another mil dilemma

[butterymushroom]

Hello everyone , I'll try keep this short. I have a three month old baby boy. Our first child. dh is working near his parents for a week ( they live a few hours a way so they've been down to visit & seen DS for 3 days when he was 3 days and for a week when he was 5 weeks) so we're going to stay with them for a week so they can spend some time with their grandson too

1. Is it OK for my mil to arrange for an extended family get together to meet our son without asking my husband and I first? My husband was informed after plans were made & he told me about it after it had all been arranged.

1. Is it OK for mil to ask lots of her friends over to meet the baby during the rest of the week assuming that will be OK with me but not asking?

My parents would never do this so I find it really inconsiderate but maybe I'm just an antisocial misery. What are honest opinions? Is this normal ?

She was pretty insensitive and overbearing in her visits to us so dreading this one in her home .

Explaining that you're taking baby up to your room to breastfeed will give you a break for a while. Do lots of this, and also explain (in a nice friendly, bright and breezy way) that you don't want him overstimulated by too many visitors because its not very nice for him. And you know because she's such a caring granny she'll want to make sure he has regular quiet time. But I think its reasonable for her to invite people round to see him and have a family gathering. You'll have to be a bit flexible and accommodating I think, even if it puts you out.
It makes me happy to think that my children aren't just my children, but also my extended family's grandchildren, nieces, nephew, cousins, etc etc. It makes me think of them as part of a lovely web of love for them. But then I'm very lucky with my family!! Your MIL does sound a bit of a nightmare..

Jeeeezus OP she sounds AWFUL! I feel angry on your behalf, her behaviour was beyond the pale.

Feeding him without asking is not OK, the dummy thing is disgusting, who the hell visits on the first night home! She is a lunatic!

I would enlist FIL's help - I bet if your DH had a quiet word with him he could perhaps steer her, gently, towards not being so overbearing.

To be honest I think it must be really hard to move on from that though, I am still angry (5 years later) with my MIL and have never really forgiven her for how she behaved when my DD was born. To put it bluntly she was a self centred, manipulative nasty child snatching bitch.

Phew!

My First Name I totally agree. OP - your baby, your rules about what happens to him.

MIL's house, and she can do or plan what she likes but your baby, your rules.

I also want to say, when my first DC was this little I was constantly made to feel overprotective, irrational and stupid when I was anxious about her being passed around, or anxious about her being out of routine, or just anxious.

For instance, I let SIL (she's very nice but has no kids and no experience) tell me in a condescending voice that my 3mo 'could cry for a bit longer before I picked her up'.

I am so angry about this now. I believe we all have different levels of emotional response when we have a baby. Some people seem relaxed about hacing their tiny babies handed around; some don't. Both are fine. I believe that it's right and proper to feel very anxious and concerned at times, especially in a different environment like MIL's house.

It's that anxiety / concern that drives us to be good, careful parents - it's what stopped our ancestors' babies from being eaten by tigers!

You don't need to justify anything to anyone here. If you feel upset by your MIL's behavior, you feel upset. You have a newborn and your family should be especially gentle and careful and caring with you, and especially respectful of your wishes. Sadly, that probably won't happen...

So stick to your guns with your little boy. He's YOUR baby, you're his mum, and YOU KNOW what's right for him.

Good luck - and FWIW I have a bit of a tricky relationship with MIL and the DC have made it so much easier, as now we both have something to focus on - so in future it might all be for the best.

Sorry for all the bold but as you can see I feel strongly about this!

And OP - just to add, I would have felt the same and given the same response even without your back story.

Who would use violence against a newborn (which is what forcing until he gagged was) except someone who is clearly NOT to be trusted. I don't normally froth on MiL threads, but that's too horrific for me not to condemn it!

YANBU - even without the backstory. It is rude to schedule someone else's time without checking with them first. Doesn't matter how old your baby is - if she wants you to do something, she should ask first. Isn't that just basic manners?

