To be worried about this premature baby?

[Twoangelfeet]

A woman I have gotten to know at a playgroup I go to has recently had her second DC very early. Baby is very small, not yet 4lb but doing well and set to come home in the next week.

The mother is clearly very lonely. To be honest I gave her a bit of a wide berth at first as she's desperate for attention and always talks about herself/her kids turning every part of anyone's conversation back to herself somehow. She has recently moved to the area and has no friends or family so I offered help when she had her premature baby as I knew she was under a lot of stress.

Now baby is due to come home next week she is talking about next week having two kids with her at playgroup. I'm really worried that it's a really bad idea for her to bring such a tiny baby to a place that is inevitably rife with germs and snotty toddlers.

I have no experience at all of premature babies but it seems to me that since children aren't even allowed to visit the baby in hospital due to risk of infection that this is a really unwise move. I know she will be keen to come and show her off and have lots of attention.

Baby has just started feeding on her own but is still so tiny.

AIBU to be really worried about this? Should I gently suggest to her that maybe she should wait a while?

Christ. I don't know why I've got so many people's backs up and not sure I deserve the nasty posts.

I came on here for advice because I am admitting to not know anything about premature babies so wasn't sure if my concerns were even correct. I've gotten some useful replies in regards to that so thankyou to those posters.

I'm not 'butting in' at all. I haven't even said anything to this mother. I'm concerned because I know how lonely she is and I wouldn't want her to put her baby at risk because of this. Which is why I considered asking to visit her instead.

And of course I'm not 'jealous' of somebody who's had an extremely stressful time with a toddler and an originally very sick baby. What a ridiculous thing to say.

I brought up the fact that she's very desperate for attention because it stems from her being very lonely which I worry would be why she's so set on coming back to playgroup. No judgement, it's just how it is.

The prem baby experience is harrowing, I had my two at 32 and 35 weeks. My DD was back in hospital after a week and both had issues with feeding, reflux, weight...list goes on.
I would not have taken them to a playgroup in the first few weeks, no.
I would second the suggestion of reaching out to her, arrange a visit so her older DC can play with yours maybe...take some biscuits for coffee and have a chat. She must be feeling pretty rough after the experience. It's kind of you to think about her, I am sure she will welcome the company. I was a lonely mum back then too, no family in this country and only a few friends.

To all the people who are insisting that the mother knows what she is going and will have thought about the germs at toddler group etc. - how do you know this? You have never met the woman, the OP has.

There are parents around who lack basic common sense and who make bad decisions for themselves and for their DC, sometimes adults who are vulnerable for some reason, sometimes adults who just appear not to care and who consistently put their own needs before their DC's needs.

From the OP's description, the woman demonstrates poor social skills, doesn't appear to have any support around her and is desperately lonely. Surely it is okay to sometimes look at a situation like that and wonder if the person needs advice or extra help?

If everyone took the approach that they didn't want to 'interfere' that would make many situations worse than they already are.

Perhaps the mother genuinely hasn't thought about the risks? Maybe she has been told but hasn't taken any notice because she is lonely and overwhelmed. For the OP to spell it out a bit certainly isn't being horrible, especially when the woman doesn't have other friends/family who will come to see her and offer advice.

FWIW OP this "To be honest I gave her a bit of a wide berth at first as she's desperate for attention and always talks about herself/her kids turning every part of anyone's conversation back to herself somehow." and this gem "I know she will be keen to come and show her off and have lots of attention." don't paint you in the best of lights to a reader.

It's written in a way that comes off a bit snidey, judgy and slightly jealous rather than concerned.

If you are genuinely concerned about that fact that she could be struggling on her own with a toddler and premie baby, I would offer to go to her and help out if she needs it. But if she decides otherwise I would assume that as the mother she knows best and keep your opinions on it to yourself.

Some of these posts are so nasty, again, just because someone is posting on AIBU does not mean they are inviting all kinds of nasty comments. Had a very similar experience myself with this lately.

OP, I would simply say to her something along the lines of 'will DC be ok at playgroup after being in NICU? If it's easier for you I can come and visit you?'

You'll come across as being helpful rather than judgmental, IMO, but you know the woman better than us.

I mentioned her poor social skills and keenness to get attention because I know that in part it's because she's very lonely which I worry will cloud her judgement. I don't judge her for it because I've gotten to know her better.

Relatives of mine with a 2lb premature baby (at birth) did similar when their DC was discharged from hospital, they were at pubs, cafés, groups right away. Not my place to say anything.

As she has another child the baby will be exposed to all sorts anyway.

My premmie was discharged from nicu/scbu this summer, weighing under 4 pounds. We were not given any specific advice about keeping her away from crowds, etc but chose to anyway until she reached the size of a normal newborn. We did go out and use public transport a bit but at quieter times.

If she is lacking support she might feel that taking the risk is right for her.

Our friends had a premature baby, and were advised to avoid baby groups and crowded places for the winter virus season. I suspect the SCBU team will be able to give her advice based on her particular circumstances.

