she can act like this, then she has zero respect for you (and her own son).

If you look back, can you see a slow, but steady pattern of controlling behaviour ?

I could write a book about the tricks my MiL got up to ...

You sound so restrained! I would have gone out on the front foot I'm afraid and told her what I really thought!
How totally and utterly outrageous. She had absolutely no right to go through your things. Reading and commenting on bank statements!
How you keep your house is none of her business and I'd be making that clear.
We got home from holiday once and mil (in house to feed cat) had folded back the duvet on our bed. I was furious she'd even been in our room!
That would be it for me without a full and grovelling apology.

MinnyMouse
Is the OP post a wind up ... Just saying.

I can easily believe it ...

Why would you just say that? Do you have any evidence? Troll hunting is against mumsnet rules. I've noticed that people who say they are just saying something are invariably being rude.

I WISH this was a wind up, I really do! :(