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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be worried about this premature baby?

136 replies

Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:34

A woman I have gotten to know at a playgroup I go to has recently had her second DC very early. Baby is very small, not yet 4lb but doing well and set to come home in the next week.

The mother is clearly very lonely. To be honest I gave her a bit of a wide berth at first as she's desperate for attention and always talks about herself/her kids turning every part of anyone's conversation back to herself somehow. She has recently moved to the area and has no friends or family so I offered help when she had her premature baby as I knew she was under a lot of stress.

Now baby is due to come home next week she is talking about next week having two kids with her at playgroup. I'm really worried that it's a really bad idea for her to bring such a tiny baby to a place that is inevitably rife with germs and snotty toddlers.

I have no experience at all of premature babies but it seems to me that since children aren't even allowed to visit the baby in hospital due to risk of infection that this is a really unwise move. I know she will be keen to come and show her off and have lots of attention.

Baby has just started feeding on her own but is still so tiny.

AIBU to be really worried about this? Should I gently suggest to her that maybe she should wait a while?

OP posts:
Annunziata · 17/10/2014 22:09

Just tell her one of the toddlers has D and V, and would she like to come to your house instead?

Original poster
Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 22:11

I've offered babysitting etc when she has to go to the hospital because I know she must be having such a stressful time.

So the general consensus is that it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the baby to playgroup?

I of course wouldn't dream of barging in and telling her how to parent, I just wondered if I should gently offer her some alternatives so she's not completely alone but also not exposing the baby to too many risks of infection.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 17/10/2014 22:12

no you are second guessing and judging her. that isn't the same as supporting her

AWhistlingWoman · 17/10/2014 22:12

My experience. DD2 born just over 16 weeks prematurely. Released from hospital care on oxygen in January. These babies can be fragile and it is only thanks to medical advances such as home oxygen that some preemies can be discharged Lem so it isn't as simple as the hospital wouldn't discharge them if they can't be exposed to 'germs.'

www.bliss.org.uk/help-for-families/video8/common-winter-illnesses/respiratory-syncytial-virus-rsv/

The NHS spent a considerable sum of money to offer my DD2 an RSV jab. It is not just me being fussy! A dose of RSV could have done for DD2. She came home at 4lb 5 after a four month stay in hospital.

I was advised to keep my DD away from baby groups over the winter months. But it wasn't banned as such! It's the mother's decision, she will have been informed of the dangers and it is up to her really. YANBU to be worried but I would let her make her own choices.

OMGtwins · 17/10/2014 22:13

Our babies (twins) came home very small (4lbs) after 8 & 12 weeks in nicu at this time last year. They were born 10 weeks early but had no major issues other than being small. We were petrified, but came to realise they were just smaller versions of normal newborns.

That said, it took us a while to get to that, and our nicu doctors advised us to stay away from crowded places like shopping centres and places where the air was recirculated by air conditioning for their first winter to protect them from things like whooping cough and bronchiolitis. We also didn't let anyone with a cold anywhere near them.

Even though we did this they still got a couple of colds and they were just fine apart from a few sniffles. Also if this mum has a toddler her preemie will catch everything from the toddler anyway.

Hth :)

Mousybrown · 17/10/2014 22:13

My twins were 10 weeks early but when they were released I was advised to treat them as I would any other babies.....so I took them to toddlers groups along with my 2 year old. They were subsequently readmitted with the RSv virus but they could have picked this up anywhere......there are germs all over the 'outside world'. I know of other parents of prem babies who have done the same...I really don't see the problem.....once they are released they are generally deemed ok to be out and about.

AWhistlingWoman · 17/10/2014 22:16

Twoangelfeet I think you are very kind to be concerned. I'm sorry that you seem to be getting a bit of a bashing on this thread.

I think it really does depend on how premature your friend's baby was, what his or her health issues are and the risks that your friend is prepared to take. If you want to understand more about premature babies please visit www.bliss.org.uk

MumsKnitter · 17/10/2014 22:17

Jeez. What's with the negative posts? I think you sound caring and nice OP, and are just wondering if there is an issue here or not. It would seem that most people wouldn't choose to take such a tiny baby to a toddler group, and that normal advice is to stay indoors for two weeks on discharge.

I suggest you do your best to support her by (as others have said) offering to visit her at home, and taking her older DC to the group for a couple of weeks. You could mention "to protect DC2 from all the germs at toddler group whilst they are newly out of hospital" when you make this offer. If she still chooses to take the baby after this, then you have to respect her decision at that point. It doesn't sound like she's thought it through tbh.

AWhistlingWoman · 17/10/2014 22:18

Mousy and OMGtwins aren't wrong you see. Just that babies born at 30+ weeks gestation are generally a bit of a different ball game to babies born at 23/24 gestations like DD2. It really is all down to the medical history of your friend's child and only immediate family probably know enough detail to make a call on an issue like this.

