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Original poster

To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

387 replies

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 08:51

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

OP posts:
Selks · 12/10/2014 11:31

Funky what exactly are you getting out of needling the OP so much? Strange behaviour. Do you have nothing better to do?

Selks · 12/10/2014 11:33

Ok x posted. If that's really what you want Funky then there are less confrontational ways of communicating that to the OP

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:33

The OP had no reason to think she would have to use strategies normally employed for high risk offenders

Erm, I didn't say she needed to use these strategies. I pointed this out because I was accused of being a 'behind the computer' adviser like I waft around all day in a lace nightie.

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:33

Do you have nothing better to do?

Yes, I do and I'm going to go and do it.

PetuliaGristle · 12/10/2014 11:37

OP Fairenuff hit the nail on the head, well done you, thank goodness you discovered stbxh issues fairly early on

Today 11:21 Fairenuff

The problem wasn't really the father though, it was the boyfriend who assured her that he didn't share his dad's attitudes and was totally against them but then turned out to be exactly like him.

He also assured her that they could leave at any time,he would call a taxi and then did a complete and unexpected U turn on this.

OP expected the dad to be an arse but she was taken completely by surprise when her bf turned out to be one too.

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:44

Yes, and apologies OP for inferring that you should trust your own instincts and make sure that you are safe in future. I won't do it again.

Stupidhead · 12/10/2014 11:46

You deserve a medal Vintage.

I know of KBW, DP played me 'where's me fucking bike?' Once. Never again.

I hope you can look back on this one day and laugh about your lucky escape. Can you imagine a family Christmas??!!! Or heaven forbid the wedding reception!

Let us know when he starts begging Grin

LividofLondon · 12/10/2014 12:01

...I deal with the highest risk young offenders in one of the worst areas in the country on a daily basis and have to protect myself, my premises and my staff and it is common sense to actually read signs and act on them, rather than ignore them...

I get what you're saying Funky but I dare say you had initial training on what signs to look out for and how to deal with situations? Also, I bet you've had plenty of practice and experience. Most of us haven't and when confronted with something unexpected, which Vintage did, it's a lot harder to think on your feet. She has said she was assessing the situation and whatever she thought she could do had a risk. Her boyfriend, who had shown no previous signs of being an arse, let her down unexpectedly.

Foolishlady · 12/10/2014 12:02

Serious victim blaming going on here!

ChelsyHandy · 12/10/2014 12:03

I think it was a set up. In that they deliberately set you up to be in this situation, alone with the 3 of them, to get enjoyment out of making you uncomfortable. I'm also thinking this explains how one of the previous gfs ended up having her toes sucked by your (ex) bf's father. I doubt you were in any real danger, I think making women feel uncomfortable is what they get enjoyment off.

Am I the only one who finds the brother trying to make out he is the nice guy a bit creepy too? If he was that nice, he wouldn't be living in a flat with such an odd parent.

Totally dysfunctional family. Almost worth going along for the entertainment value, if you have a strong stomach. Personally, I wouldn't have gone. I see people as individuals though, and while the having such a misoygynistic father is not a problem in itself, as long as contact with him was pretty much non-existent, I wouldn't tolerate being encouraged to visit him.

ChelsyHandy · 12/10/2014 12:05

I would also have googled their full names beforehand, just to see if anything came up about criminal records.

Its astonishingly difficult to find out about past criminal records though!

Momagain1 · 12/10/2014 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Staywithme · 12/10/2014 12:23

Good grief OP! It was an horrific situation and I doubt many of us on here can seriously say we have always dealt with every, uncomfortable situation as we should have. We are always left thinking "I should have said this" or " I should have done that".

I hate to say it, but it's a good job you weren't seriously assaulted or you would have been blamed for that too! Looking at some of the comments on here, it's no wonder victims of sexual assault are so reluctant to come forward. Sad

fizzymittens · 12/10/2014 12:40

You sound very young OP. Glad that you are going to dump your boyfriend. One day you will laugh about this as it is just so OTT. What an abysmal family.

Momagain1 · 12/10/2014 12:43

Oh, I wish you HAD driven yourself. But, OTOH, if you had, the very crucial information about your boyfriend would have stayed hidden. That's done now. They are even more dysfunctional than anyone could imagine.

I would have pretended to have received a call re: children and called a taxi for myself. Insisted he could stay behind. Or called a taxi from the toilet. Something. (No, actually, i probably maybe would have thought these things, but delayed implementation, just as you delayed insisting on leaving.)

fizzymittens · 12/10/2014 12:47

It's actually like something out of a Jilly Cooper novel!

