To not know how to tackle this issue with DP any more?

[scarfmisuseissues]

Please be constructive as even doing this AIBU has taken a lot of bravery! I've namedchanged but am a lurking regular - penis beaker, cutted up pear, naice ham, TEKL. Yada yada.

I am in a long term relationship with three children. My DP is a lovely man, he works hard for us, he's a great dad, he's a considerate partner. He suffers really badly with BO.

It's not a constant thing, it's sometimes worse than others, but has been an ongoing issue for the ten years we have been together. I have spoken to him about it several times, each time he will make more of an effort for a while then things go back to where they were before.

He's not filthy, he has a really high metabolism and is quite a hot person who sweats a lot, which I think is contributory, but he just doesn't shower enough and doesn't wear antiperspirant consistently. Over the years I've bought him all manner of different ones including Mitchum and one that's supposed to be super duper effective and was really expensive - he doesn't wear them properly.

He works in a customer facing role and it must be noticeable in work, I know his manager has brought it up with him at least once and I feel it now must be affecting his work prospects. It is affecting our relationship as I don't really want to be intimate with him, and if he doesn't shower before bed I can't even sleep facing him. I do not want to always be the bloody hygiene police and constantly have to try to find ways of telling him to have a shower without upsetting him, he gets defensive if he thinks I'm saying he smells, but how many ways can you say "If you pop and have a shower leave it running for me afterwards will you?".

I'm constantly embarrassed and stressed about this and it's making me miserable. How can I raise it - again - and get him to actually take what I'm saying on board for more than a few weeks?

fizzy you obviously haven't been on MN long enough if that shocks you.

I am constantly amazed at the number of people on MN who are happy to say they don't wash very often. Some of them are insistent that they don't smell, even after several days but some are quite happy and almost proud to admit they they sometimes do smell. They seem to find it funny, in the same way that a teenaged boy finds his own farts funny.

I am not an obsessive clean freak by any stretch of the imagination, I don't shower before bed (unless I really feel I need it, usually if I skipped my shower that morning for whatever reason) and I've been known to miss the odd day's shower altogether here and there, if I'm doing nothing important, but I KNOW I don't smell. If I am in any doubt whatsoever, I shower. If I am going out and meeting up with people, I shower. And I would never miss two days in a row, even if I was all alone in the house. I'd feel itchy and scuzzy and grim.

Since I've been on MN I've encountered people who say they:

change their bed sheets every 3-6 months

change their bath towels every 2 months

own one bra and wash it once a month

say quite proudly that they are famous in their family for having really smelly feet and not bothering to wash them

say they never shower or bath because they 'don't like the sensation' or they think it's 'bad for your skin' so they 'strip wash' at the sink every few days, and this is sufficient apparently

one otherwise quite sane person who stands in her bath each day with a washing up bowl of warm water but no soap of any sort, and washes her fanjo using the previous day's knickers as a flannel.

You really do see it all on here.

Can he not smell himself? Men can be such dirty buggers...

I used to be a very sweaty Betty. I used this antiperspirant at night for a few weeks called Driclor (you can buy it in Boots)... Sorted me right out. It was amazing stuff.

But he still needs to shower every day too.

To be honest I have seen some of those threads here and there when lurking. And you are right, people seem to delight in their dirtiness and smelliness almost like it is a badge of honour. It still shocks me though. And your examples are plain disgusting - HOW and WHY would you want to live that way?!

Also love the 'washing is bad for your skin' brigade and those who KNOW that they don't smell even though they only shower once in three days.

own one bra and wash it once a month faints clean away

Here's a good motivator for the non tooth brushers:
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/283649.php

And fragolino why did you make babies with such a disgusting lump? Is basic personal hygiene not something that you expect in a life partner?

Some people really don't smell even if they only wash every two or three days. Some people don't have body odour even when they do sweat. And they probably are careful to only wear their tops once and then air out/hang up/wash. And washing too often can be bad for your skin if you're very sensitive. Unless you're just washing with water.

Plenty of people aren't too fussed about washing twenty times a week and are just fine.

Some people THINK they don't smell when they wash only every two or three days. They may not smell of sweat but they will definitely smell of that horrible fusty unwashed smell that dirty people have.

Washing your skin daily is not bad for it - I have incredibly sensitive skin, am allergic to just about everything but I shower every day without any ill effects. I think that 'it's bad for you' is an excuse for the lazy and dirty in our midst - probably the sort of excuse the OP's husband would trot out.

As for 'wearing their tops only once' - well that is normal clean person behaviour not something to brag about!! Don't understand what you mean about 'air out/hang up' - surely you just mean wash?

Well of course there are lots of people who stink but don't realise it, but that doesn't negate the fact that there are also others who don't actually smell. I highly doubt you've met every single person in the world who doesn't wash every day. Or have you? I do hope you understand that your personal experience doesn't actually inform every aspect of the world?

I'm not speaking on my own behalf, by the way. It's not a case of me going merrily about my day deluding myself that I'm not stinky! But I know people who don't need to wear deodorant, for example, as they don't smell.

I also have known people who are lucky enough never to have to shave their legs!

No if you were clean when you put it on and have worn deodorant and aren't a particularly sweaty person you can wear a top more than once. If you air your shirt by hanging it so that it can dry out, and if you wash again before you put it on so there is no stale sweat on you, then it's perfectly fine.

