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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very upset about how this friend has treated me?

187 replies

FeelingSadAboutIt · 16/10/2014 11:52

I've namechanged as this will probably make me recognisable.

I run twice a week with a friend, and have done for about 2 years. I've always thought that we got on well. We met through our DDs' school.

Lately my friend has been a bit off with me. Nothing I can put my finger on but I've just had vibes that she's being off. She has also become quite friendly with another mum from school, who for some reason has never liked me and has always been quite rude to me.

For the past fortnight my friend has said that she has hurt her back and so doesn't want to do any running for a few weeks. I had no problem with this and haven't been running myself since she said this. She actually sent me a text yesterday saying that her back is still bad, and she's going to have a couple more weeks of no running.

So, this morning I decided to have a run on my own, and about a mile down the road who did I see but said friend out for a run with the woman that doesn't like me! We actually had to run past each other so I put on a brave face and just said hello in a cheerful tone, but when I got home I actually felt really upset.

I enjoy running with my friend, I've started to really look forward to us going. And I'm upset about the nasty undertones that have clearly been there, and feel silly for not picking up on it.

AIBU to be upset or do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 19/10/2014 12:01

back seriously why do you care?

Why are you so determined to defend this person you don't know?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 19/10/2014 12:03

Back - you're the ex-friend aren't you?

Hissy · 19/10/2014 12:11

you know, it is perfectly acceptable for a grown woman to runwith more than one person without resorting to lying.

you simply say 'i've arranged to run with xxx today'

IF it's well known that xxx doesn't get on with you etc, then 9 times out of 10, there won't be anyone pushing for a 3-person run.

the other mum has behaved badly, and isn't worth the OP's time.

hackmum · 19/10/2014 12:11

"Plus I bet the other woman is feeding her all kinds of crap about me."

Yes, I assume so. The frustrating thing is not knowing.

But it is so hard. You are right to be upset, OP. A few years ago, a friend of mine (let's call her Alison) was close friends with another woman (Stella). They were in and out of each other's houses all the time. And then Stella just suddenly stopped seeing her - stopped calling, stopped inviting her over. And there seemed to be no reason at all. Alison was incredibly upset about it for a long time. I knew both of them and couldn't understand it and still don't.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 12:40

She's just not a nice person. I think what s really happening which backby has totally skimmed over, is that the other woman is feeding her lies about the op, and 'friend' is unable to make her own judgements, believes her. Well if she comes back to you once the other woman gas decided that she hates her now, I wouldent have a bar of it!

Original poster

FeelingSadAboutIt · 19/10/2014 12:44

Ah yes, friendship definitely is totally over now. DH was saying yesterday that he thinks that their friendship won't last long and that she'll start trying to do things with me again, and I said to him that there's not a chance in hell that I'll be friends with her again. Polite and superficially friendly yes, but definitely not friends.

Thanks again everyone for the lovely replies, they are much appreciated.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 12:44

Suddenly op friend has become off with op, then starts to run with this it her woman and not op. It does not take a brain surgeon to see what's going on!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 12:48

That's good op , sound like not nice woman will become bored after a while and drop her like a hot brick

Original poster

FeelingSadAboutIt · 19/10/2014 12:54

Yes I think you're right Aeroflotgirl. I can't imagine that it'll be a long-lasting friendship.

OP posts:

lisucbgiberiocnha · 19/10/2014 13:00

back - total over reaction. it's easy enough to say 'I'm running with x this week' - no need for laughing behind someones back and manipulating

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 13:28

you just do not treat a friend like that, this woman was more than a running partner, she was her friend too.

whostimeisitanyway · 19/10/2014 13:31

But we do know that she has lied don't we.

She told the OP that she had a bad back and couldn't run for a couple of weeks and was then seen running the next day with someone else. She lied. She could easily have changed her mind and the running and still treated the OP in a respectful way but she choose not to.