But people have been very unkind to you here, you were merely concerned, and I'm sure in light of the more helpful responses you'll be able to be kind and supportive to your friend.

Premature babies lungs are fairly fragile for a while. The RSV virus can have serious implications for a preemie whereas in adults it merely produces a common cold type illness.

I wouldn't take a preemie to a playgroup at all during the baby's first winter, in fact we were specifically advised against it and our daughter had monthly Synagis injections to protect against it for her first two winters.

I don't think you are being interfering OP.

I haven't rtft, but will add my bit anyway.
My dts were 30 weekers, when we got them home (at 5 weeks old) they were just over 4lbs. We were told by SCBU nurses and neonatologist that they were fine to take out and about, that once they were discharged they were healthy enough to be in the community. There are Exceptions of course, especially with micro preemies or babies that have been ventilated and have chronic lung disease, obviously they're the ones who are more likely to pick up everything and it will have a bigger impact on them.

I think the offering to go and visit her, or go to somewhere quiet for coffee would be the best approach. Give her much needed company but without going to baby group.

Tbh I wouldn't want to take any newborn to a baby group at this time of year, but I admit due to bad experience I am paranoid about RSV!

My son was discharged from Neonatal 11 weeks old weighing 3lb 4oz.
I had no choice but to be out and about with him from day one though I must admit to keeping the rain cover on in the supermarket!

Yanbu to be ~quietly~ concerned but its exactly what wonderingcloud said. You seem to judge this lady unnecessarily. I tend to do exactly the same thing as her when I talk to people. It's not because I want attention It's because I have terrible social anxiety, I panic and just ramble about the only thing I can think of which is me and my dc.
Reading your OP, it just made me feel like you don't really like, or maybe understand her enough to be wadeing in there with advice for her and her new baby. I'm sure doctors and nurses will arm her with all the advice available and like most parents, she'll do what she thinks is best for her child.

OP you sound like a good friend to be concerned. I wish I had had a friend like you last year bringing my 29 weeker home.
Different people in the nnu give different advice and it also depends on a babies gestational age.
But it's RSV season in most people it's just a mild cold but to a prem baby it can mean back in hospital having help to breath.
Perhaps if she took baby along in a sling and didn't let it be held or past around her toddler could have a run around and play whilst the baby snuggles in.

The doctors will advise her on what's appropriate. It might be fine to take the baby out - but you don't have the knowledge to advise one way or the other.

I find it hard to believe that she'd risk her baby's health by taking it out if she's been categorically told not to.

By all means visit, bring food, etc, but it's not your place to interfere with her decision.

My ealiest was born at 32 weeks, he came out of hospital at 4lbs. The hv came round to the house to weigh him for the first 4 weeks as going to baby group was not a good idea in the begining. I wouldnt have taken him to play group

She already has an older dc I presume as she's toddler group?
When I got home from scbu with my prem dtds I couldn't have just sat at home trying to feed them while entertaining my toddler. My toddler also did a morning a week at nursery so would have bought lots of germs home. We also went to baby groups. Hv actually encouraged me to go out as pnd is very high in mums of prem babies.
Do you think she's talking about her self as she didn't know enough about the others to talk about them?

It sounds like you feel concerned for her... But you also don't like her very much. The posts read a little as though you were hoping others would condemn her for even considering bringing such a tiny baby to group.

I think it would probably be better for the baby if they can spend the winter away from sources of germs, but if the mum is at her wits' end with a toddler climbing the walls, I can see why she would want to go out.

How about taking her toddler to the group once a week and arranging a rota of people to visit her at home or at non-playgroup things (eg local library and any other places which are less densely populated by snotty toddlers) for the remainder of the winter? That could be a lifesaver for this poor lady. Maybe if people could drop in to see her at home for a coffee while their children are at nursery/school?

Ultimately though, she makes the decisions about her children. She has just had a horrible time, and it would be nice if her community could help her through it.

I wouldn't chance it but the doctors may tell her about avoiding places with a lot of children because of the risk of RSV this time of year. We were advised against it.

Op I'm sorry for saying 'mind your own damn business' so rudely last night.

I do think it really is none of you business though. Having a premature baby is hard enough without having people trying to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing every five minutes.

Unless you've every spend time in a NICU with your own child you really have no idea what it is like.

My huge 10+ pound 42 week baby caught rs virus and was hospitalised with it, he very nearly lost his life, when he was rushed into a+e even the drs and nurses were saying to each other "have you seen how grey this baby is? It doesn't look good" :(

We didn't go to any baby or toddler groups, he was my first so he wasn't around toddlers at all. I imagine he picked rsv up when we went to the shops or on the bus or at the weighing clinic. It is unfortunately impossible to avoid germs.

I feel terrified of my next baby catching rsv but I can't keep my older dc contained in the house. A family history of asthma increases the risk of rsv, I have a friend who's baby was premature, her baby also caught rsv but wasn't very ill at all, she thankfully didn't have to go to hospital despite weighing half as much as my dc.