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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu big fallout with mil

150 replies

Noodlesg · 20/10/2014 07:59

I'll start by saying I'm pretty messy, my house is clean (we have a dog so floors are hoovered /steam cleaned every day) but def messy, it's big so sometimes we just throw everything in one room so it looks tidy!

Anyway while I was on holiday my m-i-l cAme over and went through ALL my things, bags of clothes for the charity shop were washed and hung up on my wardrobe. A bag of holiday clothes my sister had given me to try on in case I wanted to borrow them were washed and hung up, thing taken from my drawers and hung up, a bag of clothes I had to photograph for ebay (not mine I do this as part of my job) have had the tags cut off and hung up. My bank statements taken out the envelopes and smoothed out A4 and layed out on top of my chest of drawers, medical letters laid out... You get the gist.

I felt sick when I came home from what had been a great holiday, we aren't close at all she'd asked for a key cause she was worried about security while we were away.

I'm maybe being overly dramatic here but I was crying! (I'm not easily upset) I think because she's pretty mean spirited and judgemental so I imagined her thinking badly of me as she did it!

Anyway when I calmed down I thought it best to phone and sort it out, I started off with "I know you were probably just trying to help, but I'm really upset you've gone through my things, I'm really private and..." At which point she started screaming that she's fed up of me being so messy, fed up of her son having to clean up after me (laughable!) and fed up of me wasting his money on all those clothes with tags still on (1. They were for eBay, 2. If I'm being pedantic I earn twice what her son does ;) I hung up as I wasn't bring shouted at. Within an hour though I'd texted and said I didn't want to fall out. I wanted to sort it out could she phone me when she's calmed down. That was 3 days ago.

Have I acted unreasonably? Am I overreacting about her going through my things /my sisters things/ clothes to be photographed? Should I just be grateful? I honestly feel my privacy has been violated and I dunno if I'm being over dramatic. I need perspective! Help!

OP posts:

outofcontrol2014 · 22/10/2014 08:58

... which is why I said 'YADNBU' - 'you are definitely NOT being unreasonable'.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 22/10/2014 09:03

When I broke up with my ex, we were going to keep the house as a joint investment and rent it out. My ex hadn't lived there for a while. It was just my home at that point.

Just after I'd moved out to rented, started a new job, and in the process of clearing the house out, MIL broke in. Like drilled the lock through to take a picture back (that I'd left for ex to pic up) and went through everything, including opening all that weeks post. I was incandescent.

I sold the house. Never regretted it :)

Original poster

Noodlesg · 22/10/2014 09:04

She's too angry with my untidiness and the fact she says I look down my nose at her(???) not true btw, to speak to me!! So no, no apology soon it seems

OP posts:

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 22/10/2014 09:12

My mil goes in to the dcs rooms to check they are clean when she visits. She pops her head into mine too the nosy twat.

ScarletFever · 22/10/2014 09:16

Does sound a bit odd to go through so much, taking tags off etc

Redhead11 · 22/10/2014 09:22

i lost the plot with DF one time that he was going into the house to feed the hamsters while we were on holiday. I had left some clothes (folded) on my bed that i had decided not to take with me. He took them away, washed them, ironed them and put them back. He couldn't understand why i was angry that he had been in my bedroom. He was 'just checking the windows' - which could be seen the moment he approached the house as they were at the front! Plus, he managed to shrink a jumper and he'd used washing powder that i was highly allergic to! i would have gone even more ballistic if he had opened my mail, or looked at it when it was already open and still in an envelope! Tell her to fuck right off, OP and forget about being civil. She doesn't deserve your civility.

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 22/10/2014 09:22

My MIL used to nose about, dh gave her a key too. It was horrible, she would even read confidential notes about my clients (vulnerable children, yes I was supposed to have them at home), and then ask me about them! No shame. There were no depths she didn't aspire to plumb.

It's a horrible thing to say, but she is now completely demented, and much easier to deal with.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/10/2014 09:24

Good lord! I don't know how people put up with MILs like this. If mine had ever done anything like this I would have torn her to shreds!

Who in their right mind does this?

JudgeJudy79 · 22/10/2014 10:22

Leave a strap on for any nosey mil to find. They will know for sure their sons getting fcuked over then

bananaleaf · 22/10/2014 10:44

She's angry?! That made me laugh! She doesn't get to be angry in this situation!
Never ceases to amaze me what people consider to be their business (the so called untidiness) and that they know what other people are thinking (the so called looking down the nose)
You sound so confident OP as though you've already risen above it

HaroldLloyd · 22/10/2014 10:47

I would give it her both barrels.

