To not know how to tackle this issue with DP any more?

[scarfmisuseissues]

Please be constructive as even doing this AIBU has taken a lot of bravery! I've namedchanged but am a lurking regular - penis beaker, cutted up pear, naice ham, TEKL. Yada yada.

I am in a long term relationship with three children. My DP is a lovely man, he works hard for us, he's a great dad, he's a considerate partner. He suffers really badly with BO.

It's not a constant thing, it's sometimes worse than others, but has been an ongoing issue for the ten years we have been together. I have spoken to him about it several times, each time he will make more of an effort for a while then things go back to where they were before.

He's not filthy, he has a really high metabolism and is quite a hot person who sweats a lot, which I think is contributory, but he just doesn't shower enough and doesn't wear antiperspirant consistently. Over the years I've bought him all manner of different ones including Mitchum and one that's supposed to be super duper effective and was really expensive - he doesn't wear them properly.

He works in a customer facing role and it must be noticeable in work, I know his manager has brought it up with him at least once and I feel it now must be affecting his work prospects. It is affecting our relationship as I don't really want to be intimate with him, and if he doesn't shower before bed I can't even sleep facing him. I do not want to always be the bloody hygiene police and constantly have to try to find ways of telling him to have a shower without upsetting him, he gets defensive if he thinks I'm saying he smells, but how many ways can you say "If you pop and have a shower leave it running for me afterwards will you?".

I'm constantly embarrassed and stressed about this and it's making me miserable. How can I raise it - again - and get him to actually take what I'm saying on board for more than a few weeks?

wibbly all other men have had basic hygene no one has been like this.

Mine is v attractive too and what's strange is how much time he spends on his hair, but is happy to go out without brushing his teeth or running a stick of deo under his armpits

Mine doesn't spend any time on hair it grows up too, in a column he would happily leave it to grow up, having a hair cut is something else i have to do.

its strange yours is showing some interest in his appearance but stoping at teeth and arms pits.

mine show no interst.

If depression is an issue, personal hygiene is often the first thing to go, is he depressed? First thought.

Second thought: How does he react when you tell him to shower? I think you need to be blunt that it hurts your feelings - then to reinforce it maybe no sex if he smells when he gets into bed might give him an incentive or lots of you iniitiating sex when he does smell nice? It sounds horrible of me probably , but it sounds like there are no consequences if he doesnt bother, so he doesnt. As he obviously wasn't bought up with hygiene being an automatic habit, you may have to put consequences/rewards strategy in to make it stick. Learning new habits takes time and a carrot and stick approach ...

My Dad came from the era of bathing once a week.

As teenagers, we thought this was all we needed and no one told us otherwise ... I did start showering daily as I had a horse and knew I smelled of manure after mucking him out in the morning, and it became a habit. My brother still only showers every other day.

I don't think any of us smelled - weren't a very sweaty family - but I do know how when you've been brought up to see something as normal, it can take quite a lot to make you see otherwise.

Does your DH maybe have this sort of upbringing? It's hard I know but I don't think it's lack of respect for someone else. Possibly lacking respect for yourself though if it's depression or similar.

OP, you probably need to stop using the fabric conditioner as it'll be stopping his skin from breathing and trapping the bacteria within the fibres. I'd also recommend doing all your DH's shirts etc with the Dettol antibacterial stuff for washing machines, and washing at a high temp.

He definitely needs to shower more often but if he DOES have a problem with excessive sweating, the Mitchum stuff probably isn't all that helpful. What he needs is something called Driclor (I think it's still available). It contains aluminium chloride and to start with you put it on twice a day (morning and night), for a week, then once a day, and gradually you wean off to using it only once or twice a week, as needed. I think it's available over the counter now (used to be prescription only).

I think a combination of the things I have mentioned will probably go a very long way in getting rid of the smell - permanently - but you will need to talk to him about it. Have you actually told him that you can't bear to be intimate with him because of his smell, or even share the same bed?

Tell him to shower every day and really scrub his underarms to get them clean. If they're very hairy, they're going to need a really good wash.

100% cotton tops only. Man made fibres make you more sweaty and hold the smell, even after washing.

Its inconsiderate to you and his colleagues you have to be firm. But kind.

Try "I feel really awful saying this but you do smell in bed and its horrible for me. Its probably not nice for the people at work either. Because I care about you blah blah blah"

All this advice about botox and special deodorants and not using fabric conditioner etc., is all very well, but the man simply isn't washing enough.

All of this could probably be solved if he could just be less of a lazy filthy bastard, and start showering once a day and using deodorant. Same with the toothbrush dodgers. Absolutely grim and not acceptable. I cannot believe so many of you have tolerated this for so long. I hate to say anything that embarrasses people too, but seriously, there comes a point where you just need to lay it on the line with these men. Being afraid to sleep in your own bed because of partners who smell really terrible is no way to live! Get angry with them FFS. They are being selfish and lazy and are behaving like children.

All this advice about botox and special deodorants and not using fabric conditioner etc., is all very well, but the man simply isn't washing enough.

Spot on Dont. Save yourselves some cash and just buy a bar of soap.

