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Original poster

To not want to meet nor have any clue how to handle this sexist arse?

387 replies

Vintagecrap · 10/10/2014 08:51

I am meeting the boyfriends father tomorrow. I have been pre warned that he is rather sexist and is known for offending people.
He will refer to woman as ' look at that little machine' and ' the bird likes x, does she'

The boyfriend says that he would probably be diagnosed with some condtion nowadays, but as it is he is 60 ish and it isnt going to happen, and that in some ways his behavoior has led him to be successful as he has done very well for himself in terms of career and wealth.

All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)

The brother is also going to be there, he doesnt work, lives like a hermit, lives off family money and rarely speaks.

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.

I really do not want to sit in the company of someone who thinks im a ' machine' because i happen to have boobs and a vagina.
I have no idea how to handle it at all really.

I know no family is perfect, but at least mine made my boyfriend feel welcome and he was sent home with a ton of food and cake.

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 12/10/2014 10:45

What a family of arses.

And how dare his son blame his behaviour on some kind of undiagnosed sn, I know some people with sn, they have never behaved like that. How insulting.

You've had a very ,lucky escape

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 10:45

sneepy, no, i am not. What i was saying is that, i cant see the point of explaining to someone why their behavior is shit. He clearly thought it was fine. So, im not going to stay with someone who thinks that way.

and again, no, i had no idea the boyfriend was going to be like that, so my original post was based on being told the dad is a bit sexist and maybe on the spectrum. I based my decision on that, not on what happened as i dont have future vision and neither do other posters who seem to think they could have foreseen this.

OP posts:
CuttedUpPear · 12/10/2014 10:47

Could people please stop needling the OP?

Shit happened, she's out of there and safe.
We should all be glad of that and allow her to move on!

CornChips · 12/10/2014 10:49

I think it is a good thing you went Vintage because otherwise you might have remained in ignorance as to what an arse your DP is, and gotten yourself involved even further.

As to blaming you- I am very uncomfortable with the idea that it is your fault that they behaved like arses. By either going, or for not taking a 'joke'.

Suzannewithaplan · 12/10/2014 10:52

what shocking bad luck to get involved with a bloke who turns out to have all that lurking in the closetShock

Suzannewithaplan · 12/10/2014 10:58

?
TBH it seems to me the OP takes a rather defensive stance throughout the thread, I'm not sure why she's so prickly because in the main people are sympathetic and trying to help Confused ?

wowfudge · 12/10/2014 10:58

Quite right CornChips - if the OP had not realised her now ex DP (I base this on what the OP has posted herself) actually participated in the disgusting sexist behaviour until, say, a year or more down the line she would have had much more invested in the relationship.

Oddly, the horrible old man has done her a favour by revealing the boyfriend's true colours.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 10:59

OP I think you handled the whole situation very well. You found yourself in a vulnerable position and kept yourself safe, which is the single most important aspect of this whole sorry evening.

You were pre-warned that the father would most likely be offensive and say something sexist but you had no idea that your bf was going to join in with him.

Trying to argue with them or leave on your own might have triggered aggression. You said that later your bf tried to stop you leaving his place and you also mentioned that even the brother became aggressive when he couldn't find his cigarettes, so who knows how they might have reacted.

They were volatile, you were vulnerable and you got yourself out of that situation, so well done. And good riddance to the bf and his nasty family.

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:02

What's with the blaming Funky. Fwiw I would have probably left earlier in the evening but the OP made her choices after having listened to lots of advice...Your attitude smacks of victim blaming.

I'm saying that the OP knew it was going to be bad and then is shocked it was bad. She said she wouldn't drink and would drive to allow a quick escape, then drank half a bottle of wine and took a taxi and stayed for 6 hours after it got really really bad. The signs were there, they are all in the OP if you re-read it.

Those are the actual things that the OP said happened. I'm not saying it's her fault, I'm saying she shouldn't really be so shocked it happened when she knew it was going to be bad.

Brassrubbing · 12/10/2014 11:02

That's what alarms me, Vintage. Your BF told you his father was 'a bit sexist', not that there was the possibility that you would be subjected to an evening-long barrage of frightening, humiliating abuse by someone who sounds as if he has significant mental health issues, as well as an alcohol problem. That's the really scary but -your bf has 'normalised' this down to 'a bit sexist'. Or else he's always so drunk on these occasions he doesn't remember what happens. It's also frightening that you clearly didn't feel your bf, no matter how drunk, was on your side and would help you or support you while you got yourself out of the situation. It's clear you thought of him as part of a gang of threatening, drunk men.

