another mil dilemma

[butterymushroom]

Hello everyone , I'll try keep this short. I have a three month old baby boy. Our first child. dh is working near his parents for a week ( they live a few hours a way so they've been down to visit & seen DS for 3 days when he was 3 days and for a week when he was 5 weeks) so we're going to stay with them for a week so they can spend some time with their grandson too

1. Is it OK for my mil to arrange for an extended family get together to meet our son without asking my husband and I first? My husband was informed after plans were made & he told me about it after it had all been arranged.

1. Is it OK for mil to ask lots of her friends over to meet the baby during the rest of the week assuming that will be OK with me but not asking?

My parents would never do this so I find it really inconsiderate but maybe I'm just an antisocial misery. What are honest opinions? Is this normal ?

She was pretty insensitive and overbearing in her visits to us so dreading this one in her home .

My DSis visited her PIL a couple of weeks after her dc were born for the reason of them meeting the extended family on that side. PIL had been but it wasnt possible for them all to visit here so she went to them. Cant really get all the uproar about having visitors. We had a few visitors per day for at least the first couple of weeks of having my PFB. It was lovely and if i had to bf, i went into another room and dh entertained them with tales of his heroic part in labour .

i think that it's her house & she can invite who she wants when she wants.

But, it's your baby, so you don't have to be there!

My ILs did this.

Pissed me off the not being asked.

It was on a small scale so bearable, but would it have killed them to say beforehand rather than spring it on us a couple of hrs before?

Plus the idea that we have nothing else to do on visits than be at their beck & call!

And of course it's all about them showing off!

These people don't keep in touch with us nor do we with them!

No small baby to show off, no interest!

That's one of the lovely things about small babies. They bring people together.

Your baby is 3 months old. Not a newborn anymore. You can always leave the room to feed or for the baby's naps.

They should probably have mentioned it, but I would think it's pretty normal. When we visit the ILs, she'll say "Uncle X is coming on Tuesday, Auntie B on Wednesday". People like babies.

As an asides, who's that bothered about meeting a new baby anyway...other than parents/grandparents/immediate siblings etc?

Who knows...maybe when I'm that age I'll be desperate to meet my friend's new grandbaby.

Doubt it though. Newborns are a bit meh, unless they're your own.

Sounds OK to me- just take advice from others about putting in nap times.

Yes and yes. Shes mentioned it prior to you staying. Not sure what the problem is. If your ds needs feeding changing etc when party on just go to another room. Enjoy showing off your beautiful baby x

I don't really understand the problem, it's a 3 month old baby not a newborn. Unless there's a huge backstory here, you sound very precious.

YANBU, I remember being irrationally protective of my dd when she was that small and didn't always want her passed around strangers all day, plus it can have nightmare knock on effect for sleeping/feeding later on that you then have to deal with. Agree with pp, that it's pretty standard PIL behaviour so try not to let it rile you, just make sure DH is ready to support you if you need to duck out whenever.
I suspect if you've hinted about them being 'difficult' that you may be expecting criticism for this? E.g. 'Buttery, he's fine, doesn't look sleepy at all to me' ( whilst over stimulating) OR 'I don't think he seems hungry, didn't you just feed him' (disapproving face about how long BF ing is taking you) OR 'why don't you let me give him a bottle' etc etc..
None if these things are evil, just not particularly understanding when you need to just get away into a private room with your baby and attend to their needs. Just, be polite but don't get into protracted conversations about their routine/why you do certain things, be polite but firm - ' I'm afraid he really does need to nap/feed now, so lovely to see you all'.
Good luck! A week can feel a long time! x

If it's all week long I think that's something to be stopped, but one big family event and short other visits should be ok?

It would certainly be courtesy to check with you before firming anything up, but as it's only a week and they live some distance away, I think you have to suck it up. Grandparents get very excited about their grandchildren, it won't be this manic for ever.

I'd probably feel like I'd been turned into Exhibit A in your shoes, but that's what folks do, and I'd suck it up and perform beautifully, storing up my good dil/karma points. x

I think organised a gathering is fine - so at some point the family will want to meet your baby. Just be assertive about his needs, so if he needs a feed, big smile and retrieve him with, "he needs a feed now so I'll take him".

If you get countered with, "oh but Maud was going to hold him next".