Totes agree dont

dontdrinkandfacebook
Nail on the head.

I was just thinking the same as Dontdrink...... he just needs to bloody wash and use anti-perspirant

I thought I was reading a thread about a teenage boy by his mum, not a grown man.

OP - deep breath (preferably while holding your nose) and just say it: "You stink"! Followed by "I'm sleeping in the spare room."

You are his partner, not his mother.

If that fails you could always threaten to turn a hose on him.

cannot believe so many of you have tolerated this for so long.

If you read the thread some of us have tried.

I have got angry, really really , It is quite anger inducing when your BF late at night, the baby is snuggled up and your DH suddenly in sleep turns your way with dragon breath breathing at you and you cannot move because you will wake the baby.

Horrid.

I have got angry I have pleaded, I have said he thinks he is the only person who doesn't think he needs his angel mouth or body washed because he doesnt smell...

I have nagged, reminded, done carrot and stick.

I still have a man who will not get into a simple cleaning routine.

The irony is - his parents are the most anal and clean obessed freaks you could have the displeasure of meeting and his DM screamed at ME for not helping her son to keep clean

so when I am suffering from his stink, its adds insult to injury that this womans words are in my head when she brought him up .

I am !!

cannot believe so many of you have tolerated this for so long.

If you read the thread some of us have tried.

I have got angry, really really , It is quite anger inducing when your BF late at night, the baby is snuggled up and your DH suddenly in sleep turns your way with dragon breath breathing at you and you cannot move because you will wake the baby.

Horrid.

I have got angry I have pleaded, I have said he thinks he is the only person who doesn't think he needs his angel mouth or body washed because he doesnt smell...

I have nagged, reminded, done carrot and stick.

I still have a man who will not get into a simple cleaning routine.

The irony is - his parents are the most anal and clean obessed freaks you could have the displeasure of meeting and his DM screamed at ME for not helping her son to keep clean

so when I am suffering from his stink, its adds insult to injury that this womans words are in my head when she brought him up .

I am !!

Get angry with them FFS

it isnt enough I need restraining techniques and the use of bodily force to simply wash him.

So why are you with him? Personal hygiene is such a fundamental thing, how can you live with some like that?

Some = someone

Oh my god you poor people! I have the opposite problem, cos dp is scrupulously clean, and wouldn't consider being intimate without a full on shower and ball shave beforehand

You have every right to kick his arse over this. It's clearly him, not the rest of the world who has the problem. It must be awful for you - tell him how much. Don't stop and if he can't even shower regularly for your sake if not his bloody own, you need to move on.

Right, well if you've tried dropping hints, tried asking nicely, tried pleading, tried getting assertive and then getting furious, all to no avail then it's time to do what you should do in any situation where your partner's behaviour is intolerable and inconsiderate. You leave. I just can't begin to imagine how I could tolerate this. to me it's no different to any other form of lazy, selfish, entitled and completely unacceptable behaviour in a marriage. It's something someone else is doing or not doing that is affecting your wellbeing and making your life unpleasant.

There are very few people who genuinely cannot help stinking to high heaven because of some mysterious medical condition that is totally incurable. You follow a normal daily personal hygiene regime, (wash/shower once, clean teeth at least once, but preferably twice) and if you still smell then you need to accept that you have to ramp it up to a higher-level regime, because you are just unlucky that way. Tough.

If you still smell bad, are flossing regularly? Do you need to change deodorant? Give up smoking? Drink less? change your diet? If that doesn't work then you visit the doctor/dentist to find out what the problem is (it could be any number of things, all of which are perfectly treatable) and take their advice/treatment plan.

It's just not acceptable to bury your head in the sand or say 'poor me, it's not my fault, it's just the way I am, stop making me feel bad' when you are causing daily discomfort and embarrassment to those around you, your partner your children, your work colleagues, the woman on the bus. It is anti-social and disrespectful. And it is especially unacceptable if you are not even making the effort to do the basics like washing daily, using deodorant or cleaning your teeth, and you still expect people to tolerate it rather than embarrass you by mentioning it.

with bad breath it could be something really simple like tonsil stones or an undetected sinus blockage, or a decaying tooth that isn't giving him any pain yet, or something lodged in a gum pocket or gap between teeth that cannot work its way out and is festering. Or just smoking a really sickly revolting brand of cigarettes (well all cigarettes smell revolting on the breath imo, and it's not just the breath, the odour is 'sweated' though the skin as well - smokers don't seem to realise this, but some brands are much worse than others.) Just because someone cleans their teeth even six times a day, the problem isn't going to go away if it's due to any of the above. They need to take further action instead of just feeling picked on, and sorry for themselves. URRRGGH.

Or digestive problems, allergies, poor liver function, constipation.

the point is, perhaps the cause of the problem may not be someone's fault, but their unwillingness to do anything about it certainly is.

Dontdrink has said everything that needs saying on this topic. Great posts.

I can't believe that there are people who will happily get in to bed un-showered and with the day's grime still on them. Completely gross.

OP, no advice beyond the fact that I would have left him by now.