another mil dilemma

[butterymushroom]

Hello everyone , I'll try keep this short. I have a three month old baby boy. Our first child. dh is working near his parents for a week ( they live a few hours a way so they've been down to visit & seen DS for 3 days when he was 3 days and for a week when he was 5 weeks) so we're going to stay with them for a week so they can spend some time with their grandson too

1. Is it OK for my mil to arrange for an extended family get together to meet our son without asking my husband and I first? My husband was informed after plans were made & he told me about it after it had all been arranged.

1. Is it OK for mil to ask lots of her friends over to meet the baby during the rest of the week assuming that will be OK with me but not asking?

My parents would never do this so I find it really inconsiderate but maybe I'm just an antisocial misery. What are honest opinions? Is this normal ?

She was pretty insensitive and overbearing in her visits to us so dreading this one in her home .

He was at work. He doesn't get home until
About 9pm and next week he 'll be working until 10pm everyday. Thanks everyone. I'm so grateful for responses & advice. I'm of course happy and pleased for DS to meet extended family thats really not an issue. The issue is that out of courtesy I think she should ask when's good for us & inform us of any plans for us and our baby We are adults after all and should have control over our time even if we're in someone else's house! I would prefer to stay in a hotel & have suggested to dh but he said they'll be mortally offended if we do that.

Oh good Lord, you are going to completely lose the plot while you are there.

And you're going to be on your own with her during the day, every day.

Coping mechanisms - NOW!!!

In the week, you need to have AT LEAST 3 trips outside the house WITHOUT your MIL. Give her minimal details, but let her know when those trips are.

Work to your routines, and DO NOT budge. Routines are a gift from the Gods when you have people like this around you. It gives you the perfect excuse to get the hell away from them and go to your own bedroom. Put a chair under the door handle/suitcase in front of the door if you must, to stop from being disturbed. Just say 'Sorry, I didn't want anyone to ACCIDENTALLY disturb us' when she tries to get in (which you know she will!)

DON'T hand your DS over just because she's standing over you. If she wants to hover, just pretend you don't see her. Pretend she's not there so she gets LESS attention when she's hovering than she would when she's sitting where she should be, which is anywhere rather than that bloody close. Don't hand your baby over UNTIL she's moved away. Train her.

You are really going to have to toughen up, even if she thinks you're a prize bitch. Because THIS is when your battle lines need to be drawn. She already knows she can bully her way with you because you've let her so its going to be really hard to do this, she won't give in easily.

If she's going to carry on like this, OP, I think you & DH are going to need to get over your fear of her being mortally offended pretty quickly.

Sorry YABU - and I speak as someone who has MIL issues.

You should definitely go. But when you're there you have to try to calmly stand up for yourself - if he needs feeding, just excuse yourself - they will have to chat amongst themselves.

If you find it hard to be in the room while he's being passed around (been there)- then again, just excuse yourself - make a cup of tea, do some washing, pop out for a magazine - whatever works.

It is normal for her to want to show him off. It is not normal for her to be so possessive. Choose your battles.

oh and definitely get out by yourself - are there any baby groups local to her? Check that out on the internet. Have you got friends nearby? You could visit them?

I used to take lots of naps when the kids were little - now I just go for long runs which gives me the headspace to get through the visit!

Ok, yes, I get that you might want to go out for a bit by yourself if you're going to be there more than a few days, I used to go and visit old friends when I went to my Mum's a few hours away but I usually left the kids with her.
Can't you leave the baby with them for a few hours and go out for lunch with your DH or go shopping or for a walk something.
MiL would probably love it and you get some time on your own.
Take the baby out for a walk by yourself if you want.

I know it's easier said than done but just don't let her hold him for so long. It's ok to say no to her. Holding your newborn for 10 hours a day is not ok if you didn't want her too. All of that sounds so selfish on her part. It makes me mad! I wouldn't go if I were you - can you or your DS be ill instead?

Kerrist - I knew there was more to this but that is batshit stuff that she did!
You really need to make a stand and remind her whose baby your DS is. You REALLY need to do that.

