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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu big fallout with mil

150 replies

Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 07:59

I'll start by saying I'm pretty messy, my house is clean (we have a dog so floors are hoovered /steam cleaned every day) but def messy, it's big so sometimes we just throw everything in one room so it looks tidy!

Anyway while I was on holiday my m-i-l cAme over and went through ALL my things, bags of clothes for the charity shop were washed and hung up on my wardrobe. A bag of holiday clothes my sister had given me to try on in case I wanted to borrow them were washed and hung up, thing taken from my drawers and hung up, a bag of clothes I had to photograph for ebay (not mine I do this as part of my job) have had the tags cut off and hung up. My bank statements taken out the envelopes and smoothed out A4 and layed out on top of my chest of drawers, medical letters laid out... You get the gist.

I felt sick when I came home from what had been a great holiday, we aren't close at all she'd asked for a key cause she was worried about security while we were away.

I'm maybe being overly dramatic here but I was crying! (I'm not easily upset) I think because she's pretty mean spirited and judgemental so I imagined her thinking badly of me as she did it!

Anyway when I calmed down I thought it best to phone and sort it out, I started off with "I know you were probably just trying to help, but I'm really upset you've gone through my things, I'm really private and..." At which point she started screaming that she's fed up of me being so messy, fed up of her son having to clean up after me (laughable!) and fed up of me wasting his money on all those clothes with tags still on (1. They were for eBay, 2. If I'm being pedantic I earn twice what her son does ;) I hung up as I wasn't bring shouted at. Within an hour though I'd texted and said I didn't want to fall out. I wanted to sort it out could she phone me when she's calmed down. That was 3 days ago.

Have I acted unreasonably? Am I overreacting about her going through my things /my sisters things/ clothes to be photographed? Should I just be grateful? I honestly feel my privacy has been violated and I dunno if I'm being over dramatic. I need perspective! Help!

OP posts:
purpleteapig · 20/10/2014 08:18

She is completely out of order. Going through someone's belongings and particularly personal mail is an unbelievable invasion of privacy! How would she like it if you did the same to her?

Ohfourfoxache · 20/10/2014 08:20

Holy fuck Shock

Nope, not unreasonable at all (on your part I mean)

I'd have gone ape shit - you obviously have amazing self control to have been able to calm down enough to even speak to her.

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 08:21

Actually - did she open your mail? That's illegal. Or was last time I checked, anyway - it's illegal to open mail that isn't yours. I know where I'd take this but I think you're trying to be too nice to her...

scratchandsniff · 20/10/2014 08:22

Oh my goodness that's completely out of order. I'd be hopping mad and crying hot tears of rage if I was you. What on earth made her think it was OK.

Original poster
Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 08:24

She didn't open the mail just took folder letters out my drawers and smoothed them all out, obv read it though as she made a comment to dh about the amount of lunches on my business bank statement and "no wonder I never lost any weight"

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 20/10/2014 08:24

Ask her if she'd like to come back and help you re-sort the clothes for charity, your sister, the business? As you won't have time to tidy now she's made all this extra work!

Does she even know what she's done?

Get the key and don't talk until she apologises. That way there's no argument. Unbelievable.

splendide · 20/10/2014 08:26

She sounds unhinged.

Does she know you earn twice what your DH does?

clam · 20/10/2014 08:26

She. Did. WHAAAAATTTT?????!!!!!

Holy cow, I would be INCANDESCENT with rage, so no, YANBU.

pictish · 20/10/2014 08:26

Do not back down on this. She is being v unreasonable, and what's more, she knows it...but she'll sit there and wait for you to smooth things over and let it slide, while assuming zero responsibility herself.
Make an example of this, and leave her to simmer.

Eminybob · 20/10/2014 08:27

Oh my god reading this has made my blood boil. I was pissed off enough when my mil let herself into my house and did my dishes. I would have gone spare.

londonrach · 20/10/2014 08:28

Shocked!!!!!!! Yanbu. Has she a history of this before?

TinyTear · 20/10/2014 08:29

I would not tell her the ebay yhings can be sorted, i would ask her to compensate you for the difference in price from tagged and untagged clothes

Ohfourfoxache · 20/10/2014 08:29

What.the.fuck.

How fucking DARE she pass comment on, firstly, what you spend your money on, and secondly, your appearance.

Don't even THINK about trying to patch things up with this bitch. She should be on her fucking knees and crawling with every ounce of regret that she has.

What's the back story here? Does she have form for being a cowbag?

CornChips · 20/10/2014 08:31

YANBU. Her behaviour is appalling.

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 08:32

I'd really like to hear how your DH feels about this too, tbh. Is he apologising for her, or is he angry too?

MorrisZapp · 20/10/2014 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Zamboni · 20/10/2014 08:34

I'd be furious too. And I cant see a way back with someone who thinks this is either appropriate or acceptable. I would want my key back and to have nothing to do with her. If DH wants to see her, he can do it there, but I don't think she would be stepping over my threshold ever again.

Original poster
Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 08:34

I love you ladies!! All my friends were saying id been more than reasonable but you know you wonder if they are just trying to be supportive!! You've really put a smile on my face for the first time since I came back from hols! Give yourselves a pat on the back and go about your days knowing you've really made a difference to mine' mwah!

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 20/10/2014 08:35

If my MIL did this to me I'd hang her out to dry.

Offensive and rude on so many levels. You are not being the slightest bit unreasonable.

What does DH have to say?

Kab13 · 20/10/2014 08:37

Thank you for making my mil look a bit less crazy!
What a weird thing to do? Are you sure dh hasn't said anything to her about "having to clean up after you" seems like a random comment for her to make?
But either way, she's crazy. That's crazy. You're ANBUI!

ApocalypseNowt · 20/10/2014 08:37

YANBU. She sounds unhinged.

Ohfourfoxache · 20/10/2014 08:38

Sweetheart, in the nicest possible way, listen to your friends - they sound normal and grounded, not just supportive. They will know a hell of a lot of the back story - if it's anything at all like the above then I bet they're stewing on your behalf x

BogStandardOldWoman · 20/10/2014 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HamishBamish · 20/10/2014 08:43

I think you've been more than reasonable! How dare she go into your house and go through your things. Make sure you get the keys off her pronto or change the locks.

Your DH also needs to speak to her and ensure she knows he's on your side. If she doesn't get in touch and apologise profusely I would be cutting all contact tbh.

ShadowKat · 20/10/2014 08:44

YANBU.

This is completely overstepping any normal boundaries. I would be furious with anyone who did this. This was extremely intrusive.

Also, whether your house is messy is none of her business, and neither is your spending habits. Whether you're spending your DH's money or vice versa is no one's business but yours and your DH's.