I wouldn't call her a bitch or a cow but she has behaved v badly to the OP and her laughing/ cackling makes her sound even worse. This is the kind of behaviour that I might expect from a group of 10 year old girls not adult women.

No need to make wild assumptions about the OP's character either backbystealth. She comes across as perfectly reasonable in the OP and her reaction has been very calm and sensible. I don't know what sort of 'real life' you lead but it seems to be at odds with nearly everyone else who has posted here.

Roussette · 19/10/2014 13:36

This woman was supposedly a friend. Friends don't treat each other like that even if, as back says, the OP is a pain (which incidentally I don't think she is.) The friend was happy enough to run with her for over 2 years then lie to her and drop her like a hot potato.
Yes, I find it strange that back finds nothing wrong with that and for the record I haven't called the woman names, I've just said she is rather mean and I don't think anyone can argue with that not even you back!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 13:40

I agree Rousette, she has been treated really shoddily by her so called friend, she does not sound like a good friend at all, at least you know her true colours. She will dump you just like that!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 13:50

Back would you treat a friend like that!

Tinkerball · 19/10/2014 14:02

Also we do not know this woman actually lied

So backbystealth what would you call saying you have a bad back and cant run with OP and then promptly going running with another person then if not lying?

drudgetrudy · 19/10/2014 16:58

Been thinking about this. Ex-friend may not be a bitch but she has the maturity level of a 13 year old.
She has come under the influence of woman who is unfriendly to OP (possibly listened to negative gossip about OP) and then lied to OP in an attempt to dump her. Having been caught out she has run off sniggering possibly out of shame and embarrassment.
Is this sort of thing familiar to anyone from early adolescence? Anyone cringe over a mistake like this when they were 12 and wanted to impress the cool girls?
In a grown woman-totally unacceptable just say "xxx has started a running programme and I've agreed to go with her tomorrow" ffs!

paddyclampo · 19/10/2014 17:08

I would have to tackle this so called "friend" and ask her what she was playing at!

backbystealth · 19/10/2014 18:25

No this woman has not acted in a very noble (or clever) way and yes I get why OP is offended and upset.

But a) we all handle things badly sometimes (maybe she feels very stupid and very bad after she was spotted out running by OP) and b) (stuck record alert!) we don't know anything at all about this woman and situation - the OP might be insufferable!

And c) there is definitely a weird supposition on Mumsnet that people who seemingly 'snub' or ignore or don't want to be friends with an OP are awful bitches and I object to that very strongly. If someone's just not that into you, we as adults need to suck it up.

Original poster

FeelingSadAboutIt · 19/10/2014 18:42

backbystealth, I am happy to suck it up if she's not into me any longer. It's the way that she went about things that has upset me. As I said, I have been a good friend to her, and I think she's been very schoolgirlish and mean. As I have mentioned already, she has always been very keen to run with me and to contact me; it hasn't been a case of me being insufferable and railroading her into spending time with me.

I do totally appreciate that friendships do change, and that people change too. I don't think this is a case of our friendship just drifting though, more of a case of my friend and the other woman that she is friends with deliberately being a bit unkind.

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 19/10/2014 18:47

I'd agree with that OP. There are adult ways of dealing with a friendship that has run its course. And this womans approach is probably the most immature, and hurtful, way of doing it.

You are handling the situation with grace and dignity, and humour. And yes, to babybystealth, we know nothing of the other woman, but the OP does not come across as insufferable at all. Rather nice really.

backbystealth · 19/10/2014 19:06

Feelingsad I understand why it was hurtful, I think most people would feel the way you do. You've had a vent, soif you can, try to forget about it and move on x

backbystealth · 19/10/2014 19:06

Feck - yes I agree.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2014 19:09

I don't think she is a bitch, but she has certainly shown to op that she is not really a good friend. Op should put her behind her and find a running group or just run by herself.

RaisingMen · 19/10/2014 19:33

I think she's a bitch. Lying to someone who is supposed to be a friend, then cackling away to each other when caught is bitchy behaviour. If the cap fits....hope you're ok OP x

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