I'm beyond disgusted that she took him off you for so many hours a day at 5wo; and the dummy thing is one of the most awful things I've heard with regards to MIL/baby interaction for some time. :(

You need to stand up for both yourself and your DS; your DH should also be standing up for both of you too but since he won't be there for the vast majority of the time that you will be, then you've got to be able to do it for yourself.

Be firm, be clear, be polite - but do NOT allow her to sideline you like that again, it's outrageous!

Wreckingball: I know I feel so guilty for letting her do it and not saying anything. I think I was in shock & didn't know how to react. If you met her you'd never believe it! I feel a lot more confident as a mum now so wouldn't allow it to happen again & no dummies are coming with us! I'm going to try and get in the conversation somewhere that I don't think dummies should be forced and are just for bedtime. I know my post make her sound bad but on the face of it she's a lovely woman she just seems to go so crazy around DS.

Well the backstory changes my opinion completely. Just don't go and stay for a week, you may kill her.

Your husband will be at work?

for the love of God don't go unless you can stand up to her!

Do try to talk to her about dummies.

If you see her with one say no!

And don't let her have your son alone if you can't trust her.

OP, having read your update of 11.12 on her behaviour when visiting you, I think I need to adjust my suggestions.

DO NOT GO.

This woman is batshit crazy, and the visit will destroy any chance of a good relationship between the two of you. She will behave even worse than she did when at yours, and you will either quiently seethe with resentment or explode at her. There's also a good possibility the resentment/explosion will overflow into your marriage, to its detriment.

If your husband is to much of a mummy's boy to stand up for you and tell her it's off, and you don't want to trigger her mortally offended just yet, invent a reason why you can't go. D&V is always useful, you wouldn't want to travel in that state and you wouldn't want to pass it on to the rest of the household/visitors.

Do NOT GO. The fallout of spending a week with this domineering loon will be far, far worse than the fallout of not going.

Sorry, that should be don't...

Blimey I can't imagine for a minute why you have agreed to a while week at their house. It's hard enough staying in anyone's house but with the baby as well.

Well after update extended family are the least of your problems, I get on with MIL but would not dream of spending a whole week, with what has happened why agree to a whole week, I would create a doctors appointment that will mean you can only visit for a short weekend.

Yikes. I thought my mil was bad. I ended up reading Ann Dickson's A woman in your own right to learn some assertiveness techniques.

Turning on the tears and anger to get her own way is worrying. You need some strategies in place if you'll be on your own with them for a week with DH working late.

Should say whole week

No. Don't go. Get some sort of bug the night before and stay home.

Sounds like hell on earth.

Oh god, this sounds like my worst nightmare. My mil certainly wasn't like yours but even so, spending a whole week with the pils whilst your husband is at work is not easy . In your case it is also avoidable .... even if you have to tell a few white lies to get out of it . Why are you even considering it given what she was like ?

With that backstory? I would simply not go.

With a normal MIL, it would be fine for her to arrange for a family get together and so on while you were staying. That's not the issue. I wouldn't take my baby to stay for a week with the person you've described even if she'd sworn there wouldn't be a single other visitor.

OK OP, practice:

"Oh he needs . I will take him now."

Take him from whereever he is. Leave the room with him.

Also practice. "We are not doing it like that." or "We do not...

Sorry I take my post back. I thought you were dealing with a proud and slightly bossy first time granny, not an absolute nutcase

Don't go. Certainly don't go for a week.

Go for one overnight and let her have her party and showing off. That would be the kind thing to do.

What is your FIL like, can he help to get her to see that it's unacceptably smothering to behave like that?

But also I think you have to dig deep and be assertive. She is thinks she can get away with this stuff because she is your DP's mother and you are a "child" and somewhere you and DP allow it. Be calm and polite and very clear about the boundaries. Treat it like a business meeting.

I thought my mil was toxic but yours sounds like a complete nightmare! I think you'll have to be brave and stand up to her. If you don't, she'll continue to try and control your life.
Good advice from MyFirstName
Go for it OP!