unwanted houseguests

[Cuppachaplz]

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

doesn't even come close on this!

So they live abroad for the summer? Tell us exactly where and we'll all turn up and climb through their windows see how they like it

What a nobber. I'd ignore and block. I have a feeling he will not be forthcoming about removing the stuff from the garage. Sounds like his daughter has the measure of him.

And you know why he wants to put it behind him...to avoid getting into trouble with the police over it...and in the hope of taking advantage of your good nature again. As I said earlier, no wonder his daughter is saying that she is taking in lodgers. Sounds like she learned the hard way that he is a leech.
Ignore, ignore, ignore. From now on, he deals only with your husband, and that is just to get rid of the stuff in the garage, nothing else.
Enjoy your afternoon with your little guy.

Actually, that's a point, if he has sent it with one eye on the police it might be worth replying with a full recap of what happened, just in case he turns up again saying "but we sorted out the misunderstanding! See? I sent this email."

Although I would leave it to dh to respond. And remind him that he was told by the officer to sort things through dh and not you.

I'd ask DH to copy his reply to local police and clarify everything about the keys being copied etc in writing, with the police incident number of the emergency call out to your home. Just needs plain, enemotional English.

My love, I understand you just want to forget all this, but I think you would be wise to go to the police and make a statement, giving all the facts to date, and ask their advice on what best to do.

I hope you never hear from him again, but I'm sure you thought that when you asked him to leave.
If the police are fully aware, they can support you, maybe even warn this very nasty man to stay well away from you.

Though, personally, I'm liking your brother's suggestion

I really don't think it is a good idea for the OP to be in contact with this man. The police have said to leave it between the man and her DP and that is what she should do. If he continues to contact you then show the texts to the police as it is harassment but texting him back is just not going to help at all.

As tempting as it is to get your brother and his mates involved it's just not a good idea either.

Take legal advice about his stuff as I can see it being there for a while. This man sounds wily so make sure your dealings with him are above reproach. Breaking into your house and trying to say that he came through the door when you know he didn't is very worrying behaviour.

As a PP said just have your DP contact him about the stuff and nothing else. The police have a log of what happened before, don't get embroiled in an argument with him about it. Just cold and factual and keep within the law.

The thing is what happened before is very vague. He asked the OP if he could stay and she said yes. She gave him a key and she knew he had had it copied. He hadn't actually done anything illegal up until when he broke into her house but even then he said he came through the front door. There really isn't anything the police can do beyond what they have already done. If the OP starts sending him abusive texts then she will get in trouble. If she touches his stuff then she will be in the wrong. I really do worry that this man will try and turn the situation around to cause the OP more trouble and that is the last thing she needs. Do as the police advised and leave communication to your DP and only about his stuff. If there are any more signs of trouble, if he comes to your house again (except to pick up his stuff) if he sends more texts contact the police then. Don't do anything rash but I don't think you will.

I agree Mokun, just let him collect his stuff under dh supervision, and never ever have anything to do with him again. I think this is a lesson in assertiveness for op, it wasn't convenient for him to stay, so an initial no that won't work,should have been the answer.

I have left everything unanswered, and kept logs. DH has advised him to only contact him (DH)to arrange picking up stuff, and leave things there (ie not yo contact me at all) as he (DH) is very angry about potential harm to our baby and doesn't want any more contact than necessary but has to liaise re stuff in order to protect our son and me (go DH, yay). He has reminded him that this is the police's advice too.
I have been advised to return any mail (why the fuck there should be ANY if he was only staying a couple of days, but there has been) and to log that he never lived here to avoid any fraudulent use if my address. Apparently, if he gas any mail with his name and my address on he can use that as future proof of residence. FFS, the nightmare goes on...
It would appear that guests who insinuate themselves to appear lodgers have mire rights, as essentially there exists only a verbal contract. Contract my arse; I have copies of messages asking for a couple of days, and my replies saying that was all I could manage. So fecking angry right now...
I have rung the police back and requested that I speak to them again now that I am calm and well, in order to log the fact fact that he had been asked to leave, had more keys than I was aware of, and did NOT come through the front door.
DH has changed locks, added a new lock the the connecting door to the garage, and changed security codes (not that he should have known these anyway, but it doesn't hurt).
I am hoping that this has covered all bases, so looking forward to finally getting some rest...
Thanks again mumsnetters