My parents/ILs have done their share of baby parading and I don't mind. I like DS to meet all of his relatives. I get annoyed if they plan it without asking or if he isn't given back to me when he is making obvious feeding cues, especially if this is because someone wanted an extended cuddle and I get left with a screaming baby who should have eaten before. I don't want to stand over and supervise but I do expect people to be sensible.

Anyway, your MiL sounds nutso. I would really strongly advise you and your DH to have a chat and work out some boundaries/a strategy before you go. Set your boundaries in steel and don't let things slide. The more confident you feel that she isn't going to do crazy things, the more likely you are to leave your baby with her in the future. Your DH is going to need to step up to support you and take a lead with his mother.

Did either of you ever bring up how bad her behaviour was before? I think she'll probably push and push until she hits a boundary so you may as well establish them wherever you want them. You being relaxed and reasonable isn't going to make her be any less crazy - it'll just give more room for her craziness to expand.

I would say perfectly acceptable on all counts tbh
Of course she wants to show off her grandchild. I find your post a little odd.

I would say perfectly acceptable on all counts tbh

Maddy, does that include the bit about MIL forcing a dummy into her GS's mouth until he gagged? And constantly snatching him, as a newborn, from his mother? Or have you only read the OP?

Oh-Oh since I last posted a lot more has come out!
You will need to be very firm with boundaries.
I still think family will want to see him and that is nice- but if she continues to monopolize your baby and intimidate you I think she is going the right way to see less of him than she would have otherwise.
If this happens again could you and your husband have an honest discussion with her at the end of the visit.

"I do want you to have a close relationship with babyname but you are upsetting me and making me feel undermined.
If you continue to do this I am not going to be comfortable bringing him to see you often"
Make sure fil and dh are present-if she does go off on one fil is likely to talk to her afterwards.

Hope it doesn't come to that and removing baby etc is enough.

Try to chill a bit about the relatives handling him-he'll not come to harm-just remove him if he starts to get upset and they don't pick up on it.

Good luck!

If I was going to stay with someone for a week I'd be planning trips out as a week indoors would drive me batty so I'd have told the people i was staying with that i wanted to go out and do stuff and discuss with them ideas of what to do. The extended relatives stuff is OK but i wouldn't want to meet a load of their friends who are nothing to do with me. I would maybe tell her it is sounding a bit much and putting you off coming as you don't want to feel like you are exhibits in a museum.
If I have guests staying I don't invite other people round without discussing it with my guests first as my home is their home for the duration of their stay.
I would be reluctant to stay with someone who didn't take this view and would prefer to stay at a hotel and just visit them..

Don't go. It will be hell.

Ok, going off your OP alone I would have said YABU. However after your update, YANBU and I would advocate a hard stare and telling her to piss off calm herself as she will upset the baby. Can your DH step in and have a word?

I'm thinking that the DH in this scenario isn't going to be much use, if he let his mother railroad the OP so much when the baby was newborn and then 5wo!
Unless, OP, you didn't tell him how upsetting this all was? Or what his mother was actually doing? Because really, if you didn't, you must tell him now.

Tbh I understand her wanting to show off her grandchild but I really don't see its at all unreasonable for OP to be consulted first. My lo would'vescreamed and screamed being passed round. GGenerallywent to no more than 2/3 new people on any one day so huge gatherings ddidn'treally work for us.

Well she'll only act like that if you let her...

I'm glad you feel more confident now. You will need to tell her what she is allowed to do, and set boundaries from the beginning. If she oversteps them, you threaten to leave. If she does it again actually go.

You tell her what she is allowed to do - not the other way round. Say, this is my baby, you had your turn 30 years ago, or whatever. You may have to leave this time, but she will learn her lesson for next time.

As I said to begin with. She will only act like this if you let her...

YANBU. While it's their house, it's your holiday, your time, your baby, you're an adult... It's not too much to expect a polite person to at least let you know and smacks of being underhand that she didn't say with excitement "Ooo it's going to be so good! X and Y are coming! I'm planning a little party."

