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Original poster

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
hoppingmad · 07/10/2014 17:23

I'm another one who'd change the locks whilst they were out and I'd not lose a wink of sleep over it either.
Your house, your rules. You don't need to explain.
I really wouldn't be worried about the friendship either - definitely not worth keeping

SomeSunnySunday · 07/10/2014 17:23

Oh OP, I just wanted to offer sympathy. I'm 29 weeks pregnant too, feeling like crap, horrible, difficult pregnancy compared to my others. No way, no way in a million years, could I cope with this just now. You either need to direct a massive pregnant strop at your friend, or alternatively at your DH so that he can sort them out on your behalf. If you want to be polite, tell them that you really need to start getting the house organised, and that you need time to yourselves as a family, before the baby arrives, and so need them to leave. Personally though I'd probably just shout and cry. Good luck.

BaffledSomeMore · 07/10/2014 17:24

Raising your blood pressure could get you into difficulties so they need to go for your wellbeing. That's all you need to consider.
They are adults who can go to a b&b tonight.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 17:26

No don't given them any time, tgey have violated your home, and walked all over you. They need out tonight, and their stuff too. Yes Nancy you would make a killing Grin

Momagain1 · 07/10/2014 17:27

They came earlier than planned, dont have a job, are in your way and dont seem to have any plans to move on, they are eating your food, running up your utility bills and had the nerve to get keys made?

Call the non-emergency police number and find out what, if anything, you can threaten them with legally, if they do not vacate the premises as required. Then tell them the few days they asked for are over, and you expect their friends and family to come get them and their stuff THIS SATURDAY by 4 pm. Have your DP and any other helpful family members put their stuff out of the house and help you stand firm on the deadline. Be prepared to actually call the police. Dont worry about preserving the friendship, there isnt one.

Have locksmith on standby.

OnlyLovers · 07/10/2014 17:28

Why are people still saying talk to them, no hard feelings, tell them they need to leave on Saturday etc???

They left the door wide open and keys on the ground! This on its own is bad enough, but with the rest of their behaviour it really is the last straw.

OP, I mean this kindly but get a grip and stand up for yourself. Tell them 'Out.' Put their stuff out of the windows door. Change the locks.

MrsMcRuff · 07/10/2014 17:28

Tell them firmly you want the house to yourselves now, as you need to start sorting things out for when the baby arrives.

If your 'friend' starts coming out with a load of old bull as to why they can't leave yet, just shrug and say 'Not my circus, not my monkeys!'
(My new favourite phrase Grin)

As you turn on your heel, you can throw in a casual 'let's say Friday - that should give you enough time.'

LeftRightCentre · 07/10/2014 17:29

Fuck all this printing a list of hotels or giving them till X date or being polite. These people are arses.

I'm setting up with Nancy here. Who brings people up to be such mugs?

KillmeNow · 07/10/2014 17:29

I know it shouldnt by now but I am constantly amazed at the brass neckedness of some people when it comes to enforcing themselves upon nice folk and then behaving really badly.

They arent even family! And lord knows there are some families who treat each other appallingly . But they still feel entitled to demand things from you and to shout when its not to their liking. Im shocked that they do it and that you have put up with it even once.

I would send them a text telling them they are leaving and then start the process of hoicking their rammel out onto the front. Reclaim your own space and sit in your own dining room.

Sleep peacefully tonight knowing you wont have to out up with their nasty ways ever again.

HighwayDragon · 07/10/2014 17:33

op where are you? Because I will personally stand there and tap my foot till they are out.

Nancy66 · 07/10/2014 17:33

People are really clueless about this aren't they?

You do NOT give them reasons/excuses why they have to leave your home because people like this will try and use it to their advantage.

You're not well - they'll offer to look after you.

We can't afford it - they'll give you some money as soon as they get some

I'm finding it stressful - you have a night out, we'll babysit.

etc etc etc.

