To not know how to tackle this issue with DP any more?

[scarfmisuseissues]

Please be constructive as even doing this AIBU has taken a lot of bravery! I've namedchanged but am a lurking regular - penis beaker, cutted up pear, naice ham, TEKL. Yada yada.

I am in a long term relationship with three children. My DP is a lovely man, he works hard for us, he's a great dad, he's a considerate partner. He suffers really badly with BO.

It's not a constant thing, it's sometimes worse than others, but has been an ongoing issue for the ten years we have been together. I have spoken to him about it several times, each time he will make more of an effort for a while then things go back to where they were before.

He's not filthy, he has a really high metabolism and is quite a hot person who sweats a lot, which I think is contributory, but he just doesn't shower enough and doesn't wear antiperspirant consistently. Over the years I've bought him all manner of different ones including Mitchum and one that's supposed to be super duper effective and was really expensive - he doesn't wear them properly.

He works in a customer facing role and it must be noticeable in work, I know his manager has brought it up with him at least once and I feel it now must be affecting his work prospects. It is affecting our relationship as I don't really want to be intimate with him, and if he doesn't shower before bed I can't even sleep facing him. I do not want to always be the bloody hygiene police and constantly have to try to find ways of telling him to have a shower without upsetting him, he gets defensive if he thinks I'm saying he smells, but how many ways can you say "If you pop and have a shower leave it running for me afterwards will you?".

I'm constantly embarrassed and stressed about this and it's making me miserable. How can I raise it - again - and get him to actually take what I'm saying on board for more than a few weeks?

that horrid greasy hair smell

Yes! This is the smell that the non washers carry round for days when they think that they don't smell because they have (presumably) sniffed their armpits, feet and crotches and think that they'll do for another day!

Putrid buggers.

YANBU

If his boss has brought it up, it must be fairly noticeable. A normal boss wouldn't raise an issue with someone who say, was a bit sweatier than average by end of shift.

How often is he showering / otherwise washing? If he needs to shower twice a day and is still stinky in-between might be worth a visit to the doctor.

If you're going to say he plays sport but showers twice a week....then yeah, he just needs to wash more.

Daft question perhaps, but when he does wash, is he washing 'properly'? Standing under hot water will do a certain amount, but is not a proper soaping down, particularly if he is a bit hairy / in pits etc.

Also echo what keepabreast says.

I thought I was very clean, but found myself feeling a bit less than fresh in mid afternoon. I soon realised it was when I was wearing 'favourite' items of clothing that had been washing frequently at 30 degrees. They seemed clean, but the slightest sweat seemed to reactivate 'old smells'. I've had some success with Vanish anti-bacterial, but some items couldn't be rescued.

I yes that's another bugbear of mine - 30 degrees is not always sufficient!!

Washing at very low temperatures is inadvisable and ineffective for anything other than lightly soiled delicates. I know it's supposed to be better for the environment and cheaper on the electric bills but just doesn't do a good enough job on cotton clothing, bedding, towels etc. It also causes a build up of sludgey residue in the machine that stinks like stagnant pond water and will affect the freshness of the laundry. Everyone's machine should get a weekly boil wash run through it, especially for sheets and towels.

Things like shirts for example really need an absolute minimum of 40 degrees and the occasional 60 or 90 degree wash otherwise the bacteria is not dislodged or killed off and things will still smell musty and sweaty.

DH went to work away from home for about three months and was washing all his own shirts. He kept complaining that they were not clean enough and asked me what powder I used etc. When he came back all his shirts had horrible sort of stiff, almost crusty grey/brown patches under the armpits and grimy collars and cuffs and they just smelt stale even when they were supposedly clean.

I asked him how he'd been washing them and there was a programme on the machine he'd used with a symbol of a shirt, so instead of RTFM he just stuck all his shirts on this supposed 'shirt' cycle. Turns out it was a 30 degree rapid wash for things that just needed a quick freshen up!

One blast on a boil wash with some Vanish spray action and they were right as rain again in no time.

[fiftieshousewifeface]

Dove Men do a new strong deodorant that's really worked on my partner, please try it

I tried using a 30deg wash once - DS1 had a fabric toy Buzz Lightyear that had been taken into the garden and got grimy - it came out smelling better but exactly the same colour (grey). Went back in at 40deg - came out clean. I've never bothered with a 30 deg wash since.

Hello.

I wanted to pop back, firstly to thank you all for your thoughts, and for being so wonderfully bloody constructive, AIBU ain't all bad

Thought I would update that things have made an improvement, I have been quite brave and direct, just saying a few times "Please can you shower before you come up to bed" (I go up before him) and he has, I have also washed all his clothing on a hotter than usual wash and it seems to have dealt with some of the residual armpit stink.... it's baby steps but we are getting there so thanks for the kick up the bum to be more blunt.

Woo! Good to hear it's working, scarf.

Deodorant-wise, the stinkies should try Perspirex. You only need to put it on every 3 days and it's superb at stopping smells and wet patches. £7 odd from larger Boots stores but it lasts for ages.