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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset about how this friend has treated me?

187 replies

FeelingSadAboutIt · 16/10/2014 11:52

I've namechanged as this will probably make me recognisable.

I run twice a week with a friend, and have done for about 2 years. I've always thought that we got on well. We met through our DDs' school.

Lately my friend has been a bit off with me. Nothing I can put my finger on but I've just had vibes that she's being off. She has also become quite friendly with another mum from school, who for some reason has never liked me and has always been quite rude to me.

For the past fortnight my friend has said that she has hurt her back and so doesn't want to do any running for a few weeks. I had no problem with this and haven't been running myself since she said this. She actually sent me a text yesterday saying that her back is still bad, and she's going to have a couple more weeks of no running.

So, this morning I decided to have a run on my own, and about a mile down the road who did I see but said friend out for a run with the woman that doesn't like me! We actually had to run past each other so I put on a brave face and just said hello in a cheerful tone, but when I got home I actually felt really upset.

I enjoy running with my friend, I've started to really look forward to us going. And I'm upset about the nasty undertones that have clearly been there, and feel silly for not picking up on it.

AIBU to be upset or do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
Roussette · 18/10/2014 15:17

Blackby yes all that makes sense, she wants to run with someone else. HOWEVER she has been running with the OP for over 2 years and to make up the excuse of a bad back and text the OP actually saying she was not going to run for another couple of weeks but then be seen running with someone else is pretty shabby, don't you think?

Why can't people be upfront? Why can't she say ... look I did have a bad back, it seems to be a bit better now, but I am going to go for a run with someone else. Then at least the OP can get on with things but to be confronted whilst out on a run with someone you've been running with for over two years, with another runner, who has cold shouldered you and said she can't run for weeks is a bit galling.

backbystealth · 18/10/2014 15:21

Because people find it hard to say these things!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/10/2014 15:37

OP, she's not worth your time. The fact that she looked sheepish shows that she knows she's been caught out on the lie. You're dealing with it well. I agree with those who've suggested joining a running club - I joined one recently and it's brilliant for making supportive new friends (and running, of course!).

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 15:40

No backby I don't think so. Its the whole underhandedness of it all, the friendship with this other woman, suddenly friend no longer wants to go running.

Original poster
FeelingSadAboutIt · 18/10/2014 15:59

I don't mind at all if she runs with others.

I guess it's just upsetting me that she has become friends with this other woman and been a bit off with me, and then lied. All feels a bit schoolgirly and bitchy to me. When I've seen her with this other woman they've always been cackling and sniggering. I am pretty sure I've done nothing wrong and have been a good friend to my friend, and I know that I don't deserve that kind of spite fullness.

I am just going to please myself and so my own thing in future; at least I know I won't be unpleasant to myself!

OP posts:
Roussette · 18/10/2014 16:01

She might well find it hard to say these things but that certainly isn't an excuse for acting like that. I can't stand underhand people who do things like this.

Good luck FeelingSad

championnibbler · 18/10/2014 16:03

Don't bother with her anymore. There are nicer people out there for you.

Laura0806 · 18/10/2014 16:07

has anything happened with your daughters? This is why I hate school mum friends. People I think are lovely become psychos if anything happens that they perceive a slight to their children eg if your child dares to be in a higher maths group or something. Ive backed away from all of mine as it drives me insane!

Momagain1 · 18/10/2014 16:07

backby adults usually realise it is easier to go ahead and tell the truth than to tell whoppers you are easily caught out on. Claiming debilitating injury but then going running in the same neighborhood as you and your no longer wanted running partner is childish, with or without the red herring of the new running partner.

A reasonable lie would be, 'wendy' asked me to help her begin a running program. Any of the items you listed might also be suitable 'white lies', if the truth is you just dont like this running partner anymore. Given that, if any of them were true, why are they any harder to say?

