another mil dilemma

[butterymushroom]

Hello everyone , I'll try keep this short. I have a three month old baby boy. Our first child. dh is working near his parents for a week ( they live a few hours a way so they've been down to visit & seen DS for 3 days when he was 3 days and for a week when he was 5 weeks) so we're going to stay with them for a week so they can spend some time with their grandson too

1. Is it OK for my mil to arrange for an extended family get together to meet our son without asking my husband and I first? My husband was informed after plans were made & he told me about it after it had all been arranged.

1. Is it OK for mil to ask lots of her friends over to meet the baby during the rest of the week assuming that will be OK with me but not asking?

My parents would never do this so I find it really inconsiderate but maybe I'm just an antisocial misery. What are honest opinions? Is this normal ?

She was pretty insensitive and overbearing in her visits to us so dreading this one in her home .

No, you don't have to go.

You are an adult & can choose who you visit & when.

There will be tears?

Not your problem!

She doesn't see him much due to distance-is she unable to travel to you then?

Or is it that your husband isn't that concerned when it involves him being put out. ie his parents staying with you?

But it's fine for you to be put out-having to stay with them for a week whilst he's at work & you are the one putting up with it!

You need to co front the issue at some point. Not going this time will only delay it till next time.

You dont need DH to stand up for you. Get those big girl pants on.
She will have to behave as you want her to. The alternative is to see you go home and less future visits. You have all the power here.

You don't ever need to be rude. Be polite but firm. Good luck in your assertiveness training.

Practice your responses to her. That will make you feel more confident.

"It's lovely that you love ds so much and want to help out, but he needs .... or I want..... "

Please respect my feelings on this or I will leave the room/go home."

"You had your time as a parent. Now it's my turn to....

"It's not good for him to cuddle him for so many hours/do whatever. I don't want him spoilt."

"Current guidelines say..."

What boundaries you set that week will set the tone for the future. You want ds to have a good relationship with them. So it is in his interests for you to take no nonsense. You would be doing the whole family dynamics no good, by being a wimp then resenting all future interactions. A bit of pain now for future gain.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Lordy she sounds challenging.

The sling is a good plan

Will you have access to a car to escape.

I do think visitors aren't the problem. They won't generally stay that long and most will be far more accommodating and sensible than your MIL. A big party is quite handy because you get to hide more easily.

If she gets too much then go home and she can learn to behave

'Gollum'

And probably the most important ones I missed out.

"This is the way I have decided to do it"

"This is what I want to happen"

"I'll take him now"

Move yourself physically away from her if she is hovering or "can you move a bit please mil, I'm feeling a bit crowded here"

And there is nothing wrong with actually saying that you want her to have a good relationship with ds and yourself, but that she actually needs to back off, as you are finding it hard to deal with. And that if she doesn't then she'll end up seeing less of him which is a shame because you really want them to have a good relationship.
Sometimes you just have to spell it out.

I also think you have to expect that if you spell it out (which I think is the best policy unless your personal style is one of UN levels of diplomacy and patience) she will most likely be put out, cry, be upset.

If you go in expecting that response and being ready to comfort but not cave in to emotional manipulation there is hope for the future. Hoping for her to become sensible and then accommodating further needy behaviour is going (ime) to lead to a further bust up at the point you or your DH lose patience. Better imo to be more assertive before the event.

Or just cancel..

Go, be prepared for your dss routine to be out off kilter for a bit, but also have an exit plan organised. If he in overwrought and won't go down to sleep (and she wants to come into your room and settle/cuddle him), how will you deal with it? If he wakes in the night and won't resettle, how will that work? If it all becomes too much for you during the day, do you have a way out for an hour or two?

Have a hot water bottle with you so that if you need to, you can hold it on your head and 'develop a temperature' and have to come home with ds!

Best of luck.