In the interests of keeping the peace though, I'd e-mail or call her, all chipper, and say something like "DH told me that you've invited friends/family over while we're visiting. That sounds wonderful! DS is taking a while to feed lately so don't forget I'll be popping back to our room for an hour or so to feed him. And I'm sure you understand DH, DS and I are planning to have some outings as a family as well". Try and get specifics out of her so you can plan something (or nothing) the rest of the time. I'd probably try and get everyone to come at once, or break it up into days, depending how many are coming.

If she tries to stand over you and hover while you're holding him, stand up and move away. Or laugh and say "he's not going anywhere MIL, you can stop worrying." Or if she does it to someone else you could say "X when you're done having a hold let me know, he's about due for a feed" so she knows you're getting him back and not her.

I wouldn't leave her alone with him except to pop to the loo, especially in light of feeding him without permission.

Remember though, you are only there a week. As long as she doesn't hurt him she's not really doing any harm (except to your sanity). She should ease off eventually... but remember to be firm.

Back story has totally changed my view. She is awful, I hate that granny who has to take over, it's not being proud or wanting to show a beautiful grand child off, no, it's her trying to imprint herself on your child as if she were his mother.

I would cancel, you could use the week for seeing friends or just cuddling your lovely baby, why let your mil get you down.

You will never get this time back, maybe that is why she is so in your face, her newborn stage has gone so she is trying to steel yours.

She's already said the spare room is not big enough for the cot this visit so he'll have to go in with her

Ah I have one of these. Just fucking certifiable.

Well of course the backstory changes things. Cancelling must be hugely tempting. The problem with these gollums is, the less they see the baby, the worse they get. I would go, because it is arranged and you don't want to give her ammunition be rude. Woman up about firmly enforcing your boundaries, and your baby's. And when she has the anticipated giant wobbler, calmly explain to her why you are leaving, then get in your car and go.

Devise both speech and exit strategy now, while you are calm.

"She's already said the spare room is not big enough for the cot this visit so he'll have to go in with her"

so what would her intention have been?

to keep bringing him in for a bfeed?

Shame you didn't say , "oh OK, we'll not come then!"

And for the cot this visit-so has something changed re the cot??

OP, if you still decide to go (or even when she visits you at home) - can you start using a sling so that DS is less 'accessible' to her when you would like him close to you? Might give you a bit of respite from the hovering and also reaffirm the boundaries. Just be careful that she doesn't start wearing the sling herself...! Good luck

Holy fuck

Don't go - if DH won't be back until 10pm then realistically it is completely unfair for you to have to put up with her shit all day with no support whatsoever.

I agree with pp's about "womaning up" (believe me, it's very hard but I'm beginning to reap the benefits) but I think that this should wait until you have backup from DH. That is assuming of course that you're on the same page with regards to her behaviour.

Has DH seen her batshit behaviour?

I spoke again to Dh and he thinks I should just put up as it's only temp & she doesn't see him much due to distance. He's seen glimpses but I don't think he realises how wearing it is when it's all day long. Her last visit we had a day out with dh there and thinking about it - she backed off that day.

dh did speak again to Fil & he at least said he understands the issue and is going to try and contain it. I said to dh about talking to her directly & he said she'd get too upset. I don't want to cause a rift in the family as I do want DS to have a relationship with his gps. I'm hoping as he gets older it'll be less of an issue. Brother in law will also be there as he lives at home & I get on well with him so he might be able to help diffuse things too.

I think I do have to go - if I don't it really will cause a massive problem. She has been looking forward to/obsessing about this visit for weeks and there'll be tears or much worse. But I am prepared to cut it short if it gets too much.

Thanks everyone for all very helpful suggestions. I'll start my assertive training now! Will also pack the sling! :)

Why are you going to visit?

If your baby needs that much routine - then I wouldn't go and visit (certainly not that long).
If she behaves like that I wouldn't be going to visit. Day visits only or overnights with a Hotel room (Premier Inn and Travelodge often have cheap deals).