Nectar · 18/10/2014 17:53

I really sympathise OP. I've had similar happen to me and it felt horrible at the time. My 'friend' and I met when our dd's started school, and from the girls being in Reception to about Year 3 we got on really well, (or so I thought)!

We normally stood together at school gates, sat together at Xmas plays/sports days, coffees while the girls played, LOTS of time spent together. All of a sudden, (and I know myself and dd had done nothing to upset her and her dd), I noticed a change. She'd see us at school and mutter under her breath 'Oh FGS', then put on a forced smile when my kids went running over. I was deliberately holding back and meeting my dc's at other places outside school so we didn't have to see her EVERY day, but my girls had grown to like her and WANTED to see herBlush.

She wasn't that sociable tbh, only really used to talk to me and one or two others, so it's not as if she'd found someone else to do things with, she just seemed to want to be on her own. I also noticed her nudging her husband/elder dd or whoever was nearby, whispering and smirking when she didn't think I noticedSad

I never did know why, and didn't feel brave enough to ask her. One thought was that perhaps she'd been secretly mocking me and the kids for years, and was it just convenient for her to have me available to collect her kids if she ran late, help with school runs if she'd had a bad night with the baby etc. She used to phone me quite a lot for these reasons and I never once let her down.

All our dc's are at secondary school now and have lost contact with each other, but I still admit to wondering occasionally why she changed towards meBlush We live in the same town still, so I sometimes see her at the supermarket, swimming pool etc but it's just a quick hello and we pass each other by. It was about 5 years ago we were last friendly but you don't forget it when people treat you like that.

Hope you can move on from this OP, and find some nicer friends.

whostimeisitanyway · 18/10/2014 18:03

Not surprised you feel upset OP.

This is nothing to do with the 'friend' changing her mind about running with the OP. Things could have changed for all sorts of reasons.
It is to do with the way that the 'friend' has gone about things in a sly way, lying to the OP and then laughing with the other woman as they ran off. That it is a horrible way to treat someone that you have been friends with for 2 years and finding it hard to say things is not an excuse. Adults need to man up sometimes and deal with slightly difficult situations.

ThePinkOcelot · 18/10/2014 20:14

Backbystealth, are you the bitch? Or is this the way you, yourself behave?

mollypollly · 18/10/2014 20:53

OP as others have said, this lady sounds like a total cow and you are better off without her-but you are certainly not being unreasonable to feel hurt by her behaviour.

You sound really lovely by the way Smile x

raltheraffe · 18/10/2014 21:47

*There could be a million reasons why she didn't want to run with you OP:

You're too slow
You're too fast
You talk too much
You don't talk enough
You're critical
You're not opinionated
You're interested in topics she's not
Her friend shares lots of interests with her
Her other friend is having a hard time and they're talking a lot
She has a problem she feels she can't talk to you about
You're unsympathetic about her back
You're slimmer/fitter/younger than her and it's getting to her a bit
She wants to run with another friend for a while
She wants to run with another friend permanently*

All possible reasons she wants to run with someone else and no, none of those reasons makes her a bitch.

What makes her a bitch is lying about it, engineering a fake bad back and if that is not bad enough, running away with new friend cackling like a witch.

A decent human being would have said to OP, no offense but I want to go running with new friend for a while and my reasons are XYZ.

This cow has not behaved like a decent human being, she had behaved like a cow. The fact you think this is acceptable means you probably act like a cow too.

raltheraffe · 18/10/2014 21:48

Stupid bloody bold print not working again.

Momagain1 · 18/10/2014 21:58

A decent human being would have said to OP, no offense but I want to go running with new friend for a while and my reasons are XYZ.

Or even not bothered with giving reasons XYZ. she doesnt really have too explain why.

Original poster
FeelingSadAboutIt · 18/10/2014 22:16

Thanks again everyone for the lovely replies.

