another mil dilemma

[butterymushroom]

Hello everyone , I'll try keep this short. I have a three month old baby boy. Our first child. dh is working near his parents for a week ( they live a few hours a way so they've been down to visit & seen DS for 3 days when he was 3 days and for a week when he was 5 weeks) so we're going to stay with them for a week so they can spend some time with their grandson too

1. Is it OK for my mil to arrange for an extended family get together to meet our son without asking my husband and I first? My husband was informed after plans were made & he told me about it after it had all been arranged.

1. Is it OK for mil to ask lots of her friends over to meet the baby during the rest of the week assuming that will be OK with me but not asking?

My parents would never do this so I find it really inconsiderate but maybe I'm just an antisocial misery. What are honest opinions? Is this normal ?

She was pretty insensitive and overbearing in her visits to us so dreading this one in her home .

Hmm, I'm sure others will be along who will probably disagree, but I would say, if you're going to spend a week with them and your MIL is that type of woman, then you'd probably expect that she'd arrange for some people to see the baby- show him off etc. So I wouldn't be surprised. But maybe watch out for other signs of her overstepping the mark, and be ready, with DH, to circle the caravans.

It wouldn't bother me. If I was going to stay with my mum or my MIL for the first time since the baby was born, I would assume that her friends and my husband's extended family are going to want to see him.

I wouldn't expect them to ask me. Especially as it's their own home.

I think it is perfectly normal for them to want to show of their grandchild to all and sundry and for them to get so carried away that they don't consider your feelings / thoughts. That doesn't make it ok, just normal.

I think the family gathering is probably a good way to kill lots of birds with one stone / get a lot of it out of the way in one go. But I would say to you Mil that you are finding things tiring so won't be able to do too much rushing about. Try and protect a few hours every day to snuggle down with your baby alone

If you are happy to / depending where she lives, MIL could take the baby off to show off to neighbours whilst you have a rest. Personally I found it too emotional / difficult to be apart from DD1 like this till she was a bit older - which irritated my MIL as she wanted to take DD on a tour of her bank, pharmacy etc etc She did in the end and was delighted.

By the time I had DD2 I was confident enough that I was happy to be left in peace for short periods, or to go upstairs and nap / chat to relatives whilst DD was passed round. Although I still hate when DD smells of other people's purfume etc from prolonged cuddles (except my mums!)

The baby days go so fast and they won't get many opportunities to do this.

It is so tricky - just try and get through without a) causing yourself too much stress and b) without damaging relations for the future.

It's a bit weird she didn't even mention it, but it's not worth making a fuss about. Maybe take the opportunity to go and have a massage or a facial or something so you don't have to sit through all her little social gatherings?
It certainly doesn't sound like she's trying to be mean or anything - she's just an excited Granny.

Yes and yes.

She's just excited and she's invited them around to save you having to do lots of visiting. Fine and thoughtful I reckon!

While I do understand your feelings, you live "a few hours away", and you're going to be staying there because it's convenient for you/your DH, not because your PIL begged you to. So, in common with other posters, I'd say let your PIL (wtf is it always MIL's fault?!) invite whatever family members/friends they want to meet your pfb, and take advantage of time off. If you're bf that's more difficult, of course.

Fwiw, I'm not saying you're an antisocial misery either, but your PIL are delighted, and want to celebrate and share the birth of their dgs/your pfb. Take some joy from that, maybe?

1. yes
2. yes

When I am at MIL's I am utterly sanguine about whoever turns up. Because it's her house.

Oldladyknowsomething: in this case it is mil but yes it's a shame that the stereotype exists. Yes, she did beg me to come - I'd rather not after how she behaved at our house which could be the real root of my issue.

Rootypig: I find it odd that just because we're at her house somehow suddenly the etiquette for visiting quite a young baby goes out the window! Nobody has asked me about his routine etc, he's only just had his jabs & he doesn't sleep that well because he gets overstimulated easily but none of that has been thought about. I Am bfing too. I wouldn't deny extended family a visit of course but it makes me feel like a child when things are planned for me without asking what works for me & DS. It's not like we're incidental - we're the reason people are coming or really DS is so you'd think she'd want to know what suits him first before arranging activities but most people disagree with me so I must be overreacting!

Thanks figetpie I think you understand where I'm coming from. I'll try not to make an issue of it. But yes, I think not having any alone time with DS is scaring me.

I think it must be my negative feelings towards mil from former visits that are clouding this issue for me & blowing it out of proportion.

Thanks everyone. If anyone thinks I actually have a point please can you post too

Yabu for all the reasons said up that.

However, ywnbu to continue with his routine regardless. So if he needs to feed, and you know he doesn't feed well when there is lots going on (for eg) take him off up to your bedroom. If he needs to sleep put him to sleep (or take him out in the pram) regardless of whether great aunt maud is about to arrive or not. But accommodate her wishes to show off her grandson the rest of the time when it doesn't make any difference. So you don't look like you're being deliberately awkward. Make sure you discuss this with your dh in advance so he backs you up too.

And remember, if it's as bad as you fear you can always leave.

That's pretty standard grandparent behaviour they are proud of their new grandchild and want to show him off.
If you feel that too many visits and lots of passing the baby around is happening ask your DH to tell her she needs to cut back the amount of visitors.

