another mil dilemma

[butterymushroom]

Hello everyone , I'll try keep this short. I have a three month old baby boy. Our first child. dh is working near his parents for a week ( they live a few hours a way so they've been down to visit & seen DS for 3 days when he was 3 days and for a week when he was 5 weeks) so we're going to stay with them for a week so they can spend some time with their grandson too

1. Is it OK for my mil to arrange for an extended family get together to meet our son without asking my husband and I first? My husband was informed after plans were made & he told me about it after it had all been arranged.

1. Is it OK for mil to ask lots of her friends over to meet the baby during the rest of the week assuming that will be OK with me but not asking?

My parents would never do this so I find it really inconsiderate but maybe I'm just an antisocial misery. What are honest opinions? Is this normal ?

She was pretty insensitive and overbearing in her visits to us so dreading this one in her home .

It's her home, and her grandchild - and your DH's family - it's nice that she is proud and pleased and wants to show you off.

But you are not prisoners, but guests. Why not ring her and together make a plan for the week so that you can 1. have some time to go our and do nice things with DS, 2. take advantage of MIL and let her look after him a bit whilst you take a break 3. ensure she understands if there are fixed-ish regular nap and feed times and how you find it easiest to deal with them.

Overstimulated my arse though, I think you are just feeling a bit antisocial. Which you will just have to get over.

At least she shows and interest....you sound like you really dislike her.

You need to be an adult woman up! Breezy friendly firm say to mil happy to see guests on Tuesday/Friday or whatever but I will need a few quiet days with no visitors to rest and so will the baby .

Do not do the pathetic option of saying nothing to the poor woman but feeling aggrieved and moaning about her behind her back. However I always loved showing my baby off to anyone that was interested!

Why don't you ring/email your MIL and give her a breakdown of your DC's routine. Tell her this is what happens during the day, you expect she's going to want to show off her grandchild so could she ensure that visits are kept within the appropriate hours, and also give her the days you'll be out. Tell her that you are very strict about his routine because it has consequences on his nighttime sleep if you disrupt it.

This is such a non-issue OP, you really have to chill out a bit. Firstly, of course your MIL wants to show the baby off to her friends and the rest of your family. It's not ideal, it's a pain in the backside but she's arranged for people to come to her rather than you having to visit them. Just leave the room if you think it's getting a bit much or it's time for milk/changing/naps etc. you will have to stand your ground when it comes to these things.

Your baby is not a newborn anymore so the boundaries change a bit as they get older, with this comes the ability for them to adapt and cope with different situations. If you are precious about these things you'll project this anxiety onto your baby which will make social situations harder as time goes on. Not everyone has to 'ask your permission', if you think that this has to be the case then things will just get increasingly difficult. I'm not trying to be harsh here but life doesn't have to be this difficult. Be clear with MIL that on this day you will be doing .... And that you'll be available at the other times. Be clear now so that it doesn't get harder.

It's difficult not to be PFB but you have to try.

"She was pretty insensitive and overbearing in her visits to us so dreading this one in her home ."
"Yes, she did beg me to come - I'd rather not after how she behaved at our house which could be the real root of my issue."
"Nobody has asked me about his routine etc, he's only just had his jabs & he doesn't sleep that well because he gets overstimulated easily but none of that has been thought about. I Am bfing too."

I'm guessing she treated your DS as personal property and you as an inconvenient interruption to HER time with him? Criticised everything you did? Ignored your protests that he needed to feed/sleep/have quiet time? And all while on your 'territory', so you're anticipating it being much worse when she's on her home turf?

If so, your DH needs to act like a husband and not like a son. Tell her he's thought about the visit, and realised how it will affect HIS son. He needs to point out to his parents IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that DS is your son and what you say, goes. Doesn't matter if the living room is heaving with visitors, if he needs to feed or nap, then that is what happens. You are the one who is tuned to his needs, she absolutely may not whine, complain, criticise or try to guilt you out of prioritising your son's needs over her choreography.

And when you are there, you need to act as if that's a given. No backing down, no cringy body language. Be cheerfully assertive on the surface, even if you are curling up inside. Have some responses ready for expected rubbish, e.g when she tries to override what you want to do with your son, a well-aimed 'well that may have been thought best in your day, but not so much now' can be your friend. Try and look slightly pitying at the same time if you can. Counter a wheedling 'surely he'll be fine with x' with 'Not if we want him to get to sleep tonight'. Plan ahead. Practice in front of the mirror .