Just a little post-script from me about keys in backs of locks. We have a large dog that can let himself out, so we have to double-lock the front door at all times. Quite often, when one of us is in and the other out, whoever is in inadvertently leaves their key in the door and the other one has to ring the doorbell. But we do have one key, that too all intents and purposes looks the same as all the others, that doesn't stop the outside key from working. It is possible that he could have let himself in with a key in the door (from other behaviour it does sound more likely that he broke in), but please do not rely on this as a way of keeping yourself safe: if you need to protect yourself from someone who has/may have a key, please fit a bolt. Take care of yourself x

He never intended to stay a few days did he! That was a rouse to weedle his way in your home. You were just too kind and soft to say no to him. You have found out who he really is now and unfortunately have learned the hard way. Yes tell DWP that he has never lived here, and other agencies so that he does not use your address to commit fraud. Gosh this is what you really do not need right now. I wish you a happy and stress free pregnancy.

If any of the post looks official (hmrc) then I believe (but am happy to be corrected) that you can legally open it so long as the intent is not malicious. It would certainly be worth checking anything that could be benefits of some kind. You can then show hmrc the original emails proving he was paying no rent and visiting a couple of days, should you need to. The last thing you want is any suggestion that you could be involved in his benefit fraud.

What a nightmare for you.

purple the Key was in the lock and turned through almost 180 degrees. There is no way that it can be opened from the other side, I have checked. Anyway, that's not the point, he had already been asked to return the key and leave; he had then come back with another key which I didn't know he had. He had also been asked repeatedly when here not to come in without letting me know he was there as I am very nervous when home alone having recently been attacked. I had no idea it was him when I called the police, just an intruder. I didn't know until they told me who it was and that he still had a key. The lock has now been changed so No one else has access :)

Am just exhausted by the whole thing, and it feels like a new angle is uncovered every day. I simply can't believe that there are people out there who think it's ok to treat anyone like that; that everyone in some way owes them something? This was potentially a tragedy for my family and I and he just kept on taking and blaming me what for he felt I had failed to provide. Also I am now more nervous at home than I was after the girls attack, a massive set back to me, and another stress in an already high risk pregnancy.
I am so angry, and so hurt.
For all those telling me never to never speak to him again, really no need. I am totally in that place already!

Hopefully that's the end of it now & you can focus on relaxing & getting through to the end of the pregnancy. Good luck

so sorry about your situation. i don't understand how anyone would want to stay somewhere where they are unwelcome.

what a cheek. is it all about claiming hb presumably?

Glad you are unharmed and the baby is OK too, OP. This sounds like a nightmarish scenario.

I'm wondering if you need to inform anyone so that your address doesn't get tagged with any nefarious credit/debt he has arranged whilst at your address - the mail thing troubles me. I think you can register with the credit reference agencies like Experian for a nominal fee if credit is obtained at your address. It might also be worth informing the local benefits office or following that up. It would be awful if your credit-worthiness was affected because of anything else shady he was up to whilst he was staying at yours.

that should have been "to keep you informed if credit is obtained at your address"

alemci some people have the hide of a Rhino

true, but i wouldn't want to stay in someone else's house long term especially if i was sleeping in their living area etc

No absolutely not, me neither. I would hate to inconvenience anybody. No good friend would do what he dud to op. It was down right vicious that he was in tge house and led op to believe it was an intruder instead of calling out his name. Like "don't worry it's only Colin"

After knowing what op had been through and that she was a high risk pregnancy. How absolutely cruel, and he has the audacity to e mail op and tell her that the wants to put this 'misunderstanding' behind him.

When returning post to sender, put 'never resident here' and add his overseas address, with 'last known address at'...

I'm afraid I don't agree with YeGods - putting the overseas address implies/confirms that the homeowner knows the person well enough. While I wouldn't suggest OP lies, there's no need to volunteer information.

Cuppa , yeah, this latest twist puts a new spin on the coming back thing: he must have been checking his post! Looks like you're going to have to ring round to a few agencies to confirm he's not living there. Sorry, a bit of hassle, but it'll be worth it.

It's good you still have the emails in which you said "a couple of days". You're golden with that.

I meant "checking his post [in addition to cruelly scaring the socks off you by committing a criminal act]", of course. Wasn't attempting to imply he was merely checking his post. Of course.