Suzannewithaplan · 12/10/2014 13:02

certainly wouldnt be out of place in a work of fiction

Seriouslyffs · 12/10/2014 13:05

Hmm at all the 'you shoulda' posters.
Sounds awful vintage- look after yourself today. Thanks

Toooldtobearsed · 12/10/2014 13:09

I was one of those who encouraged you to go.....sorry!

I think you handled it as well as you could under the circumstances, which were awful.

Do I wish I was as clever as half the posters on this thread - reading the red flags, driving myself, walking out, saying this or that? No. I would have done exactly the same as you OP, I don't go through life expecting the worst, but hoping for the best, and yes, it does bite you in the bum sometimes, but far better than seeing a rapist/abuser/serial slasher behind every corner.

I do believ in taking sensible precautions, and OP did. This was a BF of 4 months who told her what to expect, not someone she met yesterday who claimed all was happy families.

Put it down to experience, you did greatSmile

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 13:59

I'm not sure why I sound very young? I'm coming up for 40.

I had no need to Google his families name or anything. I have been dating this man for 4 months, nothing has given me any cause for concern or worry. His dad is a consultant, works with huge companies, I expected a certain level of behavior. Seems money and education do not buy manners or class.

I was warned he was offensive and a bit sexist but then the boyfriend said he is probably making him sound worse and I might think he is very charming. He said it will be fine and we wouldn't be late home.

On that info I deemed it safe to drink a few classes of wine..shooting .y self in the foot. But, come on. None of that behavior is even close to what you would expect, none.

I'm pretty sharp. I've worked with vulnerable families, substance mis users and those with serious mental health issues. I am not stupid.

I had no reason to suspect by boyfriend was going to turn as he did.

I have now heard from him, saying he disgraced himself, is very sorry for ruining our night, loves me a lot and would be heartbroken if I left. I have not replied and will not be doing so.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2014 14:12

Personally I think you handled it as best as was possible. You expected a sexist/socially inept father and brother, you could not have expected your boyfriend to do a Jeckyl and Hyde.

I'm glad to hear you've been seeing him for only 4 months. Had you not had this wake-up call (of earthquake rather than alarm-clock proportions) you could have continued this relationship to the point where you would have found it more distressing to disengage. As it is, normal natural anger and outrage should be able to counter any lingering affection for this- um, man.

A lucky escape, IMO.

CedricBloomer · 12/10/2014 14:16

You did exactly the right thing. You aren't stupid or young-sounding. Some people on this thread are twats.

I think I know the area you were in last night and I wouldn't walk around there alone late at night, either.

vezzie · 12/10/2014 14:22

Oh dear Vintage, poor you and well done for getting out in the end.

I think the bf was actually trying to warn you of his own likely behaviour. He was dressing it up as "my dad can be tough" but what he really knew in his heart was "my dad and I are a nightmare together and I am expecting you to grit your teeth and put up with it". Well now you know.

Don't pine or fret. Onwards and upwards x

Downamongtherednecks · 12/10/2014 14:37

vintage I am aghast at what happened to you, and at the victim-blaming on this thread. I hope you are feeling a bit better. I do not think I could stay with the BF given that a future with him involves a future with his father in your life. I assume you would not meet be comfortable to be in the company of the father ever again. Honestly, you've only been with BF a few months - you gave it a shot, it didn't work out. Move on.

Castlemilk · 12/10/2014 14:46

I can't understand the bashing you are getting here. Especially as a good percentage of early posters were saying, go along, it will be fine, keep your dignity, be polite, he just wants to introduce you to his family and that's fair enough...!

I suspect most people would have done what you did. Not know what on earth to say or do, eventually get out and then be FURIOUS with themselves as well as the whole event for not thinking of great comebacks/storming out at the first out of line comment.

Hindsight is great...

Anyway. The important thing is exactly what you've identified. Your EX (hurrah for that word) is a twat, the same as his dad is a twat. And you are lucky that it's been revealed only 4 months in. Not too much wasted time, and no, not unusual for complete pillocks to be able to keep a lid on it for that amount of time.

Don't bother to reply. Or if you do, simply say 'Well, you told me your dad was a prick. What you forgot to mention was that you're a chip off the old block. Maybe tell the next girlfriend in advance so she doesn't have to waste the time, eh?'