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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be worried about this premature baby?

136 replies

Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:34

A woman I have gotten to know at a playgroup I go to has recently had her second DC very early. Baby is very small, not yet 4lb but doing well and set to come home in the next week.

The mother is clearly very lonely. To be honest I gave her a bit of a wide berth at first as she's desperate for attention and always talks about herself/her kids turning every part of anyone's conversation back to herself somehow. She has recently moved to the area and has no friends or family so I offered help when she had her premature baby as I knew she was under a lot of stress.

Now baby is due to come home next week she is talking about next week having two kids with her at playgroup. I'm really worried that it's a really bad idea for her to bring such a tiny baby to a place that is inevitably rife with germs and snotty toddlers.

I have no experience at all of premature babies but it seems to me that since children aren't even allowed to visit the baby in hospital due to risk of infection that this is a really unwise move. I know she will be keen to come and show her off and have lots of attention.

Baby has just started feeding on her own but is still so tiny.

AIBU to be really worried about this? Should I gently suggest to her that maybe she should wait a while?

OP posts:
theonlygothinthevillage · 18/10/2014 11:11

I'm pretty shocked by the amount of people saying not to interfere (when the 'interference' could just involve making a polite comment. Parents don't always know what's best for their children, and the baby is helpless. In anywhere other than a highly individualistic Western country, showing concern for someone else's baby wouldn't be interfering.

You could say something like, 'You must be worried about exposing the baby to all the germs here, so if you're keen on some company without taking that risk, I could pop over for an hour of you like?'

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 18/10/2014 12:19

Hi there,

We've had a few reports about this thread, and can see the OP has had a number of unnecessarily harsh comments come her way.

This is a gentle reminder that AIBU isn't meant to be a free-for-all. We'd like it to be a place where folk can ask for genuine third-party insight into their dilemmas, or for crowd-checking their own responses.

Please go easy on each other!

Thank you Thanks

MrsDeVere · 18/10/2014 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

m0therofdragons · 18/10/2014 16:38

I'm actually wondering how many mothers judged me for taking my tiny prem twins out when they were little. I find the suggestions that she shouldn't attend any groups for the baby's first winter worrying. Many people have older dc then prem babies. We take them to the shops, we take them to open spaces, we may need to do the school run. This poor woman just wants to socialise, entertain her toddler and show off her baby - which is normal and what most new mothers want to do! Her baby may be prem but that doesn't mean she has breathing problems or other health issues.
Tbh I would be devastated if someone was pretending to be my friend but coming on here talking about her how you are.

EdithWeston · 18/10/2014 16:51

"She hasn't bought her child to play group."

According to the opening post, that's because they are not expecting discharge until next week.

You don't have to like someone to realise they may need some extra support when life throws the unexpected at them, nor be helpful only to those you think are socially competent.

I expect OP has got the idea that not all preemies require the same measures. But I hope she's not abandoned the idea of making efforts to be in touch, ease the loneliness and be alert for practical things she could do (especially with the toddler).

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 18/10/2014 17:13

I came on here to get the opinions of people who have been through it who could let me know if my concerns are viable or not. I now know that it's hard to tell unless I know all the ins and outs. I of course know a few bits here and there that she has told me but as I have said countless times I'm by no means an expert.

I do not judge her. Yes i gave her a wide berth at first as her lack of social skills made it hard to be around her, but as we are both regulars at this group (and it's not just a stay and play it's much more of a close knit group) I have gotten to understand her better and just accept that she has quirks (who doesn't). I only brought it up because I feel her desperation to be around people may be relevant to why she wants to come to the playgroup.

I in no way ever intended to tell her how to parent.

Thankyou for the helpful responses I did get.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 18/10/2014 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 18/10/2014 18:56

But MrsDeVere if I had waited until it actually happened, it would have been too late (assuming my concerns had been justified). Isn't that the whole point?

If somebody told you they were going to do something you thought to be dangerous would you not be concerned?

OP posts:
AryaOfHouseSnark · 18/10/2014 19:00

How premature is her baby angel feet ?

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 18/10/2014 19:02

Her due date was towards the end of next month and she was born almost 3 weeks ago (sorry that isn't that specific)

OP posts:
AryaOfHouseSnark · 18/10/2014 19:18

So she is looking to spend 4 weeks in SCBU, it's unlikely she was extremely premature or ventilated then. my 30 weekers were in for 5 and as I mentioned up thread the advice we were given was to treat them as "normal babies".

I have lots of friends with prem babies, only a couple of them have been re admitted to hospital, and they were 23 and 25 weekers. Funnily enough I know more term babies who have been rushed to hospital with RSV, some babies pick up bugs, some don't.
If you're looking to support her, why don't you offer the usual shopping or cooked meal for the freezer, I found that really helpful.

MrsDeVere · 18/10/2014 19:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantanaLopez · 18/10/2014 19:37

Stop being so nasty, MrsdeVere, she was only asking.

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 18/10/2014 19:39

I give up lol I won't be posting again on this thread

OP posts:
DreamerOfStars · 18/10/2014 19:47

Another thought...

If she's just returned home with a prem baby, her house could be in a state/ upside down/ hazard area (thinks back to early days with dcs Blush. She might be craving company, but not dare invite anyone to hers.

I could be way off the mark! Could you invite her to yours? Not the germs of a baby group, but also getting her out of her house. I was desperate to get out!

PiggyontheRailway · 18/10/2014 19:49

OP I think you are trying to help but think your initial post could be read as you don't think much of this women you seem to have befriended out of pity. I think although it my come from a good place I think in this case there might be a fine line between having genuine concerns and offering support and being a bit patronising.
Please do not think I'm having a go as I'm not but if you do decide to say something I'd be aware of how it come across.

10storeylovesong · 18/10/2014 20:00

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Withdrawn at poster's request

MrsDeVere · 18/10/2014 20:07

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aermingers · 18/10/2014 20:18

I totally agree with you Mrs De Vere. The whole thing smacks of passive aggression.

vestandknickers · 18/10/2014 20:24

Everything Mrs De Vere said.

MrsDeVere · 18/10/2014 20:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantanaLopez · 18/10/2014 20:34

Well, it's my opinion that you are being nasty, and I reserve the right to call you out on it.

OP was asking for advice not a character assassination.

MrsDeVere · 18/10/2014 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantanaLopez · 18/10/2014 20:45

No, I'm not confusing you with anyone. There is absolutely no need to talk about the OP like that. She posted out of concern. So what if it was misjudged?

vestandknickers · 18/10/2014 20:46

Mrs De Vere hasn't been nasty at all.

I had a premmie and would have been mortified to have had someone like OP "worrying" about me.