If it helps, remember that all these random aunts and second cousins are your son's family- not just your MIL's. It's a nice thing for them to meet. Honest!

I think you are being U and precious about a three month old meeting relatives and friends - it's nice that people want to meet your baby! Try to be gracious about it rather than sulking off.

BUT you said in your post that PIL had visited for 3 days when your DS was only 3 days old!!! Ye gods, that would have driven me round. the. bend. Who goes to stay with a brand new mum!? How overbearing and shit for you. That must have been awful OP so I do understand where you are coming from.

But, on this one, you are being rude. No one but you gives a fig about his routine (rightly) so it is up to you to make it work for him while you are there. Good luck!

Their house so they can ask people round and arrange get togethers if they want to. If you don't like it then stay in a hotel.

I think you could be a bit more easy going and go with the flo.
You can still stick to your routine-just take the baby upstairs if you need to feed him or its nap time.
Make sure you get out a bit when there are no visitors so tensions don't build up'

TBH i think you are being a bit pfb=if you have another child you won't be able to keep to routine like this because of other child's activities.

They aren't really doing anything wrong this time and her friends/relatives will love to see your baby. Chill :)

PS what did she do to upset you when he was tiny-is that the problem?

Unless she is horrible when you get there you will look like a miserable cow if you object.
Start off pleasant and friendly and if she crosses the line put up boundaries sharpish!

To the poster who asked about a backstory - basically Pil came when I got out of hospital & my milk hadn't come in so the breast feeding clinic advised I do a n afternoon skin to skin . Dh explained I had to go upstairs with baby & they said fine. After a couple of hours I could hear them getting angry saying they'd had enough. dH spoke to them & mil shouted at dh saying they had wasted their money on train tickets , hotels etc and. She hadn't got to hold the baby enough. Bear in mind they'd come the eve before - our first night home and mil held him the WHOLE eve! She'd also held him in the morning. In fact she was the only one who did! If anyone else did she would stand over you and hold his head like you weren't holding him properly until you just couldn't stand it anymore & handed him over to her. She even fed him without asking. Anyway, We had to buy them a takeaway to make up for their bad day. The next day mil comes over and cries saying she just wanted to help. I comforted her even though everything hurt like hell. She then held him for the rest of the morning - making passive aggressive comments about how a grandparents job is to hold the baby. She ignored everyone & just spoke to DS "precious baby, perfect baby" for hours on end. I couldn't take it anymore so did some housework & made tea!

The next time they came for a week when he was five weeks. I knew it would be hell and it was but decided to suck it up. Didn't want any tears or drama! She held him for ten hours a day for a week. Again whenever I or anyone held him she would stare and stand over them. The one day I took him out alone I said bye at the door she ran after me down the street and stood over me while I put him in his car seat saying anxiously "is he ok is he ok". I was summoned back in the afternoon as they'd invited cousins over . She kept joking about kidnapping him and saying she didn't know how she'll cope without him. She's going to be bereft and cry all the way home.

When we went out she'd get hold of the pram and march off into the distance leaving me and Fil behind. He kept trying to joke about it saying "oh look baby's gone again" when Fil did manage to wrestle the pram off her he was at our front door waiting as me & mil turned the corner to our street she broke off our conversation mid sentence and RAN to DS as if she hadn't seen him in years and took him from the pram. It was like 10 mins since she'd pushed him!

When he cried for food once she forced a dummy on him and said "you will take it" while holding her hands over his face until he gagged. All because she didn't want to give him to me. When I went to pick him up she cut in front of me and said I'll take him. He refused a dummy completely for a while after that. She kept trying to get me to go out so she could have him alone. It goes on and on like that...

She's already said the spare room is not big enough for the cot this visit so he'll have to go in with her - to which we've said no. ( the room is plenty big enough)! Oh god dreading it so much !! And now I've got to watch her parade him around to her friends like he's her little pet. I just count my blessings they live far away. Oh and she's said she can come down every week to watch him so I can go back to work - thanks !

I knew there had to be a back story. On the face of it it was perfectly reasonable. I would think of some reasons to stay at home and not go.

I suspect the context / backstory is everything here. OP knows how her MIL is likely to behave based on her previous behaviour when DS was a newborn.

Also, it's quite telling that MIL didn't think to let OP or her own son know about her plans during their visit until they asked. I do agree that she's perfectly within her rights to invite anyone she likes to her own home - but it's not okay for her to plan out OP's time without any reference to her or to the baby's requirements. As someone said upthread, she's going to be a guest, not a prisoner.