Original poster
Vintagecrap · 12/10/2014 11:07

i didnt stay for 6 hours after it got bad.

the cunt song, which was, as far as im conerned, the worst bit, was at about 1130. i said then that i was really going to go. I had been saying so for the last hour or so.

if you look back, you will see i said they played that, then abbas dancing queen, then mozart, then we left.

so, basically Biscuit

OP posts:
LividofLondon · 12/10/2014 11:09

Vintage I think you handled it in the way that felt right at the time. As you said, it didn't feel safe to call a cab or your Mum and wait outside in the apartment complex or the street, and to call and wait indoors with them felt wrong too. You went into it thinking you might be subjected to a bit of sexist behaviour, and as it didn't develop fora few hours it seemed safe to drink a bit. You had no idea it would've developed into what it did.

Sounded like you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. The situation was so out of the ordinary I suspect it was rather shocking at the time too, so far easier to sit behind PCs and say what you should've done than actually having to handle the situation whilst in the midst of it. Glad you got home OK.

evelynj · 12/10/2014 11:11

OP, that sounds horrific-I don't think you could have done anything better fwiw. Everyone changes to some degree round family but he hasn't learned any lessons from all his previous gfs meeting family.

I think it would be v hard for your relationship to move past this. Good luck

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:12

6 hours, 3 hours, 1 hour - whatever.

You can no comment me all you want - it wasn't me that was holed up with drunk abusive men and no escape route. Perhaps use this as a learning point and make sure next time, you really don't drink and you take your car when you aren't sure of a situation. Esp when the signs are there before you even left home.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/10/2014 11:14

err she knew the dad was "a bit sexist" and that was it.

Victim blaming here is not on.

LividofLondon · 12/10/2014 11:19

Funky, all she was expecting was an embarrassing Benny Hill sexist dad, not what she actually encountered. The situation was beyond the pale and hind-sight behind a computer is a wonderful thing!

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:21

Normal course of the evening is to get awfully drunk, argue about politics and wave their arms around.
All of his previous girlfriends have hated him, bar one, who let him suck her toes once ( and i cant imagine a situation where this would even happen)
the bird likes x, does she

No, the clues aren't there at all.

You can't walk into a situation that you know is sexist, abusive, unstable and alcohol fuelled and then witter on about how sexist, abusive, unstable and alcohol fuelled it was without people saying 'erm but you knew it was sexist, abusive, unstable and alcohol fuelled as that's why you expressed concerns'.

If you know the situation is potentially bad then you do have a duty of care to yourself to not walk straight into it.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 11:21

The problem wasn't really the father though, it was the boyfriend who assured her that he didn't share his dad's attitudes and was totally against them but then turned out to be exactly like him.

He also assured her that they could leave at any time,he would call a taxi and then did a complete and unexpected U turn on this.

OP expected the dad to be an arse but she was taken completely by surprise when her bf turned out to be one too.

MardyBra · 12/10/2014 11:22

"Funky, all she was expecting was an embarrassing Benny Hill sexist dad, not what she actually encountered. The situation was beyond the pale and hind-sight behind a computer is a wonderful thing!"

^^
This.

With knobs on.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:23

Funky what do you want?

Do you want her to bemoan her stupidity and apologise to you or something?

There was no indication that it would be that bad! None.

Leave her alone!

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 11:24

'witter on'?

Shame on you Funky, the OP has had an extremely unpleasant and upsetting experience, can she not talk about it here without you trying to belittle her Hmm

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:25

The situation was beyond the pale and hind-sight behind a computer is a wonderful thing!

I have to go an dig out an elderberry plant now but really, the advice given from behind the computer about driving and not drinking was agreed by the OP before she left. Just because I am behind a computer at this moment does not mean I have never walked out of the front door - I deal with the highest risk young offenders in one of the worst areas in the country on a daily basis and have to protect myself, my premises and my staff and it is common sense to actually read signs and act on them, rather than ignore them - for everyone's safety. It's called 'assessing the risk' and we all do it every day. If you choose to ignore it then it's at your own peril to be honest.

MardyBra · 12/10/2014 11:27

It was a family meal. The OP had no reason to think she would have to use strategies normally employed for high risk offenders.

FuckOffFerret · 12/10/2014 11:29

I realise the thread has progressed way beyond this (and glad you left and are done with everyone OP) but I just wanted to say something about this up thread

so, your advice would really be, that i pick up my new boyfriends father, on everything he says that i dont agree with, the first time i meet him, and most likely, in his own home after he has cooked me dinner? really? is that really what you would do? to what ends? so that we have a massive row? so that is causes a divide between his dad and my boyfriend? Thats not right either, is it.

Yes, you have every right to call someone out about sexist behaviour, no matter how nice the dinner they have made you. You wouldn't let him call you a slag or a bitch or a whore or anything else would you? But if he makes derogatory insults towards women he is making them about you. Just because he is insulting ALL women doesn't mean he gets away with being abusive to you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 11:30

Do you want her to bemoan her stupidity and apologise to you or something?

No of course not! I wasn't there. It was nothing to do with me.

I just hope she protects herself in future. If other MNers want to play down the 'red flags' then that's their look out. Sometimes we really do need to tell women to look out for themselves first and their boyfriends second, even when they warn them of what's about to happen.

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