Singmetosleepzzz · 17/10/2014 22:19

When my son was discharged from hospital we were advised to keep him away from crowded places for 6 months and we didn't take him out the house for a month (apart from some emergency ambulance trips back to hospital). I totally understand your concerns and would probably assume that your friend hasn't yet had it all explained to her about what is and isn't appropriate. I think your idea of helping her would be lovely and think it is not OTT or judgemental.

Essexgirlupnorth · 17/10/2014 22:23

I know of one blogger that had prem twins who basically holed themselves in their house the babies first winter and refused visitors to protect them from viruses.
It is up to her but she might find her baby ends up in hospital with something nasty. Must be hard with an older child though.

xalyssx · 17/10/2014 22:26

DS2 was born at 24 weeks, and came home on oxygen. The day after he came home we went shopping. The next week we went to bounce and rhyme at the library, and went on an hour long bus journey to meet up with some friends.

Mama1980 · 17/10/2014 22:27

My two sons were born at 26 and 24 weeks respectively. I was advised with both to stay away from crowds, air conditioned places, supermarkets etc for about 6 weeks. This was only a suggestion though. Both were under 5 lbs when they came home, my eldest on oxygen. Tbh I wouldn't have dreamt of taking either to a playgroup, so soon, it was too terrifying, especially with my eldest a infection could have spelled disaster.
My heart goes out to the poor woman, as yours clearly does too. It's a hideous and isolating time, I expect she is just desperate for something normal and for something to be normal for her baby, I would suggest popping round, or offering too meet somewhere else.

SpottedTent · 17/10/2014 22:31

My 25 weeker was kept away from groups for about a month which took us out of the winter virus season. Even those of my group who followed suit still found themselves getting readmitted...

Ultimately, it's up to the individual but four months in hospital and an overwhelming fear of infection was a good deterrent for me. Yes, I was the freak mother who made visitors wash their hands and I make no apology for that. Generally she juggles knives now....

OP it's nice that you care, but you've already said she won't be listening to the doctors. Offer your support but leave her to it would be my advice.

Methe · 17/10/2014 22:36

Having family that have had premature babies is not quite the same as going
through it yourself.

I was out and about immediately with my 27 wk who was 4lb6 when discharged. I also had a 4 year old in reception, my house was germ central.

Mind you own damn business.

RJnomore · 17/10/2014 22:36

I had a 32 weeker and when she came home from hospital three weeks later she was ready for life, she went everywhere.

The reason SCBU are careful re infection isn't necessarily for a preemie, they have sick and immunocompromised in there too.

I think you need to trust her to do best by her baby tbh.

Tey warn you when you leave SCBU be careful because they don't readmit to there, so I doubt she will ignore doctors. It's hell and if you haven't been there, sorry, but you have no idea. Sat down to watch a "how to resuscitate" DVD before you can go home? No one takes that shit lightly.

AWhistlingWoman · 17/10/2014 22:45

See we are all different as xalyssx as said.

Don't know if that was a bit of a dig at me? But each child is different and will emerge from NICU / SCBU in a different state of health.

I stuck with what I was told was the best of DD2. No doubt we all do. But that is down to the OP's friend and what she wants to do.

AWhistlingWoman · 17/10/2014 22:47

of DD2! For DD2 obviously!

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/10/2014 22:52

You sound very kind and concerned op I don't understand the nasty posts.

I have no experience with babies who were premature. Dd was just shy of 37 weeks and weighed 5 and a half pounds.she was very poorly at first and the only place age gad been really was the hospital. She had three admissions in her first few weeks. We had only seen immediate family, we'd not been out for any length of time. She remained in a buggy under a rain cover for the pre school run the few times we went after she was discharged. She still got sick.

I guess my point is that staying home doesn't always equate to being out of danger. We were careful with DD2 and it made no difference it.

Maybe she thinks with another child she's going to be exposed anyway and is desperate for some normality.

There is a chance she may chicken out once Dr's go through discharge with her.

vestandknickers · 17/10/2014 22:52

You need to mind your own business.

She will have been given advice by SCBU and will make her decisions accordingly.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2014 22:53

Mind you own damn business.

Nice.

Only on MN could any form of concern be classed as interfering.

vestandknickers · 17/10/2014 23:02

The point is though Nanny that she has no real knowledge. She only knows this woman through a playgroup and has no idea how well the baby is. Just because a baby is tiny doesn't mean it needs to be wrapped up in cotton wool.

The OP sounds a bit jealous when she talks about showing off and getting attention.

The baby's mum will have plenty of expert advice, she doesn't need the OP butting in.

justcallmethefixer · 17/10/2014 23:02

Would you feel the same about an at term birth?

RJnomore · 17/10/2014 23:04

Here's the question.

You don't want her baby to be sick. Admirable.

Do you think she does?

mindthegap79 · 17/10/2014 23:15

I'd be seeing what I could do to help her. I'd probably make her some nutritious meals that she can bung in the oven, and I'd offer to visit. I'd see if I could get mutual acquaintances along too, if appropriate. Obviously I don't know her or know how well you know her. I'd offer to take her older dc to groups, and I'd buy her newborn a present.