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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be worried about this premature baby?

136 replies

Twoangelfeet · 17/10/2014 21:34

A woman I have gotten to know at a playgroup I go to has recently had her second DC very early. Baby is very small, not yet 4lb but doing well and set to come home in the next week.

The mother is clearly very lonely. To be honest I gave her a bit of a wide berth at first as she's desperate for attention and always talks about herself/her kids turning every part of anyone's conversation back to herself somehow. She has recently moved to the area and has no friends or family so I offered help when she had her premature baby as I knew she was under a lot of stress.

Now baby is due to come home next week she is talking about next week having two kids with her at playgroup. I'm really worried that it's a really bad idea for her to bring such a tiny baby to a place that is inevitably rife with germs and snotty toddlers.

I have no experience at all of premature babies but it seems to me that since children aren't even allowed to visit the baby in hospital due to risk of infection that this is a really unwise move. I know she will be keen to come and show her off and have lots of attention.

Baby has just started feeding on her own but is still so tiny.

AIBU to be really worried about this? Should I gently suggest to her that maybe she should wait a while?

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 18/10/2014 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantanaLopez · 18/10/2014 21:06

No, neither do I.

Flowers
Honsandrevels · 18/10/2014 21:36

I was advised to keep dd2 at home for 2 weeks. She was a 33 weeker and was in for almost 3 weeks. We were 'allowed' to go for walks in the fresh air etc but were advised not to take her to shopping centres, supermarkets etc.

We also had regular appointments with the neonatal midwife who visited often. None of this was explained until the day we left.

aermingers · 18/10/2014 21:45

One of the things I have often thought about Mumsnet is that you get a lot of posters who don't seem to understand the fact that posters who discuss others are normally talking about real people who actually exist and who may well be affected by any advice given, often adversely.

I think this is one of these cases. People are rushing to support the OP because she is the person who is here and we only have her side of the story.

People think they're being kind by backing the OP but what they forget is that backing the OP when they're in the wrong can be a big unkindness to someone who is not on this forum, who is not posting and whose side of the story we don't have. Mrs De Vere isn't being nasty, she's being honest. The OP clearly isn't a massive fan of this woman and seems to be looking for validation of her opinion that she is a bad mother.

duchesse · 18/10/2014 21:51

I do not judge her. Yes i gave her a wide berth at first as her lack of social skills made it hard to be around her, but as we are both regulars at this group (and it's not just a stay and play it's much more of a close knit group)

Actually you don't sound very nice at all and this group you go to sounds like a horrible and unfriendly clique. Maybe the wording was awkward but it just sounds to me as though and your little friends have decided that this poor mother doesn't "fit" in some way and are desperate to shun her until she leaves.

I hope it's just awkward wording, because, wow, that would be seriously immature and bitchy and I'm sure as a grown-up you're not those things.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 21:55

When I brought ds gone he was 4 lbs and I was told to treat him as a normal baby. She can do whatever she wants, she'll have been told what's safe and what isn't. mind your own bees wax Wink

Annunziata · 18/10/2014 21:57

The OP is still a real person too, and there's no reason to be unkind to her. I thought she was just trying to be honest with her post and explain anything. Maybe she is a little misguided but we all can do that and it's not a crime.

DD3 was just four pounds when she came home and a lot of people worried about her to me, but it was just concern.

I hope it's just awkward wording, because, wow, that would be seriously immature and bitchy and I'm sure as a grown-up you're not those things.

I think it's you who needs to grow up here.

vestandknickers · 18/10/2014 22:06

Yes, the OP is a real person. Bottom line though, this is none of her business.

How dare she judge whether another mother should be attending a play group. She hasn't been in SCBU with this woman. She hasn't spoken to the doctors. She needs to but out.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 22:10

And did she actually say that she was coming to play group as soon as baby is out of hospital? She was probably just talking about the future with two children.

Annunziata · 18/10/2014 22:14

And being in SCBU and speaking to doctors doesn't mean that you will do everything right all of the time! Sometimes you do need someone else to talk things over with, especially with a brand new baby and a toddler. If this lady is lonely, the OP could be doing her a kindness.

Goldmandra · 18/10/2014 22:30

And did she actually say that she was coming to play group as soon as baby is out of hospital?

Yes

Now baby is due to come home next week she is talking about next week having two kids with her at playgroup.

This thread isn't one of MN's finest moments.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 22:36

It doesn't actually matter, it's none of the OP's business. The woman can take her children wherever she likes.

3littlefrogs · 18/10/2014 22:40

My perfectly healthy, full term 4 month old DS2 got RSV from toddler group and ended up in hospital for 4 days. I wouldn't wish it on anybody's baby.

OP I think you sound caring and concerned in a good way.

The RSV season is upon us and it is reasonable to consider whether a tiny prem baby should be exposed to the risk. IMO.

3littlefrogs · 18/10/2014 22:41

Have all the people flaming the OP experienced RSV in their own babies?

Goldmandra · 18/10/2014 22:45

The OP was only wondering whether to offer to visit her at home FGS. She wasn't suggesting she should be reported to SS!

She'll know better than to turn to MN for advice in the future.

vestandknickers · 18/10/2014 22:50

BUT IT IS NONE OF THE OP'S BUSINESS. (Yes, I'm shouting).

she's not family or even a real friend. She's just some nosey parker from a toddler group.

LittlePeasMummy1 · 18/10/2014 22:51

DD was a 32 weeker and came home at 36w. We were advised to avoid crowded places like shopping centres etc for a while. So on the face of it, best to avoid a toddler group, but as others said, mum might feel desperate for company, support etc after a few weeks of SCBU. At 11 weeks, My LO caught RSV which caused bronchilitis, and ended up in NICU, which was horrific for her and far more stressful for us than SCBU, so it's well worth trying to avoid germs when they are tiny.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 22:53

Yes quite!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 22:54

My last post was in response to vest

Annunziata · 18/10/2014 22:56

There's absolutely no need to be so rude vest.

OP knows there is someone with no local friends or family who struggles a wee bit with conversations who is going through a hard time. Good for her for wanting to help, rather than just saying it is none of her business.

Goldmandra · 18/10/2014 22:58

Shout away Smile

It is our business to think about whether someone going through a tough time could be helped by an offer of a visit.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 22:59

I wouldn't want a 'friend' describing me as attention seeking on the website. It doesn't sound like the OP even likes the woman very much.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 23:01

Also, let's give this woman some credit, she's already a mum not some clueless first timer.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/10/2014 23:03

the net not the website

It's late,I should be in bedWink

3littlefrogs · 18/10/2014 23:05

OTH - this mum is lonely and in need of company.
As I understand it, the OP is wondering if it would be a good idea to offer to visit her to provide some company. OP seems to be concerned that loneliness might override any advice given to avoid crowded places/toddler groups. At least that is how i read it.

At what point do we all mind our own business if we feel that there is a cause for concern? It is difficult.

For example - if someone told me they were taking their chicken poxy child to playgroup because they were desperate to get out of the house, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them not to.

I once approached a man who left his new born locked in his car in the hospital car park, intending to go into the pharmacy to collect a prescription. On that occasion I did advise him to take the baby with him. Maybe I should have minded my own business, but I would have worried.