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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

unwanted houseguests

654 replies

Cuppachaplz · 07/10/2014 15:08

I know that I am probably going to get slated here, but...

About 3 weeks ago, a friend of mine who is semi-retired and lives abroad for the summer, but returns to the UK in the winter to work, messaged me out of the blue to ask if he and his girlfriend could stay for a couple of days at the end of October while the found somewhere to live as he had secured a job close to me and his daughter who he normally stays with in the winter was planning to get lodgers. I am 28 weeks pregnant (or possibly more depending on which scan you believe), having a horrendous pregnancy with a past history of recurrent miscarriage, and working (writing) from home. He is aware of all this, and said it would be 'just a week, two at the absolute most'. I also explained that i had a house full the last week in October (half term, and planning to see as many friends as possible before arrival of baby), and that I am trying to get the house sorted for the baby in addition to an important work deadline in November, but that a few days was fine.

We don't have a lot of space, so they would be on the sofa be on the dining room. Spare room is tiny, and currently waiting for us to decorate for baby, so no good for 2 people even for a couple of days.

I got a call 9 days ago, saying that he was arriving 2 days later, i.e. a month earlier than stated. I was a bit put out, as I had already explained how much i had to get done, but figured I could crack on after the 'few days'.

He rang again the night before saying he assumed that someone would be in all day. Generally no, as we all work, and too late to get time off, but as I am working from home atm, I could be in. Was just irritated that this was assumed, as normally would be a no, and I have had hospital appts at least twice weekly for the last few weeks.

He arrived with a hire car rammed full of tons of stuff, which he proceeded to dump in our garage (my husband's workshop etc), and my dining room. I have had to fold up and move the dining room table, so we all have to eat off the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with my husband and I standing up. He then moaned that I didn't have a car available as he wanted to take his hire car back and have me give him a lift home. I have never owned a car, and drive very infrequently, so odd request. I asked how he was planning to get to work, to find out that the job had fallen through.

Initially he asked if I wanted them to get any shopping, or do anything. As I had just done a full shop, I suggested that if he wanted to, he could maybe get us a takeaway at the weekend instead, as I felt like crap, and had spent the whole day driving him around looking for things. This got me an earful as he claimed to have no money (why offer to buy groceries then? I wasn't suggesting anything elaborate), so I went to bed early and showed him where I keep leftovers on the freezer, while Dh finished jobs in the kitchen. They got said takeaway anyway and then proceeded to put hot contained directly on top of raw meat in the fridge.

I am massively overheating atm, so had asked if windows could be left open to stop the house turning into a sweatbox. This was ignored, and he now walks around behind me shutting them.

He now has a job, but announced yesterday that it will take 'several weeks' to save any deposit for a house...

He has also asked me if he can claim housing benefits at this address, I suspect totally illegally.

When they are in, I cannot work as TV on v loud, and with them in the dining room and sat watching this in living room, is no space left, so I spend my time upstairs.

I am now thoroughly miserable, spending most days half crying, and can't see a way out. I am 29 weeks pregnant, so appreciate that i am being hormonal and may be over-reacting, and probably only have myself to blame, but I am also desperate to get organised before the baby arrives, and can't believe they would take advantage of me like this.

Sorry for very long, whining post, but unsure how to proceed now.

And now, let the 'you've made your bed...' - bashing commence

TIA

OP posts:
Collaborate · 09/10/2014 23:56

OP - look at the Torts (Interference With Goods) Act1977 (I think s 14) that you must comply with to the letter re his belongings, or you may get yourself into trouble with the police. Some landlord sites give good advice over this too.

mimishimmi · 10/10/2014 00:10

I predict a long missive from ex-friend in the mail soon basically saying that you are a cruel heartless b--tch, that he thought you were different 'from all the others' (indicating he's outworn his welcome elsewhere....many times before), what has this country come to when it can't even look after it's elderly blah blah blah. Please don't take it to heart and get upset about it if this does happen. Do you think you could ring his DD and ask her to take his stuff?

RedorBlack · 10/10/2014 06:52

Morning op, how are you feeling today. Hopefully you've had a restful evening & night.

confusedandemployed · 10/10/2014 07:14

Oh my good god. I thought this had been put to bed. Unbelievable. I hope you had a good night's sleep OP and are feeling more relaxed.
Well I guess that settles the question of whether he is a friend or not. Change your locks today! Or better, get your brother to do it and ask him to stay for a bit of lunch and a catch up (i.e. til your DH gets home).I bet he'd bloody love it if this arsehole shows up again.

PedantMarina · 10/10/2014 07:46

Oohhh, we'd aaallll love it if he showed up when the brother is there. Confused is an evil genius.

Hope you got good sleep, and all's well, Cuppa !

Fluffyears · 10/10/2014 08:31

Rtft locks have been changed. Make sure that he hasn't opened ant other windows though as for his stuff you would need to comply with torts but putting it in your 'leaky shed' is fine.

Stupidhead · 10/10/2014 08:52

Get your brother, get your brother, get your brother!!!

dreamingbohemian · 10/10/2014 09:23

Did your friend know that her dad was coming to stay with you? If so, I think she's a pretty rubbish friend actually, she must know what he's like, she should have warned you off.

I don't understand why the police couldn't charge him either, you didn't give him a key, he had one (or two!) made without your permission.

