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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
whois · 07/10/2014 15:28

Get your pg hormone rage on and start screening "get out of my house you horrible cretin get out of my house you horrible free loader get out of my house you ungrateful prick get out of MYYYYY HOOOOOUUUUSSSSEEEE"

Sounds like the only way to shift them...

FrazzledFandango · 07/10/2014 15:28

Don't ask him to leave, tell him to leave. Loudly, repeatedly and firmly.

If he doesn't do so then leave his belongings outside and change the locks.

Don't be a doormat, I'd have said no from the outset.

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:30

sorry, wore that reply several posts ago!

I had spoken to DH earlier and said we need to sort things out tonight. He is not happy either, and is worried about me. stewedcot's suggestion is actually not far from the truth. This has been a compacted pregnancy, and I have been advised to avoid all stress as I am high risk of placental abruption. I didn't want to be accused of finding excuses if I use this, but to be fair it's not.
I don't see why I should put mine and my baby's life, my job and my mental well-being at risk.
Thank everyone; I was worried I was being an utter self-absorbed cow-bag

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 07/10/2014 15:31

WTAF Did they even ask before having keys cut?

Loads of good advice here but starfishmummy's broken record technique is the most succinct.

YouTheCat · 07/10/2014 15:31

There is only one person being self-absorbed in this situation and it isn't you, OP.

raltheraffe · 07/10/2014 15:32

Bit disappointed that this thread is not about ghosts. The title was really promising.

Littlef00t · 07/10/2014 15:32

He said 2 weeks max, if it's been 2 weeks no guilt. He can stay on someone else's floor.

UpduffedFatty · 07/10/2014 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 07/10/2014 15:35

Did they get keys cut on your say-so, or off their own backs? If the latter then demand them back. Tell them 'Keys back or I'll change the locks.'

And you and your DH need to speak to them together.

And you don't need to cite any pregnancy or health reasons, or any other reasons, for that matter. Tell them firmly they must leave tomorrow. Keep saying it. Don't get into discussions or arguments. If hormones do start to take over, leave your DH to carry on repeating 'You must leave tomorrow' while you go and compose yourself.

You owe them nothing and need not try to be nice.

TBH the TV on really loud would have been enough for me on its own – SO inconsiderate – but they have taken the piss in many more and bigger ways than that.

KitbitAgain · 07/10/2014 15:36

If he doesnt have the job after all he can go back to the other end of the country can't he? Nothing stopping him except he has a free bed where he is at the moment so no reason to move...
YANNNNNBU!!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 07/10/2014 15:36

You don't want him as a friend any more, as he is an arse. So tell him he has 48 hours to leave, after which you will be forced to involve the police as he will be trespassing. Ring101 for advice or get an apt with citizens advice - he is squatting on your property illegally once yyou've told him to leave an he's refused.
Change the locks asap.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 07/10/2014 15:37

You are not being at all unreasonable. Get your husband to tell these people to pack their stuff and be on their way. You don't even have to give a reason.
How thoughtless could anyone be? Even letting you stand to eat, when pregnant, whilst they sit? Angry

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:38

A couple of days I didn't mind, especially as when he said he had a job, I assumed they would be out during the day so i could work. It's the attitude since they arrived which has pissed me off, and I am terrified that they have no intention of going.

The house is mine, and he is an old friend of mine, so i doubt DH would say anything without asking me first for fear of pregnancy-hormone-attack! obvs. the 'i don't like confrontation rule doesn't apply to him ;) , however I have told him we need to discuss this tonight.

And no I don't owe him anything. We were invited out to spend a week with him (pre-new-bf) a couple of years ago, and went, but I don't see how that gives him the right squat in my house now.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 07/10/2014 15:38

Littlef00t, he may have said 2 weeks but it wasn't for him to say how long he'd stay. OP, said 'a few days' as 2 weeks was too long.

MissFenella · 07/10/2014 15:39

don't ask them to leave, tell them!

They need to make other arrangements from Saturday and there is no further discussion to be had.

processedbeats · 07/10/2014 15:40

You aren't overreacting, they are just plain rude.
Use your hormones and get them out asap...looking back when I was pregnant I wish I used my hormones more in situations that weren't half as awful as yours!! So shout scream or whatever at him just get them out. And make sure your DH is there and backs you up.

HansieLove · 07/10/2014 15:42

They need gone NOW! So you and your DH stand while those two sit at your breakfast bar??? NoNoNo.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/10/2014 15:42

He sounds like a total prick. Who the hell behaves like this when they're a guest in the home of someone who is doing them a massive favour?? Shock They should be cooking dinner every night, cleaning the house, getting (and staying) out of the house during the day to give you some peace, and generally bending over backwards. What a pair of arseholes!

Seriously, sit them down and tell them they need to be out in 24 hours. Not your problem where they go, they're adults. BTW, this is not how I would ever normally treat my friends, but then again, my friends would never act like massively entitled wankers!

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:44

I lent them a spare key as I had to take DS to hospital early last week (he has his arm in avast and is back and forth-yet another reason i could do without this...), but they seem to have got a second one cut, as they both seem to come and go as they please.
I was set to change the locks anyway, as had a key go missing a couple of weeks ago, and have had previous bad experiences in this situation. unite glad I hadn't got around to it yet now, as I would have wound up paying twice!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2014 15:53

Yanbu at all, what a cheeky fecker. I woukd have told him no when he asked if he could move in for a couple of weeks. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to move out say at the end of the week as it us not working out!

angelos02 · 07/10/2014 15:55

Wait until they both go out, change the locks and dump their stuff outside.

campingfilth · 07/10/2014 15:56

I wouldn't be waiting 48 hours i'd have them out now. I had a work colleague staying in my summer house, they were paying me, I kept repeatedly asking them not to smoke in there. I went in there to see if why the power was tripping the house and could smell smoke and frebreeze. I very quickly sent a text telling him he had to leave that night, that he'd disrespected me and was really out of order. He asked to stay until he found somewhere else (it was only temporary and was ? moving somewhere 4 days later) I said no, he'd had his chances. My house, my rules. He replied he had nowhere and I replied 'not my problem, go stay in a hotel'.

Its your house, don't let them treat you that way. Get your husband to help move his stuff out onto the pavement and tell them to get lost they sound vile. I still have to work with my rude houseguest and it is fine, he knows he was out of order.

IsItMeOr · 07/10/2014 15:57

YANBU. Tell them they need to go by tomorrow.

They know that they are massively taking advantage. They are not your friends. I am afraid that you have been set up.

Also, accepting an invitation to visit is very different from asking to come and visit imo. But nothing you have done justifies them thinking what they're doing is okay.

specialsubject · 07/10/2014 16:06

not unreasonable - beyond belief!

out, NOW, or you dump all their stuff outside. You'll be changing the locks anyway.

the UK is full of cheap hotels for a few nights, cheap storage and then there are plenty of other options. Not your problem.

Bobtailstrikesagain · 07/10/2014 16:06

I agree with Angelos - dump their stuff outside and change the locks. They are being cheeky buggers and you certainly need this stress. Do you have any of your messages still outlining how long you could let them stay etc? Proof if you need it?

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