I think for a lot of these very smelly people it's about more than just not washing. It's also about not changing their clothes, not bothering to get undressed at night, wearing things so much that there are layers of dirt and sweat embedded on them and then once it's entrenched it's not even possible to wash it out.

Diet also has some effect, and personal biology.

In my experience (I work in a job where I deal with people very close-up), bad BO doesn't wash off. They will walk out of the shower smelling like they did when they went in, only steamier. So, it's down to a bacteria on the skin. Frequent showers are still necessary, but also a good deodorant.

Not being good at confrontation is problematic, OP, but you're going to have to bite the bullet on this. Don't try to be gentle or casual - sit him down and talk to him directly. He may be defensive and try to deflect but be very firm. Make it clear that you can't stand it any more and remind him that his boss has spoken to him about it. And firmly reiterate that he has to take drastic measures to fix the problem until he admits that you are right and promises to do so.

HolgerDanske I may be out of the ordinary here but I would never wear any item of clothing twice if it had been close to my skin in the way a top is. Straight in to the washing machine.

And what is this about not bothering to get undressed at night? Surely that does not happen.

People with aspergers need very messages..hints are no good. My dh suffers from depression and when he is feeling down he is inclined to skip his shower. I don't spare him . l treat him just like my sons when they in early teens. I look at him straight and say one word..SHOWER!...He has no b.o. issues is very thin and l could say in 30 years l have never got a smell but it's a horrible habit to get into ..not showering. Also his hair would be dull. I have also said if we are going outand he is too down in himself to shower..l say LM going no where until you have showered..clean clothes etc. I don't make a big issue just straight out and then on we go. So no beating about the bush. Be direct

Oh heavens, this is bringing back to me memories of a bloke I went out with very briefly ... he absolutely reeked of stale sweat, telling me sweating was 'natural' and deodorants and anti perspirants 'unnatural' and bad for the environment. He also farted whenever he felt like it - in shops, with friends, at dinner parties ... yes, because farting was 'natural' and 'better out than in'. My hints were ignored but I saw the light one evening when we were with friends of his, having supper and he excused himself to visit the downstairs loo, where he did noisy dumps and came out, leaving the loo door wide open, back to the dinner table, the stink following him ...

I dumped him that night.

Btw I'm definitely not disagreeing that being stinky is usually due to laziness and just not caring... Of course it is. Either that or just not knowing or understanding about proper hygiene measures. Just saying there's no reason to go overboard with the must wash twice a day thing either. Not everyone has to.

But there are also certain health conditions that actually make it very hard to stay smelling clean. That must be horrible.

When I was carrying around three stone more and had undiagnosed diabetes, I sweated a lot more. Thankfully I love showers and baths, they are some of my favourite relaxing activities, so staying clean has never been a hardship. And I have an ever present safety valve as my partner has an extremely sensitive sense of smell hence no tolerance for even the slightest bit of mustiness. So if he says I smell good I know I do.

That made me laugh - especially about the smell from the loo following on behind him. What a catch he was!

I don't think you are out if the ordinary. Most of the time I don't wear things twice either, but there are times when I do. I suppose it helps that I wear a cotton vest underneath because then the top isn't actually touching the skin, and sweat tends to collect on the inner garment. Which is what I do if I intend to wear a top again. I do it with one or two tops because they are delicate and I don't want to wash them too often.

Oh on going to sleep in clothes, I bet it happens a lot. Men who stay up half the night playing on the play station and then fall asleep on the sofa for example. Grim.

Would it be a sensitivity issues as people with aspergers can be extremely sensitive to touch and is it the water pouring down he is avoiding. Nowadays the children get help with this stuff but a while back it wasn't even noticed. Also people with aspergers can often be quite anxious dealing with people so that would increase BO...but still needs shower no matter what is going on

I totally believe all those who say they hardly ever shower. I can smell them all every time I use public transport/go to the shops/step outside my front door.

Used to think I had an oversensetive sense of smell but reading this thread proves it's not me, it's them. Yuk!

Has anyone said they hardly ever shower? I think most people do, surely? Well most people who don't stink, i mean. I think once a day is sufficient if you don't sweat a huge amount. But then I do change my bedding really often and I only have one uniform for work so I always wear fresh clothes.

Yes beds need changing weekly and we always shower before going to bed. The comment re people changing their bedding every 2-3 months was particularly grim. Especially when it seems to be the norm not to shower before bed. Imagine the state of their sheets....

Yes I prefer to shower before bed, that way I know I and my bed are always clean. Mornings I don't, but I do shave every day so I suppose the gel acts as some kind of soap. My room is also always fresh as I never close the windows, not even in the dead of winter. Which probably helps.

Eurrgh, my ex used to smell. He would shower every other day, it was less when we met but I managed to bully persuade him into showering that often.

The thing was, he would smell, not always of BO but of sweaty balls and that horrid greasy hair smell. And he KNEW he smelled, but he wouldnt wash unless it was a "shower day". Why? It takes five minutes to have a bloody wash.

He always had bad breath as well. He refused to brush his teeth at night, nobody in his family did.

Interestingly, my DP now sometimes doesnt even shower that often, and he rarely smells. He's another strip-washer, though. His feet do reek when he's been on them a lot though, something my ex never suffered with.

It's worth noting too that sometimes, clothes that have been sweaty and been washed can smell clean, but then wearing them seems to reactivate the sweaty smell. Bio powder and all the rest doesnt always help, I've had to throw away clothes because of this. I shower twice a day most days and rarely smell but if I ever do, it ruins my top!