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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to tackle this issue with DP any more?

134 replies

scarfmisuseissues · 08/10/2014 22:09

Please be constructive as even doing this AIBU has taken a lot of bravery! I've namedchanged but am a lurking regular - penis beaker, cutted up pear, naice ham, TEKL. Yada yada.

I am in a long term relationship with three children. My DP is a lovely man, he works hard for us, he's a great dad, he's a considerate partner. He suffers really badly with BO.

It's not a constant thing, it's sometimes worse than others, but has been an ongoing issue for the ten years we have been together. I have spoken to him about it several times, each time he will make more of an effort for a while then things go back to where they were before.

He's not filthy, he has a really high metabolism and is quite a hot person who sweats a lot, which I think is contributory, but he just doesn't shower enough and doesn't wear antiperspirant consistently. Over the years I've bought him all manner of different ones including Mitchum and one that's supposed to be super duper effective and was really expensive - he doesn't wear them properly.

He works in a customer facing role and it must be noticeable in work, I know his manager has brought it up with him at least once and I feel it now must be affecting his work prospects. It is affecting our relationship as I don't really want to be intimate with him, and if he doesn't shower before bed I can't even sleep facing him. I do not want to always be the bloody hygiene police and constantly have to try to find ways of telling him to have a shower without upsetting him, he gets defensive if he thinks I'm saying he smells, but how many ways can you say "If you pop and have a shower leave it running for me afterwards will you?".

I'm constantly embarrassed and stressed about this and it's making me miserable. How can I raise it - again - and get him to actually take what I'm saying on board for more than a few weeks?

OP posts:

lambbone · 08/10/2014 22:39

I think that tiptoeing around an issue like this within a family makes it more of a "thing" than necessary. When lambson leaves it too long after cycling home I'll just say "you don't half pong-go and have a shower". It's just part of the to and fro of family life

BOFster · 08/10/2014 22:40

It's time to be really, really honest.

I know you don't like confrontation, and he won't like it, but you have to get past his bluster and defensiveness and say that while you appreciate it's hard for him to hear, it's actually important, and he has to.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/10/2014 22:41

If it's bad enough for his manager to talk to him about it, it must be really bad. I find it revolting and it would be a cold day in hell before I shared a bed with someone who stank.

I'm sorry but I don't think that he has any respect for you. The fact that he isn't willing to even make the effort to do something as simple as wash himself says a lot about his attitude to you. What would happen if you refused to sleep in the same bed?

purpleroses · 08/10/2014 22:46

I wouldn't assume he had no respect for you. It could be that he has no sense of smell. If you've shyed away from conflict and don't mention it often, and he doesn't notice it himself he could easily forget to keep showering

joanofarchitrave · 08/10/2014 22:53

tBH is there an option in your house now or in the future for you to sleep separately?

It's not actually compulsory to share a bed with someone. But if he values that, it might make him realise that you are serious; in the meantime you can have a space to sleep in that you are comfortable with.

DayLillie · 08/10/2014 22:56

I have an adult ds who needs reminding.

He has some asd problems so I just say "I don't think you have had a shower in the last couple of days have you? [looks blank] You need to go in the shower now, before you go/do............"

All in a matter of fact/conversational non accusing way.

I have to get him at a point in the day where this is convenient, and phrase is so that the wording is in the order of the actions.

I do give compliments, and he does see though them, but he has a good sense of humour.

BOFster · 08/10/2014 22:58

I also don't think that's it's down to a lack of respect, as he makes an effort sporadically. I think he just doesn't notice, because it's his default position, and apparently we can rarely smell ourselves.

It actually sounds like a trip to the GP is in order, tbh. There are treatments for hyperhidrosis (which it sounds like), such as targeted Botox injections. All the more important if it is affecting his work as well as his personal relationships.

BOFster · 08/10/2014 23:04

You might have read this already, but it's worth a read.

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2014 23:25

What is his reason for not showering/changing enough?

If it's been mentioned at work he must know it's not just you. Do your children ever comment?

2Bemused · 08/10/2014 23:25

Shower every morning. Deo on in armpits once he has dried off.
What is the issue, that is normal hygiene, isn't it?

Original poster

scarfmisuseissues · 09/10/2014 00:09

Thank you all - BOF I will look at your link now.

No depression issues, he is excessively motivated in work (to the extent that we row about him putting the company before his family). However I have long suspected that he has some degree of (undiagnosed) Aspergers, so maybe this is connected.

He has very hairy armpits that retain the smell. I have asked him more than once to consider shaving or trimming them to help, but he refuses to.

I know it sounds silly but it's making ME paranoid that I also have a hygiene issue, even though logically I know I don't as I shower once/twice a day and have even taken up using Mitchum too i an attempt at solidarity.