Use broken record: "he needs a feed, I need to take him". And take him assertively, don't curl up your body or be apologetic, just assertive. Pleasant and polite, but if your baby needs something, you take him.

They are not going to be there the whole time! If you don't like your MIL it dilutes your time with her!

I'm early 60s and I love meeting my nephews' and nieces' babies.
I've known them since they were born, watched them grow up and become adults and it is now quite joyful to see them with their DCs.

I love meeting a new baby!

These friends and relatives have known your DH for years if not all his life.

I agree paxecum- same age and I love meeting babies!
I can never understand parents who want to police it- especially when they are not new born.

Yes, I see your point. You are going to stay with them, so presumably you might want to go out on your own for a morning, afternoon, all day if you want. As you aren't a prisoner [or are you?].

As you come down to breakfast on a couple of days, with a dressed baby for going out, and say 'do you want anything whilst I am out' and she goes into meltdown about having great aunt Mable and 14 cousins over that day say 'Oh, if you had only let me know what you had planned I could have said I was out today. I'm sure they will have a marvellous time anyway.' And still go out.

Oh a week with my mil would drive me insane !
I have a strict two night rule only !
Do you drive ? Could you just stay for the weekend & go home after that ?

I don't see why it gets a battle and you have to rudely go out when people are coming! Discuss it is an adult way now and get it sorted.

I understand how you feel OP. Neither my mum nor my mil give a moment's thought to what would suit my DS (1 next week) and look quite irritated when I point out that he will need a nap or a feed or whatever. It's like they never had children; until there is something they disapprove of, then you'd think they were flipping Supernanny

When do extended family become more than strangers to your child, I would rather have it organised than having to visit them. I do not live near in laws so welcomed them doing the organising but did it over a weekend. My DC love looking at photos of them as babies with family it makes them feel more included in the wider family.

Ha! She's not forewarned me I asked dh to make investigations as I know what she's like. & I was right - she has a lineup of visitors planned. In the convo he told her I wanted to do a couple of day trips (to escape) and she complained that that it wouldn't leave much time for her friends to visit! We're there a week!

Just go about your business, move yourself from the room if you need to feed or the baby needs to sleep, and let her get on with it. If that means some of the visitors don't get to see the baby, tough, they can come later on in the week.
Tell her not to arrange anything on such and such days as you will be out.
It just wouldn't be a problem for me. I would fit in when it was convenient, and wouldn't when it wasn't. Just be firm but polite.

Op, make sure that YOU don't get the blame for not falling in line!

You BOTH want to get out & about!

And if extended family visit en masse, surely after you have seen and been polite for an hr or so you can leave?

A constant drip, drip of visitors so that you are stuck in all day would be worse.

It might not be as bad as you think.

I agree with not being rude/awkward for the sake of it, but do what needs doing as regards your baby & escape when necessary!

TBH, most people that we met in these circs were much easier to get on with than MIL who is very socially awkward.

I'd be chatting with visitors whilst she was sat in the background like a spare thing.

All the attention fell on us which may not have been the plan!

I understand entirely where you are coming from, I imagine on your MIL's part she is just very excited that you are coming to stay and desperate to show off her DGC as you don't live closeby. I think so often with these things, it is the way they are approached, for example if you MIL had said to you she'd love to get people over to see the baby then perhaps between you, you could have picked times which would be best, etc.

When my DD was 3 weeks old my MILs sister & her children came over from abroad to visit, I knew she was coming and would want to see DD obviously, that was the purpose of her visit, but all I was told was when she was arriving in the UK and when she was leaving, there was no plan arranged to meet, my MIL & her sister discussed it all between them, made plans and then phoned me the night before to say "we're coming over tomorrow, about lunchtime, we're going into town in the morning so we'll be round after that"

Yes, I knew when she was coming but not informing me of plans in advance made me feel I had to sit around and wait for them, my husband told me just to carry on and make my own plans, but could you imagine the fall out if they called to say "we're coming tomorrow" and I said "nope, sorry, I didn't know you were coming but didn't know when you'd be visiting so I've made plans" I would have been met with "well, you knew they were all over to visit!!" truth be told, consultation is the key, if they'd said they were thinking about coming this day and what time would be best I would have felt like I was included rather than being expected to be around. With my MIL it was the excitement of seeing her sister aswell.