To not know how to tackle this issue with DP any more?

[scarfmisuseissues]

Please be constructive as even doing this AIBU has taken a lot of bravery! I've namedchanged but am a lurking regular - penis beaker, cutted up pear, naice ham, TEKL. Yada yada.

I am in a long term relationship with three children. My DP is a lovely man, he works hard for us, he's a great dad, he's a considerate partner. He suffers really badly with BO.

It's not a constant thing, it's sometimes worse than others, but has been an ongoing issue for the ten years we have been together. I have spoken to him about it several times, each time he will make more of an effort for a while then things go back to where they were before.

He's not filthy, he has a really high metabolism and is quite a hot person who sweats a lot, which I think is contributory, but he just doesn't shower enough and doesn't wear antiperspirant consistently. Over the years I've bought him all manner of different ones including Mitchum and one that's supposed to be super duper effective and was really expensive - he doesn't wear them properly.

He works in a customer facing role and it must be noticeable in work, I know his manager has brought it up with him at least once and I feel it now must be affecting his work prospects. It is affecting our relationship as I don't really want to be intimate with him, and if he doesn't shower before bed I can't even sleep facing him. I do not want to always be the bloody hygiene police and constantly have to try to find ways of telling him to have a shower without upsetting him, he gets defensive if he thinks I'm saying he smells, but how many ways can you say "If you pop and have a shower leave it running for me afterwards will you?".

I'm constantly embarrassed and stressed about this and it's making me miserable. How can I raise it - again - and get him to actually take what I'm saying on board for more than a few weeks?

Bloody hell, how annoying for you. I would hate this.

I don't know the answer other than to treat him like a child and order him to have a shower each day. Perhaps a star chart would help

How does he react if you just tell him to shower?

Do you use biological washing powder?

how does he feel about it? miserable? defensive? doesn't care? I think it will really only change if he wants it to change.

if he does want to change but forgets, then he needs to make it a habit. to build a routine where showing / using antiperspirant is as routine as putting on socks in the morning. Little things like putting the Mitchum on top of his clothes so he sees it as he gets dressed. Or even a phone app that beeps a reminder. It takes work to create a habit but it can be done.

If he can't get himself together with you being gentle, then maybe you'll have to be as blunt as you can as tell that he's reeks, people notice and you're embarrassed by it. Not nice at all, but it might be what he needs to buck up his ideas.

Yes, bio washing powder, and massive overdoses of fabric conditioner in a somewhat futile attempt to combat it.

I am nearing the stage where I think I'm going to have to just tell him he has to shower every night before bed or I can't have him sleeping next to me. It just feels like he has no regard for me to want to come to bed smelling nice, and it's hurtful.

You say he isn't showering enough....he needs to start.

To be honest I wouldn't beat around the bush with this.

What does he say if you ask him why he doesn't keep up the good work?

Is his own sense of smell faulty?

Well it is Op it's disrespectful towards you. He should be showering.

I don't really ask, joan. I'm not very good at confrontation and every time I've tackled him on this I've got really wound up beforehand then really tearful and upset because he gets defensive and snappy.

I think I'd probably have to be blunt and accept the fallout of a couple of days' sulking.

Does he wear fresh clothes every day? Its really only stale sweat that smells so he needs to wear tops once and shower daily.

He is a grown man, and special needs excepting, should be able to do these two things. I couldnt share a bed (let alone do anything in it) with a BO man. Yack.

Is there some sort of psychological probelm hes not told you about?

I think the time for being gentle has passed. It's affecting your relationship and his work, you need to be blunt.

It must be some kind of psychological issue though. Most people, if their boss told them they smell, would be mortified and start showering twice a day, be anxious to fix the problem. There must be some reason why he doesn't want to fix it. Does he have any other odd behaviour?

Does he maybe think it's just you that's having a nag? Is there anyone else, like a close friend or relative, that would have a word with him - it might help coming from someone else. If his manager only mentioned it once and didn't raise it again, he maybe thinks that he's done enough and that his irregular use of deodorant etc has done the job.

How often does he shower?

Is he lazy and unmotivated in other areas of his life?

Any chance of telling him every time he's smelly but just keeping it light hearted and mundane? That's what I do with my DD who's just hit puberty and is newly smelly "DD you smell. Have a shower tonight won't you?"

When I first met DH he was often smelly and for many months I didn't bring it up but eventually stated doing so and taught him about deodorant (how did he not know? He'd been married before ffs) But since then he's been mostly OK as he uses it daily. I do still tell him to shower sometimes though.

So stop dropping hints, offering to leave showers running, etc ,- men often fail to get them. Tell him direct that he smelly. He'll get used to it and learn not to take offence

Oh god this sonds dreadful.?i think you need to be blunt and say something like 'you smell awful and I can't stand to be too close to you.
And then run out of the house.

What does he wear to work? My DH always used to wear white t-shirts under his shirts (old fashioned approach but it works).

I'm utterly useless at confrontation too, but I can take a practical approach which can elicit a different response. So 'Well, the fact is that we're going to have to think of a way to keep you nice to be near...' sort of feel.

Does he shower daily? As if he showered in the morning, used deoderant and had a wash at night then he should be ok. Is it the evening wash he's avoiding? Or more?

Does he understand how body odour works? Does he understand that he absolutely can't wear clothes (tops, at least) more than once, and that it's layers of stale sweat that causes the problem? Is he aware that he has to be washed and clean before he puts deodorant on or it makes no difference at all?

If no one has ever told him this it needs to be done. It's absolutely not on that you should be suffering due to his lack of good hygiene. But it'll also be affecting him without him realising it. It's not healthy to be manky, it's not good for the mind.

I think you should Think about writing a letter.

You can say exactly what you want to say without bursting into tears.

You can even be more direct about the issue.

Then you either give to him or use it as a way to stay on track when you talk to him.

I know it's hard my sd stinks! She has aspergers and I think it makes her unaware of her hygiene. Iv tried to help her with it but she's an adult so by the time I see her next she back to square one. It's so so frustrating!

I don't have to share a bed with her though!

Do you think he's getting defensive because he thinks you should love him, personality quirks, minor irritations and all - and he sees his hygiene as something that shouldn't bother you if you really love him?

I think the time for being gentle has passed. You need to pick a time to tell him where you're both happy and nothing else is going on. Don't bring it up tagged onto the end of an argument.

He might find it easier if you list your expectations: Shower all parts of his body, every day. Clean teeth in the morning and before bed. Clothes to be washed this way and worn for however many days before being rewashed, etc.

I think you are going to have to sit him down and say things very carefully and slowly. Say it is affecting your relationship and he must take everything you say onboard and shower daily (twice?) plus use deodorant every day. If he stops you are going to tell him everyday that he smells unpleasant, so prewarn him that you will be continuing to talk to him about it whether he likes it or not.

I have had to talk to a previous bf in the past about BO issues and it wS very difficult do you have my sympathies.

If showering twice a day is not realistic (I prefer to deal with the reality of what is actually likely to happen, not the ideal) then perhaps you could keep a stock of body wipes for him to use before bed, to at least clean the worst of the sweat/bacteria off. A shower first thing every morning would ensure he starts off fresh and clean every day.

Does he suffer from depression or any other mental health difficulties? Sometimes a lack of motivation for self care is a result of some deeper issue.

Oh yes and wearing a cotton undershirt will definitely help to cut down on odours. A clean and fresh one every day, obviously :-)