OP posts:

OtherBarry · 09/10/2014 08:18

If you get anti bacterial soap instead of normal soap it should really help with the armpits

whois · 09/10/2014 08:30

Not normal.

Quite a tricky one. If my DP said 'you've been starting to get a bit long by the evening, please can you intrigued a second shower before bed" I would be embarrassed but would sort it out!

I think he probably needs it plainly set out to him that he can't smell himself, but others can. He needs to shower in the morning and put anti-p on once dry. Clean shirt or undershirt every day. Shower before bed. Non negotiable.

Can't believe people get to adult hood and their parents have failed to reach them how to bloody wash themselves. Gross.

Springhasspung · 09/10/2014 08:35

Talk to your doctor but I think there was some evidence that injecting Botox into the armpits helped with this ill try and find the article, but definitely recommend dr 10 yrs is to long

Stupidhead · 09/10/2014 08:36

Next time he has a shower, make sure he has a 'man-type' shower gel and does his pits thoroughly. There's a thick paste stuff called 'Trust' beside the sweaty problem stuff in Boots. He dries his pits and applies like sudocream - it's hellish thick, before bed. I used to use this to stop sweating over my clients when I was a massage therapist. In the morning he has to get into the habit of teeth, wash of pits then anti-perspirant. Even on top of this cream, you only need to apply it every three days or so.

Then STOP using fabric conditioner on his shirts. It coats fabrics which is why it shouldn't be used on towels etc as the fabric won't be able to allow his skin to breathe.

He needs to get into the habit of every time he brushes his teeth (morning and night I hope) he washes his pits and uses a stick of antiperspirant. You go to the trouble of shaving and plucking so why is that any different!

Suckitup · 09/10/2014 08:46

It's not to do with a lack of a sense of smell, it's basic hygiene. Everyone knows adults need to shower and wear clean clothes every day. It sounds like he really does not care or think it's important.

If you have told him and his boss has had a word, he obviously doesn't care. I would be losing my patience by now. Tell him you can't share a bed with him unless he has showered. And as for sex, how could you? You will have to get direct with him every day. Nothing else has worked.

britishbakeoffblues · 09/10/2014 08:48

My ExH had dreadful BO when I met him.
I mentioned it to him gently when we'd been together a few months - turned out he was HIGHLY aware of it - changing his work t shirt 4-6 times a day but had never been told about antiperspirant!! neglected during childhood
So I taught him about it and it was sorted. He was immensely grateful
and so is his new girlfriend I'll bet

dontquotem3 · 09/10/2014 08:49

He could try bicarb of soda directly to pits after washing . It's a really good deodoriser. I've got a stinky teen and pre teen, both have tried this and found it effective.

OtherBarry · 09/10/2014 08:52

Also try white vinegar instead of fabric conditioner to kill any bacteria left on his clothes if they still smell a bit after washing

Aaaabbbbcccc · 09/10/2014 09:05

If your shower is big enough i think you should shower WITH him twice a day with a mild antibacterial soap and soap him down yourself. Once a day is not really enough. He might be keener then. After that is an established routine reward with really expensive aftershave.

BadcatBertram · 09/10/2014 09:14

It's about respect. How much respect can he have for you if he refuses to shower regularly? This would (and has been) an absolute deal breaker for me. It's not a case of 'boys will be boys' and other daft excuses people make for men being grubby - it's a total slap in your face because he simply can't be arsed to make the best of himself for you.

Sorry to be harsh but I'm angry on your behalf. He needs telling because his manager and work colleagues will end up doing it more forcefully than they have been and that won't be pleasant.

DPotter · 09/10/2014 09:27

If his shirts are cotton, wash at 60 degrees or at highest temp given on label; low temp washing doesn't kill all bacteria. I agree about dropping the fabric conditioner completely and using white wine in the rinse cycle. Put a big glug in the rinse section where you'd usually put the fabric conditioner - the clothes wont smell of vinegar honest.

Elisheva · 09/10/2014 09:32

If he does have a degree of ASD then hints and subtlety will not work as he just won't pick up on them. You are getting more upset as you think he is ignoring you when he didn't 'hear' you in the first place.
You need to be clear and direct with him - Darling, you smell a bit sweaty, you need to have a shower before work/bed.

KatyN · 09/10/2014 09:45

this probably isn't the case but has he had his thyroid function checked? my DH has a very high metabolism and used to be quite sweaty. He is now on medication for his over active thyroid and he is more normal.

My DH showers twice a day and still smells a bit sometimes. I would mention it to him as a comment as he had very little sense of smell.

I think your DH just needs explaining that this is something he has to do as a grown up. we all miss bits of education growing up (I obviously missed the article in J17 that said we had to trum out bush).

Preciousbane · 09/10/2014 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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