AMumInScotland · 07/10/2014 17:36

You owe them exactly nothing. They are quite deliberately freeloading off you in the most blatant way possible. There is no need for you to give them an explanation - they are leeches who will keep sucking the life out of you until you flick them off and stamp on them. They are laughing. They think you are too much of a mug to stand up for yourself.
Prove them wrong.

KatieKaye · 07/10/2014 17:41

They are not your friends.they are freeloaders and you owe them nothing.
Tell them to leave by Friday and to take all their stuff with them.
Their housings issues are not your problem to sort out so don't enter into it. It is up to them to sort it out, not you.

Groovee · 07/10/2014 17:45

Good God! How old are these people? I'd be chucking them out on their ear tonight and getting the locksmith round!

duhgldiuhfdsli · 07/10/2014 17:47

Handy advice for the householder.

Caller on phone: Can we come and stay for a few days?

Householder: No.

See, that's easy, isn't it?

Original poster
Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 17:47

Thanks again everyone.

Waiting for DH as really not up to confrontation ATM. I would probably just collapse into hysterical tears and be useless. Or scream and shout without actually saying anything. I HAVE already asked how long and pointed out that they said a few days, that was when I got hit with the few weeks to save rental deposit line. I said then that I had plans at the end of the month and needed the space.

Would have gone bat shit crazy about door, but assume it was on her way out (he is working). I had only previously met her a couple of times, and she is not a native English speaker, so reluctant to compound things this way. Anyway, I suspect he is the problem. He quite often gas tales of woe about how he has fallen out with so done through no fault of his own. I usually just nod and ignore given that it's about people I don't know and I don't want yo get involved, but now it seems pretty obvious why!

DH and I were off to b&q to get the last bits to finish the kitchen. Plan to have discussion on the way and pick up new whilst there.

As I have said, I didn't mind a couple of days, but his attitude has really upset me, and I feel like I have manipulated into something I never agreed to.

OP posts:
PicaK · 07/10/2014 17:49

This is your baby at risk here. Stay calm. Say it's not working and you have to ask them to leave on Saturday. Or rather get DH to do this.
If you still value the friendship then say that but explain pregnancy risk too great and outweighs friendship. If they kick off or ask for longer say that doesn't work for you. Do not apologise at any point.

MorrisZapp · 07/10/2014 17:52

Why isn't your DH going nuclear on your behalf? This is all very odd.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 17:54

Well you still sound not very assertive, you need to be, just because your are pregnant dies not mean you are nit capable! what if there were no dh, what woukd you do, let them walk all over you and use your house as a hotel! He saw you coming, he really did!

Vitalstatistix · 07/10/2014 17:54

You are in control here. You do not have to have anyone in your home for a second longer than you want them to be!

Put his sorry arse out! He is walking all over you.

I'm furious and it's bog all to do with me, you must be raging ! Grin

LeftRightCentre · 07/10/2014 17:54

I can't believe your husband has put up with this. The pair of you need to get a spine and go on an assertiveness course. 'Semi-retired' but still needs benefits? Freeloading, workshy reject.

I'd have ripped them both a new head whilst simultaneously checking their shit out ages ago.

No more chances, deadlines, help sorting out accommodation.

Not your problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 17:55

He is your friend not your dh, you tell him and hugs gf to be out by tonight , tomorrow Friday, whatever!

Humansatnav · 07/10/2014 18:00

What a piss taker!

girliefriend · 07/10/2014 18:00

''I am sorry but this isn't working for me - you need to go now''

Just go and say this to them now, they are completely taking the piss and they know it Angry

Don't feel guilty or in anyway responsible for them - they are grown ups and can sort themselves out.

cingolimama · 07/10/2014 18:03

OP this is unanimous. No you shouldn't have agreed to this in the first place, but you know this already.

Tell those fucking awful people to get out of your house!

And then please relax and breathe and do something nice for yourself.