You need to get rid of that stuff asap or they will drag everything out. Do some research online about the legalities but hopefully you can send him written notification that everything must be out within 48 hours or you are chucking it. You were never his landlord, he doesn't have tenant rights, I don't see why it's your problem really.

AlpacaMyBags · 10/10/2014 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 10/10/2014 10:17

I really hope this is the end of the saga for your sake.

Just appalling that people that it's okay to treat others and abuse them in that way Angry

Cuppachaplz · 10/10/2014 10:28

The police did nothing because he was adamant he had come through the front door (impossible as my keys were in it) and said he was a house guest.
I had lent one key ( and had this back, I thought) but they had had more cut, but I suspect that because I was at home they found another way in, such as leaving window open.
I was too upset to really put the police straight, and now just want to forget and move on. Police were concerned with getting me to hospital, but they did get keys off them, kick them out, and tell them not to come back for anything without liaising with DH.
DH sorted out their stuff last night.
I think they were trying to either frighten me if I was in or do something dodgy if not, but when I freaked and called the police, making me look like a nut job sufficed. As I said, I was far to upset to even speak by the time the police got there; I had no idea who was in the house, and was just hysterically repeating that I didn't want anyone there, to get them out and rake the keys if that was what gave them the right to come back. I think the police took their side of the story with a pinch of salt.
DH seems to believe them that they came through the door, but accepts my point that that is not the point; we asked them not to.
Anyway, locks changed now and security chain in place at all times. Trying not to overheat with locked windows...
Got a message this morning say hope we can put thus misunderstanding behind yes and still be friends. FFS! splutters tea across the room with a big fat no.
Utterly drained by this whole thing. Still very twitchy and nervous, but hoping to move on. thanks everyone once again xxx

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 10/10/2014 10:45

Got a message this morning say hope we can put thus misunderstanding behind yes and still be friends

Please tell us you have respond to this with a text saying...
"Fuck off. You have broken into my house knowing that I am not to be placed under stress and put my baby at risk. I can never forgive you for such selfish behaviour. Please liaise with DH on (phone number) to arrange to collect your things from the garage by the end of the week. I never want to hear from you again, goodbye"

MokunMokun · 10/10/2014 10:57

Just don't answer them. You don't need the stress. Block them if you can and try and put it all behind you. People like that will never accept they are in the wrong so it will be like arguing with the wind.

I'm glad the house is much more secure now. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

Clutterbugsmum · 10/10/2014 11:00

I agree with Absofrigginlootly send that text and also tell daughter exactly what he said and has done to you, do not lie or cover up anything that he or his GF have done.

OneSkinnyChip · 10/10/2014 11:02

Please tell me that your replied 'Never contact me again.'

So sorry this has happened to you OP. His behaviour is so far from normal I can only assume he has something wrong with him. Take care of yourself Thanks

YonicScrewdriver · 10/10/2014 11:02

You did not look like a nutcase to the police, I promise.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/10/2014 11:02

Wow!

I don't think I could stop myself responding with:-

"You broke into my home after asking to leave. You did this knowing I was under strict doctor's orders to avoid any stress because this could hurt my baby. Your actions caused me to be hospitalised and could have resulted in a tragedy that I don't even want to consider. Your selfishness both whilst here, and your actions after being asked to leave, mean I could never trust you near my home ever again. Do not contact me again. You deliberately set out to harm me and my family and that is not something that I can forgive."

Cuppachaplz · 10/10/2014 11:02

The police had already told him to liase with DH, not me.
I just ignored it. As far as I am concerned, I have said everything that needs saying, and now I just need to relax, concentrate on my family, and get well.
Here's hoping that this is finally possible.

I have spent the morning scrubbing and bleaching the dining room (prob unnecessary, but I feel better), and now plan some me time.
DS has an inset day from school, so off to fall asleep at the cinema and pig out on a giant indulgent milkshake.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/10/2014 11:03

*after being asked to leave

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 10/10/2014 11:04

Sounds like a brilliant plan :)

CSIJanner · 10/10/2014 11:04

There's no misunderstanding - you were required to leave and you broke back in. You also cut a second key without our permission, scared and stressed me by not even calling out, put my baby at risk and seem to be under the delusion that I would let you back into our lives. That would be a no. Please liase with DH as to your belongings. You have until 18/10/2014 to remove it all. I do not wish to hear from you again.

LittleBairn · 10/10/2014 11:04

Cuppa I'm so sorry this bully targeted you in this way knowing that you were vulnerable from previous attack and having a high risk pregnancy.
I don't usually like people taking the law into their own hands but if he tries
Any more funny business I'd take your brother up on his offer.
I too have a seriously high risk pregnancy so I understand why you are trying to keep calm but this guy is now coming across as malicious.
My DH would be sleeping elsewhere if he was stupid enough to believe the BS about the door too.

PunkHedgehog · 10/10/2014 11:14

"It's your garage, therefore your property, you can do what you like."

NOT TRUE Do not act on this terrible advice.

"Now I just need to relax, concentrate on my family, and get well."

YY. Leave your DH (or brother) to deal with the belongings and try to put them out of your head as much as you can.

LemonBreeland · 10/10/2014 11:36

The audacity of that text! I like Absos text response.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 12:53

Friends, I don't think so. Misunderstanding my big arse! What did you e mail back? I would tell him to feck off, noway.