I also agree that it's nice & natural for the baby to meet his extended family, & family friends. But not to the exclusion of everything else - & if MIL is already complaining that OP & her DH are planning one or two outings during their WEEK LONG stay, then I don't think that really bodes very well for a harmonious visit.

So I understand your concerns, OP, & don't think YABU at all. There's great advice on this thread, though. I think Kerala's approach is excellent - be clear about your position; bright & breezy; direct, pleasant but unapologetic when baby needs taking away to feed / change / nap/ whatever. Assertive, in other words. Don't let your MIL's pushiness force you into the role of a sullen teenager. You're an adult too, & you & DH make the decisions about what you & DS do, not MIL.

Oops, x-posted before the backstory appeared!

FML The etiquette for visiting a young baby?
Did I read that right, there is an ETIQUETTE FOR VISITING BABIES NOW!

Why don't you want MiL to show off her new DGS to her family and pals?
Surely she hasn't got a timetable planned,
Auntie Aggie at 08.30
Mrs Wagstaff at 09.15
Etc.
So you're BFing, fab, you go to your room to feed if you don't like people being in the same room, no biggie.
I am so glad my DiL is normal.

I really, really wouldn't go. It's going to be a week of hell, and if you let her get away with behaviour like that again she's going to be keep expecting to do it in the future. Put your foot down now while you can.

Do not, ever, feel like she has precedence over you when it comes to anything to do with your child. If you want to hold the baby, you hold the baby. You don't need to excuse yourself or find a reason to - it is YOUR baby. No way in hell would anyone be holding my newborn for 1 hour, let alone 10.

If you feel you have to go, then do as previous posters have said. Let her arrange whatever she wants to, but carry on with your routine and what works for you and pop in when it suits you. Go out when you want to and barricade yourselves in a room if that's what you prefer. But honestly, you, and especially your DH, need to communicate to her that that sort of behaviour is nowhere near ok and if she wants to continue to even see the baby she needs to tone it way the hell down.

Okay, just read it. Don't go & stay for a week. It will end in murder tears. I actually think I would have felt violent if someone had forced a dummy into my baby's mouth while he was gagging - that's just disgusting. What is she on? What was your DH doing when all this frankly nuts behaviour was going on?

She's a twat. He's a person and your baby. Not a new car to show off to friends. My MIL did some very similar things (to be fair, not as bad!) and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her taking advantage of me when I was vulnerable. As someone said previously, there's something truly awful about people that have already had their own babies trying to encroach on others like this.

If you have to go, I would follow Surfsup and Where you let it's advice.

Best of luck

OK, so I posted before reading the whole thread.
I still don't get why you'd go to visit then plan days out by yourself.
Grannies and Grandads love showing off their DGC, especially when they don't live close enough to see them very often, her pals might never get a look at her DGC otherwise.

Why did you let her hold a dummy in his mouth until he gagged?
Unbelievable behaviour.

Umm, after that last update, she sounds like Gollum. You are so NBU... If I were you, I wouldn't be going.

My MIL is lovely and wanted her extended family and friends to see my DS but she's never behaved like that.

You need to stand your ground. Stop handing the baby over if you don't want to, if she hangs over you, ask her to give you some air. It'll be hard, but think of it as practice for the future to prevent a catastrophic falling out when you finally snap.

If she ever does anything like the dummy incident again, take the baby away from her straight away.

Do you live near me? I'd happily slap her face for you after reading that.

Well your backstory changes EVERYTHING!! She sounds like a lunatic! I can't believe you agreed to go there for a whole week!!
Cut it short - say you can come for 2 days but will have to get back for "x" convenient excuse.

She's still the granny and she's not bad enough to cut her our completely, but too much time with her could really sour the relationship to a point where you can't remain civil.

I still don't get why you'd go to visit then plan days out by yourself.

Really? Nearly everyone I know who visits family for any period of time does this. There are loads of reasons - wanting a bit of time to yourselves to unwind; finding activities to keep children occupied (obviously not relevant with a small baby); finding it too full-on to be with relatives 24/7; & so on.

DH & I do this when we visit PIL. We have friends in the area where they live so we like to visit them too, & PIL usually have some everyday things they want to get on with - medical appointments etc. And a week's quite a long time to be in someone's company without a break, if you don't normally live with them or even necessarily have much in common with them beyond family relationships.