Tell her you earn twice as much and the clothes she has been man handling were STOCK.

what does your DH say, not been whinging to her has he?

captainmummy · 22/10/2014 10:50

Apols, outofcontrol - i read I think your MIL probably did this out of kindness, thinking that it would be lovely for you to come back to a tidy house and expecting a bouquet and a thank you. and assumed you were on her side!

OP - she is angry at your untidiness? WTAF has it got to do with her? I'm untidy too - maybe she shuold try coming here to tidy up and sneak through my banking?

BettyFocker · 22/10/2014 10:58

Fuck me, I'm livid on your behalf!

She wanted to be a nosey cow and has tried to cover it up by being "helpful". She only tidied up so she can have a good root through your things and pass comment. And she had the perfect opportunity to do it while you were away. Funny she wants to be so helpful yet hasn't offered to come over any other time and give you a hand which I would have said no to anyway but waits until you're going away and has the perfect excuse to get your key and rifle through your things at her leisure.

If anyone did this to me, MIL, DM, anyone, they would not be welcome in my home anymore.

Original poster

Noodlesg · 22/10/2014 11:03

Actually Bettyfocker, I'd never thought about the fact that she'd never offered to come and give me a hand just waited till I was out, thats an excellent point that if she ever develops the aptitude for rational discussion I'll point out! At this stage it looks like that'll never happen!

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 22/10/2014 11:04

Fuck being rational.

Aliennation · 22/10/2014 11:04

There was a very funny MIL thread on here ages ago where DIL was sure MIL was going through drawers when babysitting. All sorts of pranks were suggested, glitter bombs anyone? Eventually she went for leaving emigration info in a drawer, it worked but there was a massive fall out iirc.
You definitely need to get your key back OP, line has been well and truly crossed.

outofcontrol2014 · 22/10/2014 11:52

captain my bad - I should have been clearer. I meant to say 'she probably didn't mean badly, but it was intrusive and super-super-infuriating all the same'.

These people often think they are 'helping' or 'teaching a lesson' to someone they perceive as untidy when actually they have no boundaries and are inflicting their own way of life on others.

ModernToss · 22/10/2014 11:53

I think the snidey commenting on the bank statements etcetera would make me even more angry than the snooping/cleaning.

It just cements it, somehow.

KatieKaye · 22/10/2014 12:23

Apart from being rude and interfering she has violated your trust and is wholly unrepentant.
And yet is trying to make out you behave unreasonably, virtually forcing her to act in this way.
She sounds awful

knickernicker · 22/10/2014 12:35

Don't back down, don't try to get on her good side. She wants the drama, she wants you to beg. She is wrong, you're not. Restrict contact from now and change your locks as she probably has had they key copied by now.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 22/10/2014 12:49

Oh wow .

And I was cross that MIL had come round while I was at work (and DH at home with the DCs) to iron his work shirts for him because she didn't think it was "fair" for him to have to do his own after being at work all week! (I work more hours than DH & iron for myself & 3 DCs by the way). Nothing whatsoever by comparison!

Just how dare she! You are being way calmer than I would be OP. Just be careful she doesn't bully you into apologising just to keep the peace!

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 22/10/2014 17:59

If you give in this time, then she will see it as a victory which wouldn't matter if you've got the locks changed, but she will push your boundaries a bit further next time. So you have to stick to your guns, present a hard solid line which she cannot cross.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 22/10/2014 18:17

Can't add much to the excellent advice OP, but you might like to have a word with you work about criminal damage to the clothes. If they were valuable enough to be claimed on insurance, they'll need an incident number. At that point, Plod will want a word with MIL.

I'm afraid that only direct terror works with these people, who are otherwise lost in a world where they're never ever wrong.

In my case, I had to show DM a knife, to persuade her you can't beat people round the head just because you gave birth to them.

Sunnymeg · 22/10/2014 18:33

This was just the sort of caper my MIL used to get up to. Go non contact, it is the only way to keep your sanity. I was very young when I got married and she interfered in absolutely everything. DH didn't want to stand up to her, so I did, but it took me five years to do so.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/10/2014 19:52

At that point, Plod will want a word with MIL

I hate to say this, but I very much doubt that would work either ... MIL would probably ramp things up to the point of hysteria, claiming that OP had told the police a pack of lies and was out to destroy her

As you rightly said, in their own minds people like this are never - can never - be wrong

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