Maybe you will enjoy it. Its lovely that your baby belongs to a big family who are welcoming him. Its lovely to gear them all fuss about him. He will never be the centre of such attention again. But that attention will only last a few minutes as they all get back to their usual chat and you pop off to your room to do your own thing. Does your dh not have some nice cousins that you like that you will enjoy catching up with. And your mil can do all the teas as in her house while if them came to you you'd be running around doing it which is very stressful with a young baby. My D's partner had a baby and l had few get together to show her off. My friends were happy to coo at her for little while then off they went to do their own thing while we had our usual catch up. The mom was proud as punch and excited that we were making a fuss welcoming her little one into our circle. Wouldn't it be worse if their was no excitement as some often find?

"Her last visit we had a day out with dh there and thinking about it - she backed off that day. "
Interesting. That suggests she doesn't want him to see her as she really is. That might be something you can put to use later.

"I spoke again to Dh and he thinks I should just put up as it's only temp & she doesn't see him much due to distance ... I said to dh about talking to her directly & he said she'd get too upset."
I disagree with your husband here. He needs to consider who he wants to protect from upset most - his mother or his wife. He really should be prioritising you over her.

"Brother in law will also be there as he lives at home & I get on well with him so he might be able to help diffuse things too."
Might be a good idea to tip him off early. Ask if he could head his mother off at the pass, so to speak.

"I think I do have to go ... But I am prepared to cut it short if it gets too much. "
Do you have an actual exit plan? Transport at your disposal?

Sorry op l posted that message after reading half way...didn't see back story. Forget what l said. She is totally batty. Where do these mils come from. I couldnt go there for a week. A few days maybe. There is a danger ye will all fall out forever as it will be so tense.just go home after a day or two. A developmental check appointment for the baby or something.

OP you seem to be pushed into the position of "people pleaser". Your DH says his mother will be too upset if your chat to her in advance but by default it is ok for you to be upset when she acted horribly towards you and your son.

Of course you want your DS to have a relationship with your in laws but that should not be at the expense of your feelings and the needs of your baby. A couple of visitors for a cuppa and a cuddle - lovely. MIL undermining you, going bonkers over the baby and shoving a dummy down his neck is not ok.

It's absolutely fine to use the word no and mean it.

"she forced a dummy on him and said "you will take it" while holding her hands over his face until he gagged."

When she does something OTT, just remember the above & give her both fucking barrels-and then leave.

"You will take it" to a baby

Thought so - your DH isn't prepared to stand up for you or your DS, because he doesn't want to rock the boat and upset his mother. Useless bugger.

You DO NOT Have to "put up with it" for any length of time - so I suggest that you get straight to it, the first time she tries to have baby away from you. Tell her it will only be for a few minutes because he needs to be changed/fed/put down for a nap. Make it very clear, do NOT ask, TELL her. Be civil, but firm. Any hint of wavering, and she'll ride roughshod over you and kick you for good measure.

Have you told your DH about the dummy nonsense? You still should. He could do with getting a backbone where his mother is concerned as well - I have zero patience with women who use tears to get their own way, it's a disgusting habit!

If ds has specific naps then get Dh to call his mum to give her the details so she can arrange around them - it doesn't have to be confrontational and he can ask what she has planned so you can plan around that.

Yes and yes. It's not like you are 2 weeks post birth. Then it would be unreasonable. Or if your baby had colic/reflux abc she knew about it and how difficult it was, then it would be unreasonable.

Invent some old school/university friends to meet for lunch in a nearby town. Have an overnight stay with one of them (in the Premier Inn).

I said to dh about talking to her directly & he said she'd get too upset

Your contention is that your mother-in-law is unhinged.

His reason to not deal with that is to say that she's unhinged.

Normal people don't get "too upset". That he's concerned that she will proves your point without further discussion.

I agree that the person who gets most upset shouldn't be the person who always gets their own way. It shouldn't be competitive tantrum time. I would still say that you plan to go out some of the days as I would do that anyway. If your husband is away all day then what you do with your time isn't up to him. I would be telling her that her friends are welcome to visit her but on days x and y you intend to go out and that as you don't know her friends it doesn't matter if you and your son aren't there. I'd be fairly forceful on this. It's your holiday too. I probably wouldn't have gone if my husband wasn't going to be there if you don't get on with her.