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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be worried about this premature baby?

136 replies

Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:34

A woman I have gotten to know at a playgroup I go to has recently had her second DC very early. Baby is very small, not yet 4lb but doing well and set to come home in the next week.

The mother is clearly very lonely. To be honest I gave her a bit of a wide berth at first as she's desperate for attention and always talks about herself/her kids turning every part of anyone's conversation back to herself somehow. She has recently moved to the area and has no friends or family so I offered help when she had her premature baby as I knew she was under a lot of stress.

Now baby is due to come home next week she is talking about next week having two kids with her at playgroup. I'm really worried that it's a really bad idea for her to bring such a tiny baby to a place that is inevitably rife with germs and snotty toddlers.

I have no experience at all of premature babies but it seems to me that since children aren't even allowed to visit the baby in hospital due to risk of infection that this is a really unwise move. I know she will be keen to come and show her off and have lots of attention.

Baby has just started feeding on her own but is still so tiny.

AIBU to be really worried about this? Should I gently suggest to her that maybe she should wait a while?

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 17/10/2014 21:43

Her doctors will tell her what is safe and not for her baby. You could help by offering to take her older DC to play group, but otherwise I think you should let her make her own choices

PiperIsOrange · 17/10/2014 21:46

Very experienced with premature births.

Nieces 1) 8 weeks 2) 5 weeks 3) 9 weeks
nephews 1) 8.5 weeks 2) 4 weeks 3) 7 weeks.

No way would any one risk it. I bet she is aiming for some normality.

Sbcu is hell on earth, the nurses and doctors are fantastic. I experience never leaves you and this is from an auntie POV. My sibling still haven't got over the whole experience

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:46

I know the docs will advise her but to be honest I can't see her listening to them. I usually like to take the view that a mum will know what's best for her baby (within reason) but this is concerning me.

As I said I have no experience of premature babies so don't know if I'm actually right to be concerned.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 17/10/2014 21:48

"I have no experience with premature babies"

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:50

Ok. Thanks for that.

OP posts:
teeththief · 17/10/2014 21:52

I know she will be keen to come and show her off and have lots of attention

Or maybe she just wants some company after a stressful few weeks and hasn't thought it through?

northernlurker · 17/10/2014 21:52

The poor woman. You know she's lonely - can you not see why she wants to bring both to the group? Because after the trauma of the birth she needs company and normality. She does NOT need her choices being judged by you. either get on side - and perhaps offer to come round to her so she doesn't have to go out OR back off altogether, which includes fretting about matters beyond your ken.

PiperIsOrange · 17/10/2014 21:54

The truth is when baby comes home you are petrified

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:55

I'm really not judging her, I know she is the way she is because she is so lonely. I was actually considering offering to come to see her instead. I came on here first because I don't know if it is actually a bad idea for her to bring small baby to the playgroup. I'm worrying because I care not because I'm trying to be a bitch.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 17/10/2014 21:55

How about phrasing it as a question. "Have the doctors said that its safe for her to be around so many people then?" Something like that maybe to see if she's considered it.
I think it's a bit early and wouldn't do it myself with such a young baby but I'm not sure how much you can do. She'll do what she thinks is best.

LEMmingaround · 17/10/2014 21:56

Do you honestly think the hospital will send a premie home before it is ready to be exposed to "germs"

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:58

LEM there's no need to be like that, I've said in my posts I genuinely don't know. But thanks for your input Hmm

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 17/10/2014 22:00

Sorry. Posting on phone.

douchbag · 17/10/2014 22:02

They normally advise to stay indoors for 2 weeks when first discharged. If the baby has only just started feeding it will be a couple of weeks yet before home. Plus where I work the parents normally stay overnight a few times b4 home

Goldmandra · 17/10/2014 22:02

Do you honestly think the hospital will send a premie home before it is ready to be exposed to "germs"

Home with close family and limited social interactions isn't quite the same as a toddler group though, is it?

wheresthelight · 17/10/2014 22:03

either support the poor woman or leave her the hell alone!! with friends like you who the heck needs enemies!!

the doctors wouldn't allow the baby home if it wasn't safe to be around germs etc.

SoonToBeSix · 17/10/2014 22:03

I would never have taken my premature twins to a toddler group straight out of hospital. However it's not really any of your business where she takes her baby.

Stripylikeatiger · 17/10/2014 22:03

I personally wouldn't take such a tiny baby to a group but if the mum has no friends or family then the group could well be the only adult company she gets all day. She already has a toddler so she can't avoid toddler germs altogether.

I find it annoying that parents take their snotty toddlers to groups, it's not like nursery where the parents have to go to work, if parents just missed a week when their kids had a cold then premature babies and children with compromised immune systems wouldn't have to avoid the group altogether.

wooooosualsuspect · 17/10/2014 22:04

How about letting her make her own choices.

LEMmingaround · 17/10/2014 22:05

Just trying to say if the baby has been sent home then they are provably happy her it to be out and about.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 17/10/2014 22:05

My prem ds was allowed out too early LEM still weighing under 4lb.

He was back in less than two weeks later. Just saying.

Op, she'll be desperate for some normality and might not have thought it through (too excited to have baby home too). I'd say 'what can I do to help whilst you're holed up at home wwith ds being so little? ' if you feel able to help.

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 22:05

wheresthelight fgs I'm trying to support her, that's why I'm worried as I don't want her baby to be sick?! What have I done that's so bad? I came on here to try to get some more understanding of premature babies before maybe suggesting to her that we visit her instead.

OP posts:
lougle · 17/10/2014 22:06

It can be supportive to be concerned!

Karoleann · 17/10/2014 22:07

Why don't you offer/ask to visit her next week when playgroup would be on?

Mention at the time, you'd like to see the new baby, but you don't want him/her to be a toddler with all the germs around.

She's probably a really difficult time for her at the moment and its making her rather needy.

christinarossetti · 17/10/2014 22:09

Is it possible for you to offer to take her older child to playgroup, or would you be able to offer her to come to your house/you to hers?

Being at home with 2 little ones is exhausting. The baby will be/need feeding constantly. Sounds like she's still in some sort of shock from the premature birth etc and hasn't really processed what's happened.

Anyone would need a helping hand in that situation.