Does he have a regular routine that you could ask your MIL to plan around?
Does she live somewhere where you could make arrangements to be doing something else some days? She can hardly expect you to sit at home all week!

I'd trying and work with her rather than against her. It would piss me off to but only because I hate being told what to do.

Why not ask her for a full list of who is coming and when. 'So you can make sure you're in' so at least you know what's coming. Then you'll also be able to see who will fit with your routine and who won't. Good luck !

Nobody has asked me about his routine etc, he's only just had his jabs & he doesn't sleep that well because he gets overstimulated easily but none of that has been thought about. I Am bfing too.

So if you need to leave the room because he needs to eat, or sleep, or have quiet time, then do

You are being fantastically precious.

I will be a voice of dissent and say that even when staying at a relative's house, you as a guest should be consulted, particularly as you have a young baby. I think it's inconsiderate of your MIL to treat your baby as something she can pass around to her friends to show off.

While I can understand her organising the extended family gathering, it would be nice if she'd talked to you about it as your baby will obviously be expected to be the star turn.

Stick to your routine and don't be afraid to speak up if you think your baby's well-being is affected. The other day I failed to do this and my daughter was passed around like a doll for ages by (lovely) MIL and FIL, who ignored me when I said she was obviously hungry (I know her hunger cues ffs) resulting in a mini meltdown. And I hate it when she ends up smelling of other people's deodorant / perfume / armpits!

Sounds like there's a bit of a back story here.

I think it would have been polite to ask you at least about convenient visiting times, because even if it is her house it is still your baby, and he has his own needs, he's not a new vase.

YANBentirely U. But, see how it goes. And if the visitors are too much and unsettling the baby too much then, just say "I'm sorry, I have to feed him/change him/put him down now and just do it. A crying baby through the night is likely to be heard by everyone in the house, so your MIL will have to accept the consequences of any lack of consideration; you can aim to be flexible but not to the point of upsetting your baby too much or everyone will suffer.

What thumbwitch & yellowdino said. MIL can have who she likes around to her house, but your only priority is your baby's needs and if your baby needs a feed, change or sleep or just some quiet time with no new people then that is what happens, regardless of what would be sociable or convenient for your MIL. Make sure this is communicated, politely of course and ideally by your DH, in advance.

Buttery if she still hasn't even spoken to you about it there is nothing wrong with playing the innocent and setting some boundaries in advance.
Maybe something like "Dh has mentioned that you might have some friends around to see DS. The best times for him to have visitors are x-xam and y-ypm. Also on day 3 and day 5 we will be out for the morning/afternoon." Cheerful, helpful, non-resentful voice!
That way you've at least given her some parameters to work within and if she organises things outside your set times then at least you won't be surprising anyone when you put your baby in another room to sleep/feed or you disappear off to the park for a walk.

I agree with Surfsup1 on the approach to use.

YANBU, but it is difficult because you're in PIL's house. DH and I were actually living with my DPs until DS was 6 weeks old. But if people came to visit, it was pretty much a guarantee that I would be in the bedroom feeding DS, or he would be asleep. I tended to pop into the lounge with DS at an opportune moment and say we're having mad feeding at the moment but I've brought him in to say a quick hello. Then I would stay as long as I was comfortable and take him off to feed etc in privacy again. Or I would say DS is asleep, would you like to see him in his basinette? He was horrendously screamy for hours if over stimulated, I was already exhausted with sleeplessness and a bad birth injury - no way was I about to let him be handed around, then left to deal with the aftermath. I remember one of my DMs very demanding friends being very put out that DS was sound asleep on DH in a sling for her entire visit (a miracle!), but everyone else was so kind and perfectly happy to have a quick cuddle or even just a look!
I agree with Surfsup - is your DS napping at regular times? Can you (or better yet your DH) let your MIL know his routine in advance? And don't be shy about just taking DS and retiring to your private space for a feed/ cuddle if you sense he or you are getting overwhelmed. Good luck and congratulations!

I think that if she's inviting people over specifically to see your baby, then she really should have mentioned it to your or your DH first. Out of politeness if nothing else.

I agree with the advice to tell her what times are best for you / your DS, and also that if your DS needs quiet time for a nap / feed / whatever, then this trumps your MIL's desire to show him off to everyone.

Yabu, you can't hide him away from the world. Off course family and their friends will want to see him. I can't see her committing any crime here

Sorry to be nosy, but I love a backstory. What did she do when she came to stay at yours? I don't think YABU at all, btw.

"dh is working near his parents for a week ( they live a few hours a way so they've been down to visit & seen DS for 3 days when he was 3 days and for a week when he was 5 weeks) so we're going to stay with them"

Is he self-employed or otherwise unable to claim expenses for a hotel? Because that sounds like hell.

At least MIL has told you and forewarned you, not surprised you with a lengthy agenda when you turn up on the doorstep.
I think the issue is you are on the defensive after your last encounter. Whatever she did is likely to get up your nose.

Can you not speak to her now before the visit and plan around the routine ?then you might defuse yourself and it be a happier visit.

You know...if he was three weeks old I might be more understanding to your plight, but really I feel that by now, you can cope with a bit of grandparent based show offery while you are staying with mil.