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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
listsandbudgets · 09/10/2014 18:28

op you are not going to get into trouble for ringing 999. You had an intruder in your home. You were in the kitchen holding the door closed . You are heavily pregnant. He rattled the door rather than calling out to you. He came in through a window. He'd taken a copy of your key without permission.

If someone else posted all of that and then said they were worried that they may get into trouble for phoning 999 what would you say? Probably don't be silly of course you won't!!

My brother used to work on the 999 line for the police. Some of the stories he told me were awful. Apparently one man used to phone on a regular basis to complain his neighbours were using his broadband connection! Another phoned to say the lady in the flat below kept sneezing and it was keeping him awake.

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2014 18:42

You won't get into trouble, you were absolutely justified. Hope you're feeling calmer now.

I also hope you're going to update his daughter. What an absolute arse.

Take care now.

Osmiornica · 09/10/2014 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 09/10/2014 18:54

OMG, you poor thing!! What utter twats. I would be chucking their stuff out in the street.

rumbleinthrjungle · 09/10/2014 19:04

You won't get into trouble for the 999 call, the police won't have swallowed the 'houseguest' story for a second. They deal with this kind of cock and bull storytelling 24/7. And they sent you to hospital with a heart rate of 200 clearly not having expected them to be there or happy about it!

So sorry you've had to deal with yet more! With hindsight your gut instinct about getting the locks changed was spot on, wasn't it? At some level you'd got the measure of this guy.

onedev · 09/10/2014 19:05

I've just seen your thread - well done for calling the police as that not normal behaviour at all. Hoping this is the end of any hassle now for you & the rest of your pregnancy is stress free!

PedantMarina · 09/10/2014 19:06

DP and I are shocked on your behalf. How dare he?!? And the GF - how did she think it was OK? (we know how it was OK in his fucked-up mind, of course). Glad you're OK now, and the police are aware. It's really unlikely he's going to try anything else.

Cuppa, to assure you further, what version of this event would have not made you feel "police time waste-y"? Think of it like that, if it helps. You've already had legions of people telling you this is exactly the sort of thing 999 is for, let me add my vote here. You did exactly the right thing!

And remember a few pages back, when you were worrying people would think you're a bitch? His own daughter rang to check if his story was straight; that's not the sign of somebody whose word is his bond. I'm sure every other mutual friend has similar misgivings.

funnyface31 · 09/10/2014 19:07

Oh cuppa I was hoping for a happy ending. You look after yourself and your babies and hope they disappear quick after the police involved.

HighwayDragon · 09/10/2014 19:08

Jesus Christmas! Have you checked your valuables?

HighwayDragon · 09/10/2014 19:09

Christ mass Blush

WishesAndStars · 09/10/2014 19:13

Shock Angry

Very glad you and the baby are ok.

What a complete pillock.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/10/2014 19:15

You didn't over react at all!

ADishBestEatenCold · 09/10/2014 19:19

"Have you checked your valuables?"

Also, Cuppachaplz, I think way, way back in the thread (when you mentioned that he'd asked about claiming Housing Benefit at your address) I asked you if you were sure he hadn't claimed HB.

I still think that you should check to make sure he hasn't, especially as it was he who first mentioned it.

You can check by phoning your local council's Housing and Council Tax benefit section. Just tell them the truth, that he mentioned it, you said no, but you are still suspicious.

KnackeredMuchly · 09/10/2014 19:19

Fuck! Terrifying for you OP!! Shock Glad that the police have been informed now though, your friend will be wary.

Selinemaratima · 09/10/2014 19:21

True true, I over-reacted entirely about the daughter, i was so cross! but have now read stories & sang DC's to sleep & feel calmer (Wine) I think I just wanted SOMEONE ANYONE to help poor old OP/ cuppa out, and I felt that if the daughter (seemingly) knows what her fathers like, she may have offered a few pearls on what to do, I do kind of think a phone call to OP to even offer some moral support re her dad would've been nice. I suppose I felt that you guys are dead right, he's not her responsibility but just because something's out of your responsibility doesn't mean you are not able to help fix a situation. Poor daughter anyway as he'll be darkening her door next no doubt! pom poms indeed! at least the MN massive were here xx am a little bit curious about ex friends girlfriend partner/ she sounds like a waxwork? Has she not even squeaked?

AndHarry · 09/10/2014 19:22

This is a seriously nasty man. Please let the next step be your DH driving all their stuff to their hotel this evening so they have no reason to ever come back. You poor thing.

figgieroll · 09/10/2014 19:23

Yes check valuables

Selinemaratima · 09/10/2014 19:29

PS OP you soooo do not need to feel guilty at all. What else could you have done? It must have been entirely petrifying - you had to be taken to hospital, you did the absolute right thing. Anyway so relieved its over and that you're all settled in for the night, big hugs to you all xx Wine will have one on your behalf then Wink

Littleturkish · 09/10/2014 19:30

What a prick. So pleased the police came, I hope it shook him up!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/10/2014 19:34

No you won't get into trouble at all cuppa, that is disgraceful and criminal what they did. I guess you could have told them that they had a key cut without you knowing or your consent, which they did. What they did was horrific, they could have harmed you and your baby by their behaviour. The friendship would be over now, I would tell his dd this and what he has just done. What a horrid person. have an early night, Brew, Flowers and Cake. My goodness the audacity of some. At least he knows now he wont be welcome back.

Stopmithering · 09/10/2014 19:36

I would be wanting to be rid of their belongings as soon as I possibly could so you can completely draw a line under the whole horrid affair.
Poor you. What a weird shit of a nobcheesy tosspot he is.

PedantMarina · 09/10/2014 19:36

Oh, yes, tell his DD! And check your valuables. Where's your paperwork, like bills, bank statements, etc?

Sorry if it seems we're putting more pressure on you - don't mean it to be.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/10/2014 19:41

Yes I would be phoning the DWP to set them straight on the housing benefit. I think they did this on purpose to upset you and cause you stress. He knows you were attacked in your home a couple of months ago and that you are anxious about it and have a high risk pregnancy. His actions could have seriously harmed you and the baby. Yes check your valuables and call the police if they are missing.

Sister77 · 09/10/2014 19:45

De lurking to say hope you ok OP. What a pair of wanking arseholes!

duhgldiuhfdsli · 09/10/2014 19:46

I'll say it again.

Someone phones up and asks to stay under circumstances where it wasn't just that you were going to invite them anyway but hadn't got around to it.

You say no.

Always.

Self-invited guests can all fuck off. Family, friends, acquaintances, Julia Roberts attempting to hide from the paparazzi. None ever ends well. Hotels are cheap and readily available, and there is never any justification to impose on people. Anyone who "needs" to stay somewhere who won't pay for a travellodge is almost certainly going to be a shit guest, and anyone who can afford a hotel should do so. At best they're staying with you and pocketing the expenses. At worst they're psychomanics, Whatever the sob story, just tell them to get stuffed.