I have to admit I am quite surprised at my friend's behaviour. She has always been lovely, very keen to go running and to be friends. I think hanging round with the other woman, who doesn't seem to be a nice person, is probably rubbing off on her. Plus I bet the other woman is feeding her all kinds of crap about me.

Her new friend is very much someone who either likes someone or hates them. She's quite dominating, and has always seemed bitchy. Like I said before, she has never liked me. No doubt she is feeling quite smug about it all.

OP posts:
Roussette · 18/10/2014 22:50

Momagain yes she does have to explain why.

So you get dumped after running with someone for over 2 years and you run with someone else after some feeble excuse about a bad back that is just a lie? Feeble and mean.

OP don't take it to heart if you can help it hurtful though it is.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 19/10/2014 08:54

OP, don't worry about what the other woman is or isn't saying about you. She doesn't know you and going by your feeling that you think she doesn't like you, it's pretty much a given that she's not being kind. I read a great saying once which was: what other people think about you is none of your business. It's so true. You can't control what other people think, say and do, and what they say tends to be more about them anyway. Tbh I pity your friend for being drawn under her spell. You sound lovely, the other woman doesn't. Your friend has made the wrong choice.

Now, spend some time today looking up running clubs in your area and send a few enquiry emails about joining. Some even have training sessions in the day, if that's your preference. You'll love it and your running will improve tenfold, not to mention you'll make some decent new friends. Smile

backbystealth · 19/10/2014 09:02

I think some of you have only got your online/MN hats on and not your RL hats on.

People just don't say 'I'm sorry I have decided not to run with you any more, and to run with my other friend.' Because apart from anything else the great big elephant in the room would be why can't they all run together?

So people generally make up white lies.

Also we do not know this woman actually lied!

We also don't know the OP - maybe this woman finds her insufferable or offensive or mind numbingly boring and has tried to find ways to back out of running for months.

Maybe OP is known to be overly senstive and/or confrontational and she felt completley unable to be truthful.

Whatever the truth no-one can say with any authority at all that this woman is a 'bitch' - it's just nuts.

It's just like all the millions of the 'playground bitches' threads on here. I read nearly every single one thinking 'nope not bitches, they just want to spend time with other parents, not the OP'.

drudgetrudy · 19/10/2014 11:24

backbystealth We do know she lied. She told OP that she still had a bad back and would not be running for a further two weeks-the was seen out running with woman who isn't friendly towards OP.

Yes-we can all be friends with whoever we like and friendship isn't exclusive like a relationship but I'm not surprised OP felt hurt.

We don't know the real truth of anything on here-people post about their difficult partners, toxic MILs, bitchy colleagues. We usually reply taking it that what the OP says is true, not speculate that they may be insufferable, offensive etc.
It is strange to be very friendly with someone for 2 years and actively seek them out and then drop them in this way.
I find your response odd and wonder if that is how you treat people. Note by the other responses that this is not generally considered to be okay

backbystealth · 19/10/2014 11:38

Busted! You're right, drudge, I too am a bitch. A complete and utter bitch. Just like this woman you have all condemned without knowing the first thing about her. Yes it's fine to have an opinion and take an OP's post at face value, to conclude someone is a total bitch who deserves all the karma in the world coming back at her is ridiculous. And a bit thick.

backbystealth · 19/10/2014 11:43

I note that she is now being referred to as 'the bitch' and 'the cow' on here. There is a very large irony here... can you all see that? Do you think it's pleasant, fair, measured, kind, reasonable to call this woman these names? Without knowing the other side? Yuck, I can't bear Mumsnet sometimes.

giraffescantboogie · 19/10/2014 11:44

Hope you are ok OP

drudgetrudy · 19/10/2014 11:59

You appear disproportionately angry , backbystealth.
I have not called this woman a bitch, cow or anything else-but I take the OP's post on face value and I understand her feelings. From what she tells us her friend has not behaved well.
Hope you are okay OP. YANBU to feel upset but try to move on